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Search: Posts Made By: brokencoastline
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-02-2014, 02:22 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 421
Posted By brokencoastline
I just called December 18-22 out of work, so...

I just called December 18-22 out of work, so pending approval those dates should work for me. It'd be great to see both of you at once.

Jimmy, are you driving down? feel free to text/call me...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-01-2014, 03:13 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 421
Posted By brokencoastline
You gave me a comment on this site a few years...

You gave me a comment on this site a few years (!!!) ago which was "old friends are still always there; they were real and living during some part of your life," which seems appropriate to repeat...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 08:51 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 254
Posted By brokencoastline
The "yet" changes things a lot, puts a...

The "yet" changes things a lot, puts a lot of purpose and contrast in that first stanza I can't quite figure out. "Weightless as a feather," is a bit cliche.

Otherwise I can't tell if this feels...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 08:42 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 358
Posted By brokencoastline
I'm interested in a chapbook. I can pm you about...

I'm interested in a chapbook. I can pm you about prompts/payment once I have both of those, or let me know if there's a more convenient contact method. Your recent poems have such a strong and...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 08:36 PM
Replies: 4
-ie
Views: 269
Posted By brokencoastline
The simplicity of the form is really well-used...

The simplicity of the form is really well-used here, short lines and deconstructed, somehow wonderfully simplistic, phrasings. I'll echo that this seems succinct and without much need for...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-17-2014, 01:05 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 331
Posted By brokencoastline
Forgetting is a defense mechanism; I believe that...

Forgetting is a defense mechanism; I believe that firmly. This feels like the first small ventures into remembering, probably because of all the questions. In that sense it seems successful.

It...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-17-2014, 12:48 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 312
Posted By brokencoastline
"Meandering" was actually a word I was...

"Meandering" was actually a word I was thinking of using here earlier today as well. There's a meandering I think you do well. Some of the long lines work like this, some don't. "Where gauges and...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 03:18 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 306
Posted By brokencoastline
That definitely changes it, just a misread on my...

That definitely changes it, just a misread on my part.

Maybe the thing with the end is the abstractness of it. It just describes a feeling. Focusing in on something concrete, an image or action,...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 03:15 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 116
Posted By brokencoastline
I think this is very strong. I'd omit...

I think this is very strong.

I'd omit "slow," because I think it doesn't add much to heavy, or to any kind of rhythmic change. The repetition of "dark" twice in the same stanza seems to detract as...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 10:00 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 306
Posted By brokencoastline
I pretty much agree with Matt's points. "you...

I pretty much agree with Matt's points. "you can't stare right at it" as an aside for the sun doesn't seem to do much for you, especially with "staring at the sun" coming so soon after that...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 09:40 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 266
Posted By brokencoastline
Opstedal is huge for me. I was just rereading...

Opstedal is huge for me. I was just rereading "Goodbye Kodachrome" by him earlier today for sentimental reasons. I'm glad other people here are enjoying him.

I think that slow start Jimmy mentions...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-23-2014, 11:02 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 319
Posted By brokencoastline
Succinct. I see it less as zooming in and out and...

Succinct. I see it less as zooming in and out and more as zooming in consistently as it goes. The first two stanzas are very meta, but then we have a projection of being onto the sky, and then very...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-21-2014, 12:41 PM
Replies: 2,109
Views: 69,890
Posted By brokencoastline
I got involved with an ongoing zine/small press....

I got involved with an ongoing zine/small press. We're looking for stuff on the more raw side, but if anyone's interested in submitting you can check it out here (http://trashtalkpress.tumblr.com).
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-15-2014, 07:35 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 572
Posted By brokencoastline
It is a very strong piece. The banana image is...

It is a very strong piece. The banana image is used originally, to describe a sense of softness, and works even being so central to the piece. The paleness described in the first two lines gets...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-15-2014, 07:26 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 486
Posted By brokencoastline
Thanks both of you. Ryan, your reading is more...

Thanks both of you.

Ryan, your reading is more or less spot-on with my intentions for this. One of the more validating comments I've ever received, thanks.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-05-2014, 12:37 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 414
Posted By brokencoastline
I think these lines rely on too many abstractions...

I think these lines rely on too many abstractions to answer the first two lines in a meaningful way. After that the poem takes on more emotional pull without being too forward about it.



These...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-30-2014, 06:25 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 270
Posted By brokencoastline
I'm trying to pin down why your style works so...

I'm trying to pin down why your style works so well for me. The images are mostly very distinct, you tend toward a lot of categorically related visuals (things that are oceanic, edible, animals, or...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-30-2014, 12:59 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 486
Posted By brokencoastline
basement song

everything still gleams
like it did when you were twenty

and it seems somehow crisper,
even the air in this basement
with its familiar mildew.

your father calls from where
he straddles a line
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-04-2014, 01:08 PM
Replies: 6
r.
Views: 417
Posted By brokencoastline
Your recent poems really have been very tight and...

Your recent poems really have been very tight and collected. They all have a similar feeling of implied continuation by ending on words like "your" or "we" or "a."

"seas in the islands swim" is a...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-12-2014, 07:23 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 292
Posted By brokencoastline
east falls church storm drain

nod to Jimmy in the first stanza.


Gaping always, as I sometimes sleep and later lie next to I-495 with
its wash of noise. But I told the truth when she asked me if I cared
and I said I was...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-05-2014, 12:41 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 287
Posted By brokencoastline
The way the piece branches out from the...

The way the piece branches out from the five-pointed shape near the center gives the whole thing a strong resemblance to a map of a city, which agrees wonderfully with the content.

It is also very...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-03-2014, 02:42 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 553
Posted By brokencoastline
It's very conversational poetry. Emotionally...

It's very conversational poetry. Emotionally descriptive, yet without any kind of physical description, action, or occurrence.

I have to echo hippieboy about the space at least. The lines float on...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-28-2014, 03:19 AM
Replies: 2,109
Views: 69,890
Posted By brokencoastline
I was just talking with someone about how I...

I was just talking with someone about how I missed Blacksburg and you and your husband. I just got back from a couple weeks on the road but once I've been settled back in for a while, I'd love to try...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-29-2014, 01:12 AM
Replies: 4
09
Views: 379
Posted By brokencoastline
I don't think "thicker/ than syria, coarser...

I don't think "thicker/ than syria, coarser thann/ afghannistann" is working. At first I thought you were trying to illustrate a degree of ethnicity but it seems more like your intent was to play off...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-27-2014, 02:18 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 444
Posted By brokencoastline
I think the first two lines are a little too...

I think the first two lines are a little too similar given how little you're trying to work with. The images in both convey much of the same (dampness or wetness, and that the speaker is probably in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-27-2014, 02:04 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 759
Posted By brokencoastline
thanks everyone. It's the same book, yeah!...

thanks everyone.



It's the same book, yeah! I've been going back to it more as the weather's gotten warmer. Something about the lines I picked out from it is so crazy and vivid but very resonant...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-17-2014, 01:07 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 808
Posted By brokencoastline
I think those conversations are the most telling,...

I think those conversations are the most telling, which I really like but I know a lot of people find uncomfortable. I could never know the things you say (or anyone says) about my own writing...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-17-2014, 12:43 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 500
Posted By brokencoastline
How much html-based or otherwise digital poetry...

How much html-based or otherwise digital poetry do you read? There's a lot of stuff out there that might resonate with you. Dig around ubuweb a little if you never have before (particularly these...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-14-2014, 03:28 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 590
Posted By brokencoastline
I said what I said about initially thinking I'd...

I said what I said about initially thinking I'd suggest cutting more only because the poem is initially overwhelming. Once you start digging into it, though, it's not terribly difficult to get...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-05-2014, 04:27 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 768
Posted By brokencoastline
Inherent in the form of this is a reading...

Inherent in the form of this is a reading experience that's fairly disjointed. It's related through dreams (and potentially some memory of reality, which becomes similarly fractured and distorted...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 184

 
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