Unfinished song. Comments?


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TonyIommi2557
07-05-2009, 04:18 AM
I'm probably going to lengthen some parts, since I feel like some go by too quick, but I think for the most part, the riffs are pretty much done. I might edit the structure and change more later, but I think this is a pretty rough copy. Any critiquing is appreciated!

littleguitar
07-05-2009, 06:31 AM
You really need to add some more instruments. And separate the guitar tracks when they play the same stuff, otherwise they will kill your ears if you're wearing headphones like I do. Otherwise, the intro riff is good, though repetetive and the riff at 17 comes to suddenly to sound good. It is such a change from playing the six note pattern to playing solely one chord per bar. The repetetiveness continues when you use the same riff again. The 140 bpm riff is ok, but still, you need to cut it down or add something interesting to it. The guitar solo however (which I suppose it is) is probably the best part of the entire song. Very classic rocky and neat.

5/10 (sorry if being to harsh :P)
C4C? = http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1156351

TonyIommi2557
07-05-2009, 01:14 PM
You really need to add some more instruments. And separate the guitar tracks when they play the same stuff, otherwise they will kill your ears if you're wearing headphones like I do. Otherwise, the intro riff is good, though repetetive and the riff at 17 comes to suddenly to sound good. It is such a change from playing the six note pattern to playing solely one chord per bar. The repetetiveness continues when you use the same riff again. The 140 bpm riff is ok, but still, you need to cut it down or add something interesting to it. The guitar solo however (which I suppose it is) is probably the best part of the entire song. Very classic rocky and neat.

5/10 (sorry if being to harsh :P)
C4C? = http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1156351

Nah dude, I highly appreciate the honesty. Anything that will help me improve is always welcome! As I said, I'm probably gonna fix it up, and I'll probably add something small before measure 17 in order to make the transition more smooth. The part with the solo, I thought of it more than a melody, and I plan for that section to be a chorus, and I'll probably repeat it once more again the song. Hell, I may forsake the whole melody, and just have the chords playing and vocals over it.

icronic
07-05-2009, 02:06 PM
Drums and bass would go a REALLY long way here.

I liked the opening riff. It just feels like a good intro part. It does go on a little too long though. I think you might consider building it into a riff of some kind once you hit bar 20.

The fill at 26 is nice, although it might be more interesting if you add a quick 16th note hammer/pull off in there.

29-32 Those big chords kind of break the feel of the song, but that's probably because of the lack of drums/bass you could also try having one guitar play the chords, while the other plays a riff or melody.

Transition to 42 is kinda awkward, but I do like the part. Make use of the pan feature for your two guitars though, it will always sound better if you separate the sounds a bit.

The transition into the solo doesn't quite work (again drums and bass might correct this) and leaving it hanging on the C# is uncomfortable. The solo itself was really good. There are quite a few "outside" note in it that give it a really unique sound, although there are a couple C#s in there that really stand out in a bad way. Leaving it hanging on the G# had a really cool transitional feel, but you left it hanging for a little too long, so it kinda went from transitional to uncomfortable.

A couple things about the solo. As I've said before, you've got a really good ear for melody, and quite good phasing, but you're still missing a lot of those little inflections that can make a solo really powerful, no slides, no grace notes, next to no bends, no legato, and these are all things you can easily add, with very little alteration to the melody or structure.

Bringing back the previous riffs is a good idea, but they definitely need to be changed up a little bit to keep peoples interest in the song, especially the intro riff. A good melody would go a long LONG way though.

It's a good start though, add some drums and bass, fix the transitions up a little bit, add some melodies and you could have something damned good on your hands.

TonyIommi2557
07-05-2009, 04:15 PM
I've been thinking. I just made this, but do any of you think this would be good to add as an intro to that song?

icronic
07-05-2009, 04:57 PM
I've been thinking. I just made this, but do any of you think this would be good to add as an intro to that song?

That's very cool. I'm not sure if it'd work as an intro for this song, but you should definitely use it for something. Although, change those bends to something more pleasant. :) I'd drop them down a whole tone so you're going from D to E instead of E to F#

Aaaaanyway, I've fooled around a bit with your song, and I've come up with a few rough ideas. Very rough, but hopefully it'll still give you some ideas. I'm not entirely happy with the Riff example I gave, for some reason it sounds good on my guitar, but GP just doesn't make it sound that great.

I also messed with the solo a bit, I tried to keep it almost identical to what you had, except I added some slides and bends into notes, instead of just playing them.

I might fool around with it a little later to see if I can make those riffs a little better, and see if there's anything I can do with the transitions (tempo changes are always a pain to work with though).

Edit: Also bars 29 and 30 come at the wrong time. I can't tell if there a couple bars too early or a couple bars too late, but either way they're in the wrong place, but it could have just been because I started the riffs in a weird place.

TonyIommi2557
07-05-2009, 05:26 PM
That's very cool. I'm not sure if it'd work as an intro for this song, but you should definitely use it for something. Although, change those bends to something more pleasant. :) I'd drop them down a whole tone so you're going from D to E instead of E to F#

Aaaaanyway, I've fooled around a bit with your song, and I've come up with a few rough ideas. Very rough, but hopefully it'll still give you some ideas. I'm not entirely happy with the Riff example I gave, for some reason it sounds good on my guitar, but GP just doesn't make it sound that great.

I also messed with the solo a bit, I tried to keep it almost identical to what you had, except I added some slides and bends into notes, instead of just playing them.

I might fool around with it a little later to see if I can make those riffs a little better, and see if there's anything I can do with the transitions (tempo changes are always a pain to work with though).

Edit: Also bars 29 and 30 come at the wrong time. I can't tell if there a couple bars too early or a couple bars too late, but either way they're in the wrong place, but it could have just been because I started the riffs in a weird place.

Some of this is really awesome! I think in the end, I'm gonna scrape this, take most of the ideas, and mess around with it a bit. This rif***e is rather awesome! Thanks for the ideas, man!

littleguitar
07-05-2009, 07:09 PM
Just added the drum fill part in the reworked version :).

LesPaulluapseL
07-05-2009, 07:26 PM
If I were to give advice to this piece as a whole rather then taking it piece for piece I would find it difficult.


1st Break-
Very basic, I would find another chord progression or even add a suspension and release.

2nd break
I liked the riff but that is all it remained. A riff

3rd Break-End
I could say that you have many Ideas but do not know how to put them together. For what it seems is that you got one idea and forced ideas together to make a piece. Save these riffs. They will come together. Every song takes time, every idea must mature. Like in the life of animals, Only the mature will last and bring greater fruits.

Goodluck,

TonyIommi2557
07-06-2009, 12:18 AM
If I were to give advice to this piece as a whole rather then taking it piece for piece I would find it difficult.


1st Break-
Very basic, I would find another chord progression or even add a suspension and release.

2nd break
I liked the riff but that is all it remained. A riff

3rd Break-End
I could say that you have many Ideas but do not know how to put them together. For what it seems is that you got one idea and forced ideas together to make a piece. Save these riffs. They will come together. Every song takes time, every idea must mature. Like in the life of animals, Only the mature will last and bring greater fruits.

Goodluck,

Highly appreciate the advice, sir. It does seem like that, and was what I have been thinking for the last couple hours. Or minutes. Or couple seconds.

I guess I can safely say I shall scrape this, but it shall not be forgotten!