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-   -   WotW : Weird Bodies (http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1564035)

Svetlova 09-20-2012 10:11 PM

WotW : Weird Bodies
 
In some Morning sickness he, slouching
over the toilet in frail and trembling surreal conception,
catches spittle and bile in his beard.

I could have carried it with a certain grace, I'm sure--
like the way ivories are meant for a slender, delicate touch.
Felt deep within my womb that there was a special space
carved out, through some act of God,
just for her, for us.

Even as a small child I knew it was there; inside me, waiting.
Stuffing pillows underneath my nightgown,
standing in front of my bedroom mirror
imagining the shape of a woman's body.

All I can do is watch the ultrasound,
dreaming that I felt some twist or twinge
and not just sympathetic pains.

His belly bulges from some unseen thing,
something that should have been mine.
Of what name, of what being,
of what part of me does it hold,
if any?

seventh_angel 09-20-2012 11:46 PM

This was beautiful, although it left me a bit uncomfortable while reading it. You created this ambient that kept waving from tenderness to uncertainty or fear of this uncertainty, kind of like an apprehension. I feel if I read this again tomorrow, I may recieve a different mood out of this.

But yes, this is really good. I just want to leave a suggestion, but I feel the punctuation in the first stanza would be more correct like this:

In some Morning sickness he - slouching
over the toilet in frail and trembling surreal conception -
carries spittle and bile in his beard.

or with commas instead of hyphens; but that's just a suggestion.

crazysam23_Atax 09-21-2012 01:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by seventh_angel
or with commas instead of hyphens; but that's just a suggestion.

I would do this. The semicolons confused me. That said, very good. It's got creepy, introspective vibe to it. I like that.

kdownes 09-21-2012 02:52 AM

This was really unsettling. I don't mean that in a bad way, this was well written enough that it unsettled me. It's existential at times, deeply personal at others; yet it never leaves the reader alienated. The grammar needs some work, but it didn't ruin the piece for me.

Svetlova 09-21-2012 09:33 AM

Grammar tightened up a bit.

thanks.

Cobrevolution 09-21-2012 04:10 PM

<3

culex-knight 09-22-2012 04:43 AM

Love it. Love it love it. Post more often.

Bleed Away 09-23-2012 09:06 AM

It's awesome to have you back, Lisa. I'll try to come back to give my own analysis of this piece, but what I can tell you now is that I really, really enjoyed this! :)

ali.guitarkid7 09-24-2012 07:45 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by culex-knight
Love it. Love it love it. Post more often.

This.

It's funny, just the other day I was thinking that I haven't read from you in a while. Glad that changed, haha.

Svetlova 09-24-2012 10:43 AM

Thanks everyone, the support means a lot as I've been trying to write a decent poem for about the past six months and it's been pretty frustrating. hopefully this spells the end of my writer's block and I'll be able to contribute more often.

I missed this place!

Something_Vague 09-26-2012 11:24 PM

Good job sweetie!

Svetlova 09-26-2012 11:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Something_Vague
Good job sweetie!


Shush you, you'll ruin your reputation of being the soulless critic and ego-smasher.

seventh_angel 09-27-2012 09:30 AM

Congrats. I've read some other pieces by you and you're an amazing writer. You were active here during a time when I had stopped writing. Glad you posted something, and again, this was good.

culex-knight 09-27-2012 11:07 AM

Congratulations, well deserved.

ZanasCross 09-27-2012 04:58 PM

This is one of the most unsettling pieces I've ever read on here (and up there with some of the ones I've read from the "professionals"). Something about the tone I read it in and the casual gender mixing/role mixing/societal standard mixing/etc made my stomach actually twist a bit as I read.

Solid, solid work and a well-deserved WotW.

cubs 10-02-2012 11:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by culex-knight
Love it. Love it love it. Post more often.


esto :heart:

grats on wotw!

BrandyCross 10-03-2012 11:33 AM

I really love it, the only thing I would even think of changing is underneath to beneath but that's just a personal thing.
Your 'ultrasound' verse isn't quite as flowing as the rest of it as well but if all fits in quite beautifully
Kudos to you.


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