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-   -   Moon-Sets and Full-Suns (http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287766)

streetcarp19 11-29-2005 12:20 PM

Moon-Sets and Full-Suns
 
These are very structured lyrics for me, so i hope you enjoy the change of scenery... :D

***
Sun-dial prophesies chiseled from the weather long ago.
Re-routing entire streams, in-between the cliffs that you decide.
Concerned, I am not, with what order seasons are to flow.
Cause leaves falling from green trees is between you and I.

Showers from an open sky
It's still dry beneath us.
Lava fights and birds that fly,
without any beaks or claws.

Stars are only light bulbs that need changing every month.
The moon reveals the day as the wolves howl at the full sun.
White caps of desert sand go crashing into distant bluffs.
I'm sure you wouldn't mind if this is the way it really was.

Showers from an open sky
It's still dry beneath us.
Lava fights and birds that fly,
without any beaks or claws,
or wings...
or wings...
or wings..

It was the caves that opened up and let us in.
Cascading glacier-ice falls, scrapes, and breaks sliver thin.
Is it safe?
Is it safe?

Safe to create this world where we will never live.
Where moon-sets streak and full sun's rise over snow-capped peaks.
we can only pretend
only pretend...
pretend.

Showers from an open sky
It's still dry beneath us.
Lava fights and birds that fly,
without any beaks or claws,
or wings...
or wings...
or wings..

tsp 11-29-2005 12:22 PM

ye this si really good. i like the sort of constant tranfered epithetic kind of thing you keep through out - relating nature to people/people to nature. I agreee; similar style to me, so i can relate.

great stuff, well done :cheers:

streetcarp19 11-29-2005 01:07 PM

Thanks a lot bro.

streetcarp19 11-29-2005 06:15 PM

Anymore on this?

HendrixEdge 11-29-2005 06:21 PM

Great imagery, subtle use of an expansive vocabulary and a chorus that has substance yet is still easy on the ear.

Congratulations, I doubt there's anything I can tell you about this piece that you don't already know.

Peace.

streetcarp19 11-29-2005 09:09 PM

Hey, thanks a lot, and not just because you liked it.

streetcarp19 12-01-2005 12:23 PM

Anyone else?

Grovermans 12-03-2005 01:34 PM

that was really good.
the flow seemed weird in some places
but that's really not a problem.

streetcarp19 12-03-2005 07:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grovermans
the flow seemed weird in some places
I agree, and that is what I usually sacrifice when I write really structured lyrics.

streetcarp19 12-04-2005 11:50 AM

Last call...

IamJonsCranium 12-05-2005 12:19 AM

last call? are you deleting it?

very good song. i would like to hear the music you put to it. love the conflicting imagery

showers from an open sky. its still dry beneath us. good line.

streetcarp19 12-06-2005 02:21 PM

No, no, not deleting it, that was just a shameless way to bump it, I suspose.

But thanks for the comment, and the music will be something like The Red Sparrows song, "Our Happiest Days Slowly Began to Turn into Dust," if you would like to download and listen. I would leave a link, but I haven't those capabilities at the moment.

SilenceEvolves 12-07-2005 01:55 PM

This is a bump right now. Edit in a comment later.

Stars are only lights bulbs that need changing every month.

There is something amiss with this line. Mainly, "lights" and "bulbs" should not both be plural.

Safe to create this world where we will never live.
Where moon-sets streak and full sun's rise over snow-capped peaks.
we can only pretend
only pretend...
pretend.


For some reason, I just didn't like this bit.

I'm sure you wouldn't mind if this is the way it really was.

This line didn't seem to fit with the piece at all.

Cause leaves falling from green trees is between you and I.

I think it'd be "are" rather than "is." I also think it'd be "me" rather than "I," though I guess that'd ruin your rhyme.

Concerned, I am not, with what order seasons are to flow.

I think this just sounds artsy for the sake of sounding artsy. Why not just say "I am not concerned...?"

It was the caves that opened up and let us in.
Cascading glacier-ice falls, scrapes, and breaks sliver thin.
Is it safe?
Is it safe?


Last but not least, something seems awry with this bit too. The wording just didn't make sense to me.

Overall I loved the imagery and stuff, but you just seemed to, uh, try too hard to make it seem artsy in a couple places, and made routine mistakes in others. It was great, though. Good work. Nice change in pace from your normal stuff.

Efferri 12-07-2005 02:10 PM

As a poem, I think this is really well written. I like how you ventured out with the structure too. As a song, (in my opinion) I think it would be a little hard to follow. Unless you are the type to look up and study lyrics to songs (which I admit, i do sometimes hehehe)

Excellent work man, I hope to see more from you.

streetcarp19 12-07-2005 03:50 PM

Don't worry, you will se more from me...I never leave.

SilenceEvolves 12-07-2005 05:45 PM

No, you always leave. You just come back a few weeks later. I edited in a critique up there.

streetcarp19 12-07-2005 07:09 PM

Thanks Cory, the time you put into that means a lot to me.

Buleh Weeni!! 12-08-2005 01:44 AM

IT"S FULL MOON AND SUN SETS you ****ing jerkoff. how about you go back to school your ****ing third grade drop out sore excuse for a homo sapien. **** HOMO SEXUALS!

streetcarp19 12-08-2005 01:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buleh Weeni!!
IT"S FULL MOON AND SUN SETS you ****ing jerkoff. how about you go back to school your ****ing third grade drop out sore excuse for a homo sapien. **** HOMO SEXUALS!
Hey man, thanks for your honesty.

bulleh weeny3 12-08-2005 03:09 PM

honesty is overated


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