Derigiberble's biography on Jimmy Page


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LedZepiberble
05-15-2009, 02:08 AM
After Stalin's death, Russian Scientists pursued many efforts to resurrect their infamous leader, finally they decided to clone a new leader from fragments of his DNA. Due to copyright laws, portions of his clone originated in the cells of Genghis Khan. Several wars have been waged over this controversy. Most of them were in Peter Grant's basement.

When the Reds decided that they no longer needed a semi-copy of Stalin to become the world's leading superpower, they sent the newborn Page to Scotland to be raised by Ashenaski Jews. Not aware of his origins, talent, or health problems, Page's adoptive parents would often lock him in a closet for 20+ hours an day. It was at the age of 3 that he began to play guitar, when he created one by fashioning a neck out of a broom stick, body from a dictionary and strings from different gauges of electrical wire found inside his closet home.

Jimmy suffered from many health problems, severe and minor, such as whooping cough, cholera, death, premature birth, fratricide, infanticide, suicide, genocide, fleas (during solo work), typhoid and eczema. To make matters (and social problems) worse for the young boy, he could hardly see. Jimmy was so frightened of the ophthalmologist's office that his parents could not bring him within 500 meters of the pediatrician's, which caused even more problems as his school was located exactly 499 meters distant from the building. Jimmy took his discomfort out (violently) on kindergarten girls. He was well-read and practiced in the Kama-Sutra by age 12.

During his teen age years, Jimmy Page shat himself and also enjoyed performing Satanic rituals, such as burning a dove whilst drinking blood from a cow that had been immobile in salt for 666 days and 666 nights. Such a conjuration, Jimmy assures us, should be undertaken whilst talking to close friends - backwards. Frequent practicing of these rituals has made Page an avid summoner of demons. He claims he has 10 to 12 "major badasses" on speed dial in case of emergency.

Jimmy Page founded Led Zeppelin upon meeting human/fern hybrid Robert Plant and ill-fated original bassist John Paul Jones.At the time Page was playing with his somewhat successful band, "The Yardbirds", but dissolved the rockabilly/gospel trio when lead singer Steve Smith tragically died choking on a Furby.

Page found Plant buried in a flowerbed in his backyard while doing some gardening, and he had already begun to germinate when the two began discussing music. He hired Plant(who was starting to bud again) to be his lead singer/chef, and later Plant's close friend, John Bonham, to drum and keep Plant well watered. Led Zeppelin achieved mainstream success relatively quickly and Jimmy rested comfortably on his laurels (and in his sprawling mansion, formerly owned by such notorious figures as Aleister Crowley and Satan).

Page's career with Led Zeppelin came to a screeching halt in 1980 when John Bonham, at his home in Industrial New Jersey, plummeted from a third story window onto the pavement below. Bonham was not killed, but both of his wrists were broken in the accident and his doctor (who was also his wife) forbade him to ever drum again. Without his star drummer, Page knew that the Led Zeppelin would actually fly, and the band unanimously dissolved.

After Led Zeppelin disbanded, he went on to an extremely successful career as gangster rapper and a member of G Unit.

Page reportedly loves shaved koalas, but is averse to any physical contact with them. He has few distinct hobbies, such as walking, eating, collecting green M&Ms, eating orange peels, moonwalking in church, beating on the church priest, beating on the Virgin Mary statue at the entrance of his church, baking Satan cookies, baking Aleister Crowley cookies, baking Kevin cookies, becoming a heroin addict because he wanted to become spiritually closer to Aleister Crowley, and stealing the boxes of "charity" at the fast food restaurant counters. Page's father owns 7 black slaves, 2 Puerto Rican slaves, Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker.

He has two children, Steve Martin, that guy from Wolfmother and Mr Pringle

job well done derig :golfclap: