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Search: Posts Made By: hippieboy444
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-15-2014, 05:41 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 197
Posted By hippieboy444
despair actually reads a lot better. thinking...

despair actually reads a lot better.

thinking of blue, maybe adding a part in the last stanza that relates the color blue to the sky and an image of it crashing down might add some contrast and...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-13-2014, 11:57 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 197
Posted By hippieboy444
this is really nice. overall the voice and pacing...

this is really nice. overall the voice and pacing was well controlled. a few parts felt out of place, like the use of "blue" in the last stanza (maybe a tad obvious); and "sadness" in the first....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-11-2014, 12:14 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 213
Posted By hippieboy444
also, yeah, fred, post the chord progression so i...

also, yeah, fred, post the chord progression so i can get a sense of the timing here. :rolleyes:
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-11-2014, 12:13 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 213
Posted By hippieboy444
this has its moments but i feel it needs some...

this has its moments but i feel it needs some marinating time. maybe that would be enough - leave it for a month and come back and see what you think. i find this helps me a lot. i guess the reason...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-10-2014, 02:30 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 425
Posted By hippieboy444
cleaned this up and added a line. thanks for the...

cleaned this up and added a line. thanks for the help everyone.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-09-2014, 09:50 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 137
Posted By hippieboy444
eye of a needle

i pale into
the memory of a quiet farm
blanketed with pure white snow. the
shadows in the grey dusk loom
as cruel as obsidian. our modest pond is frozen
and the fence posts all stand crooked,
also...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-02-2014, 04:05 PM
Replies: 11
Views: 441
Posted By hippieboy444
your poems breathe some much. good work.

your poems breathe some much. good work.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-26-2014, 02:05 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 363
Posted By hippieboy444
all the best. i am glad you have been here.

all the best. i am glad you have been here.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-26-2014, 02:05 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 258
Posted By hippieboy444
edited. added to rather than removed from. think...

edited. added to rather than removed from. think it still leans on delirious. maybe that isn't bad. formatting still is not quite right.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-25-2014, 12:45 PM
Replies: 8
3am
Views: 200
Posted By hippieboy444
i like this. minimal.

i like this. minimal.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 09:54 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 258
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, i agree, the ending is weak. that's a big...

yeah, i agree, the ending is weak. that's a big issue i have in writing: how to wrap things up.

in the first stanza, the quotation marks are mainly visual.

i've been reading a bit of robert...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-22-2014, 11:12 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 167
Posted By hippieboy444
nice. brief and simple.

nice. brief and simple.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-21-2014, 10:07 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 316
Posted By hippieboy444
maybe roll with it? try injecting even more...

maybe roll with it? try injecting even more vulgar images and shit into it. maybe make it an exercise in how disgustingly porno-infused you can make it?
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-21-2014, 10:05 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 177
Posted By hippieboy444
interesting comparison between church and...

interesting comparison between church and sexuality. your recent pieces have been a nice breath of fresh air in this way.

i think this is solid. the first stanza could introduce things better: it...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-20-2014, 12:54 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 258
Posted By hippieboy444
the annex

she calls to [,m,e,,]
‘’’’’ // ,,,,,,
yet,//outside,, the snow
fall//s [,,in sheets’’,,]
\\
\\
she \\ lights the one candle
i might\\ see by,,,,,
\\ ,,,which she...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-17-2014, 01:46 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 429
Posted By hippieboy444
of recent work, this is my favorite i've read...

of recent work, this is my favorite i've read from you. you're really coming into your own with lyrics (these are lyrics, right?).

congrats, well deserved.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-15-2014, 08:49 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 180
Posted By hippieboy444
know this feeling too well. hope things lighten...

know this feeling too well. hope things lighten for you. it can be rough.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-15-2014, 08:10 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 313
Posted By hippieboy444
my first thought until i got about halfway...

my first thought until i got about halfway through what that maybe it would be effective to have no enjambment, presenting everything in more of a prose format.

but as the piece picks up i doubt...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-15-2014, 08:05 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 316
Posted By hippieboy444
also, as an aside, part of me always wished i...

also, as an aside, part of me always wished i lack the sensitivity to **** fine bitches with no remorse. alas.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-15-2014, 08:04 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 316
Posted By hippieboy444
the last three lines are really awesome. they...

the last three lines are really awesome. they really tie the whole room together (so to speak). the first one introduces things well enough, and the pendulum image is nice; the last line doesn't seem...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-14-2014, 12:32 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 206
Posted By hippieboy444
i like this. it was strange, at the first...

i like this. it was strange, at the first instance, because i wasn't sure where you were going to go, but towards the end this really picks up in a nice way. i think maybe you could vary the nouns...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-13-2014, 11:06 AM
Replies: 2,109
Views: 69,927
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, i'll mail to you dude! i've done that...

yeah, i'll mail to you dude! i've done that before, it's like 6$, no worries on that. shoot me your address on here.

yeah, katie and i talked last night and we're gonna try it. see what happens....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-12-2014, 10:15 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 332
Posted By hippieboy444
this was the highlight of the piece excepting the...

this was the highlight of the piece excepting the last two lines. the image here and the coherence really caught me.

i agree with JDude that there seem to be a few different strands threading in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 10:44 AM
Replies: 4
-ie
Views: 273
Posted By hippieboy444
this is easily the most challenging piece i've...

this is easily the most challenging piece i've read from you.

i have a hard time deciphering some parts but i like the repetition of city combined with the ending. the ending is really effective....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-10-2014, 01:43 PM
Replies: 2,109
Views: 69,927
Posted By hippieboy444
i'm putting together another zine of poetry if...

i'm putting together another zine of poetry if anyone here is interested. i'll be shipping them out around christmas or slightly after. they're free. i'm printing 10-20 depending. you can message me...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-10-2014, 10:51 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 425
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, i'm thinking about the latter part of that...

yeah, i'm thinking about the latter part of that line. currently i have it edited to "heard it echo like novenas in the ministry of my skeleton". i think i prefer ministry, but i still don't like...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-09-2014, 02:57 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 425
Posted By hippieboy444
morning after pill

i wish i knew what i was thinking when i left my body. i rose above the apartment building and watched the asphalt hover above the streets. the distance i could see was like a puzzle that, if solved,...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-09-2014, 01:58 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 231
Posted By hippieboy444
still, a solid work with some high points. i know...

still, a solid work with some high points. i know i'm always kind of hard on you, but the good parts of your pieces are really good. cleaning this up could make something pretty special.

thanks for...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-08-2014, 12:14 PM
Replies: 2,109
Views: 69,927
Posted By hippieboy444
im trying not to rush into things. baby steps....

im trying not to rush into things. baby steps. she's coming over tonight, we'll see what happens. my original plan when is started liking her was not to say or do anything until december, but maybe i...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 12:25 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 116
Posted By hippieboy444
ampersand

far off,
you point to
a phosphorescent brick building,
the windows’ glass iridescent
in evening light:

my heart of iridium
pounds heavy,
slow:
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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