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Search: Posts Made By: brokencoastline
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-17-2015, 09:34 PM
Replies: 10
Views: 394
Posted By brokencoastline
The first time I read this I immediately noticed...

The first time I read this I immediately noticed something different. It's a lot more direct than what I'm used to reading from you, more conversational, less concerned with image and sound. Maybe...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-18-2015, 12:02 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 249
Posted By brokencoastline
Lots of texture here. "gritty and...

Lots of texture here. "gritty and drying" and "plastic sharpness" are very specific and evocative when I linger on them. The visual images seem much more vague in comparison, though not in a bad way...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-17-2015, 11:29 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 346
Posted By brokencoastline
Thanks, hope you're both doing well. I'm going to...

Thanks, hope you're both doing well. I'm going to let this one grow a while more.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-25-2015, 09:44 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 538
Posted By brokencoastline
This makes me think of a lot of things. One is...

This makes me think of a lot of things. One is the beginning of an Annie Dillard book I flipped through a while back where she opened with something to the effect that, after everything else in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-25-2015, 04:09 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 346
Posted By brokencoastline
I started calling her that one night there was another attempt on her fatherís life

slowly putting together a collection of some kind. here's one I have mixed feelings about:




I started calling her that one night when there was another attempt on her fatherís life

Once I dreamed...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-16-2015, 01:38 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 285
Posted By brokencoastline
memory 7-04-13

ducking between the bars of the roadblock
coming down through the pines to the parking lot,
thereís a gathering of streetlights
for some sacrament unknown
& thereís something in the Potomac...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-09-2015, 10:54 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 291
Posted By brokencoastline
I think the thing about the opening line is that...

I think the thing about the opening line is that "northern" doesn't place us quickly enough. I'm not aware of the poem's Chicagoness until several lines later.

I wonder if "it sounds absurd. i feel...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-25-2015, 02:49 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 289
Posted By brokencoastline
There's a sense of clarity and...

There's a sense of clarity and straightforwardness in this. It's still grave and has some distance, though. The third stanza is where I feel a tension between the directness and the distance, mostly...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-18-2015, 08:09 PM
Replies: 15
Views: 1,894
Posted By brokencoastline
I think your intuitions about the new image are...

I think your intuitions about the new image are mostly right, it feels a little overly enigmatic. At the same time it heightens the effect of the cool room image coming in like a breeze. Ultimately I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-18-2015, 08:05 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 177
Posted By brokencoastline
climbing the world's tallest radio tower

1.
Thereís something like a cage
to protect the central pole from
who knows what, at this altitude.
There are plates and drums welded to it,
and wind you might
never come back from.

2.
No one else...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-16-2015, 12:13 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 379
Posted By brokencoastline
The ending nails it for me. I don't like...

The ending nails it for me. I don't like barriers.

Tiny gaps. Moments. I think maybe lines 4 - 15 or so where you're describing these things goes on a bit too long. The poem itself sprawls out in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 11:54 PM
Replies: 15
Views: 1,894
Posted By brokencoastline
I agree with Ganoosh in that "the distance...

I agree with Ganoosh in that "the distance that defines/ what occupies our thoughts" seems too vague.

Somehow you blend the past and present in your last stanzas, "we sleep" and "you were there." It...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-11-2015, 07:50 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 393
Posted By brokencoastline
Thanks Saadia. The warmth is definitely what I...

Thanks Saadia. The warmth is definitely what I worry about most with this kind of thing.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-11-2015, 07:49 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 4,907
Posted By brokencoastline
Don't change "ask" to "beg."...

Don't change "ask" to "beg." A lot of your word choices are very charged already (bow, grimace, oblige, etc.) and mostly I think you keep it just under control but it's the kind of thing that can get...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-11-2015, 07:38 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 389
Posted By brokencoastline
First sentence is a great opener. It's pretty...

First sentence is a great opener. It's pretty strange. I don't think of bedheadedness as frantic or unsuspecting but I'm inclined to trust you on it immediately. It works in some kind of slanted...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-11-2015, 07:27 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 313
Posted By brokencoastline
I wonder if this is intended to be longer. You...

I wonder if this is intended to be longer. You say "complete story," and this does feel like it's opening a story, but it doesn't feel complete.

Length factors into my thinking that, though of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-04-2015, 06:34 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 488
Posted By brokencoastline
The first three lines are enough to make me...

The first three lines are enough to make me expect narrative, and what comes after (and even in those first three lines upon reflection) is much more fragmented than that.

In a way that makes it...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-04-2015, 06:24 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 471
Posted By brokencoastline
I agree that the first stanza could use some...

I agree that the first stanza could use some tidying up. "fresh"sticks out awkwardly to me as its own line and it's sort of implied in morning air. The parenthetical is all over the place, and I'm...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-03-2015, 09:50 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 393
Posted By brokencoastline
another blood moon for July

something a little weirder for now:

mason.gmu.edu/~ebrumbac/rambutans (http://mason.gmu.edu/~ebrumbac/rambutans)
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 02-24-2015, 01:03 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 589
Posted By brokencoastline
I agree with Ganoosh, pacing is very strong here....

I agree with Ganoosh, pacing is very strong here. You manage space in a poem well (I've always thought this) when a lot of people don't really consider it.

Your first stanza blows things way up, or...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-23-2015, 01:32 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 465
Posted By brokencoastline
Mostly the images add up nicely. "lightning...

Mostly the images add up nicely. "lightning bug princes that taught us to fly," starts to get a little overly glittery, though.

Oblivion as a backdrop to all the specific memories is nice. I took...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-22-2015, 07:10 PM
Replies: 2,216
Views: 88,472
Posted By brokencoastline
This...

This (http://trashtalkpress.storenvy.com/products/11821365-winter-2014-zine) came out today. Thanks to everyone on here that submitted.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-09-2015, 01:26 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 517
Posted By brokencoastline
Thanks everyone.

Thanks everyone.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-02-2015, 01:02 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 594
Posted By brokencoastline
I think what's most successful about this is that...

I think what's most successful about this is that the language feels very deft and smooth. It's felt much better than it's understood, which is good.



It does get a little shaky in these lines....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-02-2015, 12:45 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 429
Posted By brokencoastline
I think "sink liquid" is too...

I think "sink liquid" is too nonspecific to really work.

Not sure what you were doing with "asbes" in the second stanza, shorthand for asbestos? I kept trying to attach it to the first word of the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-29-2014, 05:12 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 517
Posted By brokencoastline
one blood moon for july

Rambutans at the seams, the little
hairs stitching those days together.
Gather on this floor as
it sinks; Swamphouse wedding reception
2013 - (flashes
going off in the *******)
halls and grocery...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-02-2014, 02:22 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 743
Posted By brokencoastline
I just called December 18-22 out of work, so...

I just called December 18-22 out of work, so pending approval those dates should work for me. It'd be great to see both of you at once.

Jimmy, are you driving down? feel free to text/call me...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-01-2014, 03:13 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 743
Posted By brokencoastline
You gave me a comment on this site a few years...

You gave me a comment on this site a few years (!!!) ago which was "old friends are still always there; they were real and living during some part of your life," which seems appropriate to repeat...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 08:51 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 411
Posted By brokencoastline
The "yet" changes things a lot, puts a...

The "yet" changes things a lot, puts a lot of purpose and contrast in that first stanza I can't quite figure out. "Weightless as a feather," is a bit cliche.

Otherwise I can't tell if this feels...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 08:42 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 516
Posted By brokencoastline
I'm interested in a chapbook. I can pm you about...

I'm interested in a chapbook. I can pm you about prompts/payment once I have both of those, or let me know if there's a more convenient contact method. Your recent poems have such a strong and...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 210

 
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