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Search: Posts Made By: brokencoastline
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-25-2015, 02:49 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 86
Posted By brokencoastline
There's a sense of clarity and...

There's a sense of clarity and straightforwardness in this. It's still grave and has some distance, though. The third stanza is where I feel a tension between the directness and the distance, mostly...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-18-2015, 08:09 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 261
Posted By brokencoastline
I think your intuitions about the new image are...

I think your intuitions about the new image are mostly right, it feels a little overly enigmatic. At the same time it heightens the effect of the cool room image coming in like a breeze. Ultimately I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-18-2015, 08:05 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 84
Posted By brokencoastline
climbing the world's tallest radio tower

1.
There’s something like a cage
to protect the central pole from
who knows what, at this altitude.
There are plates and drums welded to it,
and wind you might
never come back from.

2.
No one else...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-16-2015, 12:13 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 240
Posted By brokencoastline
The ending nails it for me. I don't like...

The ending nails it for me. I don't like barriers.

Tiny gaps. Moments. I think maybe lines 4 - 15 or so where you're describing these things goes on a bit too long. The poem itself sprawls out in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 11:54 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 261
Posted By brokencoastline
I agree with Ganoosh in that "the distance...

I agree with Ganoosh in that "the distance that defines/ what occupies our thoughts" seems too vague.

Somehow you blend the past and present in your last stanzas, "we sleep" and "you were there." It...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-11-2015, 07:50 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 275
Posted By brokencoastline
Thanks Saadia. The warmth is definitely what I...

Thanks Saadia. The warmth is definitely what I worry about most with this kind of thing.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-11-2015, 07:49 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 203
Posted By brokencoastline
Don't change "ask" to "beg."...

Don't change "ask" to "beg." A lot of your word choices are very charged already (bow, grimace, oblige, etc.) and mostly I think you keep it just under control but it's the kind of thing that can get...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-11-2015, 07:38 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 251
Posted By brokencoastline
First sentence is a great opener. It's pretty...

First sentence is a great opener. It's pretty strange. I don't think of bedheadedness as frantic or unsuspecting but I'm inclined to trust you on it immediately. It works in some kind of slanted...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-11-2015, 07:27 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 156
Posted By brokencoastline
I wonder if this is intended to be longer. You...

I wonder if this is intended to be longer. You say "complete story," and this does feel like it's opening a story, but it doesn't feel complete.

Length factors into my thinking that, though of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-04-2015, 06:34 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 291
Posted By brokencoastline
The first three lines are enough to make me...

The first three lines are enough to make me expect narrative, and what comes after (and even in those first three lines upon reflection) is much more fragmented than that.

In a way that makes it...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-04-2015, 06:24 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 372
Posted By brokencoastline
I agree that the first stanza could use some...

I agree that the first stanza could use some tidying up. "fresh"sticks out awkwardly to me as its own line and it's sort of implied in morning air. The parenthetical is all over the place, and I'm...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-03-2015, 09:50 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 275
Posted By brokencoastline
another blood moon for July

something a little weirder for now:

mason.gmu.edu/~ebrumbac/rambutans (http://mason.gmu.edu/~ebrumbac/rambutans)
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 02-24-2015, 01:03 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 446
Posted By brokencoastline
I agree with Ganoosh, pacing is very strong here....

I agree with Ganoosh, pacing is very strong here. You manage space in a poem well (I've always thought this) when a lot of people don't really consider it.

Your first stanza blows things way up, or...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-23-2015, 01:32 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 359
Posted By brokencoastline
Mostly the images add up nicely. "lightning...

Mostly the images add up nicely. "lightning bug princes that taught us to fly," starts to get a little overly glittery, though.

Oblivion as a backdrop to all the specific memories is nice. I took...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-22-2015, 07:10 PM
Replies: 2,171
Views: 74,739
Posted By brokencoastline
This...

This (http://trashtalkpress.storenvy.com/products/11821365-winter-2014-zine) came out today. Thanks to everyone on here that submitted.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-09-2015, 01:26 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 444
Posted By brokencoastline
Thanks everyone.

Thanks everyone.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-02-2015, 01:02 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 527
Posted By brokencoastline
I think what's most successful about this is that...

I think what's most successful about this is that the language feels very deft and smooth. It's felt much better than it's understood, which is good.



It does get a little shaky in these lines....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-02-2015, 12:45 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 377
Posted By brokencoastline
I think "sink liquid" is too...

I think "sink liquid" is too nonspecific to really work.

Not sure what you were doing with "asbes" in the second stanza, shorthand for asbestos? I kept trying to attach it to the first word of the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-29-2014, 05:12 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 444
Posted By brokencoastline
one blood moon for july

Rambutans at the seams, the little
hairs stitching those days together.
Gather on this floor as
it sinks; Swamphouse wedding reception
2013 - (flashes
going off in the *******)
halls and grocery...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-02-2014, 02:22 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 610
Posted By brokencoastline
I just called December 18-22 out of work, so...

I just called December 18-22 out of work, so pending approval those dates should work for me. It'd be great to see both of you at once.

Jimmy, are you driving down? feel free to text/call me...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-01-2014, 03:13 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 610
Posted By brokencoastline
You gave me a comment on this site a few years...

You gave me a comment on this site a few years (!!!) ago which was "old friends are still always there; they were real and living during some part of your life," which seems appropriate to repeat...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 08:51 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 334
Posted By brokencoastline
The "yet" changes things a lot, puts a...

The "yet" changes things a lot, puts a lot of purpose and contrast in that first stanza I can't quite figure out. "Weightless as a feather," is a bit cliche.

Otherwise I can't tell if this feels...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 08:42 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 432
Posted By brokencoastline
I'm interested in a chapbook. I can pm you about...

I'm interested in a chapbook. I can pm you about prompts/payment once I have both of those, or let me know if there's a more convenient contact method. Your recent poems have such a strong and...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2014, 08:36 PM
Replies: 4
-ie
Views: 330
Posted By brokencoastline
The simplicity of the form is really well-used...

The simplicity of the form is really well-used here, short lines and deconstructed, somehow wonderfully simplistic, phrasings. I'll echo that this seems succinct and without much need for...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-17-2014, 01:05 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 393
Posted By brokencoastline
Forgetting is a defense mechanism; I believe that...

Forgetting is a defense mechanism; I believe that firmly. This feels like the first small ventures into remembering, probably because of all the questions. In that sense it seems successful.

It...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-17-2014, 12:48 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 416
Posted By brokencoastline
"Meandering" was actually a word I was...

"Meandering" was actually a word I was thinking of using here earlier today as well. There's a meandering I think you do well. Some of the long lines work like this, some don't. "Where gauges and...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 03:18 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 356
Posted By brokencoastline
That definitely changes it, just a misread on my...

That definitely changes it, just a misread on my part.

Maybe the thing with the end is the abstractness of it. It just describes a feeling. Focusing in on something concrete, an image or action,...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-06-2014, 03:15 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 167
Posted By brokencoastline
I think this is very strong. I'd omit...

I think this is very strong.

I'd omit "slow," because I think it doesn't add much to heavy, or to any kind of rhythmic change. The repetition of "dark" twice in the same stanza seems to detract as...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 10:00 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 356
Posted By brokencoastline
I pretty much agree with Matt's points. "you...

I pretty much agree with Matt's points. "you can't stare right at it" as an aside for the sun doesn't seem to do much for you, especially with "staring at the sun" coming so soon after that...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-04-2014, 09:40 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 317
Posted By brokencoastline
Opstedal is huge for me. I was just rereading...

Opstedal is huge for me. I was just rereading "Goodbye Kodachrome" by him earlier today for sentimental reasons. I'm glad other people here are enjoying him.

I think that slow start Jimmy mentions...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 203

 
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