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Search: Posts Made By: hippieboy444
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-20-2015, 03:54 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 197
Posted By hippieboy444
agreed on the first stanza with synth. i am not...

agreed on the first stanza with synth. i am not crazy about the second either, especially the last line. it's too obvious for my taste, with the title and all.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-14-2015, 02:19 PM
Replies: 2,140
Views: 71,275
Posted By hippieboy444
thanks eecer, glad to hear. yeah, most of those...

thanks eecer, glad to hear. yeah, most of those appeared here at one point or another.

oscar, you mentioned a reddit forum you moderate for poetry?
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-13-2015, 10:05 PM
Replies: 2,140
Views: 71,275
Posted By hippieboy444
doubtful, let me know when you get the zine(s) i...

doubtful, let me know when you get the zine(s) i sent you.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-09-2015, 09:57 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 259
Posted By hippieboy444
this has potential, but it's bogged down by...

this has potential, but it's bogged down by vague-ness and limp images. "made you forget the things your body said" is the strongest line in the piece, but you never quite come back to it or develop...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-09-2015, 07:45 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 281
Posted By hippieboy444
as eccer said, the simplicity of your poetry...

as eccer said, the simplicity of your poetry always impresses me. i like the first bit, up to the last two couplets. "sometimes appearing in different rooms" is a very strong and striking image in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-08-2015, 09:46 PM
Replies: 2,140
Views: 71,275
Posted By hippieboy444
i arrived late to the party, i've been here like...

i arrived late to the party, i've been here like some 8 years but only recently feel like i've written anything of even menial quality. but like many have said, it's been a huge help and i doubt i...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-05-2015, 01:49 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 403
Posted By hippieboy444
thanks for WotW (or more accurately, writer of...

thanks for WotW (or more accurately, writer of the next 3-5 weeks :p: )
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-05-2015, 01:04 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 283
Posted By hippieboy444
the consistency of the images really makes this...

the consistency of the images really makes this striking. i think a few phrases could be cleaned up to read better. some that strike me:

"...as if I am indigenous [at, for?] this arrival" - 'of'...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-01-2015, 12:16 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 296
Posted By hippieboy444
in a weird way sink liquid works because it is...

in a weird way sink liquid works because it is somewhat clinical and gross. on second thought, it does work somewhat.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-01-2015, 11:59 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 403
Posted By hippieboy444
thanks guys, doubtful i'm mailing your zine...

thanks guys, doubtful i'm mailing your zine tomorrow. not sure how long it'll take to get to britain.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-30-2014, 01:41 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 359
Posted By hippieboy444
rambutan was weird at first, but i looked it up...

rambutan was weird at first, but i looked it up and it makes sense now. how have i gone so long without knowing what the hell a rambutan is?

otherwise, dig this. once we get to the grocery store...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-30-2014, 12:57 PM
Replies: 11
Views: 459
Posted By hippieboy444
bump and edited. tried to streamline certain...

bump and edited. tried to streamline certain images and expand the male agony event.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-30-2014, 02:35 AM
Replies: 2,140
Views: 71,275
Posted By hippieboy444
congrats man! marriage seems like it'd be...

congrats man! marriage seems like it'd be awesome. hope i get to find out myself one day. best of luck with the journey.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-30-2014, 12:49 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 459
Posted By hippieboy444
thanks. yeah, i'm never sure how detailed/ornate...

thanks. yeah, i'm never sure how detailed/ornate to be and how plain to be. i always feel that transitions are a weak spot for me for sure. in terms of wordiness, perhaps the first edit was better:...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-28-2014, 10:59 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 403
Posted By hippieboy444
WotW: rorschach test

dismantled. the heart, receding below,
thrown over, quiet. slow &nearly deliberate.
speeds up then slows back down. this ache,
purple, bruised upon my neck like

the month of October. you take,...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-26-2014, 11:37 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 496
Posted By hippieboy444
that last stanza is awesome. it leaves me saying,...

that last stanza is awesome. it leaves me saying, "yes". i think the first stanza is a bit slow and wordy, but not necessarily because the words are dragging it down per se - you've selected great...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-26-2014, 11:30 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 296
Posted By hippieboy444
not sure about the last image "sink...

not sure about the last image "sink liquid". i can tell what you're getting at and it's adequate, but maybe something a bit punchier would fit with the other words of the piece - "crumble" "scraped"...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-26-2014, 11:18 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 459
Posted By hippieboy444
i want to point out (since we posted at the same...

i want to point out (since we posted at the same time!) i edited this piece heavily, which you can read now. as i said, i worry about the transitions, and i tried to expand the events, but now i...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-26-2014, 11:17 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 459
Posted By hippieboy444
thanks, i ending up editing this quite a lot and...

thanks, i ending up editing this quite a lot and the original post now contains the edited version. i think the transitions are a bit rough now, but i like this presentation more. i expanded a lot...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-25-2014, 08:29 PM
Replies: 2,140
Views: 71,275
Posted By hippieboy444
merry christmas. putting together a poetry zine,...

merry christmas. putting together a poetry zine, pm me if anyone is interested. free/free shipping.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-15-2014, 05:41 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 344
Posted By hippieboy444
despair actually reads a lot better. thinking...

despair actually reads a lot better.

thinking of blue, maybe adding a part in the last stanza that relates the color blue to the sky and an image of it crashing down might add some contrast and...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-13-2014, 11:57 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 344
Posted By hippieboy444
this is really nice. overall the voice and pacing...

this is really nice. overall the voice and pacing was well controlled. a few parts felt out of place, like the use of "blue" in the last stanza (maybe a tad obvious); and "sadness" in the first....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-11-2014, 12:14 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 285
Posted By hippieboy444
also, yeah, fred, post the chord progression so i...

also, yeah, fred, post the chord progression so i can get a sense of the timing here. :rolleyes:
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-11-2014, 12:13 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 285
Posted By hippieboy444
this has its moments but i feel it needs some...

this has its moments but i feel it needs some marinating time. maybe that would be enough - leave it for a month and come back and see what you think. i find this helps me a lot. i guess the reason...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-10-2014, 02:30 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 546
Posted By hippieboy444
cleaned this up and added a line. thanks for the...

cleaned this up and added a line. thanks for the help everyone.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-09-2014, 09:50 PM
Replies: 11
Views: 459
Posted By hippieboy444
eye of a needle

a quiet farm blanketed with pure white snow. the late afternoon shadows loom as cruel as obsidian. the pond is frozen over and the fence posts lean crooked. clusters of trees stand bare, their trunks...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 12-02-2014, 04:05 PM
Replies: 11
Views: 533
Posted By hippieboy444
your poems breathe some much. good work.

your poems breathe some much. good work.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-26-2014, 02:05 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 398
Posted By hippieboy444
all the best. i am glad you have been here.

all the best. i am glad you have been here.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-26-2014, 02:05 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 299
Posted By hippieboy444
edited. added to rather than removed from. think...

edited. added to rather than removed from. think it still leans on delirious. maybe that isn't bad. formatting still is not quite right.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-25-2014, 12:45 PM
Replies: 8
3am
Views: 220
Posted By hippieboy444
i like this. minimal.

i like this. minimal.
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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