song i wrote the other day


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Run4TheShadows
01-08-2010, 09:46 PM
i wrote this song the other day, i was really inspired to write it after reading about a local suburbanite-turned-rapper. anyway here it is, feedback would be welcome




"Blasting your 2000's rap at home and you believe you're a real G
Wearing your trendy surf-boy clothes, watching a plasma screen TV
You're always forcing slang to prop up your thugster reputation
But the only time you've broke the law was for noise violation

well you never been shot
never been stabbed
never forced to pawn nor steal
never sold crack when it's 10 below to pay for your next warm meal
Playing golf all day, driving Daddy's Benz, got some college girl to screw
the ghetto life that you love so much has got no love for you

cause at the end of the day...

you're a bro mother****er
just a bro mother****er
you're a bro mother****er
just a bro mother****er

you say my life is fraught with jealousy and shame
you say my mind's too anemic to play in the creative game
but if a victory means being a poser just like you
i'd rather take my chances finding something else to do

well you think you're a pimp
in your suburbanite jungle
neighbors say ain't that boy nice
you've got tolerance for keystone light but you still can't hold your spice
you might be a child prodigy, and your mind might have no limits
but in the ghetto that you patronize you wouldn't last 5 minutes

cause at the end of the day...

you're a bro mother****er
just a bro mother****er
you're a bro mother****er
just a bro mother****er"


That's all. It's a bit angry but a lot of punk is.

werty22
01-08-2010, 10:04 PM
Wow I only read one line and I can tell you're really punk.

SKAtastic7770
01-08-2010, 10:19 PM
Wow I only read one line and I can tell you're really punk.
I actually liked it a little bit. I thought it was kind of funny and relatable, but almost intolerably obnoxious and pretentious. Anyway wrong forum, but then again the songwriting forum sucks. No one ever replies to any threads there.

Run4TheShadows
01-08-2010, 11:16 PM
Wow I only read one line and I can tell you're really punk.

I like a lot of punk rock, but that's not what you mean. :finger: You could at least tell me what makes it bad. I know there's no magic formula for punk rock, but there are such things as good writing techniques.

I actually liked it a little bit. I thought it was kind of funny and relatable, but almost intolerably obnoxious and pretentious.

Obnoxious I guess, but that was the point. I was going for satire / making this seem as rediculous as possible, no subtlety. Pretentious though, I don't see that. I don't believe you can think you are the next Ice Cube when the only things you have in common are lots of money (more like the illusion of money), the ability to construct rhymes, the need to state how heterosexual you are, and a passion for weed. Either way thanks for the input skatastic, i didn't expect to write anything good right away.

charliezard!
01-09-2010, 12:31 AM
You're not bad at coming up with rhymes and making lyrics fit well, and you don't sound like you're trying too hard so that's good.

I'd stay away from lines like this though

"Blasting your 2000's rap at home and you believe you're a real G
"You're always forcing slang to prop up your thugster reputation"
"being a poser just like you"
"well you think you're a pimp"
and the whole second stanza.

because they made me kinda cringe.

In fact, I'd entirely stay away from insulting "posers,'" "G's," or rap, regardless of what time period it's from. Waaay too overdone, and it will make you sound like a 13 year old who listens to too much Led Zeppelin and who hates black people and music without guitars.

lolmnt
01-09-2010, 12:36 AM
This is really good. Like really. You're the Ginsberg of our generation.

neidnarb11890
01-09-2010, 01:12 AM
This is really good. Like really. You're the Ginsberg of our generation.
Sounds about right.

werty22
01-09-2010, 01:46 AM
I like a lot of punk rock, but that's not what you mean. :finger: You could at least tell me what makes it bad. I know there's no magic formula for punk rock, but there are such things as good writing techniques.



Obnoxious I guess, but that was the point. I was going for satire / making this seem as rediculous as possible, no subtlety. Pretentious though, I don't see that. I don't believe you can think you are the next Ice Cube when the only things you have in common are lots of money (more like the illusion of money), the ability to construct rhymes, the need to state how heterosexual you are, and a passion for weed. Either way thanks for the input skatastic, i didn't expect to write anything good right away.
:haha: I didn't mean anything by it. Just posting for the sake of it 'cuz I thought this thread was gonna get closed for being in the wrong forum.

I agree with charliezard though.

LicenseToPunk
01-09-2010, 03:39 PM
Bro this is fantastic, when you make this into a song you have to give me the mp3 this is really seriously insane, i feel just like this i hate those "G's" that are like this wow dude just wow this is very very very really super dooper good

Run4TheShadows
01-09-2010, 04:33 PM
Bro this is fantastic, when you make this into a song you have to give me the mp3 this is really seriously insane, i feel just like this i hate those "G's" that are like this wow dude just wow this is very very very really super dooper good

i'm glad you took time away from gobbling element's nuts to give such insightful advice.

You're not bad at coming up with rhymes and making lyrics fit well, and you don't sound like you're trying too hard so that's good.

I'd stay away from lines like this though

"Blasting your 2000's rap at home and you believe you're a real G
"You're always forcing slang to prop up your thugster reputation"
"being a poser just like you"
"well you think you're a pimp"
and the whole second stanza.

because they made me kinda cringe.

In fact, I'd entirely stay away from insulting "posers,'" "G's," or rap, regardless of what time period it's from. Waaay too overdone, and it will make you sound like a 13 year old who listens to too much Led Zeppelin and who hates black people and music without guitars.

I didn't like those lines either, I didn't feel they were strong enough or descriptive to convey anything to make it worthwhile. Hence me asking people who listen to punk (and might be interested in writing) for advice.

For the record though, I enjoy Led Zeppelin, have no problem with black people or any nationality, I like some music that doesn't have guitars (like Air) and hate some that does (most "indie" except Arctic Monkeys).

nashawa
01-09-2010, 05:19 PM
Arctic Monkeys aren't really "indie", but...

I guess that's not the point...

lookpizza
01-09-2010, 07:41 PM
i'm glad you took time away from gobbling element's nuts to give such insightful advice.



You should put this in your song somehow.. it'd fit in well.

BrianApocalypse
01-09-2010, 07:50 PM
^ Yeah, you should rewrite the song, call it 'Nutgobblers', and make the music exactly the same as 'Braineaters' by the Misftits:

C*cks for dinner
C*cks for lunch
C*cocks for breakfast
Schlongs for lunch
Dicks are out at every meal
Why can't we gobble nuts?

One eyed snakes are all we ever get
In this rotten f*ckin' place
Sick and tired of penises
Why can't we have a change of pace?

C*cks for dinner
C*cks for lunch
C*cocks for breakfast
Schlongs for lunch
Dicks are out at every meal
Why can't we gobble nuts?

Why can't we gobble nuts?
Why can't be gobble god damn f*cking nuts?

Oi oi!

Run4TheShadows
01-09-2010, 09:28 PM
ok well clearly i was way off...that's fine. usually good things happen after trying and failing a lot first, that's called practice. at least failing is better than not trying at all.

but seriously.....most of you guys just talked shit instead of offering any kind of writing advice. i'd like to see you do better with the same amount of effort as i put into my song. your song can be about anything, but it has to be original so the misfits one doesn't count. you get 1 hour for lyrics, and another hour to get the music right. if you guys are as genius as you make yourselves out to be, you'll actually come up with a good song.

RockThe40oz
01-09-2010, 09:42 PM
I can't help but wonder
What this life would be

If the world's idea of perfect
Agreed more with me

Well, there would be no jobs
And there would be no laws
And every town would have a spot
where you could see the stars

And there would be much more
for us to go explore
old bridges, abandoned hospitals
and honest local stores

We're working to make this true
At least that's what we would do
In my idea of perfect
Well isn't it just perfect?
It all just seems so perfect
(To me)


And I can't help but wonder
What this life would be

If God's idea of perfect
Looked a whole lot more like me

Cuz I can't grow facial hair
and I've got crooked teeth
My singing voice ain't beautiful
and I snore loud in my sleep

Well I've never been good at sports
I'm even terrible at pool
and although I think I did alright
I could have done better in school

But there's one thing I can say
It's that I'm perfect in every single way
In my idea of perfect
Well isn't it just perfect?
It all just seems so perfect
(To me)

I just happened to be writing music today... probably an hour total between lyrics and music.

The music is imperfect by design... a couple rhythm changes and oddball chords. (For a better description... think of "Jesus Does the Dishes" by Wingnut Dishwasher Union if you got too drunk to play it and messed up just about every chord formation)

Run4TheShadows
01-09-2010, 10:06 PM
that's pretty good, it reminds me of bad religion's "i want to conquer the world" for some reason. the Wingnut Dishwasher Union song is kinda funny

RizzoWashburn
01-09-2010, 10:22 PM
ok well clearly i was way off...that's fine. usually good things happen after trying and failing a lot first, that's called practice. at least failing is better than not trying at all.

but seriously.....most of you guys just talked shit instead of offering any kind of writing advice. i'd like to see you do better with the same amount of effort as i put into my song. your song can be about anything, but it has to be original so the misfits one doesn't count. you get 1 hour for lyrics, and another hour to get the music right. if you guys are as genius as you make yourselves out to be, you'll actually come up with a good song.
I donít want to be like you
Shackled to the TV set
I donít want just to be remembered
By the things that I forget

I donít want to get a job
I donít want to pay your debt
Iím not your ****ing paranoia
That you wonít live to regret

I donít feel like Iím a man
When Iím washing your floor
I donít want to die here for someone
That I know I donít adore

I can tell you it ainít easy
To be always needing more
To find yourself fiercely entangled
In a suicidal war

This winter night
Thereís just one thing I want
And Iím dying to show you
The present that Iíve brought

Sleigh bells match my ringing ears
Piercing snowy white surprise
Children carol jolly gentle
Masking hate behind their eyes

I canít find the words to say
The feeling quickly dies
Is there an honest man among you
Who canít justify his lies

So Iíll wish you Merry Christmas
And spend the night alone
If I donít wake up Christmas morning
Leave the gifts on my gravestone

Dear Mr. Claus
Please take me home
Iíd like to die like an angel
A halo on my thrown

This winter night
Thereís just one thing I want
And Iím dying to show you
The present that Iíve brought

I did that one in like 20 minutes. I hate the first verse so I'm going to redo it but the point is that you shouldn't have to spend hours on something for it to be good.

Also, try writing about something less superficial. The song will have more meaning and be a hell of a lot better that way.

BR0KENHEARTED
01-10-2010, 12:12 AM
I want my 30 seconds back

5cent Slut
01-10-2010, 12:31 AM
I want my 30 seconds back


kyle, youre a dick..........................that took at LEAST a minute to read

BR0KENHEARTED
01-10-2010, 12:38 AM
Dickdawg?

nashawa
01-10-2010, 12:55 AM
^ Yeah, you should rewrite the song, call it 'Nutgobblers', and make the music exactly the same as 'Braineaters' by the Misftits:

C*cks for dinner
C*cks for lunch
C*cocks for breakfast
Schlongs for lunch
Dicks are out at every meal
Why can't we gobble nuts?

One eyed snakes are all we ever get
In this rotten f*ckin' place
Sick and tired of penises
Why can't we have a change of pace?

C*cks for dinner
C*cks for lunch
C*cocks for breakfast
Schlongs for lunch
Dicks are out at every meal
Why can't we gobble nuts?

Why can't we gobble nuts?
Why can't be gobble god damn f*cking nuts?

Oi oi!

I prefer this to the Misfit's song.
It's very hard to write songs about sex of any kind without looking like a douchebag (or maybe it's just me), but I'm still pretty sure you are no bag of douche.


Hmmm, I'll try, even though I suck at writing punk lyrics...


Separate evil, good
take my hand, as you should
The back alleys along the way
Will lead us to the truth today

Paranoia, lust, defeat
Jealous death now fills the streets
Memorize your fucking lines
Anthems sang of better times

Feed me your lies
Yeah right, Fuck you (x2)
Attracting flies
Get lost, Fuck you (x2)

Disintegrate on thoughts derived
I'm amazed I'm still alive
Dueling fire, friends are dead
The only thing that's left unsaid:

Feed me your lies
Yeah right, Fuck you (x2)
Attracting flies
Get lost, Fuck you (x2)

Oh, how you lie (x4)

Words and music completed in approx. 20-25 minutes.


I don't know what the hell I'm doing..

lookpizza
01-10-2010, 02:29 AM
kyle, youre a dick..........................that took at LEAST a minute to read
Dylan this song is an obvious plagiarism of the Nickel Sluts song "poser" you should sue.

JesusOfSbrbia
01-10-2010, 03:10 AM
Run4TheShadows, it seems like you're able to pick apart your song and see for yourself which lines are strong and which ones are weak, and that's definitely a good way to improve your writing. Just keeping writing songs, write as much as you possibly can, keep a notebook with you all the time and just write whenever something comes to your mind, it can be one or two lines, a random thought, or a whole song, doesn't matter. Just capture your inspiration when it comes, and remember that practice makes perfect, as with anything else. :shrug:

BR0KENHEARTED
01-10-2010, 06:25 AM
Are people here really taking this thread seriously?

axeslash
01-10-2010, 04:09 PM
but seriously.....most of you guys just talked shit instead of offering any kind of writing advice. i'd like to see you do better with the same amount of effort as i put into my song. your song can be about anything, but it has to be original so the misfits one doesn't count. you get 1 hour for lyrics, and another hour to get the music right. if you guys are as genius as you make yourselves out to be, you'll actually come up with a good song.bro this song sucked really hard and the only way we can tell you to improve is to not do this kind of thing ever again.

Joe-Fish
01-10-2010, 04:26 PM
ok well clearly i was way off...that's fine. usually good things happen after trying and failing a lot first, that's called practice. at least failing is better than not trying at all.

but seriously.....most of you guys just talked shit instead of offering any kind of writing advice. i'd like to see you do better with the same amount of effort as i put into my song. your song can be about anything, but it has to be original so the misfits one doesn't count. you get 1 hour for lyrics, and another hour to get the music right. if you guys are as genius as you make yourselves out to be, you'll actually come up with a good song.

Tough love, son.

Try not to use "You" or "Your" so much. The only listeners you'll have are angsty pre-teens.

5cent Slut
01-13-2010, 07:54 PM
Dickdawg?


dick daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawg

Dvnc
01-18-2010, 08:02 PM
what joe-fish said, but overall, i think it has some potential, if it had a whole wheat bread vibe or some sort of happy go lucky punk in the same vein