2 punk esque WIP needs your help! [C4C][GP5]


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dylann
09-25-2011, 11:57 AM
hey everyone

two works in progress

i think im okay at writing music but i am really shit at giving songs a dirrection :\ so i cant think of anything after the riffs on here end please help me.. haha please.. :(

if you help me i will crit anything just link me :)

STONESHAKER
09-25-2011, 12:19 PM
Okay so for the first one,

The way it leads in from the melody is a good lead in. I think you wrote it like that with the intention of it being the introduction to the song. When I listen to it, it strikes me more as the end of the song and that lead in is from a little break. I do not like the riff around bars 11-14, at least as its placed there. Maybe that part should go before the part I liked. Anyway you can experiment with some kind of riff based on the progression you've been using, except you can put the fifth in the bass instead of the root to make it a little muddier, then change up the feel of the riff, add another melody, etc. As far as punk goes, all I really listened to was Bad Religion, but yours is a little bit lighter in mood so I don't know if that would be much help.

Anyways for #2, the first couple riffs are good but I don't know about the last couple bars. I take it you are intentionally pushing it into a more major-tonality, but I think you need to transition it a little bit better because the change in mood is pretty sudden. The key when you transition abruptly like that is to get the previous sound out of the listener's ear before you make the jump. So, if I want the song to jump from an E Phrygian sound to an E Lydian sound, I will cut the guitars to a drum fill, or I'll have the guitars hold a chord that could belong to either mode (an E5 would work, in this case)

C4C? After the intro its hardcore punk/metal.

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1482562

Mean Mr Mustard
09-25-2011, 04:40 PM
For the first one. The intro is pretty solid man. Up until bar 9 it's very enjoyable, and pretty standard pop punk. However, what I would do differently, is at bar 10, I would have the rhythm guitar play straight sixteenth notes as th epowerchords (so eight of each.) Then I would have the drums do a fill (but all sixteenth notes, just snare for like eight hits and then some tom fill.) Then bar 11 sounds good as it is. After that, it doesn't really go into what it should. Starting at bar 12, I think you should go into a verse, no need to keep going on with an intro. Just experiment with the chords you used in the intro to find a different chord progression and use that. For example, start back on that G, then go to C and then see what sounds good.

Song number two starts off good. It would probably sound better with bass and lead track over top playing some simple melody though. At bar 41, again, it would better with a bass and another guitar track to thicken it out. Bar 45 felt awkward because of that timing. Three dotted notes at the end of a bar sound a little awkward, usually 2 dotted eights and one regular eighth is the way to go. However, this leads right into the verse section. I'd just start the verse at bar 46 and then go into a chord progression starting on that B5. Try the chord progression B5 E5 C#5 E5. Thats what I put in, following the same rhythm, and it sounded pretty good.

That's my opinion and thoughts, from a fellow pop-punk writer. C4C in my sig?

DaddyTwoFoot
09-25-2011, 10:54 PM
Are these ones plagiarized?