Much to the chagrin of Scott Weiland, we’re not going to blatantly piss Axl Rose off by writing some fake April Fool’s Day article all about him. We’re just going to make the story partially about Mr. Rose. It’s true that we have been known to pass off a playful, completely untrue article as a genuine one on the 1st of April, but we’re taking a slightly different approach this year. Sure, you’ll read an assortment of odd and/or absurd fabrications by the article’s end, but this time around it’s all for a worthwhile goal: We want you to appreciate what you have.
There are certainly horrible bands out there that make us rethink our love for music and/or life in general, but it could be a hell of a lot worse. Sometimes it takes the scenario of Lars Ulrich starting World War III (and surprise, downloading is involved) or Jimi Hendrix producing a Jonas Brother’s album to return us to our happy place. So if you find yourself complaining about your favorite band’s atrocious new single or you’re simply tired of Fall Out Boy, um, existing, let’s briefly ponder just how screwed up (and utterly bizarre) this world truly could be…
A Dangerous Theory Develops
Mastodon’s new album
Crack The Skye marks a commercial peak for the band, selling 10, 000 more copies than its previous album
Blood Mountain in the first week. With many of the songs written following a head injury suffered by vocalist/guitarist Brent Hinds, musicians with writers’ block begin to think there might just be something to this concussion business.
Smashing Pumpkins’ Billy Corgan is said to be seen punching himself in the face nightly, while the members of Weezer consider the option of a “beatdown” when they can no longer find humor in themselves. Unfortunately, the inspiration that touched Hinds was not quite as kind to Corgan, who now thinks that a Zwan reunion would be a super-great idea. No more punches for you, Billy.
People Believe Fred Durst To Be the Next Guitar God
When a YouTube video of Fred Durst
playing a guitar solo begins to circulate, the comments that appear below the clip tend to be so bitingly sarcastic that the Limp Bizkit frontman doesn’t realize he’s getting panned. Mistaking all of the verbal jabs for positive reinforcement, Durst now believes he has Zakk Wylde-like chops. Knowing that it’s just a matter of time before he’s on the outs again with his Limp Bizkit bandmates, Durst decides he has the goods to develop a series of instructional guitar DVDs.
Although the guitar community considers them a joke, the DVDs are so popular in the comedy section of Blockbuster that Durst is requested for guitar clinics all over the world. With Joe Satriani, Steve Vai, and Paul Gilbert losing out on bookings, the almighty triad must plot their revenge…
Napster Still Thrives, But Lars Isn’t Having It
Do you feel like hearing that new U2 song? Head over to Napster and get busy downloading. Perhaps you would like to rip the latest Mastodon album in full? It’s eagerly waiting for you – no charge. While most of us our climaxing right about now, somewhere out in La La Land a record exec is getting the dry heaves. In such a perfect world such as this, what could possibly go wrong? Well, after a decade of file sharing without consequence, all of the record labels go under. That’s the highlight. When Metallica’s Lars Ulrich hears that thieves (a.k.a. The fans that purchased his albums throughout the 1980’s and brought him fame) have downloaded his new record for free, the bloody battle that had been foretold begins. That’s right: World War III, otherwise known as The Battle of Ulrich Versus (Insert Your Name Here). Ulrich challenges every fan that has ever downloaded his songs to a duel to the death. However, he is willing to reconsider if you offer him a small fee or would like to purchase one of his lovely paintings.
The Guns N’ Roses Original Lineup Thrives
There is a multitude of fans who listened to their
Appetite For Destruction albums so frequently that the poor LPs or cassettes eventually became unplayable. Guns N’ Roses was one of the few bands who inspired such hysteria in the late 1980s-early 1990’s, and it’s hard not to wonder what might have happened if Slash, Izzy, Duff, and even Steven weathered the storm. What if we didn’t have to spend the last 15 years waiting for
Chinese Democracy because the true lineup of Guns N’ Roses never dissolved in the first place? Yes, yes, it’s a ludicrous situation that would never happen in the mind of Axl Rose, but we can’t help but wish.
If we assume that Guns N’ Roses was a band of rational, drug-free, diva-less musicians, then in 2009 we might just be purchasing Use Your Illusion XV rather than the masterpiece-that-just wasn’t, Chinese Democracy. When he realizes how popular Use Your Illusion I and II (and later III through XIV) were financially, he makes a bold move. The singer decides to re-release The Spaghetti Incident under the new title of – you guessed it – Use Your Illusion XV. When the public realizes that GN’R is passing off an album full of cover songs (particularly ones that weren’t embraced the first time around) as new material, the backlash is insurmountable. Axl realizes that he must spend at least 15 years – nay, 30 years – writing a new album, and it absolutely must feature a bicycle (with basket, of course) as the cover art. Wait, this is supposed to be worse than reality. Jazz that bicycle up with some tassels. Pure rock.
Liam Gallagher’s Clothing Line Causes Bad Blood
After Oasis’ Noel Gallagher hears that his brother Liam has started a new clothing line, he refuses to be outdone. It should be noted that the guitarist was rumored to have been working on the grandest musical composition of his life and had to set it aside for the sake of fashion, but you can’t deny the bond of brothers who love to throw F bombs at each other. After all, Noel was also driven by the same bone-chilling, otherworldly inspiration that guided his Liam. I think he put it best in his eloquent declaration, “I like clothes.”
The whole operation was off the ground and running until a company meeting went awry. Liam insisted on being the model for one particular hat (which looks oddly similar to the black leather one John Lennon made famous during the Beatlemania period), but Noel was not having it. The Gallagher brothers furiously battled it out until Liam brandished a sewing pin. He pierced Noel’s hand, rendering him lame and unable to play guitar any longer. You may have doubted if Oasis could truly ever be like The Beatles, but now we’ll never know. Damn you, Project Runway.
Spoons: The Choice For Fine Metal Musicians Everywhere?
This trippy one will make you ponder the question, “Just what is metal?” Suspend your disbelief, if you will. What if the electric guitar was never invented? All of the masterful metal in
Master of Puppets would be impossible…or would it? If there is a kid in some bizarre universe (without guitars, of course) playing the metal spoons, beer can flute, or funked-out garden hose, could they hold a candle to Kirk Hammett or Dimebag Darrell?
It’s safe to bet that guitar-driven songs have shaped a good number of our lives’ paths, and it’s hard to fathom what beastly instrument could possibly take the place of all the Gibsons, Fenders, or Deans out there. No more. It’s too disturbing of a concept to go on…
Jimi Hendrix Is Alive…And Producing For The Jonas Brothers?
This one will border on blasphemy for some of you out there. Let’s say that a miracle of sorts occurred, and guitar master Jimi Hendrix avoided his untimely death in 1970. As the only surviving member of the “legendary three” (himself, Jim Morrison, and Janis Joplin), Hendrix is so horrified that his friends succumbed to drug-related deaths that he decides to lead a clean life from there on. We’re not necessarily about to say that the drugs played a huge role in the amazing hits “Purple Haze” or “Foxy Lady, ” but our 2009 clean version of Jimi does give one pause.
Hendrix puts his guitar aside in favor of producing an album for the Jonas Brothers, who he claims are “models of good behavior.” However, he does whip out the Fender when Ryan Seacrest requests his presence for Hollywood Week on American Idol. Even Axl Rose is disturbed at the transformed Hendrix and preaches to the guitar legend that there is only way out of the pop abyss. He must don a mysterious bucket-like head/hat and tour with the GN’R singer. Jimi obliges, and Axl fires him. Jimi’s story is a sad one, but it all works out for Axl. He’s got at least 10 extra guitarists in storage at all times.
Chris Cornell Puts Out A Dance Album
Oh, crap. That’s reality.
/ my profile 
