A Slice Of Life

They say you can't judge a book by its cover. I say, hogwash. We size people up all the time based on the clothes they wear, the car they drive, the music they listen to. It's just that those cues aren't accurate. And so after hours spent in various pizza parlors, dorm rooms and food courts, I decided the only true and reliable way to judge people should be based on the pizza they eat.

This being an obviously huge anthropological breakthrough, my colleagues and I conducted extensive research in this regard. In fact, we recently wrote the Definitive Guide To Judging People Based On The Pizza They Eat. A six-volume study of psychological profiling we hoped would be published in the Harvard Journal Of Pizza and Social Psychology (whose editorial offices are coincidentally located in the Harvard House of Pizza) or maybe used by the FBI to catch a serial killer or something cool like that. It was summarily rejected by both parties. We turned to the next best thing ... orkut media. The following are excerpts from that work.

Plain Cheese

Loved by some. Appreciated by all.

The Good News: People who order plain cheese are solid. They're reliable. They're the backbone of their family and/or workplace. In fact, they're often called upon when no one else in the room can make a decision. And do they want credit? No, damn it, they just want to get the job done.

The Bad News: Due to their lack of imagination, people who order plain cheese have a hard time getting noticed. When they walk into a room, people often say…well, whatever they were about to say when that person walked into the room. And the last time a funny story was told about them, it ended with ... actually, you know what, there's never been a funny story told about them.

Little known fact: They enjoy reading little known facts.

Favorite Beverage: Water

Fashion item they can't live without: Khakis.

Ham and Pineapple

There's always one in the crowd.

The Good News: Fun and quirky, they're the life of the party. They take pride in being different. They've recently been described as "cute". In fact, their name probably ends with "i." People either love them or hate them and you know what? They're okay with that.

The Bad News: Let's just say, people who like Ham and Pineapple are not for everyone. Even those that like them say their personality wears thin after a while. Their laugh has been described as infectious. Well, that and annoying. Sometimes when they're described to people who don't know them, they make a scrunched up face and say "ewww."

Little known fact: They sing in front of the mirror.

Favorite Beverage: Appletini.

Fashion item they can't live without: Ankle tattoo.

The Works

They want it all.

The Good News: People who order the works look to get the most out of life, always searching for that edge. Never satisfied, they look for new and different ways to get their kicks. Go-getters and optimists, to them the glass is always half full. And if it's not, they snap their fingers at the nearest waitress and make it so.

The Bad News: During their all-consuming quest for more, they often disregard things like "ethics," "people's feelings" and "federal laws." To put it kindly, their morals are as flexible as a rubber hose. Pizza alone won't fill that dark, empty feeling they have deep inside them.

Little known fact: If they were in traffic right now, they'd be trying to merge.

Favorite Beverage: Venti Triple Shot Caramel Machiatto.

Fashion item they can't live without: Wrap-around shades.

Sausage And Onion

Not afraid of an honest day's work.

The Good News: Sausage and Onion people are regular, down to earth folk. Well-liked by all except for maybe a few of those damn hippie-type vegetarians. They've been slapped on the back many-a-time. And they probably have a one-syllable nickname like, Bud or Suze or Joe.

The Bad News: Not everyone feels comfortable around them. Some people don't quite "get" them. Sausage and Onion people often laugh at their own jokes. Usually before they tell them. And let's be honest, they've belched inappropriately more than a few times. They also look back fondly on their mullet days.

Little known fact: Something they're wearing right now has a hole in it.

Favorite Beverage: A Cold Brewski.

Fashion item they can't live without: Wallet chain.

Pepperoni

I'll have what he's having.

The Good News: Congratulations to Pepperoni Lovers. They are all slightly above average. Thanks to them, gears turn. Wheels spin. Papers get pushed. They've managed to carve their niche amongst the B+'s of the population. We applaud their efforts to rise above. No matter how slightly.

The Bad News: Like most people they want to try something new and different, they just can't think of what. They often strive for the best and achieve…well, mixed results. In other words, they are the Kevin Costners of society. Who they happen to be a big fan of. They're also good at telling funny stories. About stuff that happens to other people.

Little known fact: They secretly enjoy Olympic figure skating.

Favorite Beverage: Diet Coke.

Fashion item you can't live without: Loose-Fit Jeans

Meat Lover

I don't know when to stop.

The Good News: A pleasure-seeker, they get enjoyment from all that life offers. Especially if it involves meat. They're friendly and gregarious and constantly on the hunt for things that make them happy. Especially meat-related. They've also used the word party as a verb sometime within the past two years.

The Bad News: Taking pleasure in what life offers? Good. Overindulging to the point that women and small children must avert their eyes? Not good. Their precarious hold on will power means there will probably be an intervention and/or a series of heart attacks somewhere in their future.

Little known fact: They can name three of the ingredients in Jaegermeister.

Favorite Beverage: Cuervo Gold

Fashion item they can't live with out: Extra napkins

Black Olives

Misunderstood genius.

The Good News: An individual to the core, they march to their own drummer. Dance to their own tune. They've recently paid too much for a vintage t-shirt. And they do things that other people find eccentric. Sometimes because that's who they are, but mostly just to annoy us.

The Bad News: Yes, they're a misunderstood genius. Unfortunately it's in the Pauly Shore kind of way, not the Van Gogh-Einstein kind of way. This will certainly hinder their future plans to hog the limelight. But there's always hope. Their application to be on reality TV has been accepted.

Little known fact: They're not wearing any underwear.

Favorite Beverage: Chai

Fashion item they can't live without: Back pack.

Anchovies

Unpredictable.

People who order anchovies are psychotic and dangerous. Do not approach them or try to be friends with them.

I would like apologize to any and all pizza-eaters. He acknowledges that the profiles contained therein are grossly inaccurate and woefully under-researched. He also acknowledges that a profile of an individual cannot and should not be deduced from the type of pizza he or she may enjoy. Ice cream is clearly a more accurate and fruitful litmus.

POSTED: 02/02/2007 - 11:12 am

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Comments

[GoodCharloteSux]

what does this have to do with playing or anything with the guitar?

[jessejames1414]

hehe the hell

[CanCan]

rofl

[soulgazer]

of course!! judging by pizza is "WAY" more reliable and accurate then music... ^_^

[Deja_Vu]

Hehe, this was amusing

[new_decade]

this is nonsense. pizzography, the study of pizza consumption habits, and paleopizzography, are highly advanced sciences that take years to learn and cannot be satisfactorily summed up in this simple fashion. m'kay.

[epy]

where the hell is spicy italian

O.o


checkorated.

[Yakult]

What about us lactose free'ers?

[hardcoreatheist]

What about people who don't eat pizza?

[Leonheart]

...That was strange.

[chow7]

hardcoreatheist wrote:

What about people who don't eat pizza?

Simple they aren't people

[niguitars.com]

what about bbq chicken

[justin_fraser]

That was awesome. Thank you for those 5 minutes.

[MannishBoy91]

That could be the most pointless thing in the world. I admire someone who is willing to single-handedly waste so many peoples' time. Now bend over and spell run you shithead!

[Anarion614]

that was amazing.

[catchy phrase]

/golf clap

[Mikeoman]

MannishBoy91 wrote:

That could be the most pointless thing in the world. I admire someone who is willing to single-handedly waste so many peoples' time. Now bend over and spell run you shithead!

Hey, come on, lighten up, its funny! Not everything has to be some award-winning lesson or something like that. You don't like it,you don't have to bash it, just read something else.

( Actually, this is one of the few articles I read all the way through.)

[The_Raven]

good try, but a load of rot.

[Bass Cat]

# The Bad News: During their all-consuming quest for more, they often disregard things like "ethics," "people's feelings" and "federal laws." To put it kindly, their morals are as flexible as a rubber hose. Pizza alone won't fill that dark, empty feeling they have deep inside them.

# Little known fact: If they were in traffic right now, they'd be trying to merge.

thats the best. that made my day

[ohmerrymayhem]

i'll tell you what - i'm sick of shit like that "on the van to comeback road" wasting space on a guitar website. it pisses me off. However - this was a refreshingly light hearted and enjoyable read. It' snice to lighten up once in a while. Thanks, man.

[singer_johnny90]

aaaahhhhh hahahaha!
the best piece of literature i've read in a good long while. too many haters on this site. you guys need to lighten up. i bet you all cut yourselves for not being nice to people while you listen to Hawthorne Heights. douchebags.

loved the article. im gonna try this the next time i go to Pizza Hut!

hahahahaha

[sTx]

Wow! I really have been gone long!

Awesome replies, dudes!

Thank you!

[zadzior]

!

ohmerrymayhem wrote:

i'll tell you what - i'm sick of shit like that "on the van to comeback road" wasting space on a guitar website. it pisses me off.

You are right! It is kind of pointless...

BTW, Great article! Are you some kind of God?

[TheNthDimension]

People who order anchovies are psychotic and dangerous. Do not approach them or try to be friends with them.

QFT
Wait... that'd be me if I hadn't turned into one of those damn hippy vegetarians last year....
Anyways, good article! Nothing to do with guitar but I liked it. 10.

[spittle8]

Venti Triple Shot Caramel Machiatto

Is it wrong that I know exactly what that is, and could have named it without trouble from memory?

...

[Idiot Pineapple]

This article wins so hard.

I'm both Cheese and Sausage and onoin. Though I hate beer.

[samuwel]

I'm ashamed that you didnt include the london pizza.

big greasy cheese pizza with chips (as in fries for you americans) and garlic sauce. It just screams "I'm english, I'm fat, and i'm proud"

bloody lovely though

[kaptink]

Im an anchovie guy ;_;

[ericgentz]

But of course, when someone is allergic to cheese, or tomato sauce, lets have a look at this.
Not that I am either of those.

[redwing_suck]

That was stupid. This guy did research on this? I call shenanigans.

[revilo]

Fucking brilliant

[Ibzman]

Dude... WHERE'S THE ALL DRESSED ??!

[FretboardToAsh]

funny, btw i like fish on my pizza like squid. whatabout that? is that on the ancho pizza?

[EZLN libertad]

w


t




f?

[Notoriousdoc]

That was a better article than most of all the shite on here.

Pizza personality spotting > shredding masterclasses

[skralan]

It made me hungry... I bet it's a sponsored article from a pizza-making-company

[Partyboy2k05]

Lol, that was good. A funny read. Not everything has to be about guitar on this site, so it is nice to see something different. I'd only be mad if the site was taken over with these kinds of articles. So once in a blue moon isn't bad. 9/10

[ibanez666]

mannnnn i hate that road to a comeback thing too, i wish they would just hurry up and get to where their going, but this i enjoyed. good stuff man, but try and keep it having to do with guitars next time, judge them on what they play.

[LeveLHeaD69]

ohmerrymayhem wrote:

i'll tell you what - i'm sick of shit like that "on the van to comeback road" wasting space on a guitar website. it pisses me off. However - this was a refreshingly light hearted and enjoyable read. It' snice to lighten up once in a while. Thanks, man.

In the van on comeback road is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Nolan Whyte is a god, and if Terry read this he would kick your ass.

[Partyboy2k05]

yeah, can't complain about nolan, he has a great writing style and did what a lot of people hadn't done before on the site. It's definately turning into an epic and I think we'll all be proud of him when he makes it.

[Anasazi_Soldier]

I prefer pepperoni and pineapple, does that mean I'm a bit of both types of pizza lovers? I love this damn thing.

[Vladimir H]

Anyone who can't see the connection between this article on pizza and playing guitar...
Is stupid.

'Nuff said.

Long live pepperoni!

[GLP_Arclite]

wooo pepperoni

B+ all the way!

I just don't know what to do here, all this talk of pizza seems like spam, but it's not!


*runs in circles*

[Lydian_Mode]

they should have included more pizza types, but good article. SOmething different for a change

[timmEH]

made me laugh

[ibanezbass27]

haha i thought it was random but still pretty cool i guess

[yawn]

That was COMPLETELY incorrect. I like Ham & Pineapple and I'm never the life of a party. My friend eats cheese-only pizza, and he loves getting credit when its due to him. I also like eating pizza with all the "works", but I'm not very peppy and optimistic. Lastly, my brother likes Pepperoni but he strives for nothing more than to play video games all his life.


YOU FAIL AT PIZZA PSYCHOANALYSIS.

[kt_guitarist]

well it's obvious that you did a tremendous lot of research which makes all of this a very relyable source or even a tool to judge my friends becouse....

whom ever gets the wrong pizza is out. period.

....thank you for the laughs kids i enjoyed it....
you should absolutely read my writings on how to read peoples brains by making them eat carrots.

[which ones pink]

Ohmerrymayhem wrote:
i'll tell you what - i'm sick of shit like that "on the van to comeback road" wasting space on a guitar website. it pisses me off.

My only reply to that is that you, sir, are a world class idiot. Anyone who does not like 'In the van on comeback road' should be banned from this site.

So far the number of people who would get banned if I had my way: 3

Oh and before I get too far off topic, this article was hilarious, even if it's not perfectly accurate.

[Vermintide]

[quote]which ones pink wrote:
Anyone who does not like 'In the van on comeback road' should be banned from this site.
[quote]

Indeed.

The good thing about this article is we all know at least one of each :p: Funny as you go through applying it to people you know. I need to ask all my friends their favourite kind of pizza tomorrow to see if it's accurate...

[\m/(--_--)\m/]

Lol wow that was random. Made me laugh pretty damn hard.

[\m/(--_--)\m/]

Oh and to whoever doesn't like 'In The Van On Comeback Road', you obviously can't read or understand literature.

[Deek_13]

Wow pepperoni describes me ptetty well!

Except from the kevin costner thing (whos he?)
and the figure skating thing (being a hockey player, i hate figure skaters!)

[yam]

hahaa that was good actualy. i like Anchovies

[CityNomad]

cool. inspiring, actually. made me grab my axe and play the pizza song right away!

[mtlca1022]

how do you get a guitar player off your porch?
pay for the pizza.
lol i work at dominos, i loved it

[_Mayday_]

Funneh.

[kj_se]

Hey. That was cool I uassly order ham and pinaple. My name is Kjersti and end wit an "i" and you describeed me like them who know me would have. HEHE

[sweet_leaf_777]

Omg, I tend to order the works and it's actually fairly accurate! I never leave home without wrap around shades!! And I would agree that I have a very flexible view of morality. A funny article, I like it.

[terrencemaddox]

Awesome.

[sTx]

Thank for the awesome feedback, dudes!

\m/

[sp0ckr0cks]

wtf? interesting...and hail the mighty meat lovers.

[SGstriker]

Im a meat lover.....worship me!!
lol, this was a great read.

[maggot4life]

mmmmm pizzaaaaa.
*goes to order some*
but wheres spicy hot?

[maggot4life]

sorry for double post...
but DAMN IM HUNGRY!!!!!
pizza for dinner no matter what!!!

[E V H 5150]

I like cheese pizza. You kind of almost nailed it.

[RHCP182]

Where's the bacon pizza??

[Prologue]

now i understand!!!

[WishiwuzSlash]

chow7 wrote:

hardcoreatheist wrote:

What about people who don't eat pizza?


Simple they aren't people

I agree, no offense people masquerading as humans. I must say though u forgot the best pizza of all.....Bacon and Pepperoni

[Smokey Amp]

I don't like pizza, thus I'm unclassifiable.

Also, this is a guitar forum, not a gourmet forum.

[CommodoreMF]

For people who like whatever kind of pizza thats put in their face....

'Good News'- Theres always Franks Red Hot Sauce or Ranch

'Bad News'-- Your probably fat!!!

[that_guitar_guy]

Lol. meat lovers all the way!!!

[TMAW]

People who order anchovies are psychotic and dangerous. Do not approach them or try to be friends with them

You are a genius

[beefyboy232]

I love all types of pizza. that must make me a retard or something. I finally feel understood.

[Metallica708]

:O ANCHOVIES ARE THE BEST!!!!

[msierragtz]

Haha I loved it! Very funny and sometimes true
This is in the junkyard so I don't see any problem in this article.

Smokey Amp wrote:

I don't like pizza, thus I'm unclassifiable.

Also, this is a guitar forum, not a gourmet forum.

Buzz-kill. :p

Junkyard is kinda meant for this kind of slightly off topic/unrelated article.

[Shock.Factor]

Smokey Amp wrote:

I don't like pizza, thus I'm unclassifiable.

Also, this is a guitar forum, not a gourmet forum.

You don't like pizza?!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU????

[Vrstone87]

None of those apply to me, I work in a specialty shop, we server Buffalo Chicken Pizza, Shrimp Scampi,ShrimpPesto, and other odd sounding pizzas.

[Devildriver666]

jesus christ thats the best article ive ever ****ing read. Well done ( im a The works ) ^^

[sTx]

*bows to all*

[Only4givenOnce]

Hey I'm new here, I joined this site cause this junk was so messed up hilarious I joined so I could reply,LOL seriously!!! Ne way, umm me I'm a peperoni,extra cheese, and mushrooms kinda guy.

but I'd rather just play my music, on the guitar or piano. I'm starting my own christian band, but going Solo til I find the right people for my band. :-D

[Only4givenOnce]

sry to double post, but how do you post up a smiley???

[not_enough]

dude...I dont' care what you say, I read the pepperoni one and was instantly terrified.....that was me completely 100%.....I drank a diet coke this morning!

[Only4givenOnce]

Gross diet coke, me I'm more of a Dr.Pepper kinda guy,LOL PPPPIIIIZZZZAAAA RRUULLEESS YEAH!!!!!

ROCKIN 4 The PIZZA!!!!!

Wow...

Checked.

[GuitarSymphony]

What if I have a pizza fetish? Does that mean I love life?

[welderkayne]

pointless as hell yet entertaining

[rockergurl09]

What the heck?!? That is the most random article I've ever read!

I like pizza with tons of sausage... *licks lips*

[winslow31]

very true

[slann101]

you legend

[masterohumans]

cool not not true i eat Pepperoni and im to lazy to strive for perfection and be original, im not funny, i hate anything diet, i wear shorts not pants, and i dont like olympic figutr skateing but you said secretly so if i sis i would not admit to it. but nice try.

[gonzaw]

Great and funny article, and what about the ones that eat
pizza with sliced egg?

[CoreysMonster]

what about the frutti di mare types????

[Nirvana-Man]

that was funny

[DrOcan]

made me hungry great article

[cartoonydude707]

this article is L337 and PWNs all N00bz

[sharlut_1234]

dud you write the best articles!!!! kudos to u!

[Raptorical]

Well I'm plain cheese or ham and pinapple, and the plain cheese was scarily accurate.

And all those people who are saying this has nothing to do with guitaring are wrong, because everyone knows that guitarists eat lots of pizza.

...

BUT WE DO!

[jd44]

Loved the Pauly shore comment XD

[Dunjma]

... i think someone owes me the last 5 min of my life back...

[SexyVeganChick]

You forgot the no-cheese-and-lotsa-veggies vegan pizza for all those compassionate and hardcore people

[Burenen]

^^yeah. right on.

[HexenBexen]

I'm a down-to-earth pleasure-seeker!