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Search: Posts Made By: SubwayToVenus
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-10-2015, 10:06 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 430
Posted By SubwayToVenus
an apology

ots

I am not graceful nor elegant. I trip on sidewalks
and try too hard to say something humorous. Often I
feel I embarrass my friends in front of new company -
you know, certain social customs just...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-09-2015, 09:00 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 324
Posted By SubwayToVenus
i feel like this piece is right there, but (for...

i feel like this piece is right there, but (for me, at least) i was unable to fully get a grasp of it. it's frustrating because it feels like i'm stretching out my arms for it, but it's still a...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-09-2015, 08:37 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 287
Posted By SubwayToVenus
thanks for the great tips guys. i agree that...

thanks for the great tips guys. i agree that rhythmically this had a lot of rough patches so i went back and did some tweaking/omitting to assist with the flow.

hippie, i agree with you that this...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-08-2015, 09:22 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 287
Posted By SubwayToVenus
indigo

tryin to get the flow back. bear with me.

alone smokin hookah in some suburb, in a stupor
thinking how i'd describe blue to a blind man, or internet dating
to my dad - no matter how i word it, it...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-12-2015, 10:51 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 388
Posted By SubwayToVenus
I loved this poem the first time you put it on...

I loved this poem the first time you put it on here, and I still love it now. The fanciness with this is certainly awesome, but i wish there was a little more time to digest each iteration of the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-30-2014, 12:27 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 644
Posted By SubwayToVenus
as you also pointed out, the wordiness of this...

as you also pointed out, the wordiness of this piece could be worked on. i like your tendency for striking imagery and unique word choices to describe that imagery, but i feel like a lot of times you...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-22-2014, 04:15 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 323
Posted By SubwayToVenus
I loved this. Its a feeling I'm all too familiar...

I loved this. Its a feeling I'm all too familiar with
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-15-2014, 08:42 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 288
Posted By SubwayToVenus
old town pour house

kinda ots. not very polished, but just some thoughts i wanted to get off my chest

i don't underestimate the chasm between us, especially when
the liquor reveals us in ways i don't fully understand....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-10-2014, 12:28 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 390
Posted By SubwayToVenus
Thanks for the kind words, everyone

Thanks for the kind words, everyone
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-10-2014, 12:27 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 654
Posted By SubwayToVenus
Probably a personal favorite of mine, as well....

Probably a personal favorite of mine, as well. The voice in this is confident and the imagery/word choice was very thoughtful. I loved your pairing of the urban and ecclesiastical imagery; it was...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-07-2014, 12:06 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 311
Posted By SubwayToVenus
As a stylistic choice, "dremnt" was...

As a stylistic choice, "dremnt" was interesting given its close proximity to "unkempt". that, and the assonance of "unknown", "unperturbed", "another" and "unkempt" was nice to read.

Overall, I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 11:56 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 337
Posted By SubwayToVenus
There's something hard to pinpoint about your...

There's something hard to pinpoint about your style but it's always intrigued me. I think you're able to prove you're being honest to the reader (or at least you are to me), and that is a truly...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-30-2014, 08:57 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 390
Posted By SubwayToVenus
Weak (ii)

blood may be thicker than water but lately, my blood feels thinner than ever.
the days give way to the winter and i walk to the store with no sweater -
the more it strengthens my skin, the better;...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-08-2014, 10:46 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 600
Posted By SubwayToVenus
i've always enjoyed reading your pieces because...

i've always enjoyed reading your pieces because of your distinct style and the command you display over your images and ideas. every piece i've read from you has remained wholly original and has...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-08-2014, 10:18 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 749
Posted By SubwayToVenus
thanks a lot for the kind words, everyone.

thanks a lot for the kind words, everyone.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-26-2014, 02:55 PM
Replies: 3
lit
Views: 371
Posted By SubwayToVenus
I'm a little torn with this one. On one hand,...

I'm a little torn with this one. On one hand, there are some really lovely moments in here ("memory obfuscated in light drizzle", the "split, spilt" wordplay, etc.); and then there are other moments...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-17-2014, 12:39 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 749
Posted By SubwayToVenus
WotW: Weak

a persistent paleness from the light fixtures hanging
in the hallways, in the basement, in all of our faces -
you may never even see it, but you'll know it when you taste the
brown spots on the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-19-2014, 12:13 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 453
Posted By SubwayToVenus
I feel like all of your poems have been hinting...

I feel like all of your poems have been hinting at though not quite executing what this poem has done. All of your poems are brief and fleeting glimpses, but this glimpse incorporated the perfect...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-26-2014, 12:38 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 523
Posted By SubwayToVenus
thanks guys

thanks guys
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-18-2014, 10:58 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 523
Posted By SubwayToVenus
grateful

pondered on his legacy too long; i've chewed on it
like overcooked meat and now the flavor is gone.
the eulogies i've conjured are contrived and i'm embarrassed -
on that day the congregation could...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-16-2014, 09:10 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 726
Posted By SubwayToVenus
a very good and very important piece. it read...

a very good and very important piece. it read well with an on-the-spot, stream-of-consciousness type of pace and i never thought it meandered too off-base at all. i share the same sentiment as you do...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-16-2014, 08:50 PM
Replies: 11
Views: 943
Posted By SubwayToVenus
I personally liked the second re-write the best,...

I personally liked the second re-write the best, although I really liked some of the formatting features you had in the third. I actually thought your adjective use was amazing here, especially how...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-16-2014, 08:36 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 460
Posted By SubwayToVenus
really liked this, man. i had to read through it...

really liked this, man. i had to read through it a few times to latch onto something i found powerful and meaningful and i'm glad i did.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-14-2014, 01:21 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 699
Posted By SubwayToVenus
thanks guys

thanks guys
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-14-2014, 09:51 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 584
Posted By SubwayToVenus
those last two lines killed me. this was...

those last two lines killed me. this was beautiful, saadia
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-13-2014, 11:41 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 699
Posted By SubwayToVenus
beautiful women are invisible (ii)

I could watch you with the sun in my eyes
from sunrise to sunset, while the days slowly unfold
without a wrinkle or false note -
I know I'm much too in love with your silhouette.
In my moment of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-25-2014, 10:39 AM
Replies: 14
Views: 668
Posted By SubwayToVenus
All in all, I really liked this piece. In my...

All in all, I really liked this piece. In my opinion, this was a marked improvement from the original you posted.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-24-2014, 05:17 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 387
Posted By SubwayToVenus
i appreciate it guys (and girl). my criticisms of...

i appreciate it guys (and girl). my criticisms of this echo yours. in the attempt to be economical and terse, i probably took away too much from it.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-24-2014, 05:10 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 512
Posted By SubwayToVenus
the ending is a beautiful sentiment, but i tend...

the ending is a beautiful sentiment, but i tend to agree with hippieboy in that if you strung me along for just a little while longer, it would've been that much more satisfying. that being said, it...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-24-2014, 04:49 PM
Replies: 14
Views: 668
Posted By SubwayToVenus
got some ideas for this, but since you're...

got some ideas for this, but since you're revising, i'll hold up til you post the edited version. i'll be back
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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