The Ultimate Metal Guide

author: JD Close date: 03/28/2011 category: junkyard
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Hello shredders of UG, this article is about metal. Now, history is for pussies, so lets get straight to the chainsaw riffs and blast beats like real men, shall we? In this article, I will explain the basics and advanced techniques needed to become a heavy metal legend. Not music wise, but regarding image, playing live, and lifestyle. If music has taught us anything, it's that musicians go nowhere, its all about marketing. If you are new to "musicianship" or metal, or you just need to touch up on the basics of being metal, here are some things you need to know. 1. You suck, but don't say it. Music today is garbage, people won't know if you're good or not, but say you are. Then get laid. 2. Play with other people. Being on stage with other people is way less stressful than being alone. Think of them as human shields. 3. Learn all different styles of music. Steal mercilessly from songs outside your genre. Ever notice how Hannah Montana sounds surprisingly like Necrophagist? Coincidence? 4. Take requests. Don't act stupid if you are in the middle of a Cannibal Corpse song and somebody shouts out "Conway Twitty!". Play that shit. Make them sorry. 5. Get the crowd pumped. Motorboat a girl in the front. Pee into the mosh pit. Throw equipment and band mates into the crowd. If possible, bring large reptiles to be released into the audience during the second set. Think of the audience's scars as free publicity. 6. Get sloshed. Become increasingly drunk as the show progresses, to the point it alarms people. Nothing says "My metal is great!" like lying down in the middle of a highway. 7. Look cool. Wear black, leather, chains, possibly face paint, but never masks. Use instruments that look like torture devices. If you can, get a dog to be vocalist. Or the cookie monster. I hear he's pretty big in the world of metal... 8. Be a dick to the vocalist. Castrate and mutilate him him publicly and as often as possible (figuratively... maybe.). Don't feel bad about it, he's not playing an instrument, he probably doesn't even have a job. He's just there in hopes that he'll make it big and his parents will get off his back about him not going to college or marrying that girl down the street. 9. Keep the bassist informed. Make sure he knows A.) You turn him down in the mix B.) You can do his job better than him C.) Without his E string he's useless D.) He's never going to get any of the groupies E.) He's probably an alcoholic, maybe related to his sexual frustration and confusion F.) Even with the E string he's useless 10. Stand in front of the drummer. Nobody wants to see that ugly bastard. 11. Play loud. You want people to cum, shit, and die all at the same time, and your volume should represent that. This way only true metalheads will stay for the show. It's called "Pussy Filtering". 12. Outshine the other guitarist. Play harder riffs, more solos, and jump around more than the other douchebag. Maybe scissor kick him in the face during a solo, unplug his amp, or smash his guitar at the end of the show. Domination is the key element. 13. Advertise. Put up flyers, yell it from the rooftops, write your band information on drunk friends with a sharpie, brand it on somebody's face, do what ever you can to get people to your shows. You suck so hard they won't come to the next one, that's why you need new people to come every show. It's called "Metal Recycling" Stupid Ass Questions As a musician in general, random people will ask you really dumb questions. Here I will be listing the best possible answers to those stupid-ass-mediocre questions you are bound to be asked as a musician of any genre. You may use this for future reference, enjoyment, or develop a religion around it. *NOTE* All of these answers can be substituted for yelling "METAAHL!" and punching someone in the face Q. Why did you choose metal? A. Because I am insecure about my masculinity and projecting a testosterone powered persona is helpful to my mental state. It is only when I am asked questions as such when my shell begins to crack and I lose all faith in humanity. Generating such feelings seems awfully close to a hate crime, and I must warn you that further discussion on that topic will force me to file a police report against you. Q. Why do you have such long hair? A. If my hair was short, then the group viewed as extreme and unordinary would be emos, commonly known as fags. So as not to lose the good name of metal, I must grow my hair long and push farther than they will allow themselves to go. Emos are bipolar in that they want to be cool, but not outcast from society because deep down they are shallow as the ones they claim different from, and being outcasted will cause them to feel devoid of meaning and eventually lead to their downfall. Cutting my hair would cause emo to outlast metal, rather than staying away from scissors and allowing emos to burn themselves out, giving a boost to the true metal community's morale. Q. Do you like X band? A. Yes, but only the early stuff. Now it's all digital. What? They've been dead for 30 years? That's a good start. Q. What the hell are those lyrics about? A. We play 17 songs about killing and 10 about torture, 3 about rape and 1 about John Candy. They're spread out over 3 albums that all have a Captain Kirk title. 1) Kreate. Kill. Kleanse. 2) Find. Rape. Doxycycline. 3) Drink. Puke. Awesome. We also have a live album called "Vaginal Puss Expulsion Into The Larynx". Q. Who do you think your target market is? A. We're a big hit in elevators, and music for a baby's crib. We actually just sold our demo tape of the next album to be made into a white noise machine. Q. I heard you were in Music News recently. Can you share on that? A. Yes actually, well the other guitarist just robbed a bank and killed 6 people. The audio tapes are all on the next record. This would have been a major boost to our popularity, but unfortunately it was overshadowed by Micheal Angelo Batio's "third arm scandal". Q. You're pretty popular among musicians. Can you expand on why? A. Well, I play in a style that wasn't present before me. This has got me some pretty neat accomplishments over the years. 1.) I am allowed in Paul Gilbert's yard 2.) I was the original "Puppet Master" and I'm currently suing King Diamond and Metallica for the rights 3.) When listening to me shred, Rusty Cooley walked out, saying it was too fast 4.) Kerry King thinks I'm evil 5.) Meshuggah said in an interview that I tuned to "Drop Gay" 6.) A drummer for Spinal Tap jumped out a window when he saw my amp goes to 12 7.) I was born with 6 fingers, but I played too fast and now one of them is in another dimension... Band Members The average band has 5 members (usually 2 Guitars, Bass, Drums, Vocalist). Much like boy bands, every member must have their own persona in order to prevent chaos, no matter how metal chaos is. This is key to achieving metal fame. Listed below are the most common personae taken on by metal musicians. 1. The Leader - This member keeps everybody in line with an iron fist. Tips to being the leader are: A. Know how to keep control. Tell them, yell at them, punch them. No matter what, you are right B. Handle anything involving press, the other members will manage to ruin it, so it's up to you C. Let the other members know they are dead weight, and don't feel sorry 2. The Asshole - This is the member that nobody likes, with reason, but somehow manages to stay in the band. Should you find yourself fitting in this category, here are some tips: A. Try to steal girlfriends from the other members B. Be disrespectful to everyone, no matter what age, gender, race or religion C. Have a god complex. Usually the asshole thinks he is the Leader, but is far from it 3. The Showoff - This member performs to the best of their ability all the time, and is in an all out war with anybody who is thought of as "better". Guidelines for this role are: A. Play loud with the biggest and best equipment B. Develop a reputation as a ladies man C. Drink just enough to look cool 4. The Punching Bag - This member lets the others walk all over him, but almost always has a dark side. Try to: A. Not be involved in the writing process B. Turn down at key parts in the song C. Have all ideas turned down by the rest of the band 5. The Party Guy - The member that is known to be the most wild at everything, much like the Showoff, he feels his reputation as the craziest is always at jeopardy. Party Guys are known to: A. Spend 40%-60% of time off stage passed out, 10%-20% of time on stage passed out B. Attempt to add vomit to their act C. Transform all household items and appliances into drug paraphernalia Stage Moves The best bands all have little acts they put on to help entertain the audience. Here are some you should try. 1. The Headbang - The most basic of all stage moves. Move your head up and down. Once you are more advanced, add in your back to the motion, this also helps to prevent neck strain. Do this 90% of the time you aren't doing anything hard (background vocals, solo). 2. The Headspin - Some times known as the windmill, you move your head in circles and your hair follows the motion. This is a fun one, but don't over do it or you will get dizzy and fall off the stage. If you have short hair you are unable to the this move, and you're most likely the Asshole of the band. 3. The Stomp - Just stomp. What are you, retarded? 4. Corna - A lot of douchebags call it "Metal Horns". The biblical name for it is Corna and it was invented by religious dildos hundreds of years ago. Ronnie James Dio brought it into metal when he saw his grandmother do it as a child. To execute this: Make a fist, raise your index finger, raise your pinky finger, metal. It is optional to extend your thumb. Should look like this: \m/. Just a note, this can be done while performing a power chord. 5. Anything involving fire. As an audience member, any of the above moves can be performed, as well as a technique called moshing. Moshing is when you slam into an audience member in your proximity with your shoulders into theirs. Band Names Band Names are important because that is what people are going to remember about your band (you hope). Here are some tried and true methods of naming a band 1. Religious Slam - Religious Beliefs in the form of a band name. Examples - God Feces, Praying To A Brick Wall 2. Political Slam - Political Status in the form of a band name. Examples - Legalize, Senate Prostitution 3. Shock Factor - An uncommon thing, named after something gory and often sexual. Examples - Severed Limb Masturbation, Blood Orgy 4. Random Cool Word - Go to a thesaurus, look up "kill" or "dead". Examples - Defunct, Nullify Now you have learned the methods needed to become Metal Gods. Glad I could help, good luck, and good metal \m/
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