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Search: Posts Made By: Jammydude44
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-22-2015, 04:03 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 104
Posted By Jammydude44
A nice little line that isn't overly developed....

A nice little line that isn't overly developed. Everything else either side needs a fair bit of salt and pepper at least - and the endings is pretty juvenile - but I'm a fan of 'slip on my sticky...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-22-2015, 03:59 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 87
Posted By Jammydude44
Barstool

there's a twist upon the gilded eve
one that flits and smirks right up your sleeve
and slips on out, with sleight of hand
I never had a doubt you came prepared with such perception

no concrete vibes...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-22-2015, 03:23 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 280
Posted By Jammydude44
I suggested presenting your ideas in a more...

I suggested presenting your ideas in a more unique, personal vision. The use of cliche can be substituted for something more unique that tells us your personal story in a way we haven't heard before...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-16-2015, 05:31 PM
Replies: 2,214
Views: 85,910
Posted By Jammydude44
Noice one son.

Noice one son.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-16-2015, 05:29 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 280
Posted By Jammydude44
You're clearly adept at the form of songwriting....

You're clearly adept at the form of songwriting. But I would direct you to look at some of the word and phrases you are selecting to use, and ask yourself if they really provide your unique view on...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-16-2015, 05:26 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 156
Posted By Jammydude44
For me this reads a little bit like you had an...

For me this reads a little bit like you had an ending line or idea and tried to cajole the rest of the piece out of it. I think what might be best addressed here is to focus on the formal aspects -...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-16-2015, 05:14 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 199
Posted By Jammydude44
The Curtain's Gap

you chew the meaning of your words
that drip upon the so-absurd
canvas you've got, to scrawl down your imagination's hands
but not the detail of your knuckles

we obfuscate the the basic...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-15-2015, 05:35 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 316
Posted By Jammydude44
Like a fine wine. Edit: Mike just read your...

Like a fine wine.

Edit: Mike just read your other piece on the previous page '...Exquise', didn't want to bump. Top drawer. You curse like a pro.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-15-2015, 05:32 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 218
Posted By Jammydude44
Hey Jimi. I think this needs a bit more form....

Hey Jimi. I think this needs a bit more form. It's got this slow-drawl ramble to it, which is the S&L way but I think there's opportunity here to trim, resize and most importantly reshape. I really...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-15-2015, 05:24 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 284
Posted By Jammydude44
I would invest a little more energy in trying to...

I would invest a little more energy in trying to portray these ideas with the old fashioned mantra, show not tell. A lot of this is a little to word-for-word description of an emotional state. I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-15-2015, 05:19 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 277
Posted By Jammydude44
I would argue this is a little bland. I think in...

I would argue this is a little bland. I think in particular you tend to choose relatively safe and uninspiring visions of how you see the world. Phrases like "calm before the storm" and "tall tales"...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-15-2015, 05:12 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 128
Posted By Jammydude44
The Scissors

you've got that invisible ring on your finger
so I won't linger but I might grab a glance
though in amongst all the ritz and the rubble
it looks like you're preparing to dance

baby I'm forever...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-02-2015, 10:20 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 321
Posted By Jammydude44
Different Towns

you made your point
what can I say?
you made your point as clear as day
I got shot down
you got het up
I played the fool and king at once
which ****ed it up

and it's all over now and there's not...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-29-2015, 07:12 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 310
Posted By Jammydude44
Worlds Apart

remember when we used to feel
we were in charge of gravity
and we'd decide how the planets aligned
and how the tides would turn at sea

now we're poles apart, and you're an afterthought
(I'm running...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 02-12-2015, 08:09 PM
Replies: 1,594
Views: 96,575
Posted By Jammydude44
I still think you should get shot of the two sub...

I still think you should get shot of the two sub forums and run monthly contests through the main forum as a sticky, and also open up the rules to allow lyric writing discussion. Like, yeah.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 02-12-2015, 07:38 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 300
Posted By Jammydude44
Your Heart Will Feel So Damn Sore

I can't take back my love
but I can take away my hand
I won't take your melodies
but I'll take away the band

and you'll be sitting on the sofa
and your heart will feel so damn sore

I can't take...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 02-04-2015, 04:10 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 344
Posted By Jammydude44
Out by the Exit

I pocketed the notion, quick on the uptake
as per usual - talk slow, low, on the side
and resist the temptation to flick a pupil
her way. The air thickened into slag, each
psychic wave held in molten...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 02-02-2015, 05:29 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 217
Posted By Jammydude44
Centre Stage

it takes a tick for you to fib
and rob the moment of it's fizz
a sentence hangs upon your lip
but it never drops

inaudible the truth it creeps
from the corner of your eye it seeps
into your double...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-21-2015, 02:48 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 432
Posted By Jammydude44
Frustratingly, grasping for meaning in the...

Frustratingly, grasping for meaning in the universal alongside the recognition of the more ordinary local seems to recur a lot in your work, and I've always found you far more interesting when you...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-21-2015, 02:38 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 273
Posted By Jammydude44
Red Hair

you always had the kind of eyes that were more intrigued by the novel
than what was new yesterday
preferred my cheek to be covered in stubble than have your lips slip straight off my face
you got...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 05:17 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 645
Posted By Jammydude44
hey.i wish i knew what i was thinking when i left...

hey.i wish i knew what i was thinking when i left my body. you never return to this question and thus it becomes a weak and underdeveloped line. In a piece where every line counts, once you've read...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 04:59 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 461
Posted By Jammydude44
"Arachnoid bridges" sticks out like a...

"Arachnoid bridges" sticks out like a sore thumb, so does "rendering". "Indistinct instance" doesn't ring half as sharp as it wants to be. "gauges and meters" really clashes with "partial pictures",...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 04:51 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 440
Posted By Jammydude44
I think there's several kernels of different...

I think there's several kernels of different pieces, or at least tones, here, and they clash. I think the vocabulary as a whole isn't fully coherent together - like, I think an idea presented as...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-11-2014, 04:41 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 650
Posted By Jammydude44
WotW: Where it Started

I pinpointed the moment we might have lost it
I skipped about three episodes ahead in the boxset
you were out
and I was in
bored stiff and suffering
self-pity had got a little bit repetitive

so I...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-27-2014, 04:50 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 209
Posted By Jammydude44
Last Corner

she was filled with regret the moment her lips stopped moving
the part where she had parted them was still looming
upon them like a thunderstorm as they wound their way back home

she was equipped...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-23-2014, 02:23 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 227
Posted By Jammydude44
The Ridges

is it an open secret?
or the ending of a trilogy
don't spoil me
raconteur

you make your mind up as you go along
like the wit of a poem or song
I find it get's overly complicated
to follow
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-14-2014, 10:20 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 290
Posted By Jammydude44
Creeping Over Broken Glass

i remember
i remember
when your name at the top of the text
got me wet
promising potential or threat

i remember
i remember
sticking my hands in glue
to hold you close
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-12-2014, 05:01 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 358
Posted By Jammydude44
Right Behind

this temptation carnival's
tantamount to torture
these handcuffs look different
from what I bought ya
I knew your shadow
liked itself stretched out
reaching for the edges of the frame

walking down...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-07-2014, 03:44 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 525
Posted By Jammydude44
Exits

the light is getting cold
am I bright or am I old?
they all dance now pretty weird
stuck in a trance now
stuck in a trance now

this night is getting morning
all over itself, should I stall it?
they...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-09-2014, 12:14 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 487
Posted By Jammydude44
Just to note, that's just half a sentence. I...

Just to note, that's just half a sentence. I wouldn't expect it to make any sense, it's grammatically improbable. Thanks for your time :)

Cheers HippieBoy. Though I disagree with your point about...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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