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Search: Posts Made By: hippieboy444
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-18-2014, 07:58 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 323
Posted By hippieboy444
i'm stuck on changing "it", as it...

i'm stuck on changing "it", as it refers to the pull of gravity referenced early. maybe this connection gets obfuscated by the time the poem is closing, but i can't think of another way to close this.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-17-2014, 03:17 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 112
Posted By hippieboy444
the last line is lovely. i wish i could come up...

the last line is lovely. i wish i could come up with something like that. anyway, this reminds me of one of your other pieces, i think that involved a lake and (if i am remembering) cheeks as well....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-17-2014, 03:12 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 86
Posted By hippieboy444
this is really lovely. you do such a great...

this is really lovely. you do such a great service in hiding what you're saying until the very end, but all the while giving inklings of it away. it really has a brilliant arc to this. the banana...
Forum: Guitar Techniques 09-16-2014, 12:51 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 375
Posted By hippieboy444
long tones.

long tones.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-15-2014, 02:20 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 186
Posted By hippieboy444
parts of this are a bit too angsty and obvious...

parts of this are a bit too angsty and obvious for my taste, and while i like the coherence of the images/metaphor, it gets a bit dull by the end of the piece.

to my first point, you tend to say...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-14-2014, 04:00 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 474
Posted By hippieboy444
certainly this does wrap up nicely and i like...

certainly this does wrap up nicely and i like that the images are consistent and related; but there's just so much stuff.

honestly though, a vocalist could deliver this really convincingly and make...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-14-2014, 11:04 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 474
Posted By hippieboy444
this has some incredibly great lines and moments,...

this has some incredibly great lines and moments, but this is also really bloated. there's so much going on to the point that the really poignant lines and images are presented and then discarded as...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-14-2014, 10:59 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 88
Posted By hippieboy444
wild blue yonder

another empty train blasts by
sbd/ without stopping, the throng
of pedestrians left to sigh in its wake;
and iím glancing over my shoulder and thinking
i could be happy: that that possibility...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-12-2014, 01:29 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 163
Posted By hippieboy444
always with the brevity. you nail it.

always with the brevity. you nail it.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-11-2014, 11:43 PM
Replies: 2,082
Views: 67,508
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, i'm not sure. i appreciate what you guys...

yeah, i'm not sure. i appreciate what you guys have to say, but honestly when i think about trying to put a move on her, it seems kind of weird. so maybe that means i just ahve these weird fantasies...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-09-2014, 11:56 PM
Replies: 2,082
Views: 67,508
Posted By hippieboy444
yo., how you know when you really *like* someone?...

yo., how you know when you really *like* someone? i got this one friend and she is super cool, i feel really close to her, she's crazy intelligent, but i never know what i want. i dont know how to...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-07-2014, 07:44 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 260
Posted By hippieboy444
congrats. nice read.

congrats. nice read.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-06-2014, 11:51 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 144
Posted By hippieboy444
i love these lines but i long for some...

i love these lines but i long for some punctuation to separate them. even just a semi-colon after "first time in years" would be great. i really hope i am not reading this wrong, though, with that...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-02-2014, 08:21 PM
Replies: 2,082
Views: 67,508
Posted By hippieboy444
my bike got stolen. boo.

my bike got stolen. boo.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-02-2014, 03:23 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 325
Posted By hippieboy444
i always really enjoy your works. thanks for...

i always really enjoy your works. thanks for posting.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-30-2014, 01:10 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 168
Posted By hippieboy444
i really like this on first glance. the images...

i really like this on first glance. the images and the pacing are great; there's a good amount of restraint balanced with revelation.

good work. thanks for positng.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-25-2014, 06:43 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 252
Posted By hippieboy444
only the first stanza rhymes. Mrrula,...

only the first stanza rhymes.

Mrrula, punctuation is a technique; a tool for communication. there's no reason to *not* use it, or to avoid it. my 2 cents.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-24-2014, 07:31 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 252
Posted By hippieboy444
nice little poem here. i appreciate the brevity...

nice little poem here. i appreciate the brevity and how you contain what you do within it.

overall, this needs tightening. i think added punctuation could help isolate, emphasize and separate...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-24-2014, 11:49 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 255
Posted By hippieboy444
thanks for always checking out my pieces. i...

thanks for always checking out my pieces. i really appreciate your support and insights rooster. yeah, i may break this up a bit. it's definitely more americana than i tend to mess with!

and yo, you...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-23-2014, 12:58 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 255
Posted By hippieboy444
broken bow

raised from abject poverty in 1933,
the birth of Achilles haunted the Nebraskan airwaves
like a fire you could see for miles, the smoke
rising effortlessly into the endless blue canvas
of sky. we...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-23-2014, 12:19 AM
Replies: 14
Views: 472
Posted By hippieboy444
go for it. it's rehashed from a kevin opstedal...

go for it. it's rehashed from a kevin opstedal poem: i think he writes "x-rayed sparrow's wings"

:shrug: credit where it's due.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-23-2014, 12:14 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 167
Posted By hippieboy444
only two gripes were the comma after 'extra dry...

only two gripes were the comma after 'extra dry gin' and the however in the first stanza of III.

otherwise, i echo #1. concise and forthright, this unfolds quite nicely. like an aged bourbon almost...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-21-2014, 12:22 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 218
Posted By hippieboy444
i give this a thumbs-up. vintage_metal brings up...

i give this a thumbs-up. vintage_metal brings up a couple points i agree with. not sure about "sperm spray-painted", the image (while true (i assume)) is a bit vulgar compared to the rest of the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-19-2014, 11:15 PM
Replies: 2
p.
Views: 197
Posted By hippieboy444
wow. i love the language and the composition....

wow. i love the language and the composition. only thing i dislike is the presence of "the/ other on my fingertips". mentioning the other isn't out of place per se, but it seems to explicitly...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-19-2014, 02:22 PM
Replies: 14
Views: 472
Posted By hippieboy444
revised (?) the front porch bathed in a cool dim...

revised (?)

the front porch
bathed in a cool dim light.

maybe it is summer;
what lies around indicates so:
whiskey, a creaky
wooden chair,
and i listen in the wind for your voice
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-19-2014, 11:53 AM
Replies: 2
m
Views: 152
Posted By hippieboy444
"my fuselage". *two thumbs uP*

"my fuselage".

*two thumbs uP*
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-18-2014, 09:56 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 323
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, the last line was something i saw in a wiki...

yeah, the last line was something i saw in a wiki article about collapsing stars, so i went with it. the first couple lines are from another poem that, upon revision, were removed, so they're a bit...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-18-2014, 01:57 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 315
Posted By hippieboy444
this has a few good lines in it, and it unfolds...

this has a few good lines in it, and it unfolds nicely, but i find it being dragged down by the length and the imagery. to the former, i think you could say most of what you want with fewer stanzas....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-17-2014, 01:07 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 361
Posted By hippieboy444
i've read this a couple times now, so i've given...

i've read this a couple times now, so i've given a decent effort towards meeting you. however, i really find this piece just faltering too much. many of the phrases seem haphazard and unrelated, and...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-17-2014, 12:56 AM
Replies: 2,082
Views: 67,508
Posted By hippieboy444
im having this issue where i can never finish a...

im having this issue where i can never finish a poem. it starts well but i can't find the right essence to get at and wrap up with. it seems like they all want to go on forever.
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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