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Search: Posts Made By: brokencoastline
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-17-2014, 01:05 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 256
Posted By brokencoastline
Forgetting is a defense mechanism; I believe that...

Forgetting is a defense mechanism; I believe that firmly. This feels like the first small ventures into remembering, probably because of all the questions. In that sense it seems successful.

It...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-17-2014, 12:48 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 230
Posted By brokencoastline
"Meandering" was actually a word I was...

"Meandering" was actually a word I was thinking of using here earlier today as well. There's a meandering I think you do well. Some of the long lines work like this, some don't. "Where gauges and...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 03:18 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 279
Posted By brokencoastline
That definitely changes it, just a misread on my...

That definitely changes it, just a misread on my part.

Maybe the thing with the end is the abstractness of it. It just describes a feeling. Focusing in on something concrete, an image or action,...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 03:15 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 110
Posted By brokencoastline
I think this is very strong. I'd omit...

I think this is very strong.

I'd omit "slow," because I think it doesn't add much to heavy, or to any kind of rhythmic change. The repetition of "dark" twice in the same stanza seems to detract as...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 10:00 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 279
Posted By brokencoastline
I pretty much agree with Matt's points. "you...

I pretty much agree with Matt's points. "you can't stare right at it" as an aside for the sun doesn't seem to do much for you, especially with "staring at the sun" coming so soon after that...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 09:40 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 236
Posted By brokencoastline
Opstedal is huge for me. I was just rereading...

Opstedal is huge for me. I was just rereading "Goodbye Kodachrome" by him earlier today for sentimental reasons. I'm glad other people here are enjoying him.

I think that slow start Jimmy mentions...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-23-2014, 11:02 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 304
Posted By brokencoastline
Succinct. I see it less as zooming in and out and...

Succinct. I see it less as zooming in and out and more as zooming in consistently as it goes. The first two stanzas are very meta, but then we have a projection of being onto the sky, and then very...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-21-2014, 12:41 PM
Replies: 2,107
Views: 69,427
Posted By brokencoastline
I got involved with an ongoing zine/small press....

I got involved with an ongoing zine/small press. We're looking for stuff on the more raw side, but if anyone's interested in submitting you can check it out here (http://trashtalkpress.tumblr.com).
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-15-2014, 07:35 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 562
Posted By brokencoastline
It is a very strong piece. The banana image is...

It is a very strong piece. The banana image is used originally, to describe a sense of softness, and works even being so central to the piece. The paleness described in the first two lines gets...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-15-2014, 07:26 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 473
Posted By brokencoastline
Thanks both of you. Ryan, your reading is more...

Thanks both of you.

Ryan, your reading is more or less spot-on with my intentions for this. One of the more validating comments I've ever received, thanks.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-05-2014, 12:37 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 395
Posted By brokencoastline
I think these lines rely on too many abstractions...

I think these lines rely on too many abstractions to answer the first two lines in a meaningful way. After that the poem takes on more emotional pull without being too forward about it.



These...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-30-2014, 06:25 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 261
Posted By brokencoastline
I'm trying to pin down why your style works so...

I'm trying to pin down why your style works so well for me. The images are mostly very distinct, you tend toward a lot of categorically related visuals (things that are oceanic, edible, animals, or...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-30-2014, 12:59 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 473
Posted By brokencoastline
basement song

everything still gleams
like it did when you were twenty

and it seems somehow crisper,
even the air in this basement
with its familiar mildew.

your father calls from where
he straddles a line
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-04-2014, 01:08 PM
Replies: 6
r.
Views: 410
Posted By brokencoastline
Your recent poems really have been very tight and...

Your recent poems really have been very tight and collected. They all have a similar feeling of implied continuation by ending on words like "your" or "we" or "a."

"seas in the islands swim" is a...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-12-2014, 07:23 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 277
Posted By brokencoastline
east falls church storm drain

nod to Jimmy in the first stanza.


Gaping always, as I sometimes sleep and later lie next to I-495 with
its wash of noise. But I told the truth when she asked me if I cared
and I said I was...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-05-2014, 12:41 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 283
Posted By brokencoastline
The way the piece branches out from the...

The way the piece branches out from the five-pointed shape near the center gives the whole thing a strong resemblance to a map of a city, which agrees wonderfully with the content.

It is also very...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-03-2014, 02:42 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 542
Posted By brokencoastline
It's very conversational poetry. Emotionally...

It's very conversational poetry. Emotionally descriptive, yet without any kind of physical description, action, or occurrence.

I have to echo hippieboy about the space at least. The lines float on...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-28-2014, 03:19 AM
Replies: 2,107
Views: 69,427
Posted By brokencoastline
I was just talking with someone about how I...

I was just talking with someone about how I missed Blacksburg and you and your husband. I just got back from a couple weeks on the road but once I've been settled back in for a while, I'd love to try...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-29-2014, 01:12 AM
Replies: 4
09
Views: 369
Posted By brokencoastline
I don't think "thicker/ than syria, coarser...

I don't think "thicker/ than syria, coarser thann/ afghannistann" is working. At first I thought you were trying to illustrate a degree of ethnicity but it seems more like your intent was to play off...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-27-2014, 02:18 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 436
Posted By brokencoastline
I think the first two lines are a little too...

I think the first two lines are a little too similar given how little you're trying to work with. The images in both convey much of the same (dampness or wetness, and that the speaker is probably in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-27-2014, 02:04 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 738
Posted By brokencoastline
thanks everyone. It's the same book, yeah!...

thanks everyone.



It's the same book, yeah! I've been going back to it more as the weather's gotten warmer. Something about the lines I picked out from it is so crazy and vivid but very resonant...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-17-2014, 01:07 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 791
Posted By brokencoastline
I think those conversations are the most telling,...

I think those conversations are the most telling, which I really like but I know a lot of people find uncomfortable. I could never know the things you say (or anyone says) about my own writing...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-17-2014, 12:43 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 497
Posted By brokencoastline
How much html-based or otherwise digital poetry...

How much html-based or otherwise digital poetry do you read? There's a lot of stuff out there that might resonate with you. Dig around ubuweb a little if you never have before (particularly these...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-14-2014, 03:28 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 571
Posted By brokencoastline
I said what I said about initially thinking I'd...

I said what I said about initially thinking I'd suggest cutting more only because the poem is initially overwhelming. Once you start digging into it, though, it's not terribly difficult to get...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-05-2014, 04:27 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 754
Posted By brokencoastline
Inherent in the form of this is a reading...

Inherent in the form of this is a reading experience that's fairly disjointed. It's related through dreams (and potentially some memory of reality, which becomes similarly fractured and distorted...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-20-2014, 07:00 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 738
Posted By brokencoastline
WotW: California Elegy: moving out, moving constantly.

California Elegy: moving out, moving constantly.
for A.

There was a cloud parked on the horizon.
I thought it looked like an albatross drumstick
marinated in phosphorescent kool-aid.
-Kevin...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-25-2014, 02:46 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 300
Posted By brokencoastline
Without regard to content for now, I thought the...

Without regard to content for now, I thought the sonics and rhythm were really captivating and whimsical. I'd like to see if you could end within that structure, just because it is so prominent here....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-25-2014, 12:27 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 434
Posted By brokencoastline
I can't seem to read anyone's pieces without...

I can't seem to read anyone's pieces without going back to Iceland but I'm seeing the ride out to Keflavík in this. The peninsula and hills, the journey coming to a close. Early winter was when you...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-21-2014, 10:42 PM
Replies: 2,107
Views: 69,427
Posted By brokencoastline
Do it.

Do it.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-20-2014, 12:21 PM
Replies: 10
Views: 365
Posted By brokencoastline
Presentation, I'm thinking about it all the time....

Presentation, I'm thinking about it all the time. Poetry on the backs of receipts, which are a very immediate and common document. They tend toward clutter but somehow these are the kinds of thoughts...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 179

 
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