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Search: Posts Made By: hippieboy444
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics Yesterday, 12:01 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 65
Posted By hippieboy444
overall, i enjoy this, but the first two stanzas...

overall, i enjoy this, but the first two stanzas dont connect as strongly as they ought with the last two. i like the *vibe* of the intro, but i feel like it bears too weak a relation to where the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-28-2014, 11:51 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 78
Posted By hippieboy444
i like this. weird and satisfying. thanks for...

i like this. weird and satisfying.

thanks for posting. i'm keeping an eye out for future pieces from you.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-25-2014, 09:43 PM
Replies: 2
e.
Views: 123
Posted By hippieboy444
i really like this but i don't like the ending...

i really like this but i don't like the ending much. the last line seems more gestural than final; if i remember, was it previously "the skin of you"? i think i prefered that.

that being said, i...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-22-2014, 09:01 PM
Replies: 3
a.
Views: 223
Posted By hippieboy444
i feel like (spectacular) could be moved down a...

i feel like (spectacular) could be moved down a line or over or something.

brevity alludes me. i wish i had this economy of lines.

:waldo:
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-22-2014, 08:58 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 144
Posted By hippieboy444
this is really quite nice. i only hesitate over...

this is really quite nice. i only hesitate over the first couple of lines, i feel you could introduce the poem in a stronger way.

still, this builds to a great ending. i enjoy it. i hope things are...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-22-2014, 08:55 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 198
Posted By hippieboy444
the title is really lovely but overall this piece...

the title is really lovely but overall this piece lacks to me. i think your first two lines are nice, but the way it ends feels obvious, like you're taking the easy way out of ending it. i would love...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-20-2014, 09:40 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 260
Posted By hippieboy444
'untitled'

to stay. but,
yet withheld;

we ponder a sea of stars
as eager as once we
swam amongst them;

shy columns of light sinking between the cracks of our knuckles
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-18-2014, 12:04 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 220
Posted By hippieboy444
this is quite nice. i am always jealous when...

this is quite nice. i am always jealous when people can write such nice poems with such few words. i never feel comfortable with such brevity.

it works really nicely here. the only thing i might...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-17-2014, 05:16 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 347
Posted By hippieboy444
surprised this never took in the forum. i...

surprised this never took in the forum. i actually really like it, especially how it ends. the first stanza is the weekest, maybe you could find a way to ease into the context better. it seems...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-15-2014, 11:30 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 275
Posted By hippieboy444
i always marvel at the space you use in your...

i always marvel at the space you use in your poems. i could not use as much as you do comfortably. your writing always breathes so much

this poem, as faux said, is very relatable. good work. thanks...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-13-2014, 11:03 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 363
Posted By hippieboy444
revised. if i could find the key to your heart,...

revised.

if i could find
the key to
your heart, dear,
it would be better than
christmas - all the christmases
i have lived through; and,,
and all the birthdays, too.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-12-2014, 03:18 PM
Replies: 2,029
Views: 65,064
Posted By hippieboy444
i'm really sorry to hear all this. people are...

i'm really sorry to hear all this. people are really confusing and great and flawed. but it is always good to gain experience and to learn from them - that's really the joy of being alive, to figure...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-11-2014, 12:12 PM
Replies: 16
Views: 525
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, i feel this. i wasn't sure how to draw this...

yeah, i feel this. i wasn't sure how to draw this piece to a close.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-10-2014, 11:08 PM
Replies: 16
Views: 525
Posted By hippieboy444
i kind of regret responding to him in the first...

i kind of regret responding to him in the first place.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-10-2014, 09:42 PM
Replies: 16
Views: 525
Posted By hippieboy444
mike - if you knew anything about this particular...

mike - if you knew anything about this particular forum, you would know that many people post poetry here. in fact, all of the regulars in the community thread predominantly write poetry. i wouldn't...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-10-2014, 09:36 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 378
Posted By hippieboy444
this is really nice. i love all the images you...

this is really nice. i love all the images you have and how this progresses. but i would say that the images could be more cohesive; after you introduce more, perhaps you could develop it better. the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-10-2014, 01:25 PM
Replies: 16
Views: 525
Posted By hippieboy444
these aren't lyrics; that's rather self-evident....

these aren't lyrics; that's rather self-evident. please don't read any of my pieces in the future if your critiques are like this one here.

thanks to those of you with more thoughtful critiques.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-10-2014, 12:20 AM
Replies: 16
Views: 525
Posted By hippieboy444
katy perry

or "would you fu/ck katy perry if you had the chance?"

this is rough.

on the cover of cosmo,
katy perry stands elegant and long
her arms raised,
a right hand hidden behind her head
with the left...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-09-2014, 01:23 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 267
Posted By hippieboy444
to clarify, i dont mean necessarily critiquing...

to clarify, i dont mean necessarily critiquing the words without the melody, etc; more the phrasing and the flow of the words. i wasn't clear in my original post.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-09-2014, 12:26 AM
Replies: 2,029
Views: 65,064
Posted By hippieboy444
i saw an American Football 2xLP at a record store...

i saw an American Football 2xLP at a record store this weekend. so weird to think i could not have ever found that album in a store just a year ago - now it's a double record.

the arrival of emo is...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-08-2014, 06:24 PM
Replies: 4
You
Views: 275
Posted By hippieboy444
surprised this hasnt gotten more attention. i...

surprised this hasnt gotten more attention. i don't like that first line (maybe i'm just not a big fan of pies), but the last three lines are quite nice. they could perhaps use more enjambment or...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-08-2014, 06:21 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 267
Posted By hippieboy444
this is pretty decent. it has its moments. i...

this is pretty decent. it has its moments. i think there a few places to check: the first kind of chorus stanza could be less bloated ("the rigmarole..."). it is not only a bit wordy (not literally,...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-08-2014, 06:14 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 273
Posted By hippieboy444
this is a strong work. all the images fit...

this is a strong work. all the images fit together quite well and it flows within itself. as the above said, the ending was great. only thing i have to offer is that i dislike the title, it gives...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-08-2014, 06:11 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 251
Posted By hippieboy444
i like this. quite a nice read. only small things...

i like this. quite a nice read. only small things i have to offer is that i didn't like the capital at the beginning of each of line, and some more punctuation could help in places.

thanks for...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-03-2014, 09:33 AM
Replies: 2,029
Views: 65,064
Posted By hippieboy444
you prefer Ares Vallis to June Highs? I haven't...

you prefer Ares Vallis to June Highs? I haven't listened much to Ares Vailles but i def find June Highs more precise and cohesive. I pre-ordered their new EP on cassette too!

Lots of good bands in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-02-2014, 11:35 PM
Replies: 2,029
Views: 65,064
Posted By hippieboy444
yo, so i'm not sure how tolerated promoting is of...

yo, so i'm not sure how tolerated promoting is of other things on this forum (? risking a ban ??), but Toasted Plastic are going on tour in a few days and i highly recommend trying to hear them if...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-02-2014, 11:14 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 258
Posted By hippieboy444
this reminds me a charlie kaufman screenplay...

this reminds me a charlie kaufman screenplay (interesting parallel to the discussion in the community thread): it is seemingly disjointed, blurring times and spaces but it fits together all the same....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-27-2014, 09:11 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 247
Posted By hippieboy444
i like the overall arc to this. much of what...

i like the overall arc to this. much of what you're alluding to is good, but how you're saying it could be cleaned up. to me, the image of each stanza could be developed much more. i particularly...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-26-2014, 09:42 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 267
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah this looks way better in classic.

yeah this looks way better in classic.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-26-2014, 09:41 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 267
Posted By hippieboy444
goddamn it's hard to read dark green (dark...

goddamn it's hard to read dark green (dark green?) on black! maybe iu need to use UG classic.

anyway, brevity is tough to pull off and here i think you could develop more. i like how this ends, but...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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