101 Rules For Pop-Punk Kids

author: The Goat date: 05/27/2004 category: junkyard
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So, in keeping with the other genres of music and their 101 rules lists, I offer you the pop-punk one. Enjoy. Or don't and call me an idiot, whichever, I don't really care.

101 Rules For Pop-Punk

01. Always wear something with pyramid-studs on it. 02. Always wear a hemp bracelet or necklace, purchased from Pac Sun. 03. Listen to Blink-182, NFG, and other similarily styled groups. Claim that you were a fan before they ever went mainstream. 04. Constantly refer to yourself as "punk" or "hardcore". 05. Buy a cheap acoustic guitar. 06. Cover the guitar in stickers and carry it with you everywhere you go. 07. Play only Dashboard Confessional songs on your guitar, but claim that you wrote them if anybody doesn't recognize the song that you're playing. 08. Purchase the following shoes: 09. Chuck Taylors 10. DC 11. Etnies 12. Own t-shirts with the logos of every skateboard company in existence. 13. Purchase a skateboard. Carry it with you everywhere, riding it only when there are girls around. 14. Listen to your discman constantly. Turn up the volume so loud that you begin to go deaf. 15. Listen to Yellowcard, and claim that their use of violins is the "most brilliant move in music history". 16. Make frequent references to your blood flowing. 17. Listen to various emo bands, and claim that they are "deep" and "for real". 18. Have opinions about "important issues" based on what you saw on CNN. 19. Defend your opinions by calling other people "poseurs" or "fakes". 20. Claim that you would die at any time for your beliefs, because you are "hardcore" and "for real". 21. Shop only at pawn shops, used record stores, and Army & Navy. 22. Search for and purchase obscure vinyl records. 23. Carry them around in your backpack and show them to people, claiming that they are "such an awesome band" and tell everyone that you've known about them for much longer than you have. 24. Search for and purchase obscure religious or philosophical texts and pretend to read them. 25. If anybody asks what you're reading, tell them the title, and laugh derisively at them when they tell you that they've never heard of it. 26. Purchase a Che Guevera poster. 27. Associate only with other pop-punk types. 28. Spend all your time together playing your out-of-tune acoustic guitars and discussing the latest pop-punk records and how "original" and "hardcore" they are. 29. Claim to hate Good Charlotte, but secretly listen to them constantly when you are at home. 30. Ditto for the Bay City Rollers 31. and Simple Plan. 32. Listen to The Used. Claim that Bert McCracken is the most hardcore guy you've ever heard. 33. Form a band with other equally un-talented wannabe musicians. 34. Buy a VW bus or large van to drive your parent-purchased equipment to shows. 35. Call your band "the _______" because you're incredibly original and hardcore. 36. Play only covers of songs that are constantly played on the radio. 37. Idolize the members of Blink-182. 38. Claim that they are "genuine punk rock music" and that they are "incredibly original" and "started the genre of modern punk". 39. Quit your band because you're too good for them. 40. Form a new band and write your own songs. 41. Use variations of the same 4 power-chord progression for all of your songs. 42. Try to write songs that will invoke mosh pits. 43. Yell: Oi! Oi! Oi! at least once in every one of your songs. 44. Tell everybody how long you've been playing guitar, which is obviously longer than any of them have. 45. Make up names of "punk bands" and laugh at people who havn't heard of them. 46. Tell people how long you've been a fan of the bands you list in your MSN profile, which is obviously much longer than they have, because you're a diehard fan. 47. Change your screen name to "yellowcardNFGemoBLINKdude182". 48. Purchase a pair of orange Dickies pants. 49. Wear 2 spiked belts crossed around your hips, but not through the belt loops of your pants. 50. Wear a "seatbelt" style belt. 51. Wear your pants so low that your boxers are constantly visible. 52. Bandy about the word "conformist" like you're being paid for each usage. 53. Tell people that you're an "anarchist" and that you know all about "anarchy". 54. Claim to listen to the Sex Pistols. 55. Claim to listen to the Ramones, when in reality, the only songs you can name by them are "I Wanna Be Sedated" and "Blitzkreig Bop". 56. Do this so that people will believe that you actually know what punk music is. 57. You have no idea what punk music really is. 58. Defend your musical tastes by claiming that you heard of the band you're listening to before they ever released a major-label debut. 59. Listen to Thursday and Thrice. 60. Quote lyrics to emo songs in every conversation. 61. Write songs about your blood flowing. 62. Try unsuccessfully to form a screamo band because you can't scream and you have no talent on the guitar. 63. Whine all the time. 64. Talk your parents into buying you a drum kit. 65. Tell everybody that you play drums. 66. Carry drumsticks and guitar picks in your bag/pocket all the time. 67. Put an A for anarchy sticker on your guitar. 68. Throw the horns, but with your thumb instead of just 2 fingers. 69. Get your ears pierced. 70. Claim that you pierced your ears for some deep, spiritual reason, because you are "totally hardcore" and "for real". 71. Buy 80s style sunglasses. 72. Buy a trucker hat and wear it sideways. 73. Have at least 5 Famous Stars and Stripes t-shirts. 74. Have a chain going from your belt-loop to your wallet. 75. Start at "side project" that consists of you playing acoustic covers of Blink-182 songs. 76. Start smoking because it makes you cool. 77. Put a "Something Corporate" sticker on your parent-purchased discman. 78. Take it off, because Something Corporate have become sellouts. 79. Talk constantly about "sellout bands" and how they're not true punk. 80. Talk constantly about making it big with your band. Claim that you'd never be sellouts and would always stay true to the fans and to "punk rock music" because you're so "hardcore" and "for real". 81. Purchase a hoodie. 82. Cover it with patches of various lame pop-punk bands, attached with safety pins. 83. Wear the same hoodie every day, never wash it. 84. Get your parents to buy you some rediculously expensive skate shoes. 85. Wear them everywhere, untied, with stupidly thick parent-purchased red laces. 86. Get a nautical star tattooed on your arm or leg. 87. Tell everybody how spiritual your tattoo experience was and how original it makes you. 88. Own at least one baby blue pair or pants or shirt. 89. Wear a knitted wool hat all the time, even in the summer. 90. Buy a paper-thin second hand leather jacket and cover it in pyramid studs. 91. Get your parents to buy you one of those stupid jean jackets that cost about 200 dollars and are new but look old and tattered. 92. Get a job at McDonald's, spend all your money on the newest, latest, lame pop-punk band releases. 93. Talk about how capitalism is ruining America, and that anarchy is the best system. 94. When asked what anarchy is, say "no government" and walk away, mumbling about "uninformed, uneducated people". 95. Grow sideburns, and grow your hair out so your bangs hang in your eyes. 96. Tell everyone about how cool you are because of your hardcore and original musical tastes in real punk rock music. 97. Memorize the names of various old punk bands, and interject them at random into conversation to try to appear to be more genuine. If asked what your favourite songs are by these bands, reply: "I like all of them" or "I just listen to the albums, I don't really know all the song titles". 98. Go to shows, no matter who happens to be playing. Tell everybody about how great you are because you support the local independant music scene. 99. Purchase the Clash t-shirt that says "the only band that matters" even though you can't name a singe member of the band or even the name of one of their albums, with the possible exception of London Calling. 100. Spike your hair because it makes you cool and hardcore. 101. End up lonely, broke and friendless because everybody but you realizes that you are a pathetic, wannabe, poseur who wishes that he was punk, but tries so hard that it sickens people.
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