They say you can't judge a book by its cover. I say, hogwash. We size people up all the time based on the clothes they wear, the car they drive, the music they listen to. It's just that those cues aren't accurate. And so after hours spent in various pizza parlors, dorm rooms and food courts, I decided the only true and reliable way to judge people should be based on the pizza they eat.
This being an obviously huge anthropological breakthrough, my colleagues and I conducted extensive research in this regard. In fact, we recently wrote the Definitive Guide To Judging People Based On The Pizza They Eat
. A six-volume study of psychological profiling we hoped would be published in the Harvard Journal Of Pizza and Social Psychology (whose editorial offices are coincidentally located in the Harvard House of Pizza) or maybe used by the FBI to catch a serial killer or something cool like that. It was summarily rejected by both parties. We turned to the next best thing ... orkut media. The following are excerpts from that work.
Plain CheeseLoved by some. Appreciated by all.
The Good News: People who order plain cheese are solid. They're reliable. They're the backbone of their family and/or workplace. In fact, they're often called upon when no one else in the room can make a decision. And do they want credit? No, damn it, they just want to get the job done.
The Bad News: Due to their lack of imagination, people who order plain cheese have a hard time getting noticed. When they walk into a room, people often say…well, whatever they were about to say when that person walked into the room. And the last time a funny story was told about them, it ended with ... actually, you know what, there's never been a funny story told about them.
Little known fact: They enjoy reading little known facts.
Favorite Beverage: Water
Fashion item they can't live without: Khakis.
Ham and Pineapple
There's always one in the crowd.
The Good News: Fun and quirky, they're the life of the party. They take pride in being different. They've recently been described as "cute". In fact, their name probably ends with "i." People either love them or hate them and you know what? They're okay with that.
The Bad News: Let's just say, people who like Ham and Pineapple are not for everyone. Even those that like them say their personality wears thin after a while. Their laugh has been described as infectious. Well, that and annoying. Sometimes when they're described to people who don't know them, they make a scrunched up face and say "ewww."
Little known fact: They sing in front of the mirror.
Favorite Beverage: Appletini.
Fashion item they can't live without: Ankle tattoo.
They want it all.
The Good News: People who order the works look to get the most out of life, always searching for that edge. Never satisfied, they look for new and different ways to get their kicks. Go-getters and optimists, to them the glass is always half full. And if it's not, they snap their fingers at the nearest waitress and make it so.
The Bad News: During their all-consuming quest for more, they often disregard things like "ethics," "people's feelings" and "federal laws." To put it kindly, their morals are as flexible as a rubber hose. Pizza alone won't fill that dark, empty feeling they have deep inside them.
Little known fact: If they were in traffic right now, they'd be trying to merge.
Favorite Beverage: Venti Triple Shot Caramel Machiatto.
Fashion item they can't live without: Wrap-around shades.
Sausage And Onion
Not afraid of an honest day's work.
The Good News: Sausage and Onion people are regular, down to earth folk. Well-liked by all except for maybe a few of those damn hippie-type vegetarians. They've been slapped on the back many-a-time. And they probably have a one-syllable nickname like, Bud or Suze or Joe.
The Bad News: Not everyone feels comfortable around them. Some people don't quite "get" them. Sausage and Onion people often laugh at their own jokes. Usually before they tell them. And let's be honest, they've belched inappropriately more than a few times. They also look back fondly on their mullet days.
Little known fact: Something they're wearing right now has a hole in it.
Favorite Beverage: A Cold Brewski.
Fashion item they can't live without: Wallet chain.
I'll have what he's having.
The Good News: Congratulations to Pepperoni Lovers. They are all slightly above average. Thanks to them, gears turn. Wheels spin. Papers get pushed. They've managed to carve their niche amongst the B+'s of the population. We applaud their efforts to rise above. No matter how slightly.
The Bad News: Like most people they want to try something new and different, they just can't think of what. They often strive for the best and achieve…well, mixed results. In other words, they are the Kevin Costners of society. Who they happen to be a big fan of. They're also good at telling funny stories. About stuff that happens to other people.
Little known fact: They secretly enjoy Olympic figure skating.
Favorite Beverage: Diet Coke.
Fashion item you can't live without: Loose-Fit Jeans
I don't know when to stop.
The Good News: A pleasure-seeker, they get enjoyment from all that life offers. Especially if it involves meat. They're friendly and gregarious and constantly on the hunt for things that make them happy. Especially meat-related. They've also used the word party as a verb sometime within the past two years.
The Bad News: Taking pleasure in what life offers? Good. Overindulging to the point that women and small children must avert their eyes? Not good. Their precarious hold on will power means there will probably be an intervention and/or a series of heart attacks somewhere in their future.
Little known fact: They can name three of the ingredients in Jaegermeister.
Favorite Beverage: Cuervo Gold
Fashion item they can't live with out: Extra napkins
The Good News: An individual to the core, they march to their own drummer. Dance to their own tune. They've recently paid too much for a vintage t-shirt. And they do things that other people find eccentric. Sometimes because that's who they are, but mostly just to annoy us.
The Bad News: Yes, they're a misunderstood genius. Unfortunately it's in the Pauly Shore kind of way, not the Van Gogh-Einstein kind of way. This will certainly hinder their future plans to hog the limelight. But there's always hope. Their application to be on reality TV has been accepted.
Little known fact: They're not wearing any underwear.
Favorite Beverage: Chai
Fashion item they can't live without: Back pack.
People who order anchovies are psychotic and dangerous. Do not approach them or try to be friends with them.
I would like apologize to any and all pizza-eaters. He acknowledges that the profiles contained therein are grossly inaccurate and woefully under-researched. He also acknowledges that a profile of an individual cannot and should not be deduced from the type of pizza he or she may enjoy. Ice cream is clearly a more accurate and fruitful litmus.