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-   -   Warnings from a blooming rose (http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1482486)

merriman44 09-24-2011 05:00 PM

Warnings from a blooming rose
 
Crit 4 crit folks! This is a continuation of the concept album I'm writing. thanks for looking! Feel free to be as clear and nasty as you wish!

A mourn rose blooms
The darkest mood this day
A premonition of seconds ahead
The familiar stench
Rips tears from my eyes
Pupils dilating
I run through the gate and collapse

Pale blue eyes which
Once were mine
Now Milky stares
A Reflection (of me)
His life, my future
Strewn about
This child opened up
Convicts me, the coward

The mother’s head still rolling
Open mouthed
Whisp’ring lullabies
A sleepy song
To soothe her child
With no time left to cry

A family torn apart
Ripping at the seams
Shadows’ taunt and dance
Imitating living dreams
Like the blunted end of
The watchman’s torch
These remains
light my path no more

I wish to tear out my eyes
To remove their memories
To never have existed
For what has befallen me
A living perdition
Beast I condemn you
I know where you dwell
You take my country, family and life
You laugh at victory complete
but the blood still flows through me
I am the catalyst
In time you shall see
Through My Eyes

The blood coagulates
Wet but gelling still
The pane
Broken
resonates my soul
As my blood thickens, cold

ApatheticMe 09-25-2011 08:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by merriman44
Crit 4 crit folks! This is a continuation of the concept album I'm writing. thanks for looking! Feel free to be as clear and nasty as you wish!

A mourn rose blooms
The darkest mood this day
A premonition of seconds ahead
The familiar stench
Rips tears from my eyes
Pupils dilating
I run through the gate and collapse
i would make "mourn" into "morning"...looks less poetic but flows better...i like the rest....nothing to crit..


Pale blue eyes which
Once were mine
Now Milky stares
A Reflection (of me)
His life, my future
Strewn about
This child opened up
Convicts me, the cowardooh i like this alot;....hm....is the (of me) going to be sang?....i dont think it should....but...what the hell do i know...

The mother’s head still rolling
Open mouthed
Whisp’ring lullabies
A sleepy song
To soothe her child
With no time left to cry
overall i like this stanza....last line could be reworded....it feels weekest....hm...on first read this seems to sort of change the thoughts i had of where you were going with this song...

A family torn apart
Ripping at the seams
Shadows’ taunt and dance
Imitating living dreams
Like the blunted end of
The watchman’s torch
These remains
light my path no more
you used the word "torn" then "ripping" you should pick witch tense to use....oooh that rest of these lines are the best i have read from you yet...

I wish to tear out my eyes
To remove their memories
To never have existed
For what has befallen me
A living perdition
Beast I condemn you
I know where you dwell
You take my country, family and life
You laugh at victory complete
but the blood still flows through me
I am the catalyst
In time you shall see
Through My Eyes
after the love of those last lines....i get this....um...let see....hm....Honestly i dont like this one...sor of an acusing thing...it doesnt gell with me...it reads ok...i just dont think it fits in the song....or where i thought the song was going...

The blood coagulates
Wet but gelling still
The pane
Broken
resonates my soul
As my blood thickens, cold
i like the ending here....the first line and the last line are the same thing though...if that is intentional then good....if not then....omit one of them..




on an overall note....there were some major highs and lows....I love parts but others but dont resonate well with me....

i think you have more in you than this....but i understand that sometimes when you ahve the drive to write something the execution might be off.....and it is hard for me to find the emotion agian to edit a song properly....so i can see where you might end up with something like this....

good writing to you mate...

merriman44 09-25-2011 09:02 PM

Thanks for the Crit. I am really having problems with the same parts that you are. I may just omit that section of the song completely.

The main reason it exists now is my drive to connect the songs of my concept album as best I can. Sometimes it works well, but often times it does not. This seems to be the latter.

Thanks alot!

ApatheticMe 09-25-2011 10:10 PM

could make it into two songs....that way the transition could be smoother....idk just throwin out some ideas...

dream_theater24 09-26-2011 03:12 AM

I did properly crit this, then my internet ****ed up when I went to post it. I'm too lazy to do it again, so I'll give it to you in a nutshell.

- While poem form is always a good start, it needs more structure
- Last section should be changed
- Second to last section is kickass
- "A mothers head still rolling" sounds a little brutal (and misleading) for the section its in
- I think the music behind these lyrics needs to be very progressive, moving and epic, something like "the divine suicide of K" by Protest the Hero.

Sorry I didn't re- write the whole crit, but I'm a little lazy :P

merriman44 09-26-2011 11:00 AM

No worries. This is to be the most fast riffing and brutal track on our upcoming album. I wanted to try something a bit different and go for a poetically grotesque way to describe the scene instead of saying BLLLLLARR BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

Thanks for your thoughts!

Mr.Pink101 09-26-2011 11:13 AM

I see, I tried reading this in a poetic seliloqy, but it makes sense that the speaker was screaming.
It's quite disturbing, to be honest, though that's probably just because of the music style.
Not my cup of tea, not my general area of critique. Sorry :P

The stanza

"A family torn apart
Ripping at the seams
Shadows’ taunt and dance
Imitating living dreams
Like the blunted end of
The watchman’s torch
These remains
light my path no more"

Was amazing, apart from the tense issue with the first two lines, they're quite brilliant :)

merriman44 09-26-2011 11:26 AM

Yeah, it is meant to be very jarring. I wanted to convey in the most intense method possible, the disbelief, terror and disturbing nature of what the protagonist is experiencing. I wanted to connect with the reader and understood that this might bother some folks. I apologize if it did but I guess that if it's disturbing, my purpose has also been fulfilled.

I spent a lot of time on the part you specified in an attempt to bring it all together using imagery from the scene that could also have another meaning.

I really appreciate you taking the time to review it. If you have a piece feel free to let me know so that I can return the favor. If you post one later send me a PM if you wish.

ali.guitarkid7 09-27-2011 03:42 PM

First off I'm really sorry for not returning the crit sooner, I've been incredibly busy and trying my best to make time. Again, sorry.

I really haven't got any complaints except for the enjambment, the line breaks make it a little more difficult to understand. Sorry if you intended for it to be really vague I just can't make out what it's mostly about, the imagery makes up for that though. I like how gory and intense this feels, lines like "I wish to tear out my eyes" or "I am the catalyst, in time you shall see, through my eyes". I also liked how it sort of builds up the imagery from dark to a bit more fierce.

Hope I helped :cheers:

merriman44 09-27-2011 03:55 PM

This is just one stop on along a story line so your confusion is not surprising. Thanks for the thoughts!

FunkasPuck 09-27-2011 08:08 PM

This is a difficult one, as the punctuation makes it hard to read. Obviously, hearing how its delivered might make it easier to take in, but just from reading i found myself having to decide when a line should have ended in a comma or full stop.
This makes the content tricky to absorb because it makes the whole thing feel just like a list. It destroyed all traces of what context each individual line should have been in. It ends up reading just like a massive (potentially unconnected) information dump.
Also, i thought the imagery and tense jumped around too much too. images are introduced then quickly left behind. This, along with the short lines all just added to the info dump feel. theres nothing wrong with short lines, but i felt that there is just too much going on, in too short a space with not enough direction.
Thats from reading it anyway. Maybe it would make more sense in the context of the rest of the album, but to me this feels a bit unfocused.

jod23 09-27-2011 08:36 PM

very deep, didnt read the following critiques, just want to read it foreward and make an establishment for i want to say. also help you an this piece from my preception...

i sense divorce in a family in particular... just from the first read, kinda emotional in a sense. very troublesome while reading the lyrics. it may be directed toward the narrator nor a love one going through a difficult time. you did state its a concept album which is interesting.. i wonder nor who its about... anways i like this passage i pointed out very deep..

'The mother’s head still rolling
Open mouthed
Whisp’ring lullabies
A sleepy song
To soothe her child
With no time left to cry

A family torn apart
Ripping at the seams
Shadows’ taunt and dance
Imitating living dreams
Like the blunted end of
The watchman’s torch
These remains
light my path no more'

i do feel a strong voice in it from what your talking about for the rest of the piece.


if you have a time, check out my recent piece hurricane... just want a small feedback nothing more...

merriman44 09-27-2011 10:19 PM

Thank you jod. I will definitely check yours out tomorrow after work.

Stonesatreyu 09-28-2011 05:00 AM

It's all very well written but far to cryptic for me to understand, i get the family being messed up and "the beast" as the antagonist, but i guess thats the way it goes with concept albums, ya gotta get the concept before the understanding.
All my pieces as of late have been based on a book i bin writing, more concept a,bum stuff.

But anywho your last two paragraphs/stanza's i liked the best i could glean a little more from them.


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