The Holy Trinity Of Playing Live In A Band
If you read our previous article: How To Improve Your Guitar Playing, you will understand that this is the most serious of articles. In this we intend to furnish you with the details necessary to become a famous, successful and recognised band, irrespective of musical quality.
Firstly you will require an outfit, anything extravagant will do but try not think outside the box, Zoot suits are officially cool in rock and roll, make sure all the band members match, don't let anyone in your band (especially the singer) give themselves identity, you should look both extravagant, outrageous yet boring and forgettable, it creates the perfect look for your band. You should always remember that image always comes first and is much more important than the actual music.
Remember noise is key, if everyone is having a peaceful time enjoying tunes with a pint, it's definitely time to throw up the dials. They may look like they are enjoying it but they really want their ear drums pierced with a really long, repetitive face melting solo, in fact the guitarist should be louder than every other instrument, even the singer and drums, it's the only proper instrument, though most modern players don't know the top from bottom, much like many on UG (with the exception of world renowned guitarist James Ray). Having said this if you are at a gig (like The Beatles, terrible band) and people are screaming, turn the noise down, you want people to know how much your music is loved by amplifying the noise of your fans, fuelling your ego like this is a very good idea, you should get the confidence to know that no matter what you do onstage people will respect you because of your skill. If you succumb to a minor injury, fans will respect you more if you call off the gig. By showing them that your own personal comfort is more important to you than the wellbeing and happiness of fans, you demonstrate that you are boss, and your fans don't know anything about the band or their true music direction.
Ensure that you have a variety of sounds in your arsenal, but they should all be fuzz, around 20-30 pedals will do the trick. By using a great deal of fuzz, you help to define a clearer sound, and gain precision when playing chords. If you don't own a fuzz pedal, simply damage a normal distortion pedal. Both impact damage and water damage vastly improve the sound of any effect pedal, also electrical malfunction can be killer, people will return for your mediocre 70's pop sound. This will also give you a 'hardcore' reputation. You should always try to hide use of effects though, because a 'one man and his guitar' approach creates a more popular, mainstream image (always fit in, nothing too original). You should take a similar approach to usage of other, less mainstream instruments. ALWAYS hide these instruments off stage, or even better use playback for those instruments. You can, of course, just completely remove extra instruments from the song. Irritating pop classics like "Bohemian Rhapsody", sound just the same without the overdubbing and opera, that was just Freddie Mercury massaging his ego.
Continuing with this technique, if you are ever tired or perhaps suffer from stage fright, just mime to the complete playback of your own songs. Don't bother rehearsing with the playback, you know best about anything to do with music. Simply parade around the stage, take all the limelight, and pretend to sing when you feel like it. You should also replace any other band members' solos with original dancing or vocal exercises, even if you play in a speed metal band (although that genre is pretty terrible).
Thanks for listening! In case you somehow didn't realise this article is a spoof/joke/p-ss-take. Written jointly by Jake (Floyd Forever) and James (james183).