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-   -   The dragon's treasure (http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1580665)

gorgon666 01-01-2013 07:17 PM

The dragon's treasure
 
Hi guys, this is the first song I've ever written and I would really love some feedback. It suppose to be power/speed metal.


The dragon's treasure

Verse 1
In the village of my childhood days
Lived a mountain man grizzled and grey
Once a mighty conquerer of the land
Now a weaver of tales so grand

Pre chorus
At night at the tavern I'd listen with pleasure
As he told the tale of a great dragon's treasure

Chorus
In a faraway land to the east
Guarded by a great fearsome beast
In ruins of an ancient keep
Amassed by the dragon now deep in his sleep
Piles of gleaming gold, gems beyond measure
Behold the infamous dragon's treasure

Verse 2
When came to for me to leave the village behind
I knew the treasure was all mine to find
With visions of grandeur or adventure at least
I set out and began the long journey east

Pre chorus
After many a day of hardship and hassle
My eyes feel upon the ruins of an ancient castle

Chorus

Verse 3
Inside the castle I began to creep
Down the stone stairs to the ancient keep
Sleeping the dragon lay around the golden mound
Moving silently, I dare not make a sound

Pre chorus
The dragon's eye opening, I did not heed
Collecting the treasure my thoughts filled with greed
The dragon's claws grabbed me, my body did bend
Bloody and lifeless, my story does end

Chorus

Saparasa 01-01-2013 07:45 PM

Wow! That was really awesome, love the feeling to it. Has that definite cheesy power metal lyrics kinda feel :D The rhymes are really solid, they all fit in well it doesn't seem forced. The general flow of the song feels quite natural with a few parts which feel a little squeezed in, however these would be corrected when singing, for example conqueror being pronounced con-cwer rather than con-ca-rer. In the final pre chorus on the third line I would change 'dragon's' to something like 'mighty' to avoid the repetition. Actually it might be nice to change both of the dragons in that pre chorus to something else, to add a little bit of mysteriousness to it, maybe it could be 'fearless eyes opening' instead. Well anyway, as i said it's really good overall and as a complete newby it's hard to fault but i gave it a go... I may be rambling a bit and might not make sense, but oh well!
It would be very nice if you were to look at my lyrics too please,
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1580591
Thanks :)

gorgon666 01-01-2013 09:43 PM

Thanks for the feedback, I've made a few changes to the lyrics already :)

Snake_of_eden 01-02-2013 09:12 AM

Sounds very great, ecspecially if it's your first :) A bit cheesy and you could add something deeper but thats not necessary

gorgon666 01-08-2013 07:30 PM

Bump

Toxification 01-10-2013 03:48 PM

I like the writing itself, but personally, I think the lyrics really only tell a story. Lyrics with morals and meaning to it is what makes a great song, IMO; that or it conveys emotion or produces a thick atmosphere. Writing about a fictional event is fine; but it should come with a package of meaning. It just seems more suitable for poetry than for actual music.




^This one is a good example of how to overcome another flaw. Your rhymes are too predictable, since you write about a fixed scenario. Beast, feast, teeth, grief, many words come to mind when talking about dragons for example. So they don't have that element of surprise and uniquity that give lyrics a very poetic quality.


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