wotw : The Ghost Catcher's Pocketbook
Welcome to our extraordinarily overdue second instalment in our “Everyday Pocketbooks” series. In our first instalment, "The Grave Robber's Pocketbook," we gave you a step-by-step guide into finding, uncovering, and encouraging your filthy, lewd behaviour/fantasies. After many court orders and ankle-tags, register-signings and a plethora A&E visits, our second instalment (we may have said that before) concerns those of us so shall be terrified of the dark no longer! We at...just realised we don't have a name yet...suggestions welcome!...are proud to present The Ghost Hunter's Pocketbook!
Follow these incredibly complicated steps and you are sure to have bagged yourself the ghost of your nightmares. Whether it be that ex who threatened you with that hammer that one time after prom, or the soon-to-be-shaky ghost of Michael J. Fox (1) quivering in the corner of some film studio, everything you need can be found in these very pages (or if you're reading this on an e-reader, fuck you, you pompous ass, buy a real book, you look like a twat.)
Step1: Let us assume that the technology seen in the Ghostbusters films starring Bill Murray and the other guy(2) exists, you will have to procure some more rudimentary apparatus. Now, according to research released in June 2012 by Harvard University, ghosts love cheese. So first, buy a big block of Brie or Leerdammer, the favourites of ghosts worldwide. Vintage cheddar works fairly well as a substitute. Following this purchase, you need to buy a small glass cage and either a cheese knife or cheese slicer. The cage doesn't need to be much bigger than a cage you would use to transport your dog from place to place. If you have never had a dog, you know how big one is, just get a glass cage of average size. Unless, of course, your spectral target is a bit on the hefty side, such as Oprah Winfrey or Beth Ditto(3). If you can't afford a glass cage and some cheese (?) then a rope with a lasso on the end(4) will suffice. How to catch a ghost with a lasso is briefly explained in Step 4b.
Step 2: Select your target. If you're not fussed and just want to catch a ghost for the sake of catching one, skip this step. If you're still reading, selecting a target is a potentially tricky procedure. Sure, many people no longer with us would make great ghoulish torture victims, but just catching a dozen of the things and keeping them in their respectful cages in your bedroom would probably alert the neighbours to some wrongdoings. Trust this author, it is incredibly difficult to convince police officers that the morbid screams coming from your house every night for the past month are nothing more than your cat inconceivably conceiving(5). One is enough. Pick someone who wasn't too personally known to you, but not someone who had no idea you existed, those in particular have a tendency to be more whiny than screamy, like a Jewish comedy club on Free Bar/Bat Mitzvah Night. Pick someone you know by name but not personality, like Henry VIII or Anne of Cleves, the only one of his wives you can name without thinking(6).
Step 3: Now we will discuss briefly the location. If you could(n't)(7) care less, carry on to the next step. According to research conducted by the Golden Screen University of Hollywood(8), male ghosts tend to follow good-looking, slightly academically successful young women. Female ghosts tend to follow Naomi Watts(9). So, regarding whichever gender of ghost you wish to catch, follow either of their most common targets, preferably at night, keeping your wits and concentration about you. Ghosts can and will appear from anywhere in any direction and may not appear for very long.
Step 4a: The Catch. This can be very complicated depending on how long you want to spend hunting and catching. If you're not willing to spend more than ten minutes of your precious time, I suggest using a big-ass block of cheese and a mixture of chloroform and methylated spirits(10). For those with the patience, place the glass cage in the middle of the room/park/prison cell you've chosen and, for starters, place a single slice of cheese within the cage, somewhere near the middle, it doesn't have to be exact, most ghosts aren't mathematicians and algebraists(11). Once done, hide in a dark corner – all this takes place at night, I probably should have mentioned this earlier, so if you're doing this as you're reading this, please accept my apologies and wait until the sun goes down, you moron – and wait patiently. I must insist you not take a packed lunch with you, regardless of how long you intend on staying there. Ghosts have amazing peripheral vision, any movement whatsoever will cause the ghost to turn around and walk away. So no opening packets of crisps/chips(12) or Ryvita or whatever. Most ghosts tend to be very tentative, so every half an hour or so, creep out of your corner and add a few more slices of cheese – if you're using Babybel, add three (seven Mini Babybel) more at a time. Four Babybel (nine Mini Babybel) is lethal to ghosts. Lactose intolerance does not pass over to the afterlife as of time of writing, hence the love of cheese. The chances of catching a ghost this way is once in every 450 days, but this method is the only one confirmed by science(13).
Step 4b: To catch a ghost with a lasso, simply throw the rope over the shoulders of the ghost, then pull the rope tight. If you are having trouble visualising this technique, watch one of the many episodes of the Hanna-Barbera docudrama Scooby-Doo, Where Are You![sic](14)
Step 4c: After many nights and a shitload of cheese, you may be lucky enough to have caught yourself a ghost. Once the ghost enters the cage, slam the door shut. If you had forgotten to leave door open when you inserted the cheese, you deserve all you get in life. Ghosts cannot travel through glass due to the quantum features of blown sand(15). Once the ghost is secured within the cage, run like fuck with the cage hanging in front of you by a couple of fingers, because ghosts are frightening when locked in the glass cage of purgatory.
Step 5: To get the ghost out of the cage without it pissing off and wasting many months of your valueless life, you need to purchase ghost-proof pincers. These tend to look similar to normal pincers, except there is a hand-drawn likeness of the Hello Kitty logo on the end of one of the handles. They are made of an alloy of alumin[i]um(17), copper, zinc, and radium. Ghost-proof nails (made from the same stuff) are required if you just want to keep it attached to your wall, assuming you aren't able to construct a room entirely of glass. Simply pince the ghost on the scruff of it's neck and lift it onto the nail/into the glass room and release.
And there you have it, in five easy to follow steps you have found your new occupation – likely unpaid – as a ghost catcher. Remember, friends, be responsible with your ghosts. If you have decided to catch Hitler(18), please keep him away from anyone not Aryan, including himself one seems. Stay tuned for Issue 3 coming soon to a neglected airport magazine rack near you!
1 – The editors would like to issue an apology to the soon-to-be-deceased Michael J. Fox. Parkinson's Disease isn't hysterical.
2 – Sigourney Weaver. Ed.
3 – The editors would like to make it known that the two women mentioned in the text are in fact not dead. We are working on rectifying this situation.
4 – A noose, in other words.
5 – Due to a current court order, this story is complete fiction. Wink-wink.(19)
6 – The editors could also think of Jane Seymour and Anne Bowling.
7 – Appeasing Americans (AA).
8 – The editors failed to confirm the existence of this university.
9 – As reported in the documentary film The Ring.
10 – The editors wish to point out that this is a joke conjured by the author's imagination. Chloroform is not necessary.(20)
11 – The author placed a bet that “algebraists” was a real word. The editors disagreed and promptly lost 40% of profits from this pocketbook.
12 – AA
13 – Correction; every 490 days, ghosts observe sporadic leap days.(21)
14 – Confusion surrounds the use of an exclamation point (!) at the end of a question (Where Are You). As of time of writing, the debate has yet to be resolved. Hanna-Barbera is suing the League of Grammar Nazis.
15 – The author failed to give documented evidence of this claim. Claimed truthful until proven otherwise.
16 – There is no sixteen. Made you look.(22)
17 – AA
18 – Other ridiculously racist and prejudiced dictators are available.
19 – Please ignore the “Wink-wink”. Ed.
20 – Please read as “Methylated Spirits are not necessary.” Ed.
21 – The editors are at a loss as to how their observance of leap days affects the outcome of catching one in such a way as this.
22 – The author refused to apologise, saying, and we quote, “Fuck them, they're idiots.” No further action has been taken.
:haha: This was excellent! If you could actually make a pocket book out of this, I would gladly buy it :D
this was really great.
Thanks my cherubs. This stupid vB code doesn't allow superscript, hence the annoying-as-all-hell bracketed footnote idents. Hopefully this is as good as the first one. Obviously, I went for more irreverence in this one, as a sort of desperate attempt from the unnamed publishers to try to hawk more copies. Glad you two enjoyed it.
Gold. Solid gold shaped into a phallus. Well done.
First sentence of step 1: Let's assume that the... needs either an "exists."
A select few parts read like it was trying a bit too hard to be funny, but I enjoyed this as a whole. Great job :)
That was the idea I was going for, occasional desperation, which I mentioned above somewhere. Glad you enjoyed it, though, 's all that matters to me.
Love you, Zach. That solid gold phallus will go well with my alumin(i)um vagina.
I saw this coming as Wotw. Nearly cried tears of laughter by the time I reached the footnotes.
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