101 Rules For Glam Metal

01. Make sure you use at least 5 cans of hairspray a day.
02. Makeup is mandatory
03. Your guitar should be brightly colored.
04. One of your main goals is to see how many amps you can fit on stage.
05. Your other is to see how many half naked female dancers you can fit on stage.
06. You should always be wearing spandex pants.
07. If you look at all like a man, then you aren't ready to leave the house.
08. Every song that you write should be about drugs or sex.
09. The main riff of your songs should be two powerchord eighth notes followed by a rest. See "Cherry Pie" by Warrant.
10. Your solos should be melodic, and repetitive. See "Talk Dirty to Me" as made famous by Poison.
11. People should only be able to tell you from your half naked female dancers by the dick print in your Spandex. Other than that you should look just like them.
12. If you don't have sex with at least 50 women after a show, then the show was a waste of time for you.
13. You have to make cheesy music videos for all of your singles.
14. Your videos have to involve hot chicks and fast cars, unless it is for a ballad, in which it still could have them.
15. Every album you release should have one sappy "power" ballad.
16. You have to be dating a stripper at all times.
17. You must cheat on her after every show with groupies.
18. When she dumps you for it you have to write a shitty "power" ballad about it.
19. You are also allowed to date porn stars.
20. If you get married, then you have to get a divorce within a year.
21. If you are not already there, then you must move to L.A.
22. Advertise as many things as humanly possible.
23. Make sure that you list Judas Priest as one of your biggest influences, even though you are nothing like Judas Priest.
24. In every interview, say how much you love Heavy Metal, and how you love playing it, even though there is nothing Heavy about you or your band.
25. If you know how many women you have slept with, then you haven't done enough.
26. If you aren't playing, then you should be High or drunk.
27. You should really be both.
28. There should always be an afterparty.
29. You should be addicted to at least 10 hard drugs.
30. You should use Cocaine to get energy for a show.
31. If you see a girl you want to have sex with, then ask, and if she doesn't say no, then do what you want to do.
32. If you don't have any STDs then you need to have more sex.
33. If you don't have any kids then you need to have more sex.
34. If you can still think clearly then you need more drugs.
35. Your singer must be a soprano, or an alto, but still must be a dude.
36. You can't actually know what a soprano or alto is.
37. All of your albums should have parental advisory stickers on them.
38. Your outfits should be colorful and glittery.
39. Your album covers should be either a picture of a naked chick, or a picture of a band members Crotch.
40. You should glorify drugs and sex with everything you do.
41. You should always wear a scarf.
42. You should also tie a scarf around your microphone stand.
43. All thrash bands, thrash fans, and Parents should hate your guts.
44. If no one calls you a faggot, then you need to look more feminine.
45. Paint your fingernails.
46. You should dance at all of your shows.
47. Someone in your band needs to overdose on heroin.
48. Afterwards they will get clean, and claim to be "high on Life".
49. If you wear a T-shirt, then the sleeves should be ripped off.
50. Your T-shirt should also be either for your band, or for a porno magazine. Preferably Hustler.
51. Your music videos should offend all feminists.
52. You have to claim that your music is about "having fun".
53. You should own at least fifty guitars, even if you are the drummer.
54. At least one of these should have never been played.
55. You should get a front door key to the playboy mansion.
56. You should trash every hotel room you stay in.
57. If you are in a non-smoking hotel room, then smoking is mandatory.
58. You should start your own line of clothing for Babies.
59. Make sure you play lots of covers.
60. Write your singles to try to get as much radio airplay as humanly possible.
61. Make sure that you always shave. If you grow a beard you might actually look like a man and we can't have that.
62. You can only play stadiums, and clubs on the sunset strip.
63. You must have a drug dealer on your speed dial.
64. You must have a Hooker on your speed dial.
65. Actually you should have several of each on speed dial.
66. You should own at least 10 fast cars.
67. Pyrotechnics and Lights are the most important part of your stage show.
68. Your songs should not be heavy at all.
69. In fact, they should be extremely poppy.
70. You should still however claim to be heavy metal.
71. If your dating a girl with small breasts, then make sure you buy her the biggest implants you can.
72. You should be drunk or high for every show.
73. Actually you should always be drunk or high.
74. You should also always have a chick on each arm.
75. Never, Ever, Under any Circumstances, cut your hair.
76. The only places you should have hair is you head and your chest.
77. Your outfit should show your chest hair.
78. Chest hair should be the only masculine thing about you.
79. If you ever write a song that is not about sex or drugs you should never play it.
80. You can also re-write it to be about sex or drugs.
81. Never play fast. Speed chases away the pop audience.
82. If you aren't high, then you need to get some kind of drug immediatley.
83. If you aren't drunk, then you need a drink now.
84. You can't drink beer though, you have to drink a fruity drink.
85. Make sure that you tell the crowd that you love them and that they have been great. NO MATTER WHAT.
86. You should try to get the biggest possible fan club.
87. Money is important.
88. You need money to buy drugs, and to get sex.
89. Your girlfriend should be extremely hot.
90. She should also be in one of your music videos.
91. I know that I already said it about 100 times, but drugs and sex.
92. Remember, that no matter what happens, you should always sell out.
93. Never palm mute anything. It would make you sound heavy, and that would be bad.
94. Claim that your band is great and unique because you have a vision, even though there are a hundre bands just like you.
95. Never say no to sex.
96. Never say no to drugs.
97. At your shows you should always encourage the female members of the audience to take of their top and jump up and down.
98. Just remember, there will always be one who actually does it.
99. You should make sure that at every show you play at least one lighter song.
100. You should get to sign a girls boobs after every show.
101. Once more drugs and sex.

Comments

[Korzack]

To be quite frank, I think #51 should be a General pointer full stop!
hehe Nice parody, man - TBH, as much of a fan as I am, Motley have a lot to answer for...

[jean_genie]

Less Glam. More hair.

Glam bands like David Bowie and TRex were actually pretty good. Even the first few Sweet records. The world misses Marc Bolan, even if they don't know it

[crohno]

hahahahahahahaha it's so ****ing funny and realistic...

[nileflows]

hahahahahahahaha ... man this kicks ass ! so fkin true !

[chimairapwns]

LOL that was great!

[UltimateDud]

I love it

[FretboardToAsh]

hmm, funny I guess. Didn't have me rolling at the floor at all though.

[mcr-fan-405]

so i play guitar, i need a drummer bassist and a vocalist to move out to L.A. with me to live by this
anyone interested?

[kattaway96]

jean_genie wrote:

Less Glam. More hair.

Glam bands like David Bowie and TRex were actually pretty good. Even the first few Sweet records. The world misses Marc Bolan, even if they don't know it

I Said Glam METAL. which is the same thing as hair metal.

[wildchild6660]

jean_genie wrote:

Less Glam. More hair.

Glam bands like David Bowie and TRex were actually pretty good. Even the first few Sweet records. The world misses Marc Bolan, even if they don't know it

You forgot to mention WASP

[itchy guitar]

Wow. Over half of those were just redundant and about another 20 were just untrue. The rest were fine though.

[SlayingDragons]

:haha: this, is epic my freind. So freaking true, too. :haha:

[webbtje]

http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun.php?f_type=1

Nice try, but way, way too similar to this stuff.

[VanTheKraut]

You sir get 1 star. Not impressed at all.

[rebugger75]

not half bad.
concise and to-the-point*

[rebugger75]

*oops

[wolfrock780]

lol... that was really good...HELL YEAH 80'S ROCK

[Trivium_Child]

Haha .. . . sweet! KUDOS!

[Trivium_Child]

97!!!!!

[bambi89]

that got boring very quickly but was mainly true i spose

[model_15]

incredible, you should do one for the scene kids next

[model_15]

glam metal makes my bowels ill and unpredictable

[Firering56]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[TromboneThunder]

jean_genie wrote:

Less Glam. More hair.

Glam bands like David Bowie and TRex were actually pretty good. Even the first few Sweet records. The world misses Marc Bolan, even if they don't know it

Hmm? David Bowie was glam for an album or two, but then he moved on. And all those songs were far too musically complex to be like REAL glam. C'mon, man, it's your username.

[jthm_guitarist]

Might have been funny 20 years ago... how did this get on the front page?

[Ghold125]

Funny, for the fist 60, then just got repetitive

[ajreciever14]

i like how this is on the front page the same time as twisted sister

[bazman13]

jean_genie wrote:

Less Glam. More hair.

Glam bands like David Bowie and TRex were actually pretty good. Even the first few Sweet records. The world misses Marc Bolan, even if they don't know it

thats glam rock, this is glam metal. but its all just semantics at the end of the day

[Vinura]

legend

[Phoenix-Kun]

A lot of this would apply to scene kids, because seriously, look at a scene kid and tell me they don't look like pat benitar

[Xeus]

lol nice

[Cookie_Dog]

#60 is apparently now #1 for this generation.

[little_wing_14]

what about having to speak with a british accent no matter what country your from???? haha

[Andragon]

Wait.. UG accepts articles trashing genres nowadays?
I'm in no way a fan of "glam," but dissing it is not how you go bout it. Unimpressed. Voted 1* because there's no zero voting.

[LnyBrd]

I dont get it...whats your point? hehe

[LnyBrd]

little_wing_14 wrote:

what about having to speak with a british accent no matter what country your from???? haha

That would be Punk...

[LnyBrd]

ajreciever14 wrote:

i like how this is on the front page the same time as twisted sister

Thats just plain spooky

[afterthewar]

I'm pretty sure I read this somewhere else. It was still funny though.

[Xhale1]

lmao this was funny

[sam i am]

I'm sure a lot of these a lifted stright from that Nickleback song.....

[joedruane]

This list proves that Glam Metal is pure bullshit

[Blas3]

NICE!

[clapton-floyd]

I am a fan of some glam metal, but yes, I agree alot of the image is a joke. But what the hell is with UG allowing this mocking article of the front page? If anyone wrote the equivalent about metal (or some other popular genre) there would be flaming a-plenty and it wouldn't be allowed.

More to the point though, how can you mock someone for getting laid?

[ItsOnlyGNR]

i thought the thing about the power chords and main riff thing wasn't true. i know lots of hair metal songs that don't involve that at all... but otherwise still pretty good

[actaderock]

i didnt find it funny actually

[Darkoblivion319]

That was pretty funny, but there were a couple things I didn't like. For one trashing hotel rooms was around before glam metal, Zeppelin are the most infamous for it. And the second thing is the comment about tying your scarf around your mic stand, which was also around before glam metal(case in point: Steven Tyler).

[CelestialChaos]

That was truly a waste of an article. It deserves less than the 4.2 it has at the moment.

[Phaustho]

I liked it, had a nice time reading it. Gave it 10* and raised it to 4.8

[HardAttack]

Man, you should have re-named this to "101 Rules For Being Like Dr. Rockso". (Dethklok reference, everyone. Dethklok reference.) Still hilarious though.

[Zakattak264]

waste of everything possible. glam dosent deserve half the credit and popularity it gets. Darkoblivion319 is completely right, who in their right minds thinks that sex and drugs were only popular in the 80's? Woodstock = The highest orgy in the world(to date).

[grind]

not that funny. at all.

[shut_up_n00b]

This was just tasteless.

[Hale_91]

kudos for actually having 101 points in your list. even if most are repeats, and some are hypocritical..

nether the less. good work.

[courtkid1012]

I think you just summed up KISS.

[i b hippie]

for all us thrash fans out there, HELL YEAH!!!!!

[shreddyboy]

this is funny as hell. i liek some glam rock music, but a lot of them were all about the image.

[aaciseric]

actaderock wrote:
i didnt find it funny actually

Me neither, un-original, repitive and for the most part not true.

[maidenfan15]

That was pretty bad. You repeated too many WAY too much. Some could also be said about every other band out there. Seriously, telling the crowd that they've been great? Isn't that common courtesy?

[artnotapathy]

maidenfan15 wrote:

That was pretty bad. You repeated too many WAY too much. Some could also be said about every other band out there. Seriously, telling the crowd that they've been great? Isn't that common courtesy?

nope not at all. search youtube for "nickelback gets booed off stage"

and this is pretty funny....3 stars

[ry4n23bell]

can really tell who the glam fans are by the responses to this article. lol
but yeah, very funny, very true (in someways) just lil repetitive. 3.5 stars

[ry4n23bell]

lol i mean 7/10. used to youtube :P

[Warlock-Revenge]

haha, i like how like 7 of them are repeated like 20 times.

[Cyngus]

94. Claim that your band is great and unique because you have a vision, even though there are a hundre bands just like you. you forgot the d in hundred

[Cyngus]

94. Claim that your band is great and unique because you have a vision, even though there are a hundre bands just like you. you fogot the d in hundred

[Haunt3dAng3l]

I'm sorry but this article is made of FAIL

and AIDS

[kattaway96]

clapton-floyd wrote:

I am a fan of some glam metal, but yes, I agree alot of the image is a joke. But what the hell is with UG allowing this mocking article of the front page? If anyone wrote the equivalent about metal (or some other popular genre) there would be flaming a-plenty and it wouldn't be allowed.

More to the point though, how can you mock someone for getting laid?

It's one thing to get laid, its another to write a bunch of shitty songs to get laid.

[kattaway96]

Warlock-Revenge wrote:

haha, i like how like 7 of them are repeated like 20 times.

You failed 3rd grade math didn't you.

[pacsabbath25]

lol this is the funniest ug article i have evr read

[PUNKfromNORWAY]

somebody has a interesting life

[wafl]

this is awesome

[dfisher_18]

I'm sure you had a lot of fun writing this, but if you haven't noticed glam metal is dead. Sorry but your tranny days are over, time to live 20 years ahead of time

[Wolfinator-x]

My favorite style is hair metal, but it made me laugh anyway XD

[kattaway96]

Its kinda funny how all the glam fans get all pissed off about this. Im a thrash fan, and if someone mad a list of all the stupid stereotypes about thrash i would laugh at them. Also its stupid how people keep saying that this is untrue, because they know damn well it was. and as for stuff that was done by non-glam bands before yes it was but glam was what did it all.