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Search: Posts Made By: Cyclones41
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-26-2015, 03:13 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 159
Posted By Cyclones41
Here We Are

i've seen the sun shine through the red, blue, and gold of
a stained glass window and i hear that's supposed to
bring me hope. and i hope my hope isn't dependent upon
the preacher's words because...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-22-2015, 02:03 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 376
Posted By Cyclones41
First of all, it's great to read from you again,...

First of all, it's great to read from you again, Dylan; I've missed seeing you post.

Second, I really liked this piece. Unlike Jammydude, I felt like here, the Jesus/God mentions actually were part...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-22-2015, 01:36 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 189
Posted By Cyclones41
Seeds

i.
i used to have these lumps on my chest, and everyone
assured me they were normal. but i knew from the moment
they started sprouting up that someday i would have to weed
them out the way i used to...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-21-2015, 04:44 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 233
Posted By Cyclones41
I think my biggest complaint is the transition...

I think my biggest complaint is the transition between the first stanza and the rest of the piece. The language in the first few lines of the piece were really perfect, but they had a very different...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-19-2015, 05:36 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 288
Posted By Cyclones41
Hey Andre, it's great to read from you again....

Hey Andre, it's great to read from you again. Since I've been back I've been eagerly awaiting a post.

I have to say, this isn't my favorite from you. It's definitely not bad, and it certainly has...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-18-2015, 12:28 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 271
Posted By Cyclones41
That was a solid edit. I think that helps...

That was a solid edit. I think that helps significantly, actually. Good work!
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-17-2015, 11:49 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 271
Posted By Cyclones41
The second half of this piece is much stronger...

The second half of this piece is much stronger than the first. I'm particularly fond of "the dusk is still dusk in the daylight." That said, I don't know that the first half does much for the second...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-17-2015, 11:41 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 189
Posted By Cyclones41
Bones

I used to tap my head to see if it was real, but then i'd just wonder if
my hand was a lie, too. i couldn't understand owning a body that
held itself together without any necessary effort. It...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-14-2015, 01:37 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 302
Posted By Cyclones41
I like the jarring ending that...

I like the jarring ending that "disoriented." gives, and I definitely think this has potential. Perhaps this is just personal taste, but I would encourage you to move away from having the same kind...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-12-2015, 08:22 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 306
Posted By Cyclones41
Park Prophets

"The prophet is a man who feels fiercely." -- Abraham Heschel

I know what it feels like to have prophetic words
trembling at the back of my throat
and to have a tongue so stiff that they
remain...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-12-2015, 08:00 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 932
Posted By Cyclones41
I love this. Especially the subtle biblical...

I love this. Especially the subtle biblical imagery. I think the form serves this poem well, too. I know this isn't super helpful, but I really do love what you have here. Thanks for sharing.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-09-2015, 12:42 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 225
Posted By Cyclones41
Chagall

At night I wrap myself in warm thoughts of your hands on my chest like they could rest there without dreaming of anyone else. I don't have dreams of anyone else anymore, but I still wake up cold. You...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-31-2014, 04:10 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 256
Posted By Cyclones41
Let There Be Light

If I could create anything, I'd use my fingertips
to paint the constellations on your back, except
I'd trade the big dipper for the big spoon.
I would sear the moon into your eyelids
with my lips...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-02-2014, 12:48 PM
Replies: 11
Views: 626
Posted By Cyclones41
I have really been enjoying your work lately, but...

I have really been enjoying your work lately, but to me, this is the most cohesive piece you've posted in awhile (at least that I've seen). I really love this. The ending is on point. You capture the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-02-2014, 12:29 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 297
Posted By Cyclones41
Don't tell me.

Nothing like the sound of crunching leaves
to bring back the memories
of past missteps.
Memories of candlelit dinners and
whispering tunes that always
made you feel.
You promised me that we could...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-14-2014, 05:15 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 266
Posted By Cyclones41
I absolutely love this. The last line does...

I absolutely love this. The last line does exactly what a last line is supposed to--it hits everything home in an oddly satisfying yet mysterious way. I agree with vintage, though, on the "head"...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-12-2014, 02:33 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 255
Posted By Cyclones41
On the Devil

I used to sit in the first pew to feel
the wind from the preacher's mouth
as he warned us of the devil.
He told us the devil lived in people
and to pray every day that he wouldn't live in us.
I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-05-2014, 03:36 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 481
Posted By Cyclones41
I dig this. There's something about the following...

I dig this. There's something about the following lines that throws me off, though:

"how it meanders, and
trace scratchy edges
outlines a trembling blue oval"

I think it just seems awkward that...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-03-2014, 07:05 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 192
Posted By Cyclones41
Kelsey

Kelsey

I am more afraid of admitting my fears than I am of my fears themselves.
And there is nothing scarier than the white on my knuckles
that always appears just before my hand turns red with...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-13-2014, 11:57 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 534
Posted By Cyclones41
Wow! Thank you so much, y'all. It truly means the...

Wow! Thank you so much, y'all. It truly means the world.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-23-2014, 06:27 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 387
Posted By Cyclones41
You know I actually really like this. I used to...

You know I actually really like this. I used to hate short pieces, because they always left me wanting. But I've grown to appreciate ones like these--ones that, while short, still relay a message...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-23-2014, 06:19 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 534
Posted By Cyclones41
WotW: Dear...,

Before tonight, I’d never written a love letter.
Before tonight I tried to ink my love to you, but a
lover does not love make, so instead I wrote fear.
I wrote the fear of being alone
and the fear of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-30-2014, 02:39 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 334
Posted By Cyclones41
vocoderboy: yes, as in deli, but it's a...

vocoderboy: yes, as in deli, but it's a restaurant that spells it Delly. :) I almost spelled it wrong, because I wanted to spell it right...if that makes sense, lol. thanks for the positive...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-30-2014, 01:05 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 334
Posted By Cyclones41
College Delly

I will critique back, of course. Here's a link to the audio:

https://soundcloud.com/brett-rae-1/college-delly-1

It's a bumpy road I'm walkin' on
one day I'm here, and the next I'm gone
I don't know...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-15-2013, 02:37 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 266
Posted By Cyclones41
^ yep. Loved it.

^ yep. Loved it.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-13-2013, 02:03 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 302
Posted By Cyclones41
Nameless

Dear friend I can no longer name,

You were the first friend I had that asked me questions and waited around for the answer.
You were the first friend I had that woke me up long before I was ready...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-07-2013, 04:06 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 826
Posted By Cyclones41
Thanks for the welcome back, Andre! Glad to be...

Thanks for the welcome back, Andre! Glad to be back posting/reading. Okay, I really like the first section. I thought it ended with a punch, which is excellent. I think the second and third stanzas...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-07-2013, 03:59 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 386
Posted By Cyclones41
This was hard to read because there didn't seem...

This was hard to read because there didn't seem to be a very consistent flow with it. It was also super simple--which I normally like--but it could stand to have some imagery. The topic is one that's...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-07-2013, 03:46 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 304
Posted By Cyclones41
On the Shores

I remember checking my mail and finding a picture of a man and his sand sculpture. “It reminded me of you,” was all you had written. Back then I took it as a compliment; as a cute sign of hope that...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-06-2013, 05:57 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 416
Posted By Cyclones41
Jimi, you always have a way of taking something...

Jimi, you always have a way of taking something average and making it beautiful. I loved this. I stumbled a bit (every time I read this--which was about 5 times) over, "but the body, once removed,...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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