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Search: Posts Made By: Jammydude44
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 05:17 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 426
Posted By Jammydude44
hey.i wish i knew what i was thinking when i left...

hey.i wish i knew what i was thinking when i left my body. you never return to this question and thus it becomes a weak and underdeveloped line. In a piece where every line counts, once you've read...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 04:59 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 313
Posted By Jammydude44
"Arachnoid bridges" sticks out like a...

"Arachnoid bridges" sticks out like a sore thumb, so does "rendering". "Indistinct instance" doesn't ring half as sharp as it wants to be. "gauges and meters" really clashes with "partial pictures",...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 04:51 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 332
Posted By Jammydude44
I think there's several kernels of different...

I think there's several kernels of different pieces, or at least tones, here, and they clash. I think the vocabulary as a whole isn't fully coherent together - like, I think an idea presented as...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 04:41 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 430
Posted By Jammydude44
WotW: Where it Started

I pinpointed the moment we might have lost it
I skipped about three episodes ahead in the boxset
you were out
and I was in
bored stiff and suffering
self-pity had got a little bit repetitive

so I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-27-2014, 04:50 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 149
Posted By Jammydude44
Last Corner

she was filled with regret the moment her lips stopped moving
the part where she had parted them was still looming
upon them like a thunderstorm as they wound their way back home

she was equipped...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-23-2014, 02:23 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 163
Posted By Jammydude44
The Ridges

is it an open secret?
or the ending of a trilogy
don't spoil me

you make your mind up as you go along
like the wit of a poem or song
I find it get's overly complicated
to follow
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-14-2014, 10:20 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 215
Posted By Jammydude44
Creeping Over Broken Glass

i remember
i remember
when your name at the top of the text
got me wet
promising potential or threat

i remember
i remember
sticking my hands in glue
to hold you close
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-12-2014, 05:01 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 275
Posted By Jammydude44
Right Behind

this temptation carnival's
tantamount to torture
these handcuffs look different
from what I bought ya
I knew your shadow
liked itself stretched out
reaching for the edges of the frame

walking down...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-07-2014, 03:44 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 419
Posted By Jammydude44

the light is getting cold
am I bright or am I old?
they all dance now pretty weird
stuck in a trance now
stuck in a trance now

this night is getting morning
all over itself, should I stall it?
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-09-2014, 12:14 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 414
Posted By Jammydude44
Just to note, that's just half a sentence. I...

Just to note, that's just half a sentence. I wouldn't expect it to make any sense, it's grammatically improbable. Thanks for your time :)

Cheers HippieBoy. Though I disagree with your point about...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-08-2014, 04:52 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 316
Posted By Jammydude44
This read very within itself. It's like you put a...

This read very within itself. It's like you put a catalytic convertor on your pen. Or, like, a better metaphor.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-08-2014, 04:49 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 414
Posted By Jammydude44
Nah I have the voice of a dying squirrel and the...

Nah I have the voice of a dying squirrel and the music skills of a deaf amputee.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-07-2014, 07:19 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 414
Posted By Jammydude44
Out of View

the rigmarole stopped hoarding
the daily suspense
of an underwater current
of the silent bent
the atmosphere withholding
an oxygenated air
despite the generosity of firelighters
we couldnít get past...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-19-2014, 06:37 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 262
Posted By Jammydude44

he haunts you like he was walking
along your tongue for every word
each syllable drops with his hands propped
up your back just to be heard

his deft palette is your natural accent
where his lilt...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-13-2014, 07:06 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 239
Posted By Jammydude44
Nothing But Empty

the promises of yesterday became the dodgy rhymes of now
the witness to your murmurs is still passed out
the silhouette at the end of the room turns around and smiles
cigarette smoke dances out of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-25-2014, 03:59 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 365
Posted By Jammydude44
Harder to Find

nb - writing some pop songs for a [female] friend.

i'm so fed up of being ****ed
and ****ed off with being fed
all your lies and all your bullshit
when you wake up in my bed
it's not okay for you to...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-24-2014, 10:56 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 280
Posted By Jammydude44
Cheers. I owe you a bunch so keep nagging...

Cheers. I owe you a bunch so keep nagging me.

I've been bored with writing so as a challenge I'm trying to write some lyrics for a friend of mine, not that she'll ever get round to recording. Very...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-23-2014, 05:23 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 280
Posted By Jammydude44
Stuck in a Book

is that the sun creeping around the curtain?
if it is that's probably all I know for certain
I remember your face 'cos it's in front of my eyes
beyond that it's blank, like I've been hypnotised

Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-16-2014, 09:26 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 208
Posted By Jammydude44
On the Nose

apart from you Iím dexterous
with my wit dipped in silver nitrate
my tongue delivers properly
what it is I want to say

a part of me gets twisted when
youíre fringe slips between my words
and the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-09-2014, 02:22 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 255
Posted By Jammydude44
Like so Much

it was written on her forehead to be careful
of her missteps
and cadence
so softly she'd suggest the expense
of leaving soon

she would delight in the dancing of your urges
and set the tip...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-07-2014, 11:53 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 445
Posted By Jammydude44
Haha, cheers. You lot love a good metre. I knew...

Haha, cheers. You lot love a good metre. I knew this was the snappiest thing I'd written in about five years.

I'm pretty sure there's no exact style, I've been writing this way since the join date...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-28-2014, 06:40 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 445
Posted By Jammydude44
WotW: It's Your Fault For Coming Over

behold the eyes, they're smitten behind
the smouldering stare
the stare she's got there
until the tide takes over her tongue
she's folding her smile
scolding her thumbs

perturbed, her lips bow...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-28-2014, 07:19 AM
Replies: 1,583
Views: 88,106
Posted By Jammydude44
More focus on offering constructive criticism....

More focus on offering constructive criticism. The "full crit". Was once a bar where we solved each other's problems, now it's a bar to catch up and buy each other drinks.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-25-2014, 06:26 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 251
Posted By Jammydude44
"protruding illicitly" was delicious....

"protruding illicitly" was delicious. As were a few other images.

I think you danced around your point a little much even. I think it might just be the breaking form. Perhaps this one needs to...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-25-2014, 06:19 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 197
Posted By Jammydude44
Spins and Flings

stun shiver at her stand askew
slide in the very next seat
I can see the appeal of the mood
taken in like a tropical beat

pull up in a leather jacket
sleek shiver shimmer like moon
slick tongue...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-23-2014, 12:52 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 691
Posted By Jammydude44
I don't post very often so I tend to digress a...

I don't post very often so I tend to digress a little when I do. I also tend to poke the bear in my critiques because otherwise no-one gets anywhere. Seems like you got both those barrels from me...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-20-2014, 06:13 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 213
Posted By Jammydude44

another aperture opportunity
derided by the rest
her eyes set to impunity
her hands upon her chest
she twists and turns and feverishly
marks her favourite pose
she knew, how could she not
her soul...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-10-2014, 01:09 PM
Replies: 2,109
Views: 69,928
Posted By Jammydude44
"(code) "(/code)" in square...

"(code) "(/code)" in square brackets not round.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 02-27-2014, 04:29 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 691
Posted By Jammydude44
Obviously this is the product from the...

Obviously this is the product from the competition forum but that shouldn't factor into my judgement as I know us at S&L pride ourselves on the tortured artist character so I can imagine plenty of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 02-27-2014, 04:03 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 267
Posted By Jammydude44
So Top Bloke

heís as cold as ice gets
heís the face you wish you could forget

you can hear him coming in architecture
the building starts to shake
you know itís a horrible lecture
to stay would be mistake

Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

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