Guitar hero story thread


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mr_clapton
01-30-2006, 07:37 PM
Ok people i got this idea from hearing all these made up random stories about different players (mostly yngwie) that are usually really funny.
you can use as many different players as you want and just write a short story on what they do, and give it a title for e.g Yngwie's first day of school or something, because we need some literature in this forum damnit so that it can be renounced across the land that we in the shred forum know how to read and write!

apocalypse13
01-30-2006, 08:06 PM
On a cold grim November night in San Fransico, Yngwie was walking through "Tha West Side." There were car jackings and muggings going on everywhere. Yngwie's carrying his guitar, but not in a case, just because he's XtrEmE XcoRe like that. A black man named G Gefforey Good Glock runs by and jacks his axe. Yngwie, in a fit of rage, dashes over, grabs his axe, and plugs it into his Marshall Half Stack he has on his belt. He then proceeds to UNLEASH THE FOCKING FURY!!@##$! In the process, everything in the neighborhood falls to shambles and all the ghetto hoochies bow down and worship his awesomeness, until one offers him a donut. He then bites her head off, and sticks his strat down what used to be her throat. He then rips it out, and continues his focking fury, despite the fact that it only has one string, the B. He then throws all of his gear out in the street, where crack heads and bums quickly rush to kife it. He storms off, on the way having sex with every woman he sees, just because he's Yngwie Fucking Malmsteen.

mr_clapton
01-30-2006, 08:52 PM
:haha: yeah thats what i am talking about keep em coming

PooKoo
01-30-2006, 09:08 PM
I am writing this to you from the future, and although you dont know yet how you got this letter, It'll all become clear to you in time. I cannot explain the mysteries of the space time continuem, for if i began to even try, all the blood would rush to my head, causing a brain tumor the size of Georgia, which in my time has fused with arkansas, and bought a thin strip of land across tenessee to connect this new state, called "Oboe", the straight, naturally, is called Jello. Thats something you more primitive readers wont get, although undoubtly all of you are primitive to me, as my time is much technically superior to yours. Did you know we now have Mainstream Movies that dont suck? Also we've developed cars that dont ruin the environment, and dont cater to pussy's or to patriotic rednecks. And I'll give you one word of warning, dont use ipods, seriously, they cause cancer.

Anyways, you may be wondering why I am writing this to you, for you technological cave dwellers are probably this going, "LOL! Wut ckind of bs iz tehhi s anywz?", but Im abuot to address that. My name is Captain John Lewis Montgomery of the 51st army regiment, circa 2076, and im going to try and persuade you in a manner of speaking. For something terrible happened to my utopia of a world, something beyond your imagination, and most likely your control. However, we must grab onto what little shred of hope we have, and milk it like Axl Rose and Press hype.

In my time, not long ago actually, about 3 years prior, life was perfect, everything of the old world was gone, but then something happened. We dont exactly know how, but ill give you background so you can comprehend.

Obviously, you all know yngwie malmsteen. He was born a arrogent swede, and... well.. died an arragont swede, but with a large fan base of arragont guitar players, The day he died, collectively, the world seem to move a little slower. Blues fans threw a festival in celebration, but only Keith Richards attended, he;s the last survivor of the great blues fad of the 20th century. They want to put him in a museum i heard, hes not too keen on the idea, but hell give in, i mean, they offered free heroin.

But anyways, Yngwie was buried in a sarcophogaus and cast deep into the red sea, for all eternity, so his soul could swim with the last of his viking kins restless spirits. The world was at peace, until 3 years ago, on Dec. 7th, a day that will go down in infamy (i wonder if anyone will even get that joke), It happened. Somehow, a foolish man ressurected yngwies spirit by playing Far beyond the sun, perfectly, to a backing, in a local guitar center. See, it was rumored if you played it perfectly, yngwie would rise again, of course noone in teh history of mankind has, except for rusty cooley, but he lost his hands in the gardening accident of 63. Everyone just wanks on it, but this man had it down, he had it perfect, he did it completely out of spite, and wouldnt let anyone hear it, for he knew he'd simply get his ass kissed by n00bs. This man had an odd avator and likes to trash talk anyone relatively famous in the guitar world... anyways.

Yngwie was back, like a rising force, his ressurection was at hand, the seventh sign had come true and the moon was eclipsed, Yngwie and his army of vikings were marching out, to unleash the fockin fury (i had to say it once). We fought him long and hard, but his great might and power, not to mention hilarious accent, fought us off, Now our ships were burned, and the moon, like a black star, hung in the sky, far beyond the sun. (now im just milkin it really). Yngwie grew large with power, but luckily, tennis and his refusal to eat pastry treats of any kind kept his size from becoming too overpowering. Now we live under a fascist regime of his, he basically is rulilng the world, and since he is but a spirit, we cannot fight him with earthly weapons, we need a demon driver, and the last one was sent off to krakatau to die, his name was Herman Li. With a little luck, hermans spirit will go on to fight yngwie, but we cannot be sure, i implore your help, i need it, i call for it. Dont let this happen. Find the man who started this! find this master player! and DESTROY HIM NOW!

Anyways, i hope you all don't take this for granted, this is very important. It's been nice speaking to you, but now i must bid you farewell. Good luck, and godspeed. I may live in a utopian society of technological advancements you will never be able to dream of, but i dont spell check. **** you.




anyone who reads that gets a cookie

priest.fan.
01-30-2006, 09:10 PM
The Day Chuck Norris met Yngwie...

One time as a boy, Chuck Norris tried to steal Yngwies strat.


Yngwie fucked him up.

The End :)

PooKoo
01-30-2006, 09:11 PM
^i like yours.

mr_clapton
01-30-2006, 09:17 PM
i read it pookoo... and by the way for anyone else writing stories they dont have to be about yngwie it could be like the day satch lost his hair or why steve vai sucks his cheeks in something like that could involve anyone at all even....wait for it....



















THE GREAT KAT

PooKoo
01-30-2006, 09:20 PM
oh i know, but i looooove writing about yngwie.

btw, you get a cookie, but im currently at war with google images, so use your imagination

mr_clapton
01-30-2006, 09:22 PM
i want one of the cookie monsters cookies you know he has the best ones cuase he is always eating them

NevermorePsalm
01-30-2006, 09:26 PM
One day Satch was playing guitar. HE then saw Steve Vai naked, with his wife. He then became bald.


The ENd



Lame beyond all reason

apocalypse13
01-30-2006, 09:27 PM
WE CAN'T LET THIS THREAD DIE! IT IS TEH PWN!

priest.fan.
01-30-2006, 09:38 PM
this one time, this kid was trying to sweep, and he played so bad that jason becker roused himself from paralysis in order to punt the child.




I suck at sweeping :sad:

apocalypse13
01-30-2006, 10:00 PM
Once upon a time, there was a kid who thought he was hot shit. He could play every Metallica song on command.

Kids/Posers at his school = :down:



The kid took a vacation and went to Houston. He saw a poster of this guy "Rusty Cooley." He's like, "Wel, wHosE thiS FAGet?? I BEat I cuOD ShoW HimE up on GuieTrA!!'"

He heads to his house, and knocks on his door. He's like, "So Risty Kolley!!! Doo u WanT to Liek DooEL!??" Rusy obliges, and tells him to kick things off.

So the kid plays St Anger FLAWLESSLY (the whole album of course!!) and says, "So Bietch! Betchu caintt bet taht!!!"

Rusty backs up, and grabs his guitar. The kid is standing there, and says "If u dnot go withIen 1 MIneut, I aTimitecelyy winn. It' Liek teh ruelszorz!"

Rusty stares at the kid for about 30 seconds, and bursts out laughing.

The kid, still waiting, looks somewhat like this:
http://guitarherogame.com/downloads/emo_kid.jpg


Rusty, still laughing, plays a full 784592 notes in approximately 15.78 seconds. He points at the kid and laughs Hard X Core.


The kid, realizing he has just been pwned comepletely, now looks like this:


http://www.kvpt.org/0to5/images/home/crying_baby.jpg


Teh End

priest.fan.
01-30-2006, 10:30 PM
:haha

is the first picture a guy or a girl?

because if its a guy, he has pretty sexy legs O_o

apocalypse13
01-30-2006, 11:02 PM
Guy, I think.

:p:

priest.fan.
01-30-2006, 11:25 PM
*shudders*

<:0

apocalypse13
01-30-2006, 11:32 PM
rofl this thread kicks ass

mr_clapton
01-31-2006, 12:21 AM
PRESENTING: YNGWIE J. MALMSTEEN VS THE GREAT KAT
ON PAY-PER-VIEW
Yngwie Malmsteen rose out of bed on a cold November morning. He quickly sprung into his daily routine, he got changed out of his pajamas which had little pictures of his own face spread all over them into his favourite pair of tight leather pants and silky black shirt. Yngwie then stared at himself in the mirror for about half an hour before deciding he was very hungry. He walked out into his gigantic, candle lit, medievil eating room. Just as yngwie began pouring his special prescription strat shaped cheery-o's there was a knock at his door. Yngwie got up pounding the table yelling "I TOLD YOU FOCKING DONUT KING, I DONT LIKE FOCKING DONUTS" walking towards the door he picked up his favourite cream stratocaster and was preparing to shred in E harmonic minor all of a sudden....................................................a giant donut with pink icing and rainbow sprinkles walked in and slapped yngwie in the face, it then proceeded to run away giggling like a little school girl. Yngwie was mad he needed to unleash his focking fury. So he said in his swedish accent " I am going to turn on my TV and the first person i see i will unleash the focking fury on them." He played the intro to the 5th caprice and the TV came on, it was an interview with the Great Kat. " I AM THE REINCARNATION OF BEETHOVEN!" she began yelling
"What do you think of yngwie malmsteen?" a reporter asked
"WHO THE **** IS YNGWIE MALMSTEEN?"
this was all yngwie could take, he jumped on top of his stratocaster and flew into the sky, he flew far beyond the sun and began playing beethovens 5th symphony so that the whole world could hear it, all of a sudden a giant screeching came back at yngwie and.....


ah stuff it someone finish my story try and make it good because you are gonna need to be good to make that look good....

TheUltimateSin
01-31-2006, 08:32 AM
One sunny day, Yngwie was shredding while standing in the middle of Interstate 93 when suddenly a semi came barreling down the road at him. All of a sudden the semi transformed into Optimus Prime, and he had a pan of fresh-baked donuts! Having forseen this event 2 days ago, Yngwie was prepared. He unleashed the focking fury and plucked the high E string on the 20th fret on his Stratocaster and produced such an incredible vibrato with it that the resulting shockwave sent Optimus Prime and his donuts careening through the air and into Tokyo where he landed on and crushed the b*tch who had dumped water on Yngwie a week before. After yelling in the general direction of Tokyo "I said I don't focking like donuts!!", Yngwie resume shredding in the middle of nowhere.

The End

Axegrinder#9
01-31-2006, 12:59 PM
aah this thread should be stickied :headbang:

paddyo
01-31-2006, 01:41 PM
Definitely has to be Archived!!!

apocalypse13
01-31-2006, 02:13 PM
I wonder if we can make a request.

This has to be the shred forum at it's finest.

We must get it stickied.

PooKoo
01-31-2006, 02:34 PM
yes, lets start a petition! or whatever its called.

TheUltimateSin
01-31-2006, 02:35 PM
^I concur

priest.fan.
01-31-2006, 02:41 PM
This has to be the shred forum at it's finest.

sad, but probably true :haha

apocalypse13
01-31-2006, 02:57 PM
It can't beat the Pit's lowest moment:


Scrunched or Folded?

:haha

:(


Anyway, I vote in favor to get this thread stickied, and/or archived. If I had to choose between the two, I'd vote Sticky It.

PooKoo
01-31-2006, 03:25 PM
i vote sticky.

Resiliance
01-31-2006, 04:06 PM
This is getting a bit too pitty for me :(

shredfan
01-31-2006, 04:32 PM
Come on guys- don't you realise that this thread is becoming less and less stickiable, due to the fact that it is now 90% made up of people going, 'oMg, this threAdz teh pwn!!!1 sticky it!!'
Those stories are pretty funny though. :D And for some reason they always seem funnier when they're about yngwie.

apocalypse13
01-31-2006, 04:52 PM
Let's make another thread for the petition.

Scorzerci
01-31-2006, 04:52 PM
Everything becomes funnier when a fat person is involved;)
(yes i know that hes become skinnier but in my eyes he will always be the fat swedish unleash the f0cking fury guy)

apocalypse13
01-31-2006, 04:53 PM
that doesn't like donuts

TheUltimateSin
01-31-2006, 07:09 PM
^Yes! You can't forget the donuts!

public property
01-31-2006, 07:56 PM
Satch is really a secret martial arts expert who defends the world from villians.
He was once in a bowling arena, when a godlike super villian pitted his life against the wager that satch couldn't get a strike by rolling his head into the pins, he shaved off his hair and threw his head, causing a strike and destroying the super villian, although the world was saved, his hair never regrew....to this day satch despises bowling.

mr_clapton
01-31-2006, 08:01 PM
ok i have a new idea since we are all having a bit of trouble writing them, lets all write a joint story like, make a plot first and work from there, so anyone got any ideas for the basis of this story

apocalypse13
01-31-2006, 08:25 PM
In the previous edition of "The Furious Adventures of Yngwie J. Malmsteen," our hero devastated the ghettos of San Fransisco when he "unleashed the focking Fury" on some unlucky foe who tried to jack his axe.

Yngwie Malmsteen was sitting in his living room jamming on his 526 halfstacks (full volume of course) while watching CNN. A story came on about a new guitar virtuoso.

Reporter: This just in, an amazing new shredder virtuoso has just stormed into our office and is currently playing so blindingly fast that we literally cannot contemplate the actual speed. Experts say it is close to 124 nps, but we truly don't know. Perhaps the greatest surprise of all? It's a female.

Yngwie, infuriated, gets up, hops in his helicopter, and flies to the headquarters. He storms in the building. Security guards try to stop him, but he simply unleashes the focking Fury on his guitar, and even when it isn't plugged into an amp, it's plenty enough to knock them 30+ feet back. He goes to get on the elevator, when a security guard makes a feeble attempt to soothe him by offering him a donut. This angers Malmsteen to no end and he puts his head in the elevator doors, and slams them shut, chopping his head off. He screams, "I DON'T LIKE FUKIN DONUTS!!!!"

He then rides all the way up to the top floor, and gets off. Once he exits, he takes a sharp turn left. He heads all the way down to the room marked, "Main Office." He steps in, and is instantly blinded by the sight of The Great Kat having sex with the manager. In his state of temporary blindness, he trips over a water machine, the jug of ice cold water spilling all over him. He becomes EXTREMELY pissed.

He stands up, and screams, "YOU'VE UNLEASHED THE FOCKING FURY BITCH!!!" He pulls out his axe, pulls two half stacks out of his ruffled shirt and plays "Faster Than the Speed of Light" at 3x speed. He then rushes in to the room, still partially blinded, and reams the Kat in the head with his guitar so hard that she looks uglier afterwards. She grabs her V, and plays a Paganini song sloppily, and says "That was my song Doom Hating Kitty." Yngwie rips his strings off and strangles her with the high E. He pulls so hard, he slices through her neck comepletely, but then gets it stuck in her hair. Since she never uses any brain cells anyway, she is still able to survive when beheaded. She turns, and flashes Yngwie. His retinas are burned off, and his eyes dry up like prunes. He does the only thing his instincts tell him to, and he attempts to unleash the Fury. To his dismay, he has already ripped his strings off. But, the mere speed and force of his fingers hitting the bare fretboard are enough to cause gigantic shockwaves. The wave of energy sweeps Kat off of her feet, and throws her out of the building. The hole she causes in the window creates a pressure change, causing the building to implode. Yngwie quickly jumps out and uses his signiature shirt as a parachute. He lands safely on the ground, and hops in his helicopter to head home.

So, in this episode, our hero's Fury extends to The Great Kat. But, did he truly destroy her, or did she fake her death in a master plot to dominate the world of virtuosos? Find out in the next edition of "THE FURIOUS ADVENTURES OF YNGWIE J. MALMSTEEN."

*Dramatic Arcade Music Plays*

Erc
01-31-2006, 09:49 PM
The Chronicles of Vai, Steve Vai.

Once upon a time, Vai was sitting on his leopord skin couch sipping wine and wearing his usual frilly and sissy flowerly shirts practicing his wierd faces, pursing his lips when suddenly the "Close-minded-elitist bastard" alarm went off. Being suddenly taken out of his concentration he bit his tounge and cursed the damn noobs. He ran over to his super-duper-talking-computer and checked for the location of the noob. It was right in the middle of New York. Steve Vai went into his meditation mode stroking the neck of his guitar and tapping the strings. Suddenly he dissappeared and went into another dimension!

The teleportation dimension! He started flying through the colorful vortex on his signature JEM and was playing Building the Churchs intro to increase the speed beacuse he had to beat the CR-noob-fan for bashing shred all that it stood for! He continued to fly at light speed till reaching the CR-noobs house!

He then flew out of a break in time and appeared right before the noobs eyes! The noobs was wearing a GnR shirt and a "I love boring pentatonic solos!" hat staring in wonder at steve vai's girly shirt.

He then said "R0flz l0l3z wh0 t3h fUc3z 4r3 Uez!!"

Steve Vai was surprised at the strength of this noobs noobiness! It was unbearable! He couldn't fight him without help! He then took out the magic seashell horn and blew into it! There was a rumbling sound and then suddenly Satch flying light a bullet headfirst with his bald head flew through the wall and slammed into the noob!

The noob in a fury laid out even more ridiculous noob talks "L0l3z s4tchez! Y0uez c4n't d3f34t m3!" He then procedded to ramble on on how Slash was better then any other guitarist in the world and that shred = no emotion at all ever.

Satch couldn't handle it since his bald head had weakened due to the lack of hair over the years, his head exploded. RIP Satch.

Vai in a fury decided to take them both into the vortex of the...OTHER DIMENSION! Where he could easily defeat this foe!

By playing the intro to Erotic Nightmares the portal opened up and sucked them both in. Then Vai played a perfect FTLOG and said "For the Love of God noob...DIE!!" and he shot lightning bolts out of his Jem and killed the stupid noob.

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b21/CrapplePapple/Stevevailolol.jpg

Caption: Picture of Steve Vai owning the noob with lightning bolts from the special "curve Jem"

mr_clapton
01-31-2006, 09:56 PM
wow....just wow

apocalypse13
01-31-2006, 10:05 PM
LMFAO

That story, plain and simple, cracked me up.

TheUltimateSin
01-31-2006, 10:12 PM
That...was...amazing...

Axegrinder#9
01-31-2006, 10:25 PM
jesus, this is going to be the greatest thread of all time...

pavan
02-01-2006, 06:46 AM
lolz meh th1$ 1$ teh pwnz lolz

Erich yeung
02-01-2006, 10:30 AM
wow these stories own, apocs made me **** myself.................................................twice, i must say the furious adventures of yngwie j. malmsteen are awesome, and wow pookoos should be made into a generic timetravel sci-fi rebellion movie.

PooKoo
02-01-2006, 02:14 PM
yes! thank you! That is all i wanted to hear.

apocalypse13
02-01-2006, 02:48 PM
:haha

Thanks! Great stuff, this thread is, great stuff.

IgnoreThis
02-01-2006, 05:11 PM
This is like, the funniest thread, like, ever, and the scariest thing is, like, its on the shred forum! Bejeesus there pwn. The Yngwie/Herman Li's spirit one is focking brilliant!

paddyo
02-01-2006, 05:48 PM
Funny? Shred Forum? Naaaaahhhh











































This is fucking hilarious! I didn't know the shred forum could pull off such humour! Fair play everyone! Exclamation mark! Laugh! Funnies! YAAAYYYYY!!!!

apocalypse13
02-01-2006, 05:53 PM
We now have our own Pit. If it dies, we revive it.

IT CANNOT DIE

PooKoo
02-01-2006, 08:59 PM
Thank you! thank you! recognition! I think ill start doing coke soon if it keeps up.

Ill write another soon. Apoc, you wanna colaborate? You write the first half of one, and ill finish it.

TheUltimateSin
02-01-2006, 10:24 PM
^Dude, if you 2 wrote one together it would focking pwn. Do it!

bucky_2300
02-01-2006, 11:37 PM
Yngiwie v. Mother Nature


It was a dark and stormy night. Yngwie Malmsteen was sitting on a dark plush futon in his gothic-design bedroom, with his guitar firmly planted upon his ample lap. Thunder boomed outside the window, and not being one to take s#^t from Mother Nature, Yngwie returned with a blistering 34nps run in the E Harmonic Minor scal...wait. Yngwie sat upright. Something was not right. He played the run again. Thunder boomed again - louder this time. Yngwie's jaw slowly fell open. The run wasn't right - it was in E MELODIC Minor. Yngwie had forgotten how to play the Harmonic Minor Scale.

Being Yngwie, Yngwie could not admit that perhaps he had just temporarily forgotten the Harmonic Minor. Admitting that would mean that he himself was at fault. And Yngwie is never at fault. If Yngwie throws a grenade through the window of an orphanage, the orphans (and most likely, nuns) within were at fault. Do not ask why. Doing so would result in a truly agonising death. Choked with the shrapnel-filled chunks of nuns and orphans, perhaps. But that is beside the point.

Yngwie determined that since the thunder had boomed prior to his forgetting of the Harmonic Minor, Mother Nature, and the Thunder Gods in particular, had stolen his ability to play the Harmonic Minor. So, in typical overly dramatic Yngwie fashion, he stood up from the futon, spread his legs, held the guitar in the air with his left hand, threw his head back, and yelled something Swedish and incomprehensible. No one is sure what it meant (except for the chef from the Muppets - but f$#k him) but damn it was cool. And with this gesture, Yngwie leaped out the fifth-storey window and flew off to bitch-slap Mother Nature.

Almost immediately after he began his journey, Yngwie noticed that Mother Nature was no pussy either. The thunder and lighting intensified. Yngwie himself was almost struck by a wayward bolt, but after a quick glare from Yngwie, Mother Nature decided not to try that again.

After ten minutes of zooming about the Los Angeles Scandinavian sky, Yngwie heard it. Off in the distance, a lick. In E HARMONIC MINOR. Mother Nature was trying out her newest acquisition. This intensified Yngwie's already deadly fury, and he sped faster and faster ahead until he saw it.

Mother Nature embodied, guitar in hand.

But the guitar - was a Les Paul. The polar opposite of Yngwie's Strat. Yngwie squinted, and placed his fingers upon the fretboard.

What followed cannot be contained in mere words. But it is said that past the radius of death (120km) within which the heads of every human being exploded, some heard a shriek, followed by a deathly rumble of "YOOOOOUUUUU'VVEEEEE REELEEEEAAAAASSSEEEEED THEEEEEEEE................................. FYOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Half an hour later, Yngwie sat again on his futon. Thunder boomed outside. And in return, he released a 34nps lick - in E Harmonic Minor. Yngwie smiled gently, and then set his guitar aside and picked up the tray of orphan gullets that had been sitting beside him.

paddyo
02-02-2006, 01:25 PM
:haha Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.

TheUltimateSin
02-02-2006, 01:52 PM
^^F*ck yeah!

apocalypse13
02-02-2006, 02:20 PM
Thank you! thank you! recognition! I think ill start doing coke soon if it keeps up.

Ill write another soon. Apoc, you wanna colaborate? You write the first half of one, and ill finish it.
Ok! But, we've gotta get it perfect. I've an idea. I'll write something, and PM it to you. You finish it, and PM it to me so I can see our creation and make sure it's flawless.

:headbang:


Bucky's story is focking awesome. Ebert and Roeper give it TWO THUMBS WAY UP.

PooKoo
02-02-2006, 02:43 PM
Yes that story pwneddd!

And sounds good apoc, but who should it be about? Im tired of yngwie.

paddyo
02-02-2006, 02:56 PM
Do one about Gilbert or Lane:)

apocalypse13
02-02-2006, 02:58 PM
<_<

Let's throw ideas out:

-Shredder pwns noob
-Shredder pwns Billie Joe
-Micheal Angelo Batio and his funny hair
-Paul Gilbert or Marty Friedman laying pwn

I have no idea... Help me here.

Edit: We could just compile a whole bunch of random sh!te and make up something. Like Erc's story, but with more people and pwnage involved.

PooKoo
02-02-2006, 05:57 PM
ok ill think on it.

hmmm...

Erc
02-02-2006, 07:59 PM
Edit: We could just compile a whole bunch of random sh!te and make up something. Like Erc's story, but with more people and pwnage involved.


What my story wasn't random sh!te!! It was all very well planned and thought out!

P.S. I'm lieing...

pavan
02-02-2006, 09:16 PM
Do one about Gilbert or Lane:)

Lets leave Lane and Becker alone, shall we?

apocalypse13
02-02-2006, 09:19 PM
I don't mean it like that anyway. You had more than one central theme. Satch, Vai, Dumbass noobs getting pwned, etc. Your story cracks me up man. I love the "close minded elitist bastard" alarm and the "I love boring pentatonic solos" hat. LMFAO

I want mine and PooKoo's story to have more than one idea, unless we think of a really super badass one.

mr_clapton
02-02-2006, 09:19 PM
yeah i agree

Erc
02-02-2006, 10:08 PM
It was a dark day in music history. Battle was about to be waged. But how and when? In the realm of music and its many affiliants and factions. There was one faction called the "Shredi", keeper of all things virtuosic. They were the few, the 1337 and could pwn many in the face. But their numbers were dwindling over the years.
But even among these great powerful men there was a division. The Dark Shredi and the Light Shredi. Each with opposing views on many things. But on this fateful day of music, the two warring subfactions came together to fight the plague of the musical fad....

EMOTIVE HARDCORE!

"We can charge them, fight them, and defeat them easily! They are weak and narrow minded!" Yelled Jeff Loomis in a fiery rage. He was a very aggressive dark shredi. Steve Vai, a member of the Masterful Council of the Light Shredi was shaking his head, "No Loomis, we can't, our numbers are to thin, and they have their allies, the Hardcore Kiddies to overwhelm us.". Jani looked confused, and said, "But master Vai, then what are we to do if we can not fly with the eagles and attack at the rising sun over the hills and far away?..." Right after he finished speaking an alarm went off and Yngwie Malmsteen, a Master Dark Shredi came running through the doors making a loud thud as the door hit the wall. Everyone turned there heads in surprise. The other Master Shredis, both dark and light, stood up.

He was huffing and puffing, barely still breathing. He had his guitar in his hand, charged with its dark shredi power. "There fooking here!" another huff and puff, he was keeling over, "..the....the emo kids..and...they've got...", he could barely finish, he was falling closer and closer on the floor using his guitar as a crutch, kneeling. "They've got....fooking....they've got fooking doughnuts!!!" and then right there Yngwie Malmsteen fell on the ground, with a doughnutty glazed eyes in his look.

The whole council was in shock. How did they figure out where there secret meeting was? Someone had betrayed them and he was somewhere in the room but nobody knew who. Al Di Meola who was sitting next to Vai stood and spoke. "Someone take Malmsteen to the infirmary! Everyone to their battle stations! Arm yourselves for they will be upon us soon!" People started clamoring down from their seats reaching for and getting out their guitars. They stuck the biggest metal men, memebers of the Dark Shredi in the front. Zakk Wylde with his RR V and Kerry King with this spiky guitar and bracelet. Muhammad with his too spikey guitar was with them. THey all stood in front of the door waiting....

There was 2 minutes of complete silence. Nobody knew what was going to happen. Then suddenly there was a piecing scream, a cry for a dieing love one and then the emo kids slammed through the door with their gay hair and started screeching throwing fooking doughnuts! The metal men at the front started hacking away and playing chromatic death songs upon their enemies but they were failing to hold them. There were too many and the stickyness of the glazed doughnuts were slowind them down, they couldn't continue on much longer.

The shredi were loosing men quickly. They couldn't hold them much longer. The Masters were meeting behind the line discussing what to do.

"We are loosing men." claimed Michael Angelo. "So I see" responded Vai. "We have only one choice, to retreat and regroup at another meeting place." They nodded in silence. In agreement. Even the Dark Shredi did not argue as they knew they had to leave. "I'll hold them off said Vai, get them to the escape ships" The Michael Arkefedlt went to go send the orders to the dark shredi men as the dark shredi would never listen to a Light Shredi on such a matter. Shawn Lane went to tell the light shredi. Vai stood on top of a podium and started playing a beautiful improvised peice. It mesmerized the emo kids, they stopped moving and just stood there. This was there chance to leave. Everyone ran to the emergency exit and left. Vai stepped into a portal he created. The meeting was abandon and many shredi had fallen at the battle.

Coming through the door after Vai left was the leaders of the Poppy-Emo Brigade and their Hardcore Kiddies. The lead singer of Fall Out Boy was leading this attack, with his trusty assistant, the dumbass from Simple Plan.

"So what do we do now?" asked the dumbass from Simple Plan. The Fall Out Boy dickwad looked around, and smiled, "We keep chasing them, they can't fight us, we'll fight them into the ground and get rid of them once and all, we'll rule the musical scene with no interferance from the Shredi Masters. And then....we will RULE THE WORLD!!" And as he said the last statement, there was sterotypical crash of lightning and it started raining outside.

To Be Continued...if I can find the time...

BTW thoughts on the story? Do you guys want a real storyline (slightly ****ty but I do what I can ^_^) or just random bull****? I thought the random bull**** would get old fast so I took another approach. Good or no?

pavan
02-02-2006, 10:16 PM
Vai cant improvise for ****. He's a great composer, just not good at improvising

Erc
02-02-2006, 10:46 PM
^ Yea I know, he ususally uses the same licks. But the sound good for the first time. And for the sake of the story, emo kids have never heard Vai, so hearing it for the first time is nifty.

mr_clapton
02-02-2006, 11:17 PM
yeah man that was great

TheUltimateSin
02-03-2006, 08:16 AM
That was focking sweet Erc.

:golfclap:

IgnoreThis
02-03-2006, 02:33 PM
I liked the dark shredi :haha

Continue it, go on, you know you want to.

Erich yeung
02-03-2006, 02:57 PM
first of all i **** myself, vomited with hilarity, and creamed my pants at the same time, second of alll i think im going to make a movie, i say we totally present this idea to the hollywood bigshots, with the realy guitarists inthere actually playing, i would pay 100 bucks to see that lmao, though a certain GL would not like that:p:

NevermorePsalm
02-03-2006, 05:44 PM
It was a dark day in music history. Battle was about to be waged. But how and when? In the realm of music and its many affiliants and factions. There was one faction called the "Shredi", keeper of all things virtuosic. They were the few, the 1337 and could pwn many in the face. But their numbers were dwindling over the years.
But even among these great powerful men there was a division. The Dark Shredi and the Light Shredi. Each with opposing views on many things. But on this fateful day of music, the two warring subfactions came together to fight the plague of the musical fad....

EMOTIVE HARDCORE!

"We can charge them, fight them, and defeat them easily! They are weak and narrow minded!" Yelled Jeff Loomis in a fiery rage. He was a very aggressive dark shredi. Steve Vai, a member of the Masterful Council of the Light Shredi was shaking his head, "No Loomis, we can't, our numbers are to thin, and they have their allies, the Hardcore Kiddies to overwhelm us.". Jani looked confused, and said, "But master Vai, then what are we to do if we can not fly with the eagles and attack at the rising sun over the hills and far away?..." Right after he finished speaking an alarm went off and Yngwie Malmsteen, a Master Dark Shredi came running through the doors making a loud thud as the door hit the wall. Everyone turned there heads in surprise. The other Master Shredis, both dark and light, stood up.

He was huffing and puffing, barely still breathing. He had his guitar in his hand, charged with its dark shredi power. "There fooking here!" another huff and puff, he was keeling over, "..the....the emo kids..and...they've got...", he could barely finish, he was falling closer and closer on the floor using his guitar as a crutch, kneeling. "They've got....fooking....they've got fooking doughnuts!!!" and then right there Yngwie Malmsteen fell on the ground, with a doughnutty glazed eyes in his look.

The whole council was in shock. How did they figure out where there secret meeting was? Someone had betrayed them and he was somewhere in the room but nobody knew who. Al Di Meola who was sitting next to Vai stood and spoke. "Someone take Malmsteen to the infirmary! Everyone to their battle stations! Arm yourselves for they will be upon us soon!" People started clamoring down from their seats reaching for and getting out their guitars. They stuck the biggest metal men, memebers of the Dark Shredi in the front. Zakk Wylde with his RR V and Kerry King with this spiky guitar and bracelet. Muhammad with his too spikey guitar was with them. THey all stood in front of the door waiting....

There was 2 minutes of complete silence. Nobody knew what was going to happen. Then suddenly there was a piecing scream, a cry for a dieing love one and then the emo kids slammed through the door with their gay hair and started screeching throwing fooking doughnuts! The metal men at the front started hacking away and playing chromatic death songs upon their enemies but they were failing to hold them. There were too many and the stickyness of the glazed doughnuts were slowind them down, they couldn't continue on much longer.

The shredi were loosing men quickly. They couldn't hold them much longer. The Masters were meeting behind the line discussing what to do.

"We are loosing men." claimed Michael Angelo. "So I see" responded Vai. "We have only one choice, to retreat and regroup at another meeting place." They nodded in silence. In agreement. Even the Dark Shredi did not argue as they knew they had to leave. "I'll hold them off said Vai, get them to the escape ships" The Michael Arkefedlt went to go send the orders to the dark shredi men as the dark shredi would never listen to a Light Shredi on such a matter. Shawn Lane went to tell the light shredi. Vai stood on top of a podium and started playing a beautiful improvised peice. It mesmerized the emo kids, they stopped moving and just stood there. This was there chance to leave. Everyone ran to the emergency exit and left. Vai stepped into a portal he created. The meeting was abandon and many shredi had fallen at the battle.

Coming through the door after Vai left was the leaders of the Poppy-Emo Brigade and their Hardcore Kiddies. The lead singer of Fall Out Boy was leading this attack, with his trusty assistant, the dumbass from Simple Plan.

"So what do we do now?" asked the dumbass from Simple Plan. The Fall Out Boy dickwad looked around, and smiled, "We keep chasing them, they can't fight us, we'll fight them into the ground and get rid of them once and all, we'll rule the musical scene with no interferance from the Shredi Masters. And then....we will RULE THE WORLD!!" And as he said the last statement, there was sterotypical crash of lightning and it started raining outside.

To Be Continued...if I can find the time...

BTW thoughts on the story? Do you guys want a real storyline (slightly ****ty but I do what I can ^_^) or just random bull****? I thought the random bull**** would get old fast so I took another approach. Good or no?

SU? I loved it Erc, would you mind If I sorta stole the whole Shredi thing. I have equeal right to it, because...I said so. I was there when it was created, lol. I would have to right one about how Lane totally pwned the pussies from Avenged Sevenfold. May I, for I Have the time to do so.

PooKoo
02-03-2006, 05:48 PM
http://www.paulgilbert.com/Guitar.Wars.Heads.web.jpg

i felt your story called for this. No matter how little it had to do with it.

TheUltimateSin
02-03-2006, 06:02 PM
^ :haha LMFAO

That's f*cking awesome.

PooKoo
02-03-2006, 06:04 PM
you must send your thanks to our old friend Senior Paulo then

ukdudeinuk
02-03-2006, 06:08 PM
I think there should be one about Gilbert laying the pwn. Alas, I know of no funny inside Gilberto jokes to help me...

PooKoo
02-03-2006, 06:18 PM
apoc, you wanna start a gilberto story? How about something involving him and the mexican govt? Well work it out in pms or something.

Erc
02-03-2006, 06:27 PM
SU? I loved it Erc, would you mind If I sorta stole the whole Shredi thing. I have equeal right to it, because...I said so. I was there when it was created, lol. I would have to right one about how Lane totally pwned the pussies from Avenged Sevenfold. May I, for I Have the time to do so.


Go right ahead and steal the idea, I can't remember who came up with the original "dark and light shredi" thing at SU anyways ^_^. So yea go ahead.

Also thanks for the positive feedback...I might continue the story since it seemed to be so well received.

NevermorePsalm
02-03-2006, 06:56 PM
Go right ahead and steal the idea, I can't remember who came up with the original "dark and light shredi" thing at SU anyways ^_^. So yea go ahead.

Also thanks for the positive feedback...I might continue the story since it seemed to be so well received.

I will start now. I already have Minarets playing!

apocalypse13
02-04-2006, 01:30 PM
apoc, you wanna start a gilberto story? How about something involving him and the mexican govt? Well work it out in pms or something.
That's cool, though I've been having internet problems, I won't respond instantly like usual. :p:

pavan
02-04-2006, 01:36 PM
^ how is your comp now? I saw your thread about it avin' spyware issues

PooKoo
02-04-2006, 01:52 PM
yeah same, my comps pretty royally ****ed too, so dont worry bout it.

apocalypse13
02-04-2006, 02:35 PM
Well, I found out exactly what's causing it, and a detailed explanation on how to get rid of it. I think it'll take a while though, so I'm going to do it later tonight. Hopefully my net speeds up too. I can't download videos right now because it's so slow. It'd take an hour to dl a 10 MB file...:(

I hope I get it cleaned up though.

Beckerism
02-04-2006, 02:46 PM
Eric forgot to mentioned that Jason Becker was holding his own. He was owning 4 emos per second with only his left thumb.

mr_clapton
02-04-2006, 08:29 PM
And he was able to tell the all about yoganda and converted half of them

bucky_2300
02-05-2006, 12:04 AM
Eric forgot to mentioned that Jason Becker was holding his own. He was owning 4 emos per second with only his left thumb.


That's something. I can only own one emo a minute with my left hand. (Usually because they're blown away by the Thunderstruck intro ;))

wil
02-06-2006, 05:49 AM
After releasing Surfing With the ALien, Joe Satriani was annoyed by all his contemporaries using super fast alt pickin, and he thought maybe he could blend this technique with his super melodic lines, so with all the money he was making, he bought a desert Island off of Australia and decided to isolate himself there, armed only with an acoustic and a years supply of Cheerios to practise.

Satriani was really impressed when he arrived on the Island, the scenery and the sounds of nature began to inspire him in a musical way. He sat down on a small outcrop of rock and, after a handful of Cheerios, set about practising. He figured that if he could do eight hours day for a year, he'd be able to 'outpick' his pesky young mentor Steve Vai and the swedish meatball Malmsteen that everyone was ranting on about and be an all round guitar master. Satch didn't care what the purists would think of his new machine gun picking techinque, he'd just released the best selling instrumental album ever.

All went well for the first three months, Satch grew a little bored of Cheerios and he was losing weight badly, so he eventually diversified his diet. He managed to catch fish by getting maggots from the rotting corpse of a huge kangaroo and putting them in some of his old Cheerio boxes in the surf. Those dumb Aussie snappers would swim INTO the box and couldn't get out because this meant swimming backwards and effectively drowning! Satch also ate a lot of coconuts and he even used a large empty shell as a type of hat to stop the very top of his head getting burned.

You see, Satch had a hell of a lot of hair, but he'd noticed more recently that he was getting a little bald spot on the back. Oh well, thought, can't win them all.

Most importantly, Joe's picking technique was coming on in leaps and bounds, he'd managed to fashion a crude metronome out of a conch shell and the jawbone of a baby reef shark he found further down the beach and he was soon picking up to 200bpm sixteenth notes. He began to enjoy life on the island, sure he missed his family, and his fans, but he sure as hell didn't miss teaching. He used to remember how he'd tell KIrk hAMmet that there were other keys than Eminor, and more modes than the Aeolian, but he just wouldn't have any of it. Then he remembered the success Kirk's band had had; something which often shook his faith in the music industry.

A problem came on the last day of the fourth month. Satch had gone so long without talking to anyone that his musical expression had improved a lot, he played what would normally have said. However, during a particularly emotional passage in a new song he was writing, the D string suddenly snapped. Shit! THought Joe, i can't even practise chords properly anymore. He wouldn't have minded if the E had broken, or even the G but...

Joe racked his brain as to what he could do as a replacement...He considered using the fur off all the coconut shells he had eaten, but it was too coarse. He considered killing a kangaroo and boiling its guts and tendons down like they did in the old days, but he just couldn't bring himself to slaughter an animal. He couldn't believe what had happened. Joe brushed a hand through his hair to calm himself down when he noticed at least fifty long wirey hairs sprouting out between his fingers. This gave Joe an idea...Joe found an old-unfortunately empty-packet of strings in his pocket and checked the diameter for a D. Joe figured he'd need about six hundred hairs for such a gauge. Satriani considered what he was about to do...He hesitated, then noticed a length of fishing line on the beach, it was attached to the jaws of the shark he had found, and because it was clear monofilament, he'd almost missed it. Satch was angry that the fishermen had simply discarded the shark while still hooked and considered writing a conservational song, with a whammy bar solo replicating the whale-song. First things first though, he thought, get the guitar working again. The fishing line snapped as Joe tightened up the machine heads. Shit! JOe thought once more.

There was nothing else for it. Being pretty good at maths, Joe worked out how many hairs he would need for every string and calcualted that he would lose half of his hair, but he could get an entire set of strings off of his head. He began plucking...

Joe used hairs off the top of his head, as they were longest and as they seemed to be dropping anyway, what the hell, he thought. AFter three days, Joe had fashioned a D string. It had been a laborious process during which he reminded himself no less than a thousand times, that if he ever embarked on such a quest in the future, to bring spare strings. The string wasn't as loud as the others, but he sure felt connected to it, being as it was his DNA. He also found he could pick it quite hard, as the intertwined strands of hair were very strong. JUst then, JOe let go of his plectrum by mistake and it flew into the sea. Shit! He wasn't the strongest of swimmers and he didn't fancy his chances of getting it back. Joe reminded himself to bring more plectrums in the future as well.

What could he do now? He had few stale Cheerios but they wouldn't do. Joe then remembered that he had spotted a dead turtle in the forest and he set off to find it once more. Joe began to wonder why his hair was falling out, and all the animals on the island were dead or dying, and why the sea was sometimes bright pink, and why the island had been so cheap in the first place...Never mind all that now, he scalded himself. Joe found the turtle shell and decided that turtles were kind of like tortoises and plectrums are often sold as 'tortoise-shell.' Satch picked up a rock to smash the shell, but he just couldn't do it...

Over the next nine months, Joe broke all the strings and replaced them all with those of his own head hair. He had no plectrum so he had to abandon his quest for super-speed picking and decided to work on legato instead, which he found he liked better anyway. When he finally flew home, Satch was a lot balder than before, but he didn't mind, it kind of suited his alien image, and he was extremely malnourished, but his legato playing was improved 300%, so it was sort of even he supposed. Satch also had some great new ideas for his next album. He'd enjoyed the experience so much that he wasn't even angry when found a rucksack full of plectrums and strings his wife had packed under his plane seat with a note saying ' Good luck, I love you.' Satch didn't like the look of the lunchbox she had packed though, as it was now a year old, so he opened the plane window and threw it into the ocean. Then he flew home, thinking more of the conservationalist song he wanted to write.


Sorry if someones already done a 'Satch-Baldness' story.

ILoveHarmonics
02-06-2006, 06:13 AM
Haha it's great!

I liked the idea about going to practise for a year on an Island without spare strings.

AngilasGuy
02-06-2006, 10:42 AM
The Battle Between Good And Evil: Yngwie Vs. The Beast From 20,000 Phathoms
Written by: Jordan Marty (AKA AngilasGuy)

One day, Yngwie was reading a brief history of time, because he is a genius, when out of nowhere, Hitler?s ghost appeared. Yngwie said ?What are you doing here, Hitler?? the ghost replied ?I am not Hitler, I am The great Kat, now bow down before me and worship me?. Yngwie does not stand for this tomfoolery, so he stood up on his coffee table, took out his pinesol bottle filled with holy water, and said ?SEE YOU IN TOKYO, BITCH!? and sprayed the foul demon. The great kat?s ghost melted, yes, melted, and died.
After that, Yngwie went on reading.

Two days later, Steve Vai came over to Yngwie?s house, and they played Dance Dance Revolution together, it was a good time, but steve vai won, Yngwie?s ego was struck, and started to swear in Swedish, but Vai, being the good man he is, gave Yngwie a hug, and all was good. Then, a portal opened. Out came Hendrix out of a time portal. Yngwie and Vai bowed down and kissed his feet. Hendrix then said ?Stop you two, I must warn you of great danger.? The two stood up and listened attentively. ?Yngwie, earlier this week you overcame the great kat, or so you think?? Yngwie replied ?What do you mean, master?? The Hendrix God then said ?The great kat was sent into the underworld, and Satan fused nuclear stegosaurus DNA with the great kat, she has become a giant beast, and is now on the bottom of the Atlantic ocean, she is coming strait for your home in Florida for revenge. Yngwie was furious, and vowed to destroy the demon. Yngwie?s house-attendant then offered Yngwie doughnuts, but yngwie refused, saying ?I DON?T EAT NO ****IN? DOUGHNUTS!?, and he went to bed, angry.

The next day, Yngwie put on his battle gear, and went on his yacht onto the Atlantic, equipped with uber-radar technology, to find the beast. He came up to an Island, and the radar started to beep, he landed. ?It isn?t going to be heaven tonight for you, bitch.? said Yngwie. Then, the trees started to shake, and Yngwie took out his guitar, ready for battle. She appeared. ?RAWRGH I AM THE GREAT KAT, MEN ARE EVIL, I AM THE BEST, KISS MY FEET, ETC ETC ETC.? ?Give me your best shot? said yngwie. The Great Kat pulled out her blood-soaked flying V, and started to play. ?I AM THE MODERN-MOZART!? She said, then Yngwie?s eardrums exploded, and blood oozed out. ?ARRGghHGhh? moaned Yngwie, ?YOU?VE UNLEASHED THE FOOKIN FUUURRRRY!.? But he thought of one of his favorite composers, Beethoven, and was inspired. Then, just then, a miracle happened? Yngwie took out his guitar, and played, deaf. It was a beautiful song, filled with harmonic minor and Phrygian runs, with plenty of counter-point and melodic melodies. The great kat?s brain could not handle the sheer beauty of it, and since her brain was the size of a walnut (thanks to Stegosaurus DNA), her brain exploded, and her head ruptured. He then went up to the bloodied corpse, grabbed onto it?s tail, and threw her into the sun. And then, to finish it off, played ?Far Beyond The Sun? to celebrate his victory.

Later that day, he went back to his house, Steve, Jimmi, Joe, and Yngwie himself sat down and drank fancy wine. They all rejoiced, for the world was right again.

The End.

True story, I swear, true story.

(Photographs from the battle coming soon....)

TheUltimateSin
02-06-2006, 01:58 PM
^F*ck Yeah. :golfclap:

PooKoo
02-06-2006, 02:28 PM
both of them, excellent, especially wil's.

PooKoo
02-07-2006, 07:04 PM
alright apoc, lets write one, just pm me any idea or start, and ill write ya one back, we cant let this die.

apocalypse13
02-07-2006, 08:57 PM
Alright I keep putting it off. Either tonight or tomorrow I promise. :)

OnlytheLonely
02-13-2006, 01:47 PM
love the part how Joe doesn't want to kill the turtle

mr_clapton
02-26-2006, 02:11 AM
Once upon a time long long ago Jimi Hendrix made a proffecy(sp?) about a thread, a thread that would have all the powers jesus did. Now the fortune has come true, the thread has been
REVIVED
































:devil:

wil
02-28-2006, 07:24 AM
^^^i doubt anyone's even interested anymore, but what the hell...

TWO WEEKS AFTER THE DENVER G3 TOUR

Yngwie Malmsteen lay in his medieval style four poster bed in his mock 15th century castle, candles lit up the room and he began to feel inspired. He imagined he was a soldier, a mercenary, albeit a gallant one, who would slaughter any man if the price were right. Yngwie imagined galloping through a hazy glen--accompanied by lute music--in misty England on his trusty black steed only to be confronted by a Dragon, or maybe a Green Knight. Just as Yngwie was about to behead the apparition, his Stratocaster shaped telephone rang.
' Who the fook is this?' He thought angrily, as he was just composing a harmonic minor melody in his head when the ringtone of Paganini's 5th caprice awoke him from his fantasy...
' Hello...' He barked in his queer dialect.
' Hi, Yngwie, it's Joe.' Said a friendly sounding voice.
' Joe who?' Yngwie was getting tired of this exchange already.
' Satriani, remember me?'
' Oh yeah. How are you?' Yngwie replied through gritted teeth- he felt the melody slipping away from him.
' Great, i'm in Japan at the moment promoting my new album, ' Is There Love in Space?' '
' Oh...great.'
' Did you like the copy i gave you on the G3 tour?'
Yngwie lifted up his 13th century style Dutch flaggon of ale which had been sitting on the said CD and took a hearty swig; ' Umm...yeah, it's great...'
' Well, everyone's going crazy about it over here.'
' Good for you.' Yngwie replied, he personally thought it was a pretty stupid title; in his eyes, shred records should be agressively titled, like Marching Out or Rising Force.
' Hey you know what? I heard Far Beyond the Sun on the radio over here.'
' Really?' Yngwie didnt care less, he never listened to the radio, it made him feel sick.
'Yeah, we're thinking of bringing the next G3 tour over here, these japs sure do love instrumental virtuoso music.'
Yngwie's eared pricked up, ' Well, Joe, you know i'd love to play over there...' All he was really thinking about was the money it would bring in, as he couldnt justify spending three hundred thousand dollars on an authentic moat to surround his castle at the moment...
' Well, actually Yngwie, we weren't going to ask you, we were thinking of asking John Petrucci from Dream Theatre...'
' Who???' Yngwie was annoyed now, what kind of name was that anyhow? Were they some contemporary punk band or something?
' Well, he's a real talented guy, and we sort of want to...diversify...'
Diversify? Who the hell did this guy think he was? Yngwie had released 25 albums, each one different from the other, how much more diverse did he want? He considered a verbal tirade on the bald headed bastard, telling him that if he wanted to diversify then he should stop using pentatonic scales with lame bluesy runs. He wanted to say that his legato playing was awful, like a focking saxophone or something, that he should using some rapid fire alternate picking to give his playing some emotion---Yngwie was unaware of Joe's attempts at super fast alt picking told in the story above---and he really wanted to lampoon Vai's playing. ' I have perfect pitch you Italian bastard, and i can tell you, your bends are ALL out of tune'; he wanted to scream.
In the end however, Yngwie politely said that it was Ok, as he was working on a new album anyway---he thought that maybe they'd ask him on the NEXT one, as there were also some genuine Arthurian suits of armour that he thought would look great in his cavernous hallway which he had spotted on eBay, so he could use the money.
' Ok, thanks Yngwie, and hey, no hard feelings...'
Yngwie hung up the phone on the bald headed hypocrite... He thought back to the G3 jam, where he had put is heart and soul into singing and playing Voodoo Chile while the other two constantly tried to overshadow his inspired neoclassical take on the song with their repetitive blues cliches...Oh well he thought, after letting out a mighty belch--the result of that evening's authentic banquet--maybe i'll write an album in retaliation to ' Is there Love on the Moon' or whatever that pansy Satriani had called his latest release, something aggressive, something dark, like, ' Unleash the Fury'...Ynwgie blew out the candles and returned to his medieval fantasy, where he was rescuing a maiden from a besieged fort...

TheUltimateSin
02-28-2006, 07:45 AM
^Not interested anymore? Hell no. This thread is friggen sweet.

wil
02-28-2006, 07:52 AM
i think its got great potential, but no-one really gives a great amount of feedback or contributions...

TheUltimateSin
02-28-2006, 08:21 AM
I think I burned myself out with mine on the first page. If I come up with a halfway decent one I'll throw it on here. I'm still waiting to see apoc and PooKoo's combined story. That'll be interesting if tney get it done.

wil
02-28-2006, 08:34 AM
The thing is, i cant seem to come up with one for Vai---i could write Satch and Yngwie ones all day, but Vai...i don't know...

Scorzerci
02-28-2006, 09:46 AM
I'm interested but I'm simply not creative.

aussieguitarman
03-28-2006, 06:56 AM
you guys run out of ideas or something?

this threads awsome

PooKoo
03-28-2006, 07:52 AM
whoa dude, howd you find this? i searched for it for like, 10 minutes and couldnt find it.

TheUltimateSin
03-28-2006, 09:23 AM
:eek: Could it be....the original?? I though this was long gone....

YtseJams20
03-28-2006, 12:17 PM
I just read the whole thread! excelent work though i noticed yngwie has defeated alot of enemy's but optimus prime is too far. i rekon optimus'd have yingwie

ShredDemon
03-28-2006, 02:11 PM
It was a dark day in music history. Battle was about to be waged. But how and when? In the realm of music and its many affiliants and factions. There was one faction called the "Shredi", keeper of all things virtuosic. They were the few, the 1337 and could pwn many in the face. But their numbers were dwindling over the years.
But even among these great powerful men there was a division. The Dark Shredi and the Light Shredi. Each with opposing views on many things. But on this fateful day of music, the two warring subfactions came together to fight the plague of the musical fad....

EMOTIVE HARDCORE!

"We can charge them, fight them, and defeat them easily! They are weak and narrow minded!" Yelled Jeff Loomis in a fiery rage. He was a very aggressive dark shredi. Steve Vai, a member of the Masterful Council of the Light Shredi was shaking his head, "No Loomis, we can't, our numbers are to thin, and they have their allies, the Hardcore Kiddies to overwhelm us.". Jani looked confused, and said, "But master Vai, then what are we to do if we can not fly with the eagles and attack at the rising sun over the hills and far away?..." Right after he finished speaking an alarm went off and Yngwie Malmsteen, a Master Dark Shredi came running through the doors making a loud thud as the door hit the wall. Everyone turned there heads in surprise. The other Master Shredis, both dark and light, stood up.

He was huffing and puffing, barely still breathing. He had his guitar in his hand, charged with its dark shredi power. "There fooking here!" another huff and puff, he was keeling over, "..the....the emo kids..and...they've got...", he could barely finish, he was falling closer and closer on the floor using his guitar as a crutch, kneeling. "They've got....fooking....they've got fooking doughnuts!!!" and then right there Yngwie Malmsteen fell on the ground, with a doughnutty glazed eyes in his look.

The whole council was in shock. How did they figure out where there secret meeting was? Someone had betrayed them and he was somewhere in the room but nobody knew who. Al Di Meola who was sitting next to Vai stood and spoke. "Someone take Malmsteen to the infirmary! Everyone to their battle stations! Arm yourselves for they will be upon us soon!" People started clamoring down from their seats reaching for and getting out their guitars. They stuck the biggest metal men, memebers of the Dark Shredi in the front. Zakk Wylde with his RR V and Kerry King with this spiky guitar and bracelet. Muhammad with his too spikey guitar was with them. THey all stood in front of the door waiting....

There was 2 minutes of complete silence. Nobody knew what was going to happen. Then suddenly there was a piecing scream, a cry for a dieing love one and then the emo kids slammed through the door with their gay hair and started screeching throwing fooking doughnuts! The metal men at the front started hacking away and playing chromatic death songs upon their enemies but they were failing to hold them. There were too many and the stickyness of the glazed doughnuts were slowind them down, they couldn't continue on much longer.

The shredi were loosing men quickly. They couldn't hold them much longer. The Masters were meeting behind the line discussing what to do.

"We are loosing men." claimed Michael Angelo. "So I see" responded Vai. "We have only one choice, to retreat and regroup at another meeting place." They nodded in silence. In agreement. Even the Dark Shredi did not argue as they knew they had to leave. "I'll hold them off said Vai, get them to the escape ships" The Michael Arkefedlt went to go send the orders to the dark shredi men as the dark shredi would never listen to a Light Shredi on such a matter. Shawn Lane went to tell the light shredi. Vai stood on top of a podium and started playing a beautiful improvised peice. It mesmerized the emo kids, they stopped moving and just stood there. This was there chance to leave. Everyone ran to the emergency exit and left. Vai stepped into a portal he created. The meeting was abandon and many shredi had fallen at the battle.

Coming through the door after Vai left was the leaders of the Poppy-Emo Brigade and their Hardcore Kiddies. The lead singer of Fall Out Boy was leading this attack, with his trusty assistant, the dumbass from Simple Plan.

"So what do we do now?" asked the dumbass from Simple Plan. The Fall Out Boy dickwad looked around, and smiled, "We keep chasing them, they can't fight us, we'll fight them into the ground and get rid of them once and all, we'll rule the musical scene with no interferance from the Shredi Masters. And then....we will RULE THE WORLD!!" And as he said the last statement, there was sterotypical crash of lightning and it started raining outside.

To Be Continued...if I can find the time...

BTW thoughts on the story? Do you guys want a real storyline (slightly ****ty but I do what I can ^_^) or just random bull****? I thought the random bull**** would get old fast so I took another approach. Good or no?


This is good I want the next installment!!!

Jalapwnage
03-29-2006, 04:13 AM
The thing is, i cant seem to come up with one for Vai---i could write Satch and Yngwie ones all day, but Vai...i don't know...

I'm writing a Vai one ;)

TheUltimateSin
03-29-2006, 09:44 AM
I just read the whole thread! excelent work though i noticed yngwie has defeated alot of enemy's but optimus prime is too far. i rekon optimus'd have yingwie

No way. Yngwie > Optimus Prime. However, Kool-Aid Man > Yngwie > Optimus Prime. I should make a part 2 where this happens..........................................

Jalapwnage
03-29-2006, 05:01 PM
The Road That Should Have Never Been Crossed...
A Slightly Homoerotic Tale About Steve Vai and His Purple Shades

The steely grey of early dawn of 1991 was never a pleasant sight for Yngwie Malmsteen. That?s why this story isn?t about him. Our story is about a man who, unlike any other man, wears purple shades to bed. This man is Steven H. Vai. The world has yet to figure out what the ?H? in his name stands for. Some say ?Holy?, some say ?Hernandez?, and yet others say that it stands for nothing at all, and was just inserted there because ?Steve Vai? is a very informal name, and having the letter ?H? put in there would make it more formal. Whatever the reason is, Steven always wore his purple shades to bed?

The dull thud of dying rain struck upon the roof, its pitter-patter growing softer and softer, with more pauses in between them. The sun, barely cracking the surface of the sky, was still eclipsed by the ticking of time, holding it back. Steve Vai awoke with a start, alarmed at the sudden quietness that had filled his brain, for you see, Steve was always dreaming. And his dreams all had to do with cake and aliens, and occasionally, guitars with handles. Steve never had quiet dreams, and the only time he could remember having a quiet night was when his goldfish, Guppy, had died. He looked about himself in a daze, struggling to remember what had been the last thing he had dreamed. He had been falling, falling forever and ever into a black pit surrounded by little green men and bad horsies. Getting out of bed, he slipped into his fuzzy purple slippers and shuffled over to his purple curtains. He sighed, knowing that it was going to be a bad day right from the get-go. He had no idea just how bad it would be. Drawing the curtains open, he shielded his eyes from the grey of the sky?wait?something wasn?t right?he never shielded his eyes from anything?his shades usually did that for him. He felt around his face for a while, dumbfounded. His mind had been fighting to accept what his fingers knew was true?his purple shades were not anywhere on his face. He dashed over to his bed and ran his fingers across the bedside table, but no?they were not there.

After going through his whole house twice, Steve decided that his favorite shades weren?t anywhere to be found. Bewildered and enraged, he brushed his teeth and washed his face, preparing to go out and look for his missing shades, when suddenly, a strange thought occurred to him. He remembered how that little shit from the Karate Kid had always admired his shades during the Crossroads movie, and when he caught him sniffing them when Steve came back from recording both guitar parts for that scene when that kid supposedly kicks Steve?s ass. ?Aha!? He shouted, to no one in particular, and picked up a guitar. ?That kid is gonna receive a firm lesson in shreducation!? He then proceeded to play a 7 minute wah solo for no apparent reason. He went into his bedroom and put on a leopard-spotted ruffle shirt and tight leather pants and found a pair of boots that he hadn?t worn for a while, and departed on his journey.

Stepping outside of his house, he realized that he would have to make a few stops before he would be able to defeat the Karate Kid and reclaim his glasses. He took off at a full sprint, pulled out two JEM?s that he had stuffed in his pockets, grabbed each by the handle, and then, at full speed, jumped into the air and took off, the headstocks shooting out music at 628 nps, the equivalent of 392 m/h. At an ascent, he finally reached the ultra zone, and increased his speed to 3,295 nps, or 2,059 m/h. Now flying over the Atlantic, Steve shifted his direction slightly more northward. He was going to visit another member of the Board of Shreducation; he was going to visit?Yngwie Malmsteen, known by his enemies as?The Malminator. He knew that Yngwie would know exactly what had to be done to defeat the Karate Kid, and he knew that Yngwie would have no mercy against this kid. (Yngwie hates kids, you see, especially ones that don?t know how to channel their focking fury.) Now directly over Iceland, Steve decided that he was moving way too slowly, and accelerated to light speed, and once he was over Norway, he decreased speed back to ultra. Beginning his descent, he recalled the conversation he had with Yngwie before he had left the house. ?Hey, Yngwie, it?s Steve.?
?Steve! How are you? Calling to ask me if I can tour with G3 again??
?Actually, no Yngwie, me and Joe have had a falling out, and I?ve refused to tour with G3 for a while.?
?No! Really? *muffled snickering*?
?I?m afraid so, Yngwie.?
?Oh well, can?t win ?em all, eh Steve??
?I guess not. Listen, Yngwie, the reason I called was to tell you that someone has stolen my purple shades.?
?*choking noise* Focking doughnuts! Err?ahh?I mean?what? Who??
?The Karate Kid?
?Fly your ass over here, ASAP!?
*click-click*
Now, standing in front of Yngwie?s parents? gingerbread house, Steve wondered why the fuck Yngwie was visiting family anyhow. He hated his parents more than he claimed to hate focking doughnuts. He knocked on the door, and heard someone?s heavy boots clopping louder and louder. Finally, the door opened up, and someone who looked strikingly like Yngwie, but with a handlebar moustache appeared. He looked something like this:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b369/Frnz/yngstache.jpg
Steve looked at the man and said, ?I?m here to speak to Yngiwie?is he here at the moment?? The man looked at Steve with contempt and shut the door in his face. A few seconds later, Steve heard someone else coming to the door and sighed. Damned Swedes he thought, glaring at the door. A second later, Yngwie appeared in the doorway, shouted something Swedish, and shut the door. Before Steve even had a chance to greet him, Yngwie hopped on his Stratocaster and flew off, calling, ?come on! I know a safe place for us to talk!? Jumping on a single JEM this time, Steve hurried after Yngwie, who was headed towards town. Once they landed, Steve asked Yngwie what this was all about. ?You?ll see.? Was all Yngwie came back with, and started to walk towards a place called The Malmsteen Inn. When they stepped through the door, Steve did a double take. Not only was the Inn full of people, but they weren?t just any people. John Petrucci was sitting in a booth with Ozzy?s guitarist, Zakk Wylde, and Jason Becker and Marty Friedman were in the back, jamming together in a cacophony of sound and noise. Joe Satriani was knocking back tequila with?some guy with a red beard. Not only that, but they were greeted by Shawn Lane and Michael-Angelo Batio and pulled onto a podium at the front of the Inn?

END OF PART ONE
More to come tomorrow if I have the time...

Erc
03-29-2006, 07:40 PM
^Dude well written story! Good stuff =)


EDIT --> I loved the title of the story btw, awesome ^_^

pye phyo ko
03-29-2006, 07:56 PM
dude's yngwie is cool as hell. his speed is like hardly reacheable man. hey any of you guys know any skill that is similar to yngwie skill. like real hard solos man.

Godly Moose
03-29-2006, 08:21 PM
lol this thread is great, and wonderful it needs to be stickied.


dude's yngwie is cool as hell. his speed is like hardly reacheable man. hey any of you guys know any skill that is similar to yngwie skill. like real hard solos man.

You do know this is the shred forum....


Also someone needs to do one on Lane, Thal, or MAB's hair.


EDIT: wtf who changed my buckethead avatar to System Of A Down
EDITX2: wtf they changed my signature from my two quotes to nothing... have to find the quotes now...

Jalapwnage
03-30-2006, 03:32 AM
Dammit! I forgot to include MAB!

*includes him discreetly*

^Dude well written story! Good stuff =)


EDIT --> I loved the title of the story btw, awesome ^_^

Haha, thanks man

TheUltimateSin
03-30-2006, 09:29 AM
^That story was teh pwn man.

rayIII
03-30-2006, 10:30 PM
The Day Chuck Norris met Yngwie...

One time as a boy, Chuck Norris tried to steal Yngwies strat.


Yngwie fucked him up.

The End :)
http://irtheleo.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/unleash0furysmall.jpg

Csquared1001
03-31-2006, 12:04 AM
Steve vai's father

one day steve vai relized that he didn't know who is dad was so he began searching. first he thought yngwie malmsteen was his daddy so he went to give him a hug and yngwie didn't seem to mind until all of a sudden his pants ripped. That's when vai left because he knew it would get ugly. next he went to sacth and tried to hug himm when he did satch pissed his pants and his hair fell out. vai ran for his life. then he went to chris impellitteri and asked him if he was his dad he said that he would only tell him if he challenged buckethead to a sonic deul and won. so vai ent to bucketheadland and found buckethead focking some chickens. then buckethead angry for disturbing him fought him in a sonic deul. vai lost and just before buckethead killed him he took off the bucket and said "Vai i am your father, your mother is a chicken" vai yelled noooooo and went home to cry.

the end

TheUltimateSin
03-31-2006, 12:24 AM
^Dude, that story would have been so much cooler if you had said something along the lines of "there was a heavy breathing sound eminating from beneath the bucket on Buckethead's head. In a deep voice that brought guitar nooblets to their knees he said 'Steve...I am your father.'" You should have thrown the whole Vader angle in there. :no:

bucky_2300
03-31-2006, 12:53 AM
Jesus, this is like slash fiction for shredders. Anyway, my second story.

Yngwie & Joe
The Search For Steve


Denver, Colorado, USA
12:20 PM - G3 '03 Soundcheck

"Where is that whammy-abusing SOB?"

Joe Satriani was pissed. It was the soundcheck on the day of the G3 concert in Denver - the day of the concert that was being filmed for the DVD release, no less - and Steve Vai was missing.

Joe cast his eyes about the stage. The techs were doing their thing, checking amps and effects, making sure monitors were properly adjusted, and discussing the Trouble With Tribbles episode of Star Trek. Yngwie was off in the corner, swearing to himself and pursing his lips at the mic stand while striking poses. Joe sighed. Yngwie refused to take off his aviators, even in the darkened hall, and appeared to think that the mic stand was a photographer.

However, Steve was nowhere to be seen. Joe stomped backstage, hoping to see his old friend back there. But he didn't. What he did see was Steve's guitar rack - with Evo still on it.

This set alarm bells off in Joe's head. If Steve was doing anything - getting some food, playing with Pia, even taking a dump - Evo was either with him, or in a specially designed crib, with a mobile that played Tender Surrender. Steve was weird that way.
But Evo was on the rack, and Steve was nowhere to be seen.

Joe squinted his eyes, and put on a very thoughtful, yet deadly glare. Even through his trademark sunglasses, and with his hat hiding his eyebrows, Joe's glare was enough to vaporise a tech that was standing nearby.

"AIEEEEEEEE!"

Joe turned around, and yelled to Yngwie.

"Hey, Yng--"

"FUCK OFF! I'm practicing my ninja kicks, and---oh, hey Joe. What's wrong?"

"Steve's missing, and Evo is on the guitar rack."

"For the Love of God!"

"Yngwie..."

"Sorry. But really, this is serious. Do you have any idea where he could have gone?"

"No, none at all. He went to get some brunch at about eleven though, and I haven't seen him since."

Yngwie stroked his beard (he grew it in 0.23 seconds - just for that moment, so that he could stroke it) and thought.

"If Steve was going to go for brunch, there's only one thing that he'd have, and that's a peanut butter and honey sandwich, the honey being from his bees. And there's only one place in Denver that sells his bees' honey - Favored Nations Foods. I bet that he went there."

Joe looked at Yngwie, an incredulous expression upon his surprisingly youthful visage.

"Jesus Yngwie, you just shortened this story by at least a page!"

Yngwie shrugged and gave a sheepish smile, before rapidly recovering from this show of mirth, pursing his lips, doing a ninja kick, and finishing off with a pelvic thrust at the mic stand.

Joe shook his head.

"Come on, Yngwie, we're going to Favored Nations Foods."

They started walking over to the store, and made rapid progress through the Denver streets. They stopped only to sign a couple of autographs, and for Joe to help a down and out teddy bear in Chicago.

http://www.satriani.com/gallery/2003_G3/DSCN3716.jpg
(Joe detected the bear using his Super Teddy Senses, developed through years of being father to ZZ Satriani.)

When they reached Favored Nations, Joe pushed the door open, and Yngwie leapt through, doing ninja kicks wildly and yelling.

"THE FURY IS SCREAMING AND HEAVEN IS FALLING, I FEEL IT COMING ON STRONG! THE LIGHTING STRIKES *ninja kick* CRACKING THE NIGHT, I'M NOT THE SAME ANYMORRRRREEEEEEEEE, NO! THUNDER AND SPARK *ninja kick* IN THE HEART OF THE DARK! I FEEL A RISING FORCE!!!1 *ninja kick, fall to knees, open Em on air guitar*."

Steve looked up from the counter, where he was eating a peanut butter and honey sandwich.

"Hey guys. What's up?"

Joe rolled his eyes.

"Thanks a lot, Captain Anti-Climax. We were about to start an epic quest for you, starting here."

Steve shrugged, and took another bite of his sandwich. Yngwie scowled, and pulled up his leather pants, before adjusting his cowboy boots and Braveheart-style shirt.

Ten seconds of silence passed. Then, Steve looked up and said; "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. There haven't been any ticket sales at all for tonight's G3 show - none at all. So I figured I'd come over here and eat some PB&H instead of wasting my time at soundcheck."

Joe and Yngwie's jaws dropped.

"No ticket sales at all?"

"Not a one."

Yngwie leapt in the air, and thunder sounded. "We shall stage a gigantic promotional jam outside of the venue, and save the show!"

Joe and Steve looked at each other, and shrugged.

"It's worth a shot, let's grab our gear and go."

The End


EDIT: You think that's a crappy ending to the story? Well how do you think the night ended up working out? Here's a hint:

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0001CCY0G.01._SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

YtseJams20
03-31-2006, 07:45 PM
i heard they said to steve... "being the most young and atractive looking, you must go forth and find the young shred fans of denver and coax them into joining our night of fret doodeling else we wont be able to pay our chefs and groundkeepers this month" hearing this steve, still high from all the honey, ran outside shouting and raving untill he was swarmed with fat guys shouting 'STEVIE VAI' who he gave a few signitures and free tickets. in a whole, the night was a sucsess and joe lived happily ever after.

thetearsibleed
03-31-2006, 09:58 PM
this is my paul gilbert story which is a piece od sh*t but meh its late..,

Paul gilbert was racing down the freeway in his car; the x-mobile, when he saw a sign for a peformance at a local club that night, it read; LOCAL SHRED HERO PLAYS THE IMPOSSIBLE. Since paul was looking for a challenge he went to the club that night. Paul was feeling very street lethal that night and brought his guitar with him? as soon as he walked in he saw this ?shredder? playing a squire strat through a marshall MG. disgusted paul decided something had to be done. Once the guitarist was done playing his greenday shred **** paul went on stage and painted a big ass f-u hole on both sides of the posers strat. He then told this young guitarist to play as fast as he could. Since the guitarist was being a faggot saying how he had heard paul gilbert and how he had sucked paul told him to play a racer x song?the ?shredder? tried, but as he was having some technical difficulties paul decided to blow up the radio because ppl wer recording this. Paul played loud and clear as his playing drifted into the night. He then shoved his guitar up the dirty posers ass and knocked him dead with a laney head. He then went for a haircut and the retarded barber cut too much off and that brings us to today?


i know i kinda milked it but meh:)

Cheesepuff
04-01-2006, 09:41 AM
Uber bump

ShredDemon
04-01-2006, 02:34 PM
Anybody interested in a story bout Yngwie pwning Billy Joel???

Jalapwnage
04-01-2006, 03:07 PM
Always

ShredDemon
04-02-2006, 09:17 AM
So One day Yngwie was sleeping in his castle and fantasising about killing dragons , the n00b siren went off. He says:
"What the fook was that! Computer show nme the location of the noob!"
A computer pops out of the wall and displays the location of the n00b , Malmsteen jumps on his favorite Cream Strat and flys off to the noob. He lands at Billy Joel's house who was talking with the guy from Good Charlotte and Tom Delonge from Blink. He jumps off his gfavorite strat ans says: "prepare to meet j00r doom n00bs!" and summons Niccoló Paganini and JS Bach.
Billy joel says "nice try but we are more talented then you guys" - BAch's head blows up
"Just watch"-Says the good charlotte guy and plays a powerchord. Paganini gets steamed up and unleashes his anger at him and strangles him with a violin string, then he makes 2 other string snap and plays the 5th Caprice on the remaining string, Tom Delonge freaks out cus Paganini was in tune and played stuff without powerchords and rips his own head off and Paganini snaps his remaining violin string and disappears. Billy Joel is really scared , but he remembers the donuts in his pocket. He whispers to Yngwie "Um do you want a donut???"
Yngwie: "DONUT?!?!?! I DONT EAT NO FOOKIN DONUTS , YOUVE UNLEASHED THE FOOKIN FJORY YOU MIDGET , YOUVE UNLEASHED THE FOOKIN FJORY!!" and gets his guitar and plays an awesome solo in E harmonic minor at 300bpm
and kicks BJ in the head with a ninja kick at the same time. BJ is kicked Far Beyonmd the Sun and dies a horrible death , and all punk kidies on earth commit suicide , and nobody lives happily ever after , not even Yngwie cus his in shock because someone dared to offer him donuts.
THE END

TheUltimateSin
04-02-2006, 11:08 AM
^:haha beautiful

Beckerism
04-02-2006, 11:28 AM
So One day Yngwie was sleeping in his castle and fantasising about killing dragons , the n00b siren went off. He says:
"What the fook was that! Computer show nme the location of the noob!"
A computer pops out of the wall and displays the location of the n00b , Malmsteen jumps on his favorite Cream Strat and flys off to the noob. He lands at Billy Joel's house who was talking with the guy from Good Charlotte and Tom Delonge from Blink. He jumps off his gfavorite strat ans says: "prepare to meet j00r doom n00bs!" and summons Niccoló Paganini and JS Bach.
Billy joel says "nice try but we are more talented then you guys" - BAch's head blows up
"Just watch"-Says the good charlotte guy and plays a powerchord. Paganini gets steamed up and unleashes his anger at him and strangles him with a violin string, then he makes 2 other string snap and plays the 5th Caprice on the remaining string, Tom Delonge freaks out cus Paganini was in tune and played stuff without powerchords and rips his own head off and Paganini snaps his remaining violin string and disappears. Billy Joel is really scared , but he remembers the donuts in his pocket. He whispers to Yngwie "Um do you want a donut???"
Yngwie: "DONUT?!?!?! I DONT EAT NO FOOKIN DONUTS , YOUVE UNLEASHED THE FOOKIN FJORY YOU MIDGET , YOUVE UNLEASHED THE FOOKIN FJORY!!" and gets his guitar and plays an awesome solo in E harmonic minor at 300bpm
and kicks BJ in the head with a ninja kick at the same time. BJ is kicked Far Beyonmd the Sun and dies a horrible death , and all punk kidies on earth commit suicide , and nobody lives happily ever after , not even Yngwie cus his in shock because someone dared to offer him donuts.
THE END


:haha

crazygluedmybut
04-03-2006, 12:53 PM
So One day Yngwie was sleeping in his castle and fantasising about killing dragons , the n00b siren went off. He says:
"What the fook was that! Computer show nme the location of the noob!"
A computer pops out of the wall and displays the location of the n00b , Malmsteen jumps on his favorite Cream Strat and flys off to the noob. He lands at Billy Joel's house who was talking with the guy from Good Charlotte and Tom Delonge from Blink. He jumps off his gfavorite strat ans says: "prepare to meet j00r doom n00bs!" and summons Niccoló Paganini and JS Bach.
Billy joel says "nice try but we are more talented then you guys" - BAch's head blows up
"Just watch"-Says the good charlotte guy and plays a powerchord. Paganini gets steamed up and unleashes his anger at him and strangles him with a violin string, then he makes 2 other string snap and plays the 5th Caprice on the remaining string, Tom Delonge freaks out cus Paganini was in tune and played stuff without powerchords and rips his own head off and Paganini snaps his remaining violin string and disappears. Billy Joel is really scared , but he remembers the donuts in his pocket. He whispers to Yngwie "Um do you want a donut???"
Yngwie: "DONUT?!?!?! I DONT EAT NO FOOKIN DONUTS , YOUVE UNLEASHED THE FOOKIN FJORY YOU MIDGET , YOUVE UNLEASHED THE FOOKIN FJORY!!" and gets his guitar and plays an awesome solo in E harmonic minor at 300bpm
and kicks BJ in the head with a ninja kick at the same time. BJ is kicked Far Beyonmd the Sun and dies a horrible death , and all punk kidies on earth commit suicide , and nobody lives happily ever after , not even Yngwie cus his in shock because someone dared to offer him donuts.
THE END

i believe you've mixed billy JOE up with billy JOEL.

Godly Moose
04-03-2006, 12:56 PM
i believe you've mixed billy JOE up with billy JOEL.

ROFL :haha

ShredDemon
04-03-2006, 01:53 PM
Sry I didnt what BJAs name is just that he had some redneck-like name.

PooKoo
04-03-2006, 02:38 PM
um no, the joke is that hes uhhh.... **** it, lol, its too funny as it is.

cliff_em_all
04-03-2006, 07:12 PM
One day yngwie found the E harmonic scale.

The end.

Resiliance
04-03-2006, 08:04 PM
Great stories guys, but to those that don't already: please, please, please use proper text formatting, punctuation and such in your stories.

Please.

Save a kitten.

Please.

TheUltimateSin
04-03-2006, 08:32 PM
I'm going to have to agree with Master Resi. Although I personally was able to determine where some of you intended to stop a sentence, not everyone is me(and that's for the best.). Please, for the sake of the story, proofread?









Pretty Please? I'll give you one of these: :lurk:

Cheesepuff
05-24-2006, 08:35 AM
I really like this thread. I must bump it. *ultimate-bumpage.lol*

apocalypse13
05-24-2006, 04:16 PM
So One day Yngwie was sleeping in his castle and fantasising about killing dragons , the n00b siren went off. He says:
"What the fook was that! Computer show nme the location of the noob!"
A computer pops out of the wall and displays the location of the n00b , Malmsteen jumps on his favorite Cream Strat and flys off to the noob. He lands at Billy Joel's house who was talking with the guy from Good Charlotte and Tom Delonge from Blink. He jumps off his gfavorite strat ans says: "prepare to meet j00r doom n00bs!" and summons Niccoló Paganini and JS Bach.
Billy joel says "nice try but we are more talented then you guys" - BAch's head blows up
"Just watch"-Says the good charlotte guy and plays a powerchord. Paganini gets steamed up and unleashes his anger at him and strangles him with a violin string, then he makes 2 other string snap and plays the 5th Caprice on the remaining string, Tom Delonge freaks out cus Paganini was in tune and played stuff without powerchords and rips his own head off and Paganini snaps his remaining violin string and disappears. Billy Joel is really scared , but he remembers the donuts in his pocket. He whispers to Yngwie "Um do you want a donut???"
Yngwie: "DONUT?!?!?! I DONT EAT NO FOOKIN DONUTS , YOUVE UNLEASHED THE FOOKIN FJORY YOU MIDGET , YOUVE UNLEASHED THE FOOKIN FJORY!!" and gets his guitar and plays an awesome solo in E harmonic minor at 300bpm
and kicks BJ in the head with a ninja kick at the same time. BJ is kicked Far Beyonmd the Sun and dies a horrible death , and all punk kidies on earth commit suicide , and nobody lives happily ever after , not even Yngwie cus his in shock because someone dared to offer him donuts.
THE END
I just saw this.

:haha

Scorzerci
05-24-2006, 06:01 PM
Apoc what happened to you and Pookoo's joined story?

apocalypse13
05-24-2006, 06:08 PM
Eh, it got delayed a lot.

Procrastination...:(

Mike1109
05-24-2006, 08:25 PM
One day Yngwie's guitar was stolen from his home. So he broke into houses overnight, every night, to unleash the fury on everyone, by scalping their frets.
The End.

Erich yeung
05-24-2006, 11:28 PM
Man all these Yngwie stories are exactly the same, bad references to past incidents or some not so subtle references to song names, E minor Harmonic, blah blah blah. Please try originality guys :peace: Yngwie's a funny man, but it gets old.

TheUltimateSin
05-24-2006, 11:53 PM
^At least mine had Optimus Prime in it. :)

TheUltimateSin
05-25-2006, 12:23 AM
Well boys and girls, I promised a sequal to my awesome story(which is on the first page, those of you who haven't read it for whatever reason), and here it is. Enjoy!
The Chronicles of Yngwie J. Malmsteen.....continued

On a stormy June afternoon on an island in the South Pacific, Yngwie J. Malmsteen and Michael Angelo Batio were engaging in a shred-a-thon contest between themselves on top of a brick wall. The rules were to create the most original piece while only using minor pentatonic scales. All was going well, with the odds tipping in Yngwie's favor after many vigerous hours of competition. But a dark evil was stirring, quite literally. For deep within the wall, a dark sugarless powder was being mixed with murky water inside a glass container. Suddenly, during one of Michael's mid-solo peaks, There burst through the wall an evil and eerie figure: Kool-Aid Man!; and in his hands were pitchers of blood-red Kool-Aid! In a sinister voice, he bellowed "Oh Yeah!" and in an attempt to sabotage Yngwie's guitar, he blasted a wave of red Kool-Aid from his mouth at him. Again, having forseen this event also just as he did with encountering Optimus Prime, Yngwie was prepared. Yngwie broke the rules and played an improvised 3 second solo at 150 nps that did not involve any form of pentatonic scale, and deflected the Kool-Aid back at the evil Kool-Aid Man. Yngwie glared over at Michael and exclaimed "Playing dirty, are you? Take this, you goofy-haired baffoon!", and then he proceeded to play 'No Boundries' to perfection, note for note and at an even higher rate of speed. Not expecting such a thing to be possible, Michael was blow off of the wall in shock and landed in a pile of coconuts where he was buried many feet deep in them. Yngwie then turned to Kool-Aid man and said in a thunderous roar "And you! You've unleashed the focking fury!". Yngwie then played Arpeggios From Hell at 10x the normal speed. The resulting shockwave of such a thing shattered Kool-Aid Man's glass-pitcher body/head and Kool-Aid spattered everywhere, including all over Yngwie's prized Stratocaster. Not able to live with such an unholy thing to happen to his guitar, his head exploded in such a way that would rival most thermo-nuclear weapons to this day. Out of the ashes and debris, a lone red-soaked hand plunged upwards towards the now sunny sky.

The End.

splice
05-25-2006, 12:46 AM
hahahaha^^^^^

no buckethead unmasked yet?

maybe buckethead gets unmasked and turns out he was chuck norris

wil
05-25-2006, 05:49 AM
Man all these Yngwie stories are exactly the same, bad references to past incidents or some not so subtle references to song names, E minor Harmonic, blah blah blah. Please try originality guys :peace: Yngwie's a funny man, but it gets old.

what about mine?? i was quite proud of its originality...

apocalypse13
05-25-2006, 04:40 PM
The Incredibly Excellent Adventures of Michael Angelo Batio

Once upon a time, in 1983, Michael Angelo Batio was looking in the mirror at himself, particularly his hair. He had just got it cut, and it was a buzz cut. He thought, ?Hmmm, this hair is freaking stupid, I think I?m gonna change it.?

He was gonna have to figure out a way to get new hair, so he sat in his hammock and pondered. He fell asleep, and started dreaming. He dreamed of rednecks and talking mushrooms and freaky guitars and mops and space rocks and plumbers and dragons.

He woke up with a vision for his new hair.

He headed out to a scientist?s lair about 3.24566 miles from where he lived. He asked ?, Do you know of anyway I can travel into the future, or imaginary worlds?? The scientist replied ?, Vhy, yeees, I do know ov a vay. Zhere is a time machine zat will transport you to anyvhere in time, space, or ze vorld.? MAB jumped at the opportunity and hopped into the time machine, which could be carried in his pocket when not in use.

He set the clock up 10 years and went on his way, wearing a black vest and a pair of leather pants.

When he got out, he was in Tokyo, right outside of the Nintendo building. He headed inside, and spoke with a janitor. ?Where can I find the manager?s office?? He said. The janitor told him to head to the 37th floor and take a right.

When MAB got there, the manager was doing acid and shrooms, and said, ?MEGAMAN! GET OUT OF HERE OR I?LL VAPORIZE YOU WITH MY LASER RAY 8000!!? After he had calmed down, MAB said, ?What is this place?? The manager let him play Mario. The little mushroom guys especially amazed MAB. He got out the time machine, and transported himself into Mario-Land.

There were little angry mushrooms running around all over the place, some with wings. A flying turtle came down and was going for MAB, but he simply glared at it and it vaporized. He grabbed a vine that shot fireballs, and swatted down a flying fish. He then spotted a mushroom shaped house, and headed for it. He knocked on the door, and a little mushroom guy let him in. They talked for a little while, and MAB eventually told him of his plight with his hair. The mushroom dude said he knew what he could do. He removed his head, and handed it to MAB. He said, ?Put it on your head!? MAB complied, and the mushroom guy grabbed a can of dark brown spray paint. He sprayed the mushroom head on MAB?s head down with it until it was entirely covered. MAB looked in the mirror looked in the mirror and said ?Whoa, this looks groovy, but something?s missing.? MAB thanked the little mushroom guy and jumped onto a magic block, which sent him catapulting high into the air, all the way out of a TV screen and right into the Nintendo office.

He grabbed his time machine and went 12 years further into the future.

When he arrived this time, he was standing in a big city outside of a radio station. He walked inside and spotted a janitor with dreadlocks. He started talking to him and they went to the boiler room, where the janitor lived. The janitor told him his nickname was Joe Dirte (his real name being Joe Dirt), and then told his life story about how he was separated from his parents at the Grand Canyon as a child. He told of his journey to find them, and how he didn?t like them once he finally did find them. He ended his story with a quick reminiscence about how he got new hair. This triggered MAB to start discussing how he was looking for new hair. He told of his adventures in Mario-Land and told him how he got the mushroom shaped haircut he had currently. He then spotted an amazingly awesome wig on the wall. He asked Joe about it, and he said that was his old hair, a permanent wig. MAB said it was insanely cool and was exactly what he was looking for. Joe allowed him to have it, but first dipped it in oil to get it to match his hair color. MAB super glued the wig to his shroom-hair, thanked Joe, and was off on his way once more. He checked the mirror, and said, ?I?m liking how this is shaping up, but there?s still something missing.?


He set the time machine back 19 years and hopped in.

He appeared in Twisted Sister?s empty dressing room in 1986. He glanced over at a table and saw about 27 cans of hair spray. He emptied all of them into his hair, then ran a huge comb through it a few times. It was now huge, about 5 times the size of his head. He checked it out in the mirror, and finally felt satisfied.

He set the time machine to go back 3 years, and ended up back in the scientist?s lair. He thanked the scientist, and drove home, then ran into a tree while distracted from looking at himself in the mirror.

TheUltimateSin
05-25-2006, 11:37 PM
^:eek: So that's how it happened? ......:golfclap: bravo.


by the way...any hopes in that joined story with PK?

wil
05-26-2006, 06:52 AM
He thanked the scientist, and drove home, then ran into a tree while distracted from looking at himself in the mirror.[/QUOTE]


The best bit! :cheers:

Cheesepuff
05-28-2006, 12:03 PM
Not really a shredder but ,what the hell.

This is meant to be more of a story than funny, so here it goes.

MetalliTales.
"We kick Veggietales' ass!"

Episode I :
How Kirk got his Wah A.K.A. the Da Hammet Code


It was a dark, cold day in the history of Music, James has just spawned the idea of the Black Album *GASP!*. And Metallica was going to meet at their meeting place at that KFC near Walmart. And Kirk was late. "Where the hell is he?" Lars asked, "And what the hell are you doing James?","Hold on dude, I'm hungry, I'm just getting some chicken!" James replied. "Welcome to Bucke-, I mean KFC", the waiter said. The waiter was very strange, he had a mask, a KFC bucket on his head, and an eerie robotic voice."Ok, I'll have 2 number 1's and a large Pepsi", James said ,"What do you want, guys?" he asked.

Jason Newstead tipped his head back, and said "weeeeed..". James then angrily yelled at him "I told you, we're an ALCOHOLIC BAND YOU DIP****!", then turned to Lars and said, "What do you want?". "Beerrrrr", Lars said. Then James replied ."O, Rly?" Then Lars said "Ya, Rly!". Just then Kirk walked in.

Kirk was drenched in the rain from the storm and whispered in James' ear "I think I need a new Wah pedal". James turned and said "No, man your solo's are fine without it, you don't need one", then Kirk said "Buy me one or I will give Yngwie a donut!", Yngwie was incidentally complaining to the guy in the pastry store next to them about their products. James then hesitated then said in a scared voice ,"O-o-o-k-kkay..".

Later that day, James and Kirk went to their local guitar shop...

"How may I help you?" asked the store clerk, who looked like Jason Newstead."My name is Pick'n'Smile" (No infringement. Take THAT!). James said "Okay, Jasoon... give me one of them newfangled wah pedals you have for my friend Kirk ove-, WTF?". Kirk was giggling while pretending to play the JEM near the back of the store. "Hey don't touch that! It's very expensive! You break it you bought it!". Kirk then stopped and apologized. Then, James said, "I'm sorry, Kirk is usually more MATURE *stares at Kirk for a second* but I gave him a slice of Pizza today so I guess it's my fault".Pick'n'Smile said "Okay so, you want a wah pedal? K, here's one *lifts a pedal onto the counter* , it's really cheap, but it has mystical properties that make it very addicting. Perhaps.. too... addicting."."How much is it?"James asked."50 cents",he replied. James said "Wow, when you mean cheap you MEAN it!". James then handed over the money took the wah pedal and Dragged Kirk from the Ludwig? drumset he was banging his hands on.


Even Later that night, After the rest of Metallica were asleep, Kirk sneaked out and plugged his guitar to his TS-1 then the TS-1 to his new Mystical Wah, and his Wah into his Amp, and he turned it on. Suddenly, there was a voice, "KIRK HAMMET!!" the voice bellowed, "Yes?" Kirk replied. "This wah pedal is the first wah pedal ever, it has been handed down through the centuries through the Organization first made in 1099 called, The Priory of Zion, it is a gift given to you by the Grandmaster himself, Pick'n'Smile, who is incidentally, doing a sex rite with Vida Guerra right now, and YOU'RE MAKING ME MISS IT! So just use this wah pedal in all your solos ,and you will be named the greatest guitarist in history! Okay bye now, off to see Pick'n'Smile fu- I mean, doing a sex rite with Vida guerra. Bye now~!"



The Wah demon obviously lied, but the Ibanose tracking system in the tube screamer caught him, put him in a pokeball, mailed him in 39 cent leetness to Ohio, and turned him into the weeping demon pedal. And the rest, as they say, is history.

im_hungry
05-28-2006, 03:20 PM
^:haha

get-born
05-28-2006, 05:32 PM
one day steve vai was walking down the street with his axxxx, and this kid was like "hey, arent you steve vai?" and he was like, "no" and he stabbed him...

public property
05-28-2006, 07:14 PM
Steve vai is violent...he'd just smile and the kids head would explode. True story.

mr_clapton
05-29-2006, 02:43 AM
thats nothing some say every time he he sucks in his cheeks he sucks the soul of another guitarist! :o

Cheesepuff
05-29-2006, 07:04 AM
Once Steve Vai accidentaly sucked Yngwie's soul while eating a donut. Yngwie Exploded and died. Then Steve Vai said "Mmm.. Yngwie tastes like pop-rocks.."

JimmyStradlin33
05-29-2006, 05:11 PM
Yngwie vs Gary Coleman
It was a boring sunday afternoon. Yngwie was tired and grumpy, and worst of all bored. He'd seen one magazine with Slash on the front cover showing off his nipples to pick up a guitar so decided to see what satch was up to.
Yngwie: Hey satch u wanna come round?
Satch: Um hey yngwie i'd love too but i can't...
Yngwie: Why not?
Satch:Umm well... i've got to go to the opticians
Yngwie: I didn't know you needed glasses!
Satch: Well yeh. I do now. Bye
Even grumpier now, Yngwie decided to watch T.V. The t.v came on and there he was. Gary Coleman. Yngwie disliked this kid enough anyway, he wasn't entirely sure why although it may have had something to do with his height. But what was worse was the product he was promoting. A self shredding guitar! And what yanked his chain even more so was the caption. Play faster than Yngwie at the touch of a button! That was it. Yngwie was on his way to sort this out once and for all.

Yngwie burst into the recording studios. He scanned the room. He couldn't see him. He looked down and there he was. With the disgrace to humanity, the self shredding guitar!
"Destroy that Monstrosity now" barked Yngwie!
"Wachuu talking abut Malmsteen?" Gary replied.
That was the final straw. Yngwie had had enough. Picking up his trusty strat and wielding it like an axe he smacked it down on Gary Coleman's head chopping him in two. But to his horror out of the two remains two new albeit smaller Gary Colemans were formed. One of them cried in a weedy metallic voice, "You think you can defeat us that easily? Ever wondered why i'm so small?" The other one replied in exactly the same voice "Wachuu talking about Gary?" Yngwie was in trouble. He blew on his magical horn to satch to help him fight these two monstrosities. Out of thin air Satch came bulleting head first with a new pair of glasses, and crashed straight into the wall. (It later transpired that the great Kat was Satch's optician having been forced into this profession after Yngwie had released the focking fury on her once too often. Clearly she was just as bad at this as she was at guitar playing however as the glasses she had given Satch were out of focus). This was one monstrosity too far. Yngwie searched far inside himself until he found it. The focking fury. No sooner had he found it than the Gary Coleman clones were on fire, and everytime new Gary Colemans were formed they burnt too. His job done Yngwie went home. Wasn't such a waste of time after all he thought to himself.

P.S Sorry for stealing the Satch bullet line but actually just made me laugh so much the thought of Satch flying headfirst.

Cheesepuff
05-29-2006, 09:12 PM
:haha

Beckerism
05-29-2006, 09:43 PM
That was awesome.

Cheesepuff
05-31-2006, 04:45 AM
Nobody likes this thread anymore :( agh well.. I'm bored. I'll make a story!


Yngwie just finished his daily complaint at the donut shop when he saw it. A sight so horrible that if I posted it here, it would make your eyes explode. Ahh what the hell I'll post it!

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h94/drkjdis/Orly.jpg


Ok, then he saw the 2nd most horrible thing ever... T3H GREAT KAT MAKING OUT WITH AXL ROSE!! Oh my focking fury he thought to himself, not knowing the potential dangers of this union. Yngwie stared at the sight in shock, all the while using his super-hearing to eavesdrop...

Axl : Ok, Kat, there is something I want to tell you...
Kat : WHAT THE FOCK IS IT?!
Axl : Will you Marry me?
Kat : YES OF COURSE I WILL MARRY YOU!
Axl : Yay! Let's call our families
Kat : Lets move to Paradise City
Axl : You know that's just a so-
Kat : *stares hostile-ish at Axl*
Axl : Oookayy...

2 Days later, they were married, and Yngwie was still in the hospital recuperating from his heart attack. The day after their marriage Kat and Axl Used their Uber Ass-Holery to take over Canada. Yngwie watched the Shred-N-N Petrucci report by John Petrucci.

John P. :Well, you see, uhm, like , uhh... Kat and uh... Axl are like.. y'know... destroying Canada *Plays a 25nps sweeping solo* Aggh NOO!! *gets stabbed by Kat's Headstock*

Kat : All you poseur shredders WERE COMING FOR YOU SO I CAN BE THE BEST!
John P : Never, we shall not fail!
Axl : We're gonna bring you to your Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-Knees, KNEES!
*END TRANSMISSION*

4 years later they had conquered Europe, North and South America, Antartica, Africa, and Asia except for Tokyo, and they were nearing in. But in Tokyo a plan was being hatched by the remaining Shredders.

Steve : Yngwie, you have a time machine right?
Yngwie : Ya, but the manual is Swedish
Steve : Damn! Ok, You will have to go to the past and stop them from getting married!
Joe : You are our only hope Yngwie DONT SCREW THIS UP
Buckethead : Use the Fury, Yngwie...

Then Yngwie used his time travelling Car and zoomed back to 2005, but still in Tokyo, and it was during the G3 concert, a few months before he saw Kat and Axl making out. According to Zakk Wylde's information, this is where they first met, the only way to save the world is to stop them from meeting here. Yngwie saw the Great Kat in the audience trying to give Steve Vai an Erection by showing her jugs off while he was playing Building the Church.
Axl meanwhile, was staring at her boobs. Yngwie saw this and he had to act fast, so he took to the stage, took his strat out of his leather pants pocket, and played the entire Unleash the Fury album in under 15 seconds, but that didn't distract Axl from looking at Kat, Soon he will ask for her number! Yngwie thought I MUST STOP THIS! And so he remembered what Buckethead told him Buckethead : Use the Fury, Yngwie and so he jumped out from the stage and did a 30nps solo right in front of the Great Kat and that made her head explode, unfortunately Axl was still there, and even if Yngwie's job is done, he still wanted to kill Axl anyway, so he teleported Tommy Hilfiger there and told him to knock Axl out, which he did. Then Yngwie travelled back to the future and had a G3 2010 Jam with Joe and Steve and all was well again in the world. Except for the fact that Gary Coleman is dead. TEH ENDZOR!

TheUltimateSin
05-31-2006, 08:18 AM
Yay^

TheUltimateSin
07-16-2006, 11:20 PM
The Chronicals of Yngwie J. Malmsteen: Zero Hour

When we last left our hero Yngwie, he had defeated both Michael Angelo Batio and the evil Kool-Aid man. But, not able to suffer seeing his wonderful Stratocaster damaged by evil Kool-Aid, Yngwie's head exploded out of agony and pain.

Arriving at the gates of Shred Havan, Yngwie encountered an apparition that resembled Steve Vai. In truth, it was in fact Steve himself, reaching Yngwie through an out-of-body experience. Steve informed Yngwie that it was not yet his time and that humanity needed his presence and skill to defeat another lurking menace. But, he would need help this time. Yngwie nodded in agreement and was sent back to Earth. However, mistakes were made in navigation and he ended up in rural Nebraska. As luck would have it, his contact was also mistakenly sent to Nebraska. Before Yngwie stood a hooded, robed figure holding a large black-laqured case. This figure held up the case and opened it, holding it out to Yngwie. There, inside, glittered Yngwie's prized Scalloped Stratocaster; his weapon of choice. The recently reincarnated hero removed his guitar from the case and slung it over his shoulder and backed a few steps away. The hooded figure raised his hands and removed his hood and robe, revealing that he was in fact Marty Friedman. Marty reached into the case and also removed a prototype Schecter C-1 and exclaimed "Come with me if you want to live" before wailing out a 9th fret pinch harmonic. Being done on this special instrument, the harmonic caused Marty and Yngwie to teleport in a flash of light away from the deserted wasteland of Nebraska.
In another flash of light, the pair arrived in the frozen wastes of northern Greenland. Marty and Yngwie gaped in horror, as before them not 10 yards away stood their most evil foes yet. All that could escape Yngwie was "No focking...." as he stared in terror at this horrible site; There stood Herman Li and The Great Kat, guitars in hand, and flashing evil grins. They had just signed a record deal as a duo and were going to unfurl a new age of unbearable melodies and crappy rythms, utilizing subliminal messaging to sell their albums and reap the money away from truley talented artists.

Kat and Herman glanced at each other, and then charged the heroic duo. These two evil and less talented players began working up and down their fretboards going through the very basic of scales as fast as they could. Marty held out his prototype Schecter and began playing more complex scales in strange ways, such as bending various odd notes that didn't belong into harmony with the scale. Yngwie began to play a series of arrpeggiated scales at a moderate speed, jumping from key to key. Not ready to encouter such superior skill, Herman and Great Kat were knocked backwards from their charge and fell down. Quick to recover, Herman jumped up and engaged in a pick scrape and heavy whammy abuse to distort the scrape further. Great Kat stood up and joined Herman, engaging in the same technique.

Yngwie and Marty stopped playing and fell to their knees in torment, having been unable to fathom such horrible sounds. Great Kat and Herman let out an evil laugh and began to play off-key and with missed timing, hoping to drive the pair crazy. In a last effort to repel the evil, Yngwie slowly began to play Niccolo Paganini's 23rd Caprice. Herman Li and Great Kat experienced a brief siezure and stopped playing for a second, but quickly resumed their off-key playing. Yngwie, struggling to keep playing and while bleeding from the eyes and ears, glanced at Marty for a second or two. Marty nodded, seeing that it was working, and joined him in the playing of the 23rd Caprice. Starting slow, the 2 heros eventually began to pick up pace. Herman and Great Kat stopped playing and watched in horror as their enemies slowly rose to their feet and thrashed out such classical and complex work while continuing to increase their speed. The rate of speed continued to climb until Marty and Yngwie were playing in harmony at the appropriate speed. A dark gathering of clouds filled the sky, and one could almost swear they could see the image of Niccolo Paganini himself ringing out the Caprice in the face of the clouds.

As they neared the end of the song, Herman's eyes rolled into the back of his head and his body began to disintegrate down to the skeleton. Upon striking the final deadly note in perfect syncronized harmony, The Great Kat erupted into a catastrophic ball of fire, emitting a screech so loud it could penetrate the sound barrier, before crumbling into a pile of ash; the deteriorated skeletal remains of Mr. Li fell to the ground in a dull *thud*.

Marty and Yngwie both dropped their instruments and looked at each other. Outstretching his hand to Yngwie, the two shook hands before Yngwie was engulfed in a bright light and departed for Shred Havan. Marty reached down and picked up the Scalloped Stratocaster, and then impaled it down onto a rock like the sword in the stone, before beginning his long walk back to his recording studio to record a new album with Jason Becker.

The world was a safer place and would remain so, lest it need to call upon it's heros once more to ward off such terrible evil.

And thus ends our epic trilogy of how Yngwie J. Malmsteen helped thrice save the world from evil.

*cue credits*

Godly Moose
07-16-2006, 11:49 PM
The Chronicals of Yngwie J. Malmsteen: Zero Hour

When we last left our hero Yngwie, he had defeated both Michael Angelo Batio and the evil Kool-Aid man. But, not able to suffer seeing his wonderful Stratocaster damaged by evil Kool-Aid, Yngwie's head exploded out of agony and pain.

Arriving at the gates of Shred Havan, Yngwie encountered an apparition that resembled Steve Vai. In truth, it was in fact Steve himself, reaching Yngwie through an out-of-body experience. Steve informed Yngwie that it was not yet his time and that humanity needed his presence and skill to defeat another lurking menace. But, he would need help this time. Yngwie nodded in agreement and was sent back to Earth. However, mistakes were made in navigation and he ended up in rural Nebraska. As luck would have it, his contact was also mistakenly sent to Nebraska. Before Yngwie stood a hooded, robed figure holding a large black-laqured case. This figure held up the case and opened it, holding it out to Yngwie. There, inside, glittered Yngwie's prized Scalloped Stratocaster; his weapon of choice. The recently reincarnated hero removed his guitar from the case and slung it over his shoulder and backed a few steps away. The hooded figure raised his hands and removed his hood and robe, revealing that he was in fact Marty Friedman. Marty reached into the case and also removed a prototype Schecter C-1 and exclaimed "Come with me if you want to live" before wailing out a 9th fret pinch harmonic. Being done on this special instrument, the harmonic caused Marty and Yngwie to teleport in a flash of light away from the deserted wasteland of Nebraska.
In another flash of light, the pair arrived in the frozen wastes of northern Greenland. Marty and Yngwie gaped in horror, as before them not 10 yards away stood their most evil foes yet. All that could escape Yngwie was "No focking...." as he stared in terror at this horrible site; There stood Herman Li and The Great Kat, guitars in hand, and flashing evil grins. They had just signed a record deal as a duo and were going to unfurl a new age of unbearable melodies and crappy rythms, utilizing subliminal messaging to sell their albums and reap the money away from truley talented artists.

Kat and Herman glanced at each other, and then charged the heroic duo. These two evil and less talented players began working up and down their fretboards going through the very basic of scales as fast as they could. Marty held out his prototype Schecter and began playing more complex scales in strange ways, such as bending various odd notes that didn't belong into harmony with the scale. Yngwie began to play a series of arrpeggiated scales at a moderate speed, jumping from key to key. Not ready to encouter such superior skill, Herman and Great Kat were knocked backwards from their charge and fell down. Quick to recover, Herman jumped up and engaged in a pick scrape and heavy whammy abuse to distort the scrape further. Great Kat stood up and joined Herman, engaging in the same technique.

Yngwie and Marty stopped playing and fell to their knees in torment, having been unable to fathom such horrible sounds. Great Kat and Herman let out an evil laugh and began to play off-key and with missed timing, hoping to drive the pair crazy. In a last effort to repel the evil, Yngwie slowly began to play Niccolo Paganini's 23rd Caprice. Herman Li and Great Kat experienced a brief siezure and stopped playing for a second, but quickly resumed their off-key playing. Yngwie, struggling to keep playing and while bleeding from the eyes and ears, glanced at Marty for a second or two. Marty nodded, seeing that it was working, and joined him in the playing of the 23rd Caprice. Starting slow, the 2 heros eventually began to pick up pace. Herman and Great Kat stopped playing and watched in horror as their enimies slowly rose to their feet and thrashed out such classical and complex work while continuing to increase their speed. The rate of speed continued to climb until Marty and Yngwie were playing in harmony at the appropriate speed. A dark gathering of clouds filled the sky, and one could almost swear they could see the image of Niccolo Paganini himself ringing out the Caprice in the face of the clouds.

As they neared the end of the song, Herman's eyes rolled into the back of his head and his body began to disintegrate down to the skeleton. Upon striking the final deadly note in perfect syncronized harmony, The Great Kat erupted into a catastrophic ball of fire, emitting a screech so loud it could penetrate the sound barrier, before crumbling into a pile of ash; the deteriorated skeletal remains of Mr. Li fell to the ground in a dull *thud*.

Marty and Yngwie both dropped their instruments and looked at each other. Outstretching his hand to Yngwie, the two shook hands before Yngwie was engulfed in a bright light and departed for Shred Havan. Marty reached down and picked up the Scalloped Stratocaster, and then impaled it down onto a rock like the sword in the stone, before beginning his long walk back to his recording studio to record a new album with Jason Becker.

The world was a safer place and would remain so, lest it need to call upon it's heros once more to ward off such terrible evil.

And thus ends our epic trilogy of how Yngwie J. Malmsteen helped thrice save the world from evil.

*cue credits*

Amazing! :eek:

:haha

TheUltimateSin
07-16-2006, 11:56 PM
You have no idea how much time and thinking I devoted to that story, or the whole Trilogy for that matter. No idea....

I was considering writing a spin-off story(as in having nothing to do with Yngwie as opposed to this 3-chapter installment) from where my second chapter ended. Possibly involving maybe Buckethead. :)

ILoveHarmonics
07-17-2006, 03:48 PM
Nice stuff Sin. :cool:

Yngwie is being used a lot. Ah whatever, keep them coming! :p:

im_hungry
07-17-2006, 04:17 PM
The Chronicals of Yngwie J. Malmsteen: Zero Hour

When we last left our hero Yngwie, he had defeated both Michael Angelo Batio and the evil Kool-Aid man. But, not able to suffer seeing his wonderful Stratocaster damaged by evil Kool-Aid, Yngwie's head exploded out of agony and pain.

Arriving at the gates of Shred Havan, Yngwie encountered an apparition that resembled Steve Vai. In truth, it was in fact Steve himself, reaching Yngwie through an out-of-body experience. Steve informed Yngwie that it was not yet his time and that humanity needed his presence and skill to defeat another lurking menace. But, he would need help this time. Yngwie nodded in agreement and was sent back to Earth. However, mistakes were made in navigation and he ended up in rural Nebraska. As luck would have it, his contact was also mistakenly sent to Nebraska. Before Yngwie stood a hooded, robed figure holding a large black-laqured case. This figure held up the case and opened it, holding it out to Yngwie. There, inside, glittered Yngwie's prized Scalloped Stratocaster; his weapon of choice. The recently reincarnated hero removed his guitar from the case and slung it over his shoulder and backed a few steps away. The hooded figure raised his hands and removed his hood and robe, revealing that he was in fact Marty Friedman. Marty reached into the case and also removed a prototype Schecter C-1 and exclaimed "Come with me if you want to live" before wailing out a 9th fret pinch harmonic. Being done on this special instrument, the harmonic caused Marty and Yngwie to teleport in a flash of light away from the deserted wasteland of Nebraska.
In another flash of light, the pair arrived in the frozen wastes of northern Greenland. Marty and Yngwie gaped in horror, as before them not 10 yards away stood their most evil foes yet. All that could escape Yngwie was "No focking...." as he stared in terror at this horrible site; There stood Herman Li and The Great Kat, guitars in hand, and flashing evil grins. They had just signed a record deal as a duo and were going to unfurl a new age of unbearable melodies and crappy rythms, utilizing subliminal messaging to sell their albums and reap the money away from truley talented artists.

Kat and Herman glanced at each other, and then charged the heroic duo. These two evil and less talented players began working up and down their fretboards going through the very basic of scales as fast as they could. Marty held out his prototype Schecter and began playing more complex scales in strange ways, such as bending various odd notes that didn't belong into harmony with the scale. Yngwie began to play a series of arrpeggiated scales at a moderate speed, jumping from key to key. Not ready to encouter such superior skill, Herman and Great Kat were knocked backwards from their charge and fell down. Quick to recover, Herman jumped up and engaged in a pick scrape and heavy whammy abuse to distort the scrape further. Great Kat stood up and joined Herman, engaging in the same technique.

Yngwie and Marty stopped playing and fell to their knees in torment, having been unable to fathom such horrible sounds. Great Kat and Herman let out an evil laugh and began to play off-key and with missed timing, hoping to drive the pair crazy. In a last effort to repel the evil, Yngwie slowly began to play Niccolo Paganini's 23rd Caprice. Herman Li and Great Kat experienced a brief siezure and stopped playing for a second, but quickly resumed their off-key playing. Yngwie, struggling to keep playing and while bleeding from the eyes and ears, glanced at Marty for a second or two. Marty nodded, seeing that it was working, and joined him in the playing of the 23rd Caprice. Starting slow, the 2 heros eventually began to pick up pace. Herman and Great Kat stopped playing and watched in horror as their enemies slowly rose to their feet and thrashed out such classical and complex work while continuing to increase their speed. The rate of speed continued to climb until Marty and Yngwie were playing in harmony at the appropriate speed. A dark gathering of clouds filled the sky, and one could almost swear they could see the image of Niccolo Paganini himself ringing out the Caprice in the face of the clouds.

As they neared the end of the song, Herman's eyes rolled into the back of his head and his body began to disintegrate down to the skeleton. Upon striking the final deadly note in perfect syncronized harmony, The Great Kat erupted into a catastrophic ball of fire, emitting a screech so loud it could penetrate the sound barrier, before crumbling into a pile of ash; the deteriorated skeletal remains of Mr. Li fell to the ground in a dull *thud*.

Marty and Yngwie both dropped their instruments and looked at each other. Outstretching his hand to Yngwie, the two shook hands before Yngwie was engulfed in a bright light and departed for Shred Havan. Marty reached down and picked up the Scalloped Stratocaster, and then impaled it down onto a rock like the sword in the stone, before beginning his long walk back to his recording studio to record a new album with Jason Becker.

The world was a safer place and would remain so, lest it need to call upon it's heros once more to ward off such terrible evil.

And thus ends our epic trilogy of how Yngwie J. Malmsteen helped thrice save the world from evil.

*cue credits*


awesome

TheUltimateSin
07-17-2006, 04:21 PM
Nice stuff Sin. :cool:

Yngwie is being used a lot. Ah whatever, keep them coming! :p:

Thankie, and to you too im_hungry. :D

The only reason I kept using Yngwie is because I planned out making a 3-part Trilogy when I concieved the first chapter. If I go through with making any more, he will most likely not be present.


And for those of you wondering: Yes, I had an ungodly amount of loose time on my hands to sit down and type all of that out. :)

I'm trying to keep this thread alive!

TheUltimateSin
09-14-2006, 04:29 PM
*Cue epic/dramatic music*

http://img58.imageshack.us/img58/3710/storypromoendlj7.jpg
http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/7459/storypromocoverbi9.jpg
http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/6862/storypromo1nx1.jpg
http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/6979/storypromo2vc8.jpg
http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/125/storypromo3at1.gif
http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/9514/storypromo4cd0.jpg
http://www.atlanticiowa.net/photoalbum/oneeye518200543812PM.jpg
http://img236.imageshack.us/img236/9239/storypromo5eh3.jpg
http://www.ldeo.columbia.edu/feature/2004/images/Grable_med.jpg

*End Music*

Scorzerci
09-14-2006, 05:47 PM
:haha

apocalypse13
09-14-2006, 06:55 PM
:haha:haha:haha

BTW you forgot *cue deep movie announcer voice*

TheUltimateSin
09-15-2006, 02:20 AM
:haha:haha:haha

BTW you forgot *cue deep movie announcer voice*

n00b. It's part of the "epic music" part of the theme. >_>


But yes, boys and girls, I am returning from retirement and laying out yet another epic story. :)...........................Because I have nothing better to do :o

The promo doesn't lie or try to fool you. It will be Buckethead versus the Mayor of MunchkinLand: One on One. that's right, you heard correctly. And there will even be an explosion :). But I won't spoil how the battle is to be waged. You'll just have to wait and see.

You can count on this being an action-packed blockbuster of a tale alright. Maybe you can recall my work on my Yngwie Trilogy...

I may even humor you with occasional teaser-photo's to build suspense;)

apocalypse13
09-15-2006, 05:03 PM
I lol'd

5150)Ed(5150
09-15-2006, 06:01 PM
Wow, one of the most entertaining threads I've ever seen!
I think a story on Petrucci would be funny.

hepzibahbaptist
09-15-2006, 11:35 PM
Dude, that is delicious.

garden of grey
09-16-2006, 12:11 AM
I think a takeoff from the Pshycho Petrucci tapes would be pretty awesome.
Anyone up to it?

zebrahead234
09-17-2006, 12:06 AM
whats nice would b a STAR WARS style story

Gilbert is Obi Wan, Buckethead is skywalker (Gilbert givin bucket head lessons), Satriani is yoda (the wise bald guy) , Great Kat cud b Palpatine, n Yngwie cud b Vader (starts out skilled but evil, dies skilled but good), Vai is Han solo (flamboyant dude)

i think this line up has possibilities, btu Im too busy to write it

Cheesepuff
09-17-2006, 03:24 AM
whats nice would b a STAR WARS style story

Gilbert is Obi Wan, Buckethead is skywalker (Gilbert givin bucket head lessons), Satriani is yoda (the wise bald guy) , Great Kat cud b Palpatine, n Yngwie cud b Vader (starts out skilled but evil, dies skilled but good), Vai is Han solo (flamboyant dude)

i think this line up has possibilities, btu Im too busy to write it
I'll write it then. Ok with you?

zebrahead234
09-17-2006, 08:56 AM
^yea, thats fine

TheUltimateSin
09-17-2006, 12:41 PM
Muahahaha. I knew resurecting this thread would have it's silver lining. Look what I've done.

garden of grey
09-21-2006, 05:56 PM
* in the progress of making an all your base are belong to us epic with pics*

Steve Vai has the bases but Zacky Vengeance is here to take his bases and set us up the bomb.


Ignore this if you dont know what all your bases is


and for now...

http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j73/gnr5999/conan.jpg

mr_clapton
09-21-2006, 06:23 PM
That face looks like Robin williams

zebrahead234
09-28-2006, 08:23 PM
keep this great thread alive, how is the story coming Cheesepuff?

TheUltimateSin
05-11-2007, 02:42 AM
*totally revives the thread again with another epic story*

Forgive me, my children, for my Buckethead story is still in the works and could not be released as early as planned. But here is the first half(please note that there is no mention of Buckethead or anything yet. Tis for the next installment of the story)

The Bucket Strikes Back: Part One

When we last left our story, the young Marty Friedman had, with help from our hero Yngwie J. Malmsteen, saved the world from the evil record deal that Herman Li had signed with The Great Kat.

Enter the present day.

In the center of a small town in Sweden, workers arbitrarily chisled away at what was going to be a giant golden statue of their great savior, Yngwie J. Malmsteen. He had saved the world from Optimus Prime, The Kool-Aid Man, and the evil duo of Herman Li and The Great Kat. Humanity would be forever in debt to this man.

On the other side of the globe, in downtown Tokyo, Japan, our young would-be hero Marty Friedman was in the recording studio working with the great Paul Gilbert as a guest appearence on Paul's latest album: Babyeater. While they worked away and perfected it, an evil presence gathered in the rough waters off-coast of city. "It's finished!" exclaimed Gilbert with great pride. "Let us go to the roof to celebrate!". And so Marty and Paul went up to the studio's roof, where they had set up their instruments to jam in celebration of their success on the album.

Just as they were plugging in, a massive tidal wave slammed ashore, destroying many buildings and sweeping away thousands of citizens. Marty and Paul caught eyes for a moment; they knew that this was no ordinary tidal wave. Only one explanation was possible: The Beast had awakened. Now their eyes were directed out to sea, where their horror was realized as truth. Not 300 feet from shore stood a monster of humongous proportions; their most feared enemy; a four-hundred and fifty foot tall, fully mechanized, offensively-equipped Jim Gillette. Marty and Paul gaped in horror; they had not thought it possible that this beast could have been revived. Quickly realizing what would happen, and what they must do, the dropped their instruments, locked fists, and began to chant in unison in Gaelic.

Not wasting time, the mechanized monstrosity that was Mecha-Gillette had made his way ashore and was stomping through the city, destroying buildings and causing people to die from over-exposure to his ridiculous hair. A bolt of lighting struck the roof of the recording studio, completely leveling it. But where it had once stood, a gigantic being like none the world had ever seen before now stood. Using an ancient method of fusion, Paul and Marty had become one giant being, with one mission: Destroy this mechanical terror.

This new fused being directed his attention to Mecha-Gillette and exclaimed "Demon! I am your end! Today, you meet your death at the hands of Maul Gilbman!". With that, Maul leapt into the air and tackled Mecha-Gillette to the ground, proceeding to pummel the beast with a furious attack of fists that moved is such perfect rhythm and speed that they could not be deteced by mortal eyes. But this machine was prepared for such a foe, and caught an opportunity when his attacker missed a single beat in his attack. Mecha-Gillette launched the giant Maul Gilbert off of him with a mighty kick, sending his attacker soaring through the air and landing in a collection of buildings. The two enemies charged out at each other and locked in a powerful grapple, trying to force one another into submission. Though powerful as he was, Gilbman was still barely an equal match for this foe, and was struggling to hold his ground.

Sensing this disturbance from afar, the fabled Steve Vai was awakened from a deep meditation in the Himilayan Mountains. He took to the sky quickly, with guitar in hand, and made his way to the battlefield as fast as he could. Meanwhile, our fused hero was still barely holding his own. He fell to one knee, but remained in the powerful grapple with his enemy. Falling to his other knee while remaining in this hold, all hope for Gilbman seemed lost as he prepared to accept defeat. Then, as if sent by the Lord himself, Maul Gilbman caught site of the legendary Mr. Steve Vai out of the corner of his eye; Vai had arrived not a second too late. Using all of his powers, Steve summoned up the Metropole Orchestra to appear behind him in the sky. Adjusting his fable EVO, Steve began to conduct the orchestra by leading them into the powerful "Lotus Feet" piece. With even just the first note, Gilbman felt a new surge of power rush through him, as if his full power and potential had been released.

Isolating this new power as it intensified with each passing note, Gilbman slowly began to rise back to his feet as he began overwhelming Mecha-Gillette. Once he was in the full upright standing position, Maul lifted Mecha-Gillette up over his head and prepared to hurl him into space. Seeing it's only way out was to take a cheap shot, Gillette opened it's mechanical jaws and prepared to fire an intense laser straight through the skull of Maul Gilbman. Seeing what was about to happen, Vai knew what the only option was. Taking a deep breath, Vai bellowed with great anger "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and hurled his prized EVO JEM as if it were a javelin. The missiled weapon passed over Gilbman's head just as Mecha-Gillette fired his laser, causing it to reflect off of the impermeable surface of the guitar and fire back at Gillette's own head. With a thunderous explosion and blinding flash of light, the city was leveled by an immense shockwave.

As the dust and debris settled, only two figures remained standing.......the seperated figures of Marty and Paul. The incredible blast had caused their fusion to end. There was no sign of Steve, Mecha-Gillette, or the Metropole Orchestra. What had happened?

To Be Continued....

im_hungry
05-11-2007, 11:56 AM
a four-hundred and fifty foot tall, fully mechanized, offensively-equipped Jim Gillette
:haha

TheUltimateSin
05-11-2007, 12:23 PM
You liked that one, eh? :haha:

zebrahead234
05-11-2007, 10:22 PM
nice

Cheesepuff
05-11-2007, 11:42 PM
Oh man this thread lives again!!!! I totally forgot about the starwars thing i was supposed to make!! K... it'll be up later I guess

Godly Moose
05-12-2007, 03:42 AM
Holy crap imagine Gillette's voice from being that tall! Every bodies eardrums would not only break because of his singing, but also because of how loud it would be.

Stratwizard
05-12-2007, 05:17 AM
:haha Awesome!

TheUltimateSin
05-12-2007, 10:11 AM
Holy crap imagine Gillette's voice from being that tall! Every bodies eardrums would not only break because of his singing, but also because of how loud it would be.

The resulting shockwave would circle the globe 27 times and break the sound barrier 10 fold at minimum.

zebrahead234
05-16-2007, 08:54 PM
live damn you

Captain_Kickass
05-21-2007, 09:42 AM
*totally revives the thread again with another epic story*

Forgive me, my children, for my Buckethead story is still in the works and could not be released as early as planned. But here is the first half(please note that there is no mention of Buckethead or anything yet. Tis for the next installment of the story)

The Bucket Strikes Back: Part One

When we last left our story, the young Marty Friedman had, with help from our hero Yngwie J. Malmsteen, saved the world from the evil record deal that Herman Li had signed with The Great Kat.

Enter the present day.

In the center of a small town in Sweden, workers arbitrarily chisled away at what was going to be a giant golden statue of their great savior, Yngwie J. Malmsteen. He had saved the world from Optimus Prime, The Kool-Aid Man, and the evil duo of Herman Li and The Great Kat. Humanity would be forever in debt to this man.

On the other side of the globe, in downtown Tokyo, Japan, our young would-be hero Marty Friedman was in the recording studio working with the great Paul Gilbert as a guest appearence on Paul's latest album: Babyeater. While they worked away and perfected it, an evil presence gathered in the rough waters off-coast of city. "It's finished!" exclaimed Gilbert with great pride. "Let us go to the roof to celebrate!". And so Marty and Paul went up to the studio's roof, where they had set up their instruments to jam in celebration of their success on the album.

Just as they were plugging in, a massive tidal wave slammed ashore, destroying many buildings and sweeping away thousands of citizens. Marty and Paul caught eyes for a moment; they knew that this was no ordinary tidal wave. Only one explanation was possible: The Beast had awakened. Now their eyes were directed out to sea, where their horror was realized as truth. Not 300 feet from shore stood a monster of humongous proportions; their most feared enemy; a four-hundred and fifty foot tall, fully mechanized, offensively-equipped Jim Gillette. Marty and Paul gaped in horror; they had not thought it possible that this beast could have been revived. Quickly realizing what would happen, and what they must do, the dropped their instruments, locked fists, and began to chant in unison in Gaelic.

Not wasting time, the mechanized monstrosity that was Mecha-Gillette had made his way ashore and was stomping through the city, destroying buildings and causing people to die from over-exposure to his ridiculous hair. A bolt of lighting struck the roof of the recording studio, completely leveling it. But where it had once stood, a gigantic being like none the world had ever seen before now stood. Using an ancient method of fusion, Paul and Marty had become one giant being, with one mission: Destroy this mechanical terror.

This new fused being directed his attention to Mecha-Gillette and exclaimed "Demon! I am your end! Today, you meet your death at the hands of Maul Gilbman!". With that, Maul leapt into the air and tackled Mecha-Gillette to the ground, proceeding to pummel the beast with a furious attack of fists that moved is such perfect rhythm and speed that they could not be deteced by mortal eyes. But this machine was prepared for such a foe, and caught an opportunity when his attacker missed a single beat in his attack. Mecha-Gillette launched the giant Maul Gilbert off of him with a mighty kick, sending his attacker soaring through the air and landing in a collection of buildings. The two enemies charged out at each other and locked in a powerful grapple, trying to force one another into submission. Though powerful as he was, Gilbman was still barely an equal match for this foe, and was struggling to hold his ground.

Sensing this disturbance from afar, the fabled Steve Vai was awakened from a deep meditation in the Himilayan Mountains. He took to the sky quickly, with guitar in hand, and made his way to the battlefield as fast as he could. Meanwhile, our fused hero was still barely holding his own. He fell to one knee, but remained in the powerful grapple with his enemy. Falling to his other knee while remaining in this hold, all hope for Gilbman seemed lost as he prepared to accept defeat. Then, as if sent by the Lord himself, Maul Gilbman caught site of the legendary Mr. Steve Vai out of the corner of his eye; Vai had arrived not a second too late. Using all of his powers, Steve summoned up the Metropole Orchestra to appear behind him in the sky. Adjusting his fable EVO, Steve began to conduct the orchestra by leading them into the powerful "Lotus Feet" piece. With even just the first note, Gilbman felt a new surge of power rush through him, as if his full power and potential had been released.

Isolating this new power as it intensified with each passing note, Gilbman slowly began to rise back to his feet as he began overwhelming Mecha-Gillette. Once he was in the full upright standing position, Maul lifted Mecha-Gillette up over his head and prepared to hurl him into space. Seeing it's only way out was to take a cheap shot, Gillette opened it's mechanical jaws and prepared to fire an intense laser straight through the skull of Maul Gilbman. Seeing what was about to happen, Vai knew what the only option was. Taking a deep breath, Vai bellowed with great anger "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and hurled his prized EVO JEM as if it were a javelin. The missiled weapon passed over Gilbman's head just as Mecha-Gillette fired his laser, causing it to reflect off of the impermeable surface of the guitar and fire back at Gillette's own head. With a thunderous explosion and blinding flash of light, the city was leveled by an immense shockwave.

As the dust and debris settled, only two figures remained standing.......the seperated figures of Marty and Paul. The incredible blast had caused their fusion to end. There was no sign of Steve, Mecha-Gillette, or the Metropole Orchestra. What had happened?

To Be Continued....


quite possably the best thing i have ever read

Phillitalian
05-21-2007, 10:09 AM
long ago, a man who could play 1000nps, named Yngwie Malmsteen was sitting at home improvising for his next shred composition while watching CNN. As he couldnt hear the TV cuz of his strat, he read something that made him get out of his seat. On the screen it read "Cuck Norris' attack at Malmsteen". Malmsteen turned off his amp and listend to an interview with chuck norris and wolf blitzer.

"so chuck, your saying that you can beat y-ying way? malmsteen at a solo-off"
"did i studder?" replied chuck.

Malmsteen was outraged by what he was hearing so he got on his custom made flying machine that was shaped like a stratocaster and flew over to CNN's hq in new york and broke thorugh the windows while playing a D# harmonic that destroyd all the windows in new york. Chuck ran towards malmsteen and tried to roundhouse kick him but malmsteen blocked it with his solid-gold strat. Chuck proceeded to pull an ibanez RG 350 EX out of his ass and said

"are you ready?" in a low deep, scary voice
"the question is are you ready?" malmsteen asked in his swedish-ish accent

All of america and canada was watching a spectacle of a solo-off live from new york, but when chuck new he couldnt keep up with malmsteen, chuck took a donut from one of the people in the stage crew and threw it at malmsteen. malmsteen stoped and said

"i dont like donuts"

Malmsteen then unleashed his focking wrath upon chuck norris which in turn destroyed all of new york. Malmsteen then got got on his flying strat and flew home and played arpeggios from hell so that the whole world could hear him

T
H
END :D

TheUltimateSin
05-22-2007, 12:22 PM
That was....interesting O_o

In other news, I start writing the second half to my Buckethead story sometime this week :D

UncleCthulhu
05-22-2007, 12:27 PM
"i dont like donuts"

You just made my day, that was hilarious :D

bassmanjoe08
05-23-2007, 07:55 PM
LMAO these are hilarious.

Kotie
04-12-2009, 01:05 AM
Frank Zappa never died. He played so fast that it tore an opening in the space time continuum. He tried to take Neil Pert with him, but his drum set wouldn't fit.
Now he plays in a bubble in space.

Rocknrolla35
02-24-2014, 03:54 PM
long ago, a man who could play 1000nps, named Yngwie Malmsteen was sitting at home improvising for his next shred composition while watching CNN. As he couldnt hear the TV cuz of his strat, he read something that made him get out of his seat. On the screen it read "Cuck Norris' attack at Malmsteen". Malmsteen turned off his amp and listend to an interview with chuck norris and wolf blitzer.

"so chuck, your saying that you can beat y-ying way? malmsteen at a solo-off"
"did i studder?" replied chuck.

Malmsteen was outraged by what he was hearing so he got on his custom made flying machine that was shaped like a stratocaster and flew over to CNN's hq in new york and broke thorugh the windows while playing a D# harmonic that destroyd all the windows in new york. Chuck ran towards malmsteen and tried to roundhouse kick him but malmsteen blocked it with his solid-gold strat. Chuck proceeded to pull an ibanez RG 350 EX out of his ass and said

"are you ready?" in a low deep, scary voice
"the question is are you ready?" malmsteen asked in his swedish-ish accent

All of america and canada was watching a spectacle of a solo-off live from new york, but when chuck new he couldnt keep up with malmsteen, chuck took a donut from one of the people in the stage crew and threw it at malmsteen. malmsteen stoped and said

"i dont like donuts"

Malmsteen then unleashed his focking wrath upon chuck norris which in turn destroyed all of new york. Malmsteen then got got on his flying strat and flew home and played arpeggios from hell so that the whole world could hear him

T
H
END :D


LOL.
That. Made. My. Day. :haha:

slash7796
03-02-2014, 12:52 AM
How Tom Morello Went Bald

One day, Tom Morello was in his dorm room at Harvard University. He was bashing around on an old Strat on his bed. His roommate was on his way out the door and said "Dude, that's terrible," and left. A little hurt by his roommate's comment, Tom sat back, ran his hand through his lush mane of rock n roll hair, and thought "How can be a good guitarist?" Unsure how to answer that question, he went into Boston to an unknown music shop that his uncle ran. "Hey Uncle Jerry," Tom said," I want to be a good guitarist."
"You know what," Jerry said, "I have just the guy for you. Jerry went into the back room of his store and came back with a guy with long black hair and a soul patch, shouldering a white Ibanez JEM with the words FLO written behind the bridge. "Hey man, I'm Steve Vai, but you can call me The Machine because that's what I am on the guitar," said the man with the fancy guitar. "So you want to be a good guitarist? Well, what I do is treat it like I am a champion boxer. What do champion boxers do? They go to the gym for 10 hours a day, go to bed, repeat until the championship match and then wear the belt while they do it all again. That's how I treat guitar. Spend 10 hours a day with this book and you'll be good to go," said Steve, aka the Machine. "Thank you man, I'll do just as you say," said Tom, running back to his dorm with the book from the Machine. Immediately he sat down and started the training regimen. For a week, all Tom did was play guitar and sleep. On the 8th day of practice, Tom's political science professor ran into his dorm. "Tom, what are you doing? You've missed class for a whole week! And why'd you shave your head?"
"What do you mean? I have a full head of--" Tom stopped and felt for his luscious locks, but they were no where to be found. He ran down the hall to the bathrooms, his hall mates laughing and pointing. Tom reached the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He was completely bald. In just one week, he had lost all of his hair. "That darned Machine!" screamed Tom. "He made me lose all my hair!" Tom was so mad about going bald because of that Steve Vai guy who called himself the Machine that he started a band. When the band was coming up with their name, all Tom could think of was how much he hated the Machine, so he yelled to his bandmates "I just want to Rage Against The Machine!!!", and the name stuck.