Originally Posted by andychalmers102

crit4crit as always :)


Is this the catch?
Are you for real?
No string attached,
No misinterpretations.
misinterpretations seems a bit long and kind of disrupts the flow so far

Your try to forge,
A life like this,
But the end,
You always come crawling back.
i think "your" should be "you".. correct? otherwise, this part seems a little short, and some of the lines should be combined to smooth out the flow a little. if you like the lines, take the commas off the ends of them =). you should but an "in" after the "but" in "but the end"

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
You’ve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.
"whom" should just be "who" here. otherwise i like this part

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I can’t stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
It’s just a poor excuse.
not bad. id recommend combining the last two lines though

As you emerge,
Through the smoke,
I see every scar,
Every nut and bolt,

I read your face,
Like you read my mind,
You see the carnage,
I left behind.
these two arent bad, just way shorter than the rest of it so they seem a little out of place... but i like them.

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
You’ve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I can’t stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
It’s just a poor excuse.

The voices in your head tell you:
Hey little Johnny,
You’ll be just fine,
Ignore all those who criticize,
Screw them all,
Just live your life,
And ignore the screech of your decline,
from "ignore" to "decline"... this part is a little awkward. i like the message but perhaps reword it a bit?
Hey little Johnny,
You’ll be just fine.

Originally Posted by andychalmers102

crit4crit as always :)


Is this the catch?
Are you for real?
No string attached,
No misinterpretations.
I like the first 3 lines, but i feel like misinterpretations is the wrong choice - kinda destroys the flow a little.

You try to forge,
A life like this,
But in the end,
You always come crawling back.
Last line seems to be too long for this stanza, although i think the previous lines could be longer, maybe combining the first two lines and adding something to the second. For some reason i could see a reeli good line to do with forging - flames, machinery, metal. Something like that :p:

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
You’ve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.
Should be 'who' i think, but otherwise reeli good. Nice hook.

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I can’t stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
It’s just a poor excuse.
Really like the first two lines. I would add another line to rhyme with glory, otherwise the previous rhyme may seem out of place. But, at the same time, another line may well diminish the power of the first two, which would b a shame. Perhaps combine the last two lines instead.

As you emerge,
Through the smoke,
I see every scar,
Every nut and bolt,
I like the imagery here.

I read your face,
Like you read my mind,
You see the carnage,
I left behind.
And here. Perhaps these two stanzas are a little short in comparision to the others, but with the right use of melody i think this could work well.

Look at whom the cat dragged in,
You’ve been rejected once again,
I wish I had the power to pretend.

Scratching through the stench of your pretension,
Everything you see is your invention,
And I can’t stand to hear your claims to glory,
Because in the end,
It’s just a poor excuse.

The voices in your head tell you:
Hey little Johnny,
You’ll be just fine,
Ignore all those who criticize,
Screw them all,
Just live your life,
And ignore the screech of your decline,
Hey little Johnny,
You’ll be just fine.
I like 'hey little johnny, you'll b just fine'. I think that works well as an outro. The rest im not so sure about.