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Search: Posts Made By: 21wickwing
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-10-2014, 07:37 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 230
Posted By 21wickwing
Thanks a ton for your review... the harsher the...

Thanks a ton for your review... the harsher the better. When I post on here these days, it means I feel like it is lacking.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 10:07 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 230
Posted By 21wickwing
A Painting Of Visions

Please give me honest criticisms. This will be for a meeting at work to practice public speaking and will be used as a performance piece. Let me know what you think! (C4C)

Edit Version:

If I were...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-26-2014, 01:31 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 246
Posted By 21wickwing
Your Words

I read and I hear many words
but too often those words are not but mere careless words.

I live for when the words mean something more.
I live for when the words tickle my tongue as I speak them.
I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-10-2014, 01:04 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 376
Posted By 21wickwing
Right :D

Right :D
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-09-2014, 10:04 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 376
Posted By 21wickwing
thank you both for your input. I agree the title...

thank you both for your input. I agree the title is a bit revealing of the ending. I can change that to Tears On Cavalry... Cavalry being the hill of Jesus' crucifixion
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-07-2014, 04:45 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 376
Posted By 21wickwing
My Deadly Flower

Legend says Mary cried
upon these grounds
while she watched her son
march towards his death.

And there you are,
my love, my flower,
standing upon holy ground
planting your blessings.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-05-2014, 10:06 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 327
Posted By 21wickwing
Sure, here is the first version: Life doesn’t...

Sure, here is the first version:

Life doesn’t give you lemons;
you need to plant them,
water them,
fertilize them,
and ripen them yourself.
-and sometimes it won’t work-
Sometimes bugs will eat...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-05-2014, 12:09 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 327
Posted By 21wickwing
Thanks, I knew this needed work and wanted to get...

Thanks, I knew this needed work and wanted to get some feedback and you hit the nails on the head!

I edited it and would appreciate your thoughts on the new version.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-04-2014, 06:44 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 327
Posted By 21wickwing
Lemons

(edited)

Life doesn’t give you lemons;
you need to plant them,
water them,
fertilize them,
and ripen them yourself.
-and sometimes it won’t work-
Sometimes bugs will eat them,
damn fruit flies.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-01-2014, 08:13 PM
Replies: 4
" "
Views: 370
Posted By 21wickwing
I second this motion. I found it a little bit odd...

I second this motion. I found it a little bit odd and unusual for you to include something a bit unnecessary as it would be assumed anyway. I can see how it might add some other direction by...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-27-2014, 07:00 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 538
Posted By 21wickwing
Sounds like an interesting idea to me :)

Sounds like an interesting idea to me :)
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-27-2014, 03:31 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 418
Posted By 21wickwing
I do like how you capture the perceptions of...

I do like how you capture the perceptions of politicians and you pull off some nice lines. I was expecting a bit of a deeper level of connection between the narrator and the politician... perhaps...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-27-2014, 03:26 PM
Replies: 7
nPP
Views: 442
Posted By 21wickwing
I may be stupid, but I am unsure as to what the...

I may be stupid, but I am unsure as to what the message is. Is it about resisting growing up or conforming to society?

I would perhaps expand upon it and add a middle verse that brings in more...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-25-2014, 11:35 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 768
Posted By 21wickwing
I like the context here, and the poem/story...

I like the context here, and the poem/story definitely manages to pull in the reader and capture his/her/its? attention. I also loved the part where you messed with the word "remembered" although I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-25-2014, 11:31 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 452
Posted By 21wickwing
The Canyons

My own your
h h
ea ea
rt rt


is p s ...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-20-2014, 05:33 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 347
Posted By 21wickwing
thanks Eccer. It is a work in progress, but more...

thanks Eccer. It is a work in progress, but more in the style of Pipeline
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-18-2014, 12:54 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 347
Posted By 21wickwing
A Sapiosexual's One-Night Stand

You know, countless hundreds and hundreds of billions of years ago, some star -a soul- , somewhere in the universe brewed all the necessary ingredients for life and exploded

and after years of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-15-2014, 05:47 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 499
Posted By 21wickwing
"is freedom ever anything more than to be...

"is
freedom ever anything more
than to be free to love her?"

Awesome line. I thought this poem was very well written and flowed nicely. The ending gave me a nice giggle as well. This could...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-15-2014, 05:43 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 409
Posted By 21wickwing
vintage, I love how you organize your poems so...

vintage, I love how you organize your poems so effectively. The structure of your verses really paces this well and adds to the quirky nature of the poem. Also the recurring usage of "hello" was a...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-15-2014, 05:40 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 190
Posted By 21wickwing
Life and Death

Slice.
Juice.
Life.

Slice.
Blood.
Death.

What once was stolen,
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-12-2014, 02:31 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 329
Posted By 21wickwing
Thank you, this was the first time I ever...

Thank you, this was the first time I ever experimented with punctuation in this type of manner so I was just kinda throwing shit at the wall and frankly I wasn't feeling it too much either. I figured...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-08-2014, 10:55 AM
Replies: 16
Views: 500
Posted By 21wickwing
Congrats on WotW Definitel deserving of it

Congrats on WotW

Definitel deserving of it
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-07-2014, 01:17 AM
Replies: 5
3
Views: 297
Posted By 21wickwing
I liked the style, the mashingofwordstogether,...

I liked the style, the mashingofwordstogether, the spacing, etc. It really gave the piece a nice disjointed feel about it which fits the message of the poem itself. The references to Nazi Germany...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-07-2014, 01:08 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 329
Posted By 21wickwing
A Refusal

Must I draw everything out for you/
So you can see my words in visions??

I refuse like a –…||

Well, that doesn’t matter much. Does it?
--/ How I refuse.

All that matters is :: I do.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-06-2014, 11:51 AM
Replies: 16
Views: 500
Posted By 21wickwing
it is your bad. and you are a ***** because of it.

it is your bad. and you are a ***** because of it.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-05-2014, 10:13 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 794
Posted By 21wickwing
When you repeated the word "asunder" I...

When you repeated the word "asunder" I was thinking, such an odd word to happen to come up twice in a poem... this had to be done on purpose.

And then I continued reading and saw you continue to...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-04-2014, 05:33 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 281
Posted By 21wickwing
Yeah, I think I remember people using manifest as...

Yeah, I think I remember people using manifest as well frequently... I have to find a way to use the word flibbertigibbet... hands down, most poetic never-used word. Vonnegut used it in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-04-2014, 01:34 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 281
Posted By 21wickwing
disparate.... I have seen this word so many times...

disparate.... I have seen this word so many times on poetry forums in the past month... it is like the word of the month meow. Maybe I should write a poem about the frequency of which disparate has...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-04-2014, 01:31 PM
Replies: 16
Views: 500
Posted By 21wickwing
this is a great poem. I particularly love when...

this is a great poem. I particularly love when people experiment with grammar and spacing... something I haven't truly tried yet.

Question: How did you get this to give you the exact spacing? I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-04-2014, 01:28 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 2,814
Posted By 21wickwing
Hmmm... agree to disagree :D I do appreciate...

Hmmm... agree to disagree :D

I do appreciate your criticism, I have been experimenting with styles, and this was one of those experiments... perhaps a failed experiment :shrug:

Or maybe the...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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