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-   -   Johanna/ The moment (http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=522327)

Serrana 02-09-2007 11:27 PM

Johanna/ The moment
 
Just a simple little love song I wrote a while ago. Any critique appreciated. Forgive the simple rhyming scheme, I write my songs to music and I find that this fits best to the song.

You wake up as an angel tugs at your sleeve
You've never had faith in a woman but she makes you believe
The air, your lungs, she said, the trees
Bring about the world from the damned to the free

With her voice like a morning dove
And the dawn in her hair
When she flies up to the heavens at night
The stars stop to stare

You rise up and step outside
And breathe in the morning air
Your hands find their way above your head
And you can't remember if you ever had a care (awkward)

Johanna is back to sleep in the bed
And a smile has crept onto her face
Her hair runs wild down her body
To the sash of flowers at her waist

Her heart as free as a stallion
But her love as rewarding as the sun
Peace and love fill the melody
Of every song she's ever sung

Her eyes are soft like the blanket of night
But they pierce through your soul
Her skin you touch with every love
That you knew was not as bold

In an instant she knows your dreams
And with a word she makes them come true
The moment she leaves you know
It's a moment that's come too soon

MastaBassist10 02-10-2007 04:16 AM

Well, I love the lyrical, very nice, but the rhyming is overdone. Try changing up the rhyme flow/scheme to make it less cheesy and cliche. Otherwise, good.

Can you check my latest rap? Thanks!
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...584#post8206584

adscott1982 02-10-2007 07:50 AM

Pretty pretty pretty gooood.

As Larry David would say. I like it, quite poetic I think.

beakerbeaker 02-10-2007 08:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serrana
Just a simple little love song I wrote a while ago. Any critique appreciated. Forgive the simple rhyming scheme, I write my songs to music and I find that this fits best to the song.

You wake up as an angel tugs at your sleeve (11)
You've never had faith in a woman but she makes you believe (15)
The air, your lungs, she said, the trees (8)
Bring about the world from the damned to the free (11)

I can't sing it in my head, the syllable count between the lines is very different. This applies throughout. Having said that, I like the concept, especially the first 2 lines.


With her voice like a morning dove
And the dawn in her hair
When she flies up to the heavens at night
The stars stop to stare

Apart from the rhythm there's nothing I would change about this verse, it's really beautiful.

You rise up and step outside
And breath in the morning air
Your hands find their way above your head
And you can't remember if you ever had a care (awkward)

You're right about the fourth line but I assume your sorting that. The verb to breathe has an 'e' on the end.

Johanna is back to sleep in the bed
And a smile has crept onto her face
Her hair runs wild down her body
To the sash of flowers at her waist

Again, very little to change in this one, it works well


Her heart as raw as a stallion
But her love as rewarding as the sun
Peace and love fill the melody
Of every song she's sung

I would put something like 'wild' instead of 'raw' because 'raw as a stallion' sounds a little odd to me. I would also leave out the 'but' in the second line, a connective at the start of a line sounds a little awkward. The last two lines fit nicely, maybe put 'ever' between 'she's' and 'sung'. Depends on how your melody goes.

Her eyes are soft like the blanket of night
But they pierce through your soul
Her skin you touch with every love
That you knew was not as bold

Again with the 'but' thing, up to you but I would give it a miss. Not too sure about the last two lines, they don't make sense to me but I suppose they don't have to :P

In an instant she knows your dreams
And with a word she makes them come true
The moment she leaves you know
It's a moment that's come too soon

Loved the last 2 lines, a pretty much perfect ending sentiment. First two lines are okay too.


Overall a really good set of lyrics, really heartfelt and emotive, perfect for a love song! Another thing I noticed was your rhyme scheme, in the first verse its rhyming couplets and in the rest its alternating. Up to you whether to change or not. Sorry if it was a little harsh in places, but I guess you want the truth! :D

Hope I helped, please crit mine, they're in the sig (do Josie, the other one is a bit crappy heh)

adscott1982 02-10-2007 09:33 AM

You rise up and step outside
And breath in the morning air

breathe*

Serrana 02-10-2007 11:38 AM

Thanks for crits guys, and beakerbeaker I appreciate the indepth analysis! And it was "wild like a stallion" but while I was posting it I realized I used wild a few lines up, so I changed it. I changed it to "free" so that might work better.


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