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vintage x metal 08-23-2012 12:29 PM

WotW : ramadan
old and forgetful,
a bitter mouth spits melodrama uncouth
confused, weary, haggard but in the shells of
some bleak glory of yesterday
("I had a salary")
it's okay.

young and forgetful,
untagged whiskey shots lost in last night's corners
in hopes of some feigned slumber
or some anon lover
or a way to die faster,

dad, I meant to ask you
what had filled the days of fasting
when your vigor was intact and
all your words were filled with passion
and your hunger etched its name into
the lining of your stomach
but you wore its name with virtue
sporting it in latest fashion
you were vile among the vilest
but at least it was in earnest
now you sit in your own puddles
wondering about the furnace,
and the cabinets, and my bedroom,
the things that you had earned once -
an empty shell of man,
no signs of bleeding from the surface.

kdownes 08-23-2012 04:14 PM

This was a pleasant read, by which I mean the act of reading itself was pleasant, not the piece. I loved the third stanza especially, though I feel perhaps some extra punctuation could help the flow a little. At the moment it's just one long sentence and I found myself wanting a breather a few times within it. Maybe not as strong as some of your works I remember from the past, but I still enjoyed reading this.

RaysGotThis 08-24-2012 12:59 AM

You should write things. An anthology of poems, short stories, books, whatever. Everything I've seen from you has been just awesome and a pleasure to read, even when it's terribly sad.

vintage x metal 08-28-2012 10:51 AM


freshtunes 08-29-2012 01:08 AM

There was nothing about this that I didn't like. Except for the word uncouth. I do not believe it fits with the rest of the vocabulary used.


culex-knight 08-29-2012 04:05 PM

****ing awesome.

#1 synth 08-29-2012 06:29 PM

i get your hair updates inadvertently through facebook and I get your poetry updates inadvertently through UG. both are nourishment for my soul.

and no, i don't really know what the word inadvertently means :p:

Bleed Away 09-06-2012 10:03 AM

Wasn't much of a fan of "uncouth" either, and the end-rhymes in the second stanza felt forced.
Apart from that, this is pretty damn inspirational! Congratulations :)

seventh_angel 09-10-2012 08:21 PM

The last stanza's amazing. Congratulations :golfclap:

cubs 09-11-2012 12:12 PM

i love you. always, bonita :heart:

'grats on wotw (!)

i'll probably go read some of your past pieces now just cuz

Petey Cook 09-13-2012 01:12 AM

So, I used to come on here a lot, but it's been a while. And I've always been contentious. So I want to ask you all a question: why do you think this is good? I'm not saying that because I think it's bad. I just see so many comments on these forums along the lines of "this is so good" and nothing else. So, assuming I'm going to say this is bad (again, I'm not saying it is), I want you all to defend it.

Rock On

#1 synth 09-13-2012 08:48 AM

because I don't see any reason to write a whole exegesis I will just say:

for me, the piece produces a dynamic and multifaceted feeling of longing for that which does not exist anymore, be that youth or family or sustenance. the sound and rhymes she is playing with supplement the feeling of longing. Nearly childlike and obtuse the sound play comes across as a daughter hopeless and awkwardly talking down to her father all at once filled with disappointment, power, and yes, longing.

some of the piece overstays its welcome for sure, and I think it could be edited down and tightened in a couple of places. But overall, it is the feeling of the piece that matters to me and allows me to say that both this poem and the author of this poem are doing their job.

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