Fate_of_Mind vs stratkat


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stratkat
12-30-2006, 11:29 PM
Poem vs poem

"Bound To The Unknown"

Unwitting terminus
Mantra found in surplus
Mendacity, exploited by shepherd
Veracity, now seen as the leper

Parrots of the praedial
Preach the unknown
Delusive to conceal
A false cyclone

Afterlife yclept in its purity
To be remanent as futurity

Dubbed and prodded theories
Mouth occluded to avoid furies
Unintelligible are the Fates
As our cloture awaits

Today, tomorrow, or the next
Who is to decide?
Though we are not controlled by text
For now we abide

Sing the tune to please all ears
But in your mind have no fears

Charm those who now vigilate
Remember itís your only fate



"I'll Say it First"

My mind is racing
like thin blood to a cut
and the bleeding won't stop
What the hell do I want?
She's pushed me past the point of tears
and for whatever reason I've been sitting here
for two hours on this park bench
thinking about the last thing she said


"Then you never have to talk to me again
see if I ****ing care.....
like you ever loved me anyway......
no one wants you here..."

There's alot more
but it was hard to hear above the yelling
As she screamed my heart was swelling
to an unbearable weight
and it's getting heavier
at an alarming rate

I don't know what I'm waiting here for
I guess I'm waiting on her
waiting for her to walk by
so I can have a pathetic attempt
to say I'm sorry
cause I know she won't say it first

Final
12-30-2006, 11:36 PM
I'll be honest, I wasn't a fan of either, but I went with the second one. Though it lacked originality, it was more relatable for me.

TrigFunction
12-31-2006, 04:49 AM
^'greed

Alk 3 addict
12-31-2006, 01:03 PM
Blue.

The Hurt Within
12-31-2006, 01:24 PM
Yeha Keeno nipped the words from my tongue. Red tried too hard to use big words, and it sounded fake, but it did end well. Blue was just more simplistic, and slightly better overall.

Brookis89
12-31-2006, 01:58 PM
Red has good potential but you need to simplify it bc no one is going to understand it with all the big words in there, they would concentrate on trying to figure out what it said rather than what it actually means. so iv gotta say that i like the blue better and you use some nice metaphores in there, but keep up the good work and maby just do some edits on the red

Phoebus
12-31-2006, 03:01 PM
blue, neither made me tingly

TrigFunction
12-31-2006, 05:19 PM
Red has good potential but you need to simplify it bc no one is going to understand it with all the big words in there, they would concentrate on trying to figure out what it said rather than what it actually means. so iv gotta say that i like the blue better and you use some nice metaphores in there, but keep up the good work and maby just do some edits on the red

i dont completely agree with this. I think the piece is touchable by most but it just has some weird flow issues and just seems to strange, not just word choice for me.

The Hurt Within
12-31-2006, 06:31 PM
Yeah I have to agree with Trig, Brookis, too many people get hung up on big words, you know to many its easy to read, I know what the words mean. Just didn't like how they were used. The piece didn't loose anything in my book for using them. I'm getting really pissed off with the whole big words issue, its all bullshit. Just get a dictionary, once you know what they mean it takes nothing from the piece. And you learnt something. Please Brookis dont feel this is aimed at you, its at generally everyone. And I apologise its in this thread. Blame Alcohol. Well I will in the morning anyway.

peACE
y'all.

stratkat
01-03-2007, 05:52 PM
I wanted to wager 2 points on this (or maybe it was one) FOM agreed to challenge me but he has -7 points (I think) Can I get my points or should I say that this was just for fun, because I knew I probably wouldn't get them anyway.

guitarsuperman2
01-03-2007, 06:49 PM
blue desserved the win.....sumtimes more simplicty is better....