UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com

UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com (http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/index.php)
-   Songwriting & Lyrics (http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=7)
-   -   Hometowns (http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1583234)

seventh_angel 01-16-2013 10:35 PM

Hometowns
 
Everyone’s returning now,
but, instead of suitcases,
they arrive in backpacks
with clothes for numbered days
because their home is somewhere else now
and hometowns become escapades.

jaybearch 01-19-2013 04:28 AM

I liked this a lot, mainly because of how much you fit thematically into 6 lines. I feel with the small word count, though, words like 'but' and 'because' detract from the poem more than they would in a longer piece. I get the purpose they serve, but it could give the poem more stopping power to remove them. It would take away from the flow you've established, however, so it's simply something to consider. I would, at the very least, take a look at the 'because' in the fifth line, because I do think here is something to be gained from removing it. I do enjoy this piece as well as the story you are trying to tell, though, so nice job :)

smartalecG94 01-19-2013 07:15 PM

This is my life now...T.T you hit it right on the head man.


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:28 PM.

Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.