Originally Posted by seventh_angel
I donít think
our clothes will ever smell
like the fusion of our scents,
because, even though we
exchange coats when your teeth
sound like a Parkinsonís victim
at a later stage, I still
with my jacket on in the morning.
This has the idea down, and the execution for me in terms of structure is good, all it seems to slow on is the diction. I find "don't think" as an opening heavy handed, considering the 'S' alliteration you have going in the next few lines. I'm not a huge fan of the image, but it did make me chuckle so I'd always keep it. I'd maybe consider moving about the last few lines though, I'd put the line break after jacket, remove the on completely, just the image of "leaving" with the jacket is a lonely image, and less specific than it being "on"... I did like the this.
I just wish
youíd leave that shell of shyness
I'd change 'that' to 'your', that sounds so vague
more often, because Iíd be
willing to heave a barrier
thatíd protect you from everything
that could hurt you in the world.
But leave the gate open,
Barrier to gate, I'd beef up gate into a better word.
for there are miracles in milliseconds
shaped in small responses and reactions
that youíll never notice if
youíre too busy staring at
the same walls that gave you nothing
but stillness in return.
That's a stunning part. It reads with pace, it flows and the diction is spot on, I'd go as far to say that it's the repetitive sounds, similar syllable count and a bit of meter in there too. If you've got the will, working on the rest of the piece to this standard would be awesome, a lot of it would be line length and the odd word change, so it's easily done.
Youíll never make me believe in madnesses
until you learn to love yourself,
but Iíll help.
Madnesses is a horrible word, I loathe the way it reads and sounds in this piece, I rarely advise it, but if you have to, get a thesaurus for that one. I like the ending, not love, it's a little bereft of impact, sometimes an anticlimax is preferred, hell its my usual route, but here even saying "but I will help" has more zing to it... If you want to get a bit fancy with the structure, triple space it too.
Overall this has a great overall feel, some good parts and some average parts, a bit of fine tuning with diction and phrasing and it's on it's way. :) ill be back to read your stuff.