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Search: Posts Made By: hippieboy444
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-26-2014, 02:05 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 238
Posted By hippieboy444
all the best. i am glad you have been here.

all the best. i am glad you have been here.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-26-2014, 02:05 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 170
Posted By hippieboy444
edited. added to rather than removed from. think...

edited. added to rather than removed from. think it still leans on delirious. maybe that isn't bad. formatting still is not quite right.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-25-2014, 12:45 PM
Replies: 8
3am
Views: 110
Posted By hippieboy444
i like this. minimal.

i like this. minimal.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 09:54 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 170
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, i agree, the ending is weak. that's a big...

yeah, i agree, the ending is weak. that's a big issue i have in writing: how to wrap things up.

in the first stanza, the quotation marks are mainly visual.

i've been reading a bit of robert...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-22-2014, 11:12 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 113
Posted By hippieboy444
nice. brief and simple.

nice. brief and simple.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-21-2014, 10:07 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 240
Posted By hippieboy444
maybe roll with it? try injecting even more...

maybe roll with it? try injecting even more vulgar images and shit into it. maybe make it an exercise in how disgustingly porno-infused you can make it?
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-21-2014, 10:05 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 113
Posted By hippieboy444
interesting comparison between church and...

interesting comparison between church and sexuality. your recent pieces have been a nice breath of fresh air in this way.

i think this is solid. the first stanza could introduce things better: it...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-20-2014, 12:54 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 170
Posted By hippieboy444
the annex

she calls to [,m,e,,]
‘’’’’ ,,,,,,
yet outside, the snow
falls, in sheets. she lights
the one candle i might see by,
which she knows

(of all: else) the curtains drawn,
and i too, call her name
&s,,
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-17-2014, 01:46 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 302
Posted By hippieboy444
of recent work, this is my favorite i've read...

of recent work, this is my favorite i've read from you. you're really coming into your own with lyrics (these are lyrics, right?).

congrats, well deserved.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-15-2014, 08:49 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 141
Posted By hippieboy444
know this feeling too well. hope things lighten...

know this feeling too well. hope things lighten for you. it can be rough.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-15-2014, 08:10 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 271
Posted By hippieboy444
my first thought until i got about halfway...

my first thought until i got about halfway through what that maybe it would be effective to have no enjambment, presenting everything in more of a prose format.

but as the piece picks up i doubt...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-15-2014, 08:05 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 240
Posted By hippieboy444
also, as an aside, part of me always wished i...

also, as an aside, part of me always wished i lack the sensitivity to **** fine bitches with no remorse. alas.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-15-2014, 08:04 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 240
Posted By hippieboy444
the last three lines are really awesome. they...

the last three lines are really awesome. they really tie the whole room together (so to speak). the first one introduces things well enough, and the pendulum image is nice; the last line doesn't seem...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-14-2014, 12:32 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 189
Posted By hippieboy444
i like this. it was strange, at the first...

i like this. it was strange, at the first instance, because i wasn't sure where you were going to go, but towards the end this really picks up in a nice way. i think maybe you could vary the nouns...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-13-2014, 11:06 AM
Replies: 2,107
Views: 69,556
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, i'll mail to you dude! i've done that...

yeah, i'll mail to you dude! i've done that before, it's like 6$, no worries on that. shoot me your address on here.

yeah, katie and i talked last night and we're gonna try it. see what happens....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-12-2014, 10:15 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 291
Posted By hippieboy444
this was the highlight of the piece excepting the...

this was the highlight of the piece excepting the last two lines. the image here and the coherence really caught me.

i agree with JDude that there seem to be a few different strands threading in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 10:44 AM
Replies: 4
-ie
Views: 202
Posted By hippieboy444
this is easily the most challenging piece i've...

this is easily the most challenging piece i've read from you.

i have a hard time deciphering some parts but i like the repetition of city combined with the ending. the ending is really effective....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-10-2014, 01:43 PM
Replies: 2,107
Views: 69,556
Posted By hippieboy444
i'm putting together another zine of poetry if...

i'm putting together another zine of poetry if anyone here is interested. i'll be shipping them out around christmas or slightly after. they're free. i'm printing 10-20 depending. you can message me...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-10-2014, 10:51 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 301
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, i'm thinking about the latter part of that...

yeah, i'm thinking about the latter part of that line. currently i have it edited to "heard it echo like novenas in the ministry of my skeleton". i think i prefer ministry, but i still don't like...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-09-2014, 02:57 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 301
Posted By hippieboy444
morning after pill

i wish i knew what i was thinking when i left my body. i rose above the apartment building and watched the rainy ashpalt hover disparate from the street. something like mystic river. inevitably i...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-09-2014, 01:58 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 218
Posted By hippieboy444
still, a solid work with some high points. i know...

still, a solid work with some high points. i know i'm always kind of hard on you, but the good parts of your pieces are really good. cleaning this up could make something pretty special.

thanks for...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-08-2014, 12:14 PM
Replies: 2,107
Views: 69,556
Posted By hippieboy444
im trying not to rush into things. baby steps....

im trying not to rush into things. baby steps. she's coming over tonight, we'll see what happens. my original plan when is started liking her was not to say or do anything until december, but maybe i...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 12:25 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 111
Posted By hippieboy444
ampersand

far off,
you point to
a phosphorescent brick building,
the windows’ glass iridescent
in evening light:

my heart of iridium
pounds heavy,
slow:
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 11:34 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 173
Posted By hippieboy444
i feel this really picks up after "but all i...

i feel this really picks up after "but all i can be". the opening lines are a bit too direct for my taste personally. it's something i've been thinking about lately, too: how to say those sorts of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 12:09 AM
Replies: 2,107
Views: 69,556
Posted By hippieboy444
precisely b/c she's my best friend. it might make...

precisely b/c she's my best friend. it might make things uncomfortable or weird between us. also, i have historically handled rejection pretty bad, and i dont want to risk our friendship.

it's...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 09:57 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 244
Posted By hippieboy444
well, the narrator is trying to say that the...

well, the narrator is trying to say that the distance wouldn't be as long (surprising in this way) and more interesting (less repetitive). however, i'll consider what i can do. i agree that the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 04:35 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 244
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, that's right. opstedal is tight!

yeah, that's right. opstedal is tight!
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 11:11 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 221
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah the second stanza really picks this up. i...

yeah the second stanza really picks this up. i agree with jimi, some of the lines weren't memorable and maybe the path could be more direct between the first lines and where you end.

the last 4...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 11:08 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 244
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, i was inspired by your poem and used the...

yeah, i was inspired by your poem and used the state line image. the mars/moon part was inspired by a kevin opstedal poem. you may have turned me on to him - didn't you start an older piece with his...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-03-2014, 09:06 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 244
Posted By hippieboy444
thanks for checking this out. yeah, i feel the...

thanks for checking this out. yeah, i feel the third stanza. i'll see waht i can do.

i never figured out how to end the older piece you commented on a while back. i hate when that happens.

glad to...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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