Schemeatic Tumor verse (Thrash/Post-Hardcore) .GP4 &5


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huevos
10-29-2009, 07:34 PM
The 1st part (measures 5-11) are what I'm considering using as a pre-verse, the second part as the verse (kinda obvious, since it's notated as such).

I'm somewhat mixed on what approach to take. There's a soft melodic intro (22 bars) before this, and about 183 more about after the Main Verse section.

I have 4 options.
(A) Make the 1st verse the Main Verse and do away with the rest of it.
(B) Keep the Main Verse as is, and do away with the rest.
(C) Extend both sections.
(D) Rewrite both and make something more troo!

Poll coming.

mtgold83
10-29-2009, 07:47 PM
no tab?

huevos
10-30-2009, 03:21 AM
There. I was getting ready for work when I posted this. I was a bit in a rush.
I forgot to add that I'll do C4C; leave me a link. Just give me a couple sentences of feedback and I'll do an extensive crit of your song.

SOADisdabest
10-30-2009, 09:01 AM
I actually really enjoyed that, I can't really think of a way to describe it, it's such a different type of post-hardcore, but it's great. And I may be mistaken but I think I can hear some At The Drive-In influence, which is always a good thing. I think it would be awesome if you extended both sections and maybe write a vocal melody for it. Only thing I thought let it down slightly was that the drums sounded bare at times, but then again I listen to a lot of Math Rock which has ridiculous drumming, haha. Would you mind if I added my own drum track to it? I might not be able to find the time, but if it's all good with you I wouldn't mind giving it shot. Also if you could take a look at my song 'Hash Ammo To Jon!' that would be cool. No need for a huge in depth crit though, since most of this crit is just my stoned ramblings.

huevos
10-31-2009, 06:24 AM
Math rock approach? Interesting. At the Drive-In is always in my writing repertoire, although that wasn't the idea with this song. I've re-written the entire damn thing like 5 times. When you say that the drumming is sparse and you see an ATD-I influence, that shit trooly oozes from my subconscious.

Funny though, I wanted a re-working of the drum parts in my other song (Noctural Logic, which I will release for public viewing).
Go ahead. That actually makes sense though. I love me some math rock, but I'm trying to write drum parts that regular human beings can play.

On an unrelated note, the saxophonist chick in Sigh is ****ing hot. And she has a Ph.D in physics. I think I may have found my future wife.
Dr. Mikannibal is her name. Google, nao.

DragTheWaters11
10-31-2009, 03:13 PM
You have no clue how much of a relief this is to critique. It gets hard to critique technical death metal and the likes all the time.

Anywho, It was pretty good. Everything flowed really well and I have no complaints in that department. The intro (or pre-verse, whatevery you want to call it) was pretty interesting... I liked it though. Doesn't fit well enough into the song. It just seems a little too... daisy flower like, if you get what I mean.. lol. It sounds all jolly and hunky dory and such. I'd say definitely go with option A, but don't complete scrap the rest... Keep it for use in another song. Except for the part of the main verse up until bar 26. Maybe if you fix that up then you could keep the main verse and 1st verse in there together.

pmeg568c
11-02-2009, 05:40 PM
this is wicked cool man. I really like the main verse part, and the feel of the whole thing. i have some ideas for you.

In the rhythm guitar in the first part. I like the dissonances the chords make over the melody but i think you could make those work better and it would sound better, at least to clueless listeners. Or you could change the lead part. either way. actually, listening to it again you would be better off changing the lead.

also in bars 13 and 14, i like the first few chords, i use those a lot ha. but one thing i've noticed is when you voice lead from a consonant chord like that into a power chords it feels weird. you should find another chord besides a power chord to finish those measures and i think it would be more powerful.

E) keep the main verse and rewrite the first part.

huevos
11-04-2009, 04:10 AM
this is wicked cool man. I really like the main verse part, and the feel of the whole thing. i have some ideas for you.

In the rhythm guitar in the first part. I like the dissonances the chords make over the melody but i think you could make those work better and it would sound better, at least to clueless listeners. Or you could change the lead part. either way. actually, listening to it again you would be better off changing the lead.

also in bars 13 and 14, i like the first few chords, i use those a lot ha. but one thing i've noticed is when you voice lead from a consonant chord like that into a power chords it feels weird. you should find another chord besides a power chord to finish those measures and i think it would be more powerful.

E) keep the main verse and rewrite the first part.


I was gunna bold certain sections of your post, but everything is sound advice. Brilliant actually.
I changed the leads in the main verse and slightly altered the chord progression, but I feel that it needs to be minimized a bit.
As for the first 4 bars, I do see what you mean. They clash too much and loss coherence.

For bars 13/14, I actually have a chord (G#7th omit 3rd is the technical name [I had to google it because I'm terrible at naming strange chords]) that I could use for end the measures for a more "fluid" transition.

You'll be receiving a friend request shortly.

EDIT:
Ok, now that you've helped me immensely with my solo song, what am I supposed to with this?

(I know without context it's difficult to judge, but it happens to be the conclusion of my song. Just roll with it.)

pmeg568c
11-04-2009, 02:02 PM
haha to be honest man I can't really find too i would change about this solo part. You might benefit from adding another voice to those chords, and the chord in bar 7 and so one could possibly be re-voiced. I think it works but there are lots of things that i think would work better.

I dunno if you like how these sound but i was messing around and came up with this to make the chords more dense


--------------------------
---3---7---5---8---7---
---4---7---4---9---6---
---2---5---4---7---6---
---3---7---5---10---5---
-----------------------------


i really like the solo so if those chords dont work over it then forget it haha.

huevos
11-04-2009, 05:24 PM
Last 3 chords are far too dissonant. The 3rd I could use (with variation), but the last 2 don't fit at all. But your ideas have greatly enhanced my solo.
If you have any pieces that you want to crit, let me know.

pmeg568c
11-04-2009, 05:36 PM
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1214267

i have that one that didn't get much. its a WIP and i posted the new version of the end in my profile "end of new song"