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-   -   you, me and the end of everything (ots) (http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1561146)

Madz 09-04-2012 05:21 PM

you, me and the end of everything (ots)
 
So I finally tried the method seventh_angel wanted me to try, to write in my original language and then to translate it. I had a really hard time translating this piece, and I still believe that there might be parts which are not 100% correct to the meaning I intended, but this is the best I could manage. I definitely notice a difference in the writing style between the pieces I wrote in English, and this translated one.

if someday, by the time we are much too senile to form clear thoughts
the opportunity arises to see ourselves again in an endless mirror of time,
to trace back each grey hair and its origin,
will it become clear to us by then, that we will have more than likely
wasted the greater part of our lifetime without our knowledge
in fear of ultimately being damned to die alone?
I believe that we will both reciprocate this very suspicion,
and even though neither of us will dare to voice it,
by the time the first of us will depart this life, we will,
the one of us who is condemned to live on anyway,
see or better still, feel how it is to be truly left alone;
I hope that I will be the first to pass on, not out of love for you, no,
if this sentiment that I still feel for you resembles love
then I cant help but feel utterly betrayed
because the only thing that associates with it is, to my mind,
the fear of just being left alone eventually
and deep inside Im afraid of this feeling being mutual and that sometime,
we will realize that we both solely wait together in sheer desperation
for our bodies to succumb to the march of time.

seventh_angel 09-04-2012 05:32 PM

I really liked this, and felt great improvement. As I told you, by doing this, the flow is sacrificed, but at least it pushed you away from the style you were creating in English that wasn't quite working for me.

I think some parts aren't really right, like " pass on ", but I'd prefer if someone who actually speaks English would help you with that.

I'll just say for now that this

"if this sentiment that I still feel for you resembles love
then I cant help but feel utterly betrayed
because the only thing that associates with it is, to my mind,
the fear of just being left alone eventually
and deep inside Im afraid of this feeling being mutual and that sometime,
we will realize that we both solely wait together in sheer desperation
for our bodies to succumb to the march of time."

is really really good.

kdownes 09-04-2012 05:35 PM

This isn't amazing, but it is written with a confidence that your previous works were lacking. I only really have two complaints. First, work on your punctuation. If you removed all the line breaks from this you'd realise that the whole thing is just one giant sentence. You might actually find it easier to ditch the punctuation, at least until you better understand the massive maze that is English grammar. Remember, line breaks have the same effect as a comma when reading. Secondly, despite the fact that it is said well, i just felt like you weren't saying anything I hadn't heard before. If you can match your writing to something original, then it would be amazing, instead of simply good. Also, use your language skills to your advantage. Perhaps keep certain parts of the piece in your original language. Sure the meaning may be lost on us monolingual people, but to me at least, parts in another language can create an sir of the exotic and mystery. And that's all I have to say. Keep at it, you're showing improvement each time.

seventh_angel 09-04-2012 05:42 PM

Yeah, I was going to mention the problems with the punctuation, but forgot to. Geez, I'm sleepy.

I'll take this as an experiment you were making and I liked your improvement; but Kyle really pointed out the problems with this. Just keep in mind that everything you write may teach you something.

Arthur Curry 09-04-2012 05:47 PM

but if you should somehow realize that your body is a temporary vessel for your everlasting soul, perhaps you will be so inclined as to make the most of the life you have in this time and place.

i really enjoyed reading this until it became hopeless and forsaking, right around the fourth line. rhetorically, it was exquisite.

#1 synth 09-04-2012 06:12 PM

my brain needed more images to hold onto. anchor your meaning/show don't tell.

cubs 09-05-2012 11:12 PM

what is your first language? (english is not my first language either btw)

johnjeni33 09-06-2012 06:50 AM

Hi. My name is Chrystal, OT student from WVU, and I am finishing my MOT at the end of this month. I am finished with everything except my research. Myself and my research partner are doing a study about occupation based Tx interventions with the elderly population. I have not received many responses and I really need your help to graduate on time.

Madz 09-06-2012 03:04 PM

Wow, thank you for the comments, I didnt expect to get such a massive response! Im really having trouble with the punctuation, at least partly because in German, my native language, things look quite a bit different with commas and everything. But Im taking up everything that you said and will hopefully improve in time! thank you!

Petey Cook 09-10-2012 05:23 AM

There's a lot of fun things you can do with German/English. Rammstein taught me that back in high school. So don't let language limit you.

Rock On


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