God had contained No Remorse for St. Anger anymore. Heaven was on the verge of entering The Frayed Ends of Sanity due to this Bad Seed and his Attitude, and God had to do something about this Struggle Within. But God was not allowed to kill saints, not even Ronnie, and she was Some Kind of Monster, God had to admit. "This is The End Of The Line," God said to himself. (Don’t ask why God talks to himself, he’s Better Than You.) "This Frantic fool is the One being Bleeding Me of my sanity. If I can’t order The Four Horsemen to eliminate him, I can send him away! But to where…the star of Orion?..." But then God had thought of the greatest idea he had ever thought of since the Leper Messiah incident…
"Of Wolf And Man!?!" St. Anger raged
"So The Day That Never Comes is finally here. I’ve become The Unforgiven to you now, that it?"
"Well actually," God continued, "You’re the Unforgiven III. Satan was the original, even you should know that. And The Unforgiven II….well…The Memory Remains of Ronnie, yes?"
"Oh God…uh, I meant ‘Oh dear’, that poor thing drew The Shortest Straw, how is she?"
"Trapped Under Ice maybe, who can remember? But enough!!" God roared. "Nothing Else Matters at this point. The Eye of The Beholder agrees that it would be best for everyone here if you were to leave for Earth, Where The Wild Things Are, so to speak.
"But why Lord? What the hell could Poor Twisted Me have done to be forced to Jump In The Fire?!"
"For one thing Anger, your profanity is a Thorn Within My World."
"Oh come on, mother f-" St. Anger was interrupted by The Thing That Should Not Be, a bulging vein that appeared on God’s forehead as large as a 2 x 4, which always foretold Creeping Death. "Uhhhhhh……Mother….Fixxxer, heh…" The vein slowly disappeared, preventing the almost fatal summoning of the Metal Militia, which would have surely left St. Anger Broken, Beat & Scarred.
"Don’t Tread On Me." God threatened with an Unnamed Feeling that left that section of Heaven Blackened. "Do not stand tall towards those Holier Than Thou. The Call of Ktulu would only be the beginning of My Apocalypse."
"Alright! I am sorry already, Ain’t My Bitch…I mean, ain’t my problem I swear casually."
"It’s Sad But True, I realize this," God said almost sympathetically. "Even with my power, I cannot create a Cure to Purify you of your…Motorbreath."
"So you send me like an outcast Through The Never, to be a mortal?! To Live is To Die Lord, I can’t survive among humans!"
"Oh, but it is not me who will send you down. Jesus!!" God called out.
Oh great, St. Anger thought to himself, here comes Prince Charming, Hero Of The Day.
"I HEARD THAT FOOL!!!!" God thundered at him. "My Friend of Misery, if you so dare-"
"Please do not yell Lord, my father." It was Jesus, who had appeared as if out of nowhere, materializing out of Sweet Amber.
"Yes," St. Anger continued mockingly. "Please do not yell at me, Phantom Lord." He finished with a grin.
"Wasting My Hate on this little cretin…." God stormed off in a Battery of annoyance.
"So, The Outlaw Torn finally leaves on this, the Dyers Eve." Jesus soothingly said without a trace of intolerance.
"Listen King Nothing," Anger defiantly protested. "I’ve spent thousands of human years as a full fledged high ranking angel,"
"Anger," Jesus interrupted solemnly. "Your halo doesn’t even glow properly atop your head." And it was true. Like all other saints, St. Anger did possess a yellow halo, but it lacked the glowing aura all other halos had. It shone no longer, if it ever did.
"Gimme a break, its just low on Fuel!" Anger rebutted. "Unlike your daddy the Harvester Of Sorrow, my golden ring does not feed on pissing off people all the time."
"Despite your obviously desperate efforts to remain in the Promised Land, I’m afraid to say that it s our Lord’s wish to see you gone from our sights." Jesus began to take a few steps closer to Anger with his arms beginning to outstretch towards him, the ritual that took place for all of Heaven’s "Disposable Heroes".
"Oh no, stay away from me!" St. Anger pleaded worriedly. "No Devil’s Dance for me thanks, just go and Slither in some other direction-" But it was much too late for him. Jesus had already wrapped his arms around him and as much as he had forced himself, he could not get free.
"For Whom The Bell Tolls," Christ began, his eyes closed as if in prayer. "My love and passion goes out to you in your new life."
"JESUS CHRIST, LET GO OF ME!!! I DON’T WANNA, I don’t wanna…."
"All Within My Hands I can see the ordeals you have caused for others here in our land, but it is forgivable." That’s when Jesus proceeded to kiss St. Anger on the forehead.
"Aw, shit….not the…" But it was already too late. It just mere moments St. anger could no longer feel, hear or see anything. Heaven had already begun to Fade To Black…
"The Judas Kiss!!" St. Anger yelled in a roar as he awoke. "…Where in Hell am I?" Anger was lying on a small single bed with white sheets in the center of a small room, appeared to be 3meters wide, long and tall. Behind him a dying shade of sunlight seeped through a Dirty Window. Anger attempted to look through the window but failed to see any visible images beyond the grime. He patted his head and behind his shoulders; No halo or wings. Opposite from the window was a door with no handle or peephole, just hinges. Written, or carved near the bottom was "Shoot Me Again Wherever I May Roam".
Above him were dangling fluorescent lights he attempted to get working. Twisting them didn’t do much and just as he was about to Hit The Lights in anger (hey, go figure), when he heard a voice from the left wall. "Hey, you finally ‘wake?"
St. Anger laid his fists down and instantly replied, turning towards his left. "Hello?! Who the hell’s that?"
The voice laughed in anxious excitement and triumph. "Haha! So it was you! I thought maybe they put you under Anesthesia! Pulling Teeth wouldn’t have got you up. I just about gave up shrieking about an hour ago."
"What the f--k is this place already!?! Who are you?"
"This is The House That Jack Built you crazy dumbass. Though I suppose that is why you’re here. Cuz you’re crazy.
"What? Where did they send me!?"
"Well, ‘they’ sent you down to Damage Inc. Asylum. Welcome Home.
"Sanitarium?!?!!!?" St. Anger bellowed with rage. "He sent me to A F--KING SANITARIUM??!!!!!!!?? I used to be in Heaven with all the other saints, and f--king God and his two-bit son sends me HERE???"
"Well, That Was Just Your Life I reckon. Maybe you know Gerald, he claims he used to be good buds with an angel, maybe you know his friend?"
"Huh?" Anger responded impatiently.
"Gerald! He’s in the room right across from you, pretty sure if they haven’t relocated him. And not to mention Invisible Kid, who’s got the room on your other side. Little prick never says a damn word though, pompous little cretin. You hear me, Invisible?"
St. Anger listened but for 5 whole seconds only silence replied. "Yeah well f--k your mother too. Rude asshole. At least I could see her!"
"I can’t believe it," Anger said, nearly coming to tears. "I’m actually gonna die in here..all by myself.."
"Don’t be silly!" The man from the left wall said. "You’ve always got me good sir!"
"And who the hell are you anyway lowlife?!"
"Lowlife? Hell no sir, you’re mistaken. I’m Jack! The founder of this fine asylum. You probably wouldn’t know but I’m known around here as the Master of Puppets."
St. Anger was dumbfounded. "Why is the founder of this place locked up in the very same place he made?"
"It’s a simple story, really. A few years ago the west wing, the very same section you and I reside in, had a fire a few years back and I tried to put it out."
"Okay, and?"
"Well, just take my advice friend: Don’t ever Fight Fire With Fire."
"Wait, You tried to stop a fire with more fire??"
"It’s just like Mama Said when I was a boy. But enough of the past my friend. I need you to help us Escape."
St. Anger was almost instantly filled with hope for his sanity’s survival. "Escape?? Tell me how! I need to get out!!"
"Alright, calm down my new comrade. I trust you because you are new here, and because you are not one of the many crazies I sent here that are still out to Seek And Destroy me. The fire of last year still affects the building. Since my imprisonment I have been slowly but effectively clawing at the poorly reconstructed walls with my own nails and teeth causing great Whiplash, but for some time now, I believe the walls are ready to come down, but there is no way I could storm the building on my own! But like a guardian angel, you come to me with the same desperate passion to not Ride The Lightning, so to speak."
St. Anger replied with a grunt of puzzlement.
"You know, the electric chair. Death. When certain people here become too much to handle, or simply if we are low on space, then poof! Off to Heaven…or Hell."
This immediately piqued Anger’s interest. He had just intended to escape and cope with living on Earth as an inferior human; Suicide would have surely sent him to Hell instead of Home….but what if the staff of this place did it for him?
"What do you need me to do?!!?" He yelled with enthusiasm that filled his stuffy room.
"Haha, excellent determination!" Jack rioted eagerly. "I shall have to ask for your name if we survive our Blitzkrieg to the outside! It would be simple to lose our lives, but even if we die it would be Suicide And Redemption!"
Suicide?, Anger thought to himself. I can’t have that. I’ll surely be sent to Hell!
"We have to prevail!" Anger said with vigilance. "You and I will battle until our will dies!"
"You mean Until It Sleeps, my friend. They won’t kill us immediately, just tranquilize us and contemplate what to do with us afterwards."
"When do we begin Jack?" At first, there was no answer. Seconds later, Anger heard a scratching sound from the left wall. Then in seconds, the entire left wall came crumbling down over the knobless door and nearly crushing him. Inside the whole in the wall was a tall man wearing a single white robe and a robust black beard. Soon alarms were ringing deafeningly through out the now visible halls.
"Quickly my friend!!" He yelled as he ran out. "And Justice For All! We must not get caught!" By instinct Anger followed Jack running past dozens of other doors, most of which contained the Low Man’s Lyric of each captive. "We cannot save them all," Jack yelled back to St. Anger. "As Mama said, Carpe Diem Baby!" Just 4 seconds after he had said that, a woman stepped from in front and shot a dart into Jack’s neck. "Awww no…..not the Cyanide, mother-" and he fell to the ground unconscious.
"Carpe Diem, Babe. Enter Sandman easily tonight darling." The woman said.
That’s his mother?!? St. Anger thought to himself.
"So the newboy is the one causing all this ruckus eh? Well I’ve got some medicine for you to chew on All Nightmare Long!" She shot another dart at St. Anger, this one hitting him in the forearm. It didn’t hurt at all, which gave him time to read the small letters printed on the side: CYANIDE.
"Shit! This is actual poison!?! I gotta get-" And then he fell to the ground dead, killed by
the master of the Master of Puppets.
…
"Hello?" St. Anger called out.
He was standing on a large white puffy cloud, one that resembled the one he used to live on.
"Am I dead? Am I home?!"
He was answered by St. Peter who came to his call instantly. "Hello! Welcome to…..oh God not you-" But before he could he finish he inadvertently summoned God himself to join them.
"Yes Peter what is…" and that’s when he saw St. Anger standing below him, waving his hand holding his halo with a big fat smile across his face.
"I’m baaaaack!"
"Aw Christ," The God That Failed muttered.
[**I wrote this almost 2 years ago. I have another Coincidence story here]
