Dante vrs. JammyDude


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DanteR*
09-19-2006, 09:25 PM
"Bleak"

Poison desires all circle me
While worry lulls me back to sleep
Reaching above the cellophane skyline
Once again, my hand gets swatted down
While the wind weaves in and out,
Of my ever-deafened ears

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

Etched shades of gray collide,
Twining and twisting a tornado
Of emotional backlash
Two sides of the spectrum,
Ignored and ever-ridden
From this rational schism

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

From above the transparent azure I see you,
Grasping dread locked roses and shot down orchids
Dismayed from my so-called neglect, you cringe
Mangled and torn from the fine-edged thorns
If only this schism did not stand here,
I would wistfully whisper, ?I warned you my dear?


In she walks, soft focus, slow motion, the epitome of a teenage dream date. Open braces gawk as beauty stalks the room. The sweet scent of perfume gently massages the nostrils of several insecure virgins. Fingers point and joints stiffen as the new girl in town walks by, almost hovering, through the boys glasses anyway. Lists of cliched lines and actions run through the minds of many, yet each one will surely bring rejection.

Over time, knotted guts and pumping organs force one man to take a chance, one man to tell her the truth. The pale-faced hero of the library gang. Palms sweating and voice trembling, he goes eye to eye with the beholder of beauty.

"I...." He says.

Is someone laughing ? Is someone taking photos? Is someone filming this upcoming humiliation, and are they going to post it all over the internet and let the billions over the world chuckle at it's stupidity? Maybe this isn't the best idea...

"I think I fancy you."

****. ****. ****. Here it comes.

"Will you go out with me?"

She's going to say no, she's going to say no, she's.....

"Yes."


****. I don't want her.

#1 synth
09-19-2006, 09:54 PM
I choose the red fish...

Jammydude44
09-20-2006, 11:06 AM
Bam!

Another Loss...

Good Luck, not that you'll need it :P

Retribution
09-20-2006, 09:19 PM
The ending totally kills your piece Jammy. I told you to re-phrase it.

broken_bottles
09-21-2006, 01:13 AM
1.

Jammydude44
09-21-2006, 12:15 PM
The ending totally kills your piece Jammy. I told you to re-phrase it.

Yes, you did. Unfortunately I have a backbone, thefore I didn't change it for you. I'm not really planning to revise this piece, it's an early prose piece just to find my feet in the style.

Jamie

DanteR*
09-21-2006, 06:47 PM
1.

Your post said you voted for 1... but the poll says you voted for 2

#1 synth
09-22-2006, 12:04 AM
Your post said you voted for 1... but the poll says you voted for 2

I had quite a chuckle at that :p:

broken_bottles
09-22-2006, 01:36 PM
Ah. I know what I meant. I did actually mean two. Not to say that one wasn't great, it was. Hard choice.

punchupatatigge
11-10-2006, 10:28 AM
Hey. I realize that this is a bump for a dead poll from about 2 months ago, but I had to say this...

Jammy, your piece was brilliant. Good job. And I think the ending was my favorite part, actually. Dante's was great too.