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Search: Posts Made By: hippieboy444
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 05-05-2015, 11:28 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 390
Posted By hippieboy444
this is so nice. your writing gets weirder and...

this is so nice. your writing gets weirder and weirder (in a good way!). the tact you assert is really impressive. maybe some of the word choice could be chiseled up in the first stanza and made a...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-16-2015, 08:45 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 272
Posted By hippieboy444
some of these images feel forced or incongruent...

some of these images feel forced or incongruent with the rest. the cannabalism image especially. and the mail part. that really made me stumble. overall i think this is OK, i guess i'd like something...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-16-2015, 12:02 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 210
Posted By hippieboy444
nice imagery but unsure of the ending and how it...

nice imagery but unsure of the ending and how it all comes together. 'pink smirnoff' seems out of place and a bit too un-ambiguous compared to the rest; although the images are concrete they seem to...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-16-2015, 12:00 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 183
Posted By hippieboy444
thursday

darling, there’s no feeling today
another dull ache
draw myself
in a long line
the dirty street, the bus stop
all the time i got
these thoughts
coloring the eye shut
ashen grey and hard luck,
all...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-12-2015, 08:46 PM
Replies: 1,420
Views: 65,934
Posted By hippieboy444
we cause the accidents, the scars that throb from...

we cause the accidents,
the scars that throb from the treebark
and yet the liquid that seeps forth
tastes
so
sweet.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-10-2015, 10:40 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 232
Posted By hippieboy444
also, "but sadly not skirts" seems out...

also, "but sadly not skirts" seems out of character with the rest of the tone of the piece. perhaps that's because of the verbose direction you've currently taken. i understand what you're going for,...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-10-2015, 10:39 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 232
Posted By hippieboy444
not sure i agree about the vocabulary. there's...

not sure i agree about the vocabulary. there's something comforting and personal about casual vocabulary. Like Hemmingway and Steinbeck, they always feel so conversational and intimate in this way....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-10-2015, 10:35 AM
Replies: 2,186
Views: 79,667
Posted By hippieboy444
been having ear aches and a tenuous voice inside...

been having ear aches and a tenuous voice inside me keeps repeating it's all for naught.

things are pretty good.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-10-2015, 10:33 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 117
Posted By hippieboy444
i once listened

you poke holes in my theories
for the fun of it
and with laser precision, somehow
yet undiscovered.

what i pine over, it lays
mostly dead, decaying
into purple slush, which
puddles and is stepped in...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-09-2015, 09:21 AM
Replies: 25
Views: 942
Posted By hippieboy444
i agree.

i agree.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-09-2015, 12:52 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 247
Posted By hippieboy444
face down

i surrender my essence.
you spill glasses of water
mindlessly.



and reduced
to impulse,
blood cells,
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-09-2015, 12:25 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 230
Posted By hippieboy444
a last thought. i wish you would linger more on...

a last thought. i wish you would linger more on the generation thought. personally i sympathize with the sentiment and from that i would've liked more treatment of it, but as it stands, these two...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-09-2015, 12:23 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 230
Posted By hippieboy444
this picks up at "often i think about my...

this picks up at "often i think about my generation..." (btw, that line is gold). before that, it meanders and seems a bit too slow on setting things up. I didn't like the opening line especially,...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-07-2015, 09:24 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 177
Posted By hippieboy444
not sure what i think here. part of me likes the...

not sure what i think here. part of me likes the concept of the poem, but the voice gets too casual at times. the first two stanzas are the strongest, they flow well and the images are fresh; by the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-03-2015, 10:29 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 179
Posted By hippieboy444
:dance: :no:

:dance:


:no:
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-02-2015, 08:15 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 179
Posted By hippieboy444
taking out the garbage

i find myself in a light spring drizzle
in this dark crevice of the city where
the garbage goes. i stand in the rain
for a moment. the city sort of exhales
around me and i become caught in
its rusted...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-02-2015, 09:32 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 327
Posted By hippieboy444
I find this rather heavy-handed with the large...

I find this rather heavy-handed with the large words. It's like some modern academic works that are dripping with theoretical language but behind it, there's not much. This is not to say that i don't...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-25-2015, 12:50 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 231
Posted By hippieboy444
i once was like them

i search;


what falls, the cold sweeps
over and renders inert.

crude glass stretched over
uneven portions of sidewalk
reflects the monoliths which
slumber and align themselves
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-24-2015, 01:24 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 819
Posted By hippieboy444
thanks for WotW!

thanks for WotW!
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-21-2015, 01:56 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 315
Posted By hippieboy444
besides "baba purge would be proud" the...

besides "baba purge would be proud" the focus and intensity of the piece is consistent. I feel like this is the culmination of all you've been writing lately, even though the treatment is more direct...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-19-2015, 09:24 AM
Replies: 2,186
Views: 79,667
Posted By hippieboy444
i wish it were spring. it's 14F in Montreal today...

i wish it were spring. it's 14F in Montreal today with about 4 inches of snow on the ground.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-17-2015, 10:55 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 819
Posted By hippieboy444
Edited. I am not sure i like the new image - it...

Edited. I am not sure i like the new image - it seems slightly incongruous with the rest of the piece. as well, i worry it's a bit too short to be impactful.

thanks for the critiques, i agree that...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 10:51 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 377
Posted By hippieboy444
^ ostensibly agreed.

^ ostensibly agreed.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 07:25 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 475
Posted By hippieboy444
i quite like the first stanza. it flows well and...

i quite like the first stanza. it flows well and is succinct. the second seems to leave the piece a bit short. i feel like i'm harping on everyone these days about endings, but they're so hard to...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 04:50 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 341
Posted By hippieboy444
there's a bit too much imagery going here and it...

there's a bit too much imagery going here and it doesn't play into the piece well. i would advise that you pick which nouns you describe more carefully - it seems like every object has at least one...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 01:54 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 432
Posted By hippieboy444
i'm not sure i enjoyed the first two stanzas. i...

i'm not sure i enjoyed the first two stanzas. i sense a sort of attempt at writing something jumbled and faltering without tact and technique. not to say that this isn't an interesting read, for it...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 01:47 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 250
Posted By hippieboy444
goddamn you and your stupid font colors. i will...

goddamn you and your stupid font colors. i will not cease griping about them. you can call me geriatric, old fashioned, whatever! i always have to copy and paste these pieces.

i agree with broken...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 01:40 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 315
Posted By hippieboy444
the imagery here is gorgeous. the whole motion of...

the imagery here is gorgeous. the whole motion of the phrases when describing the cliff and the trees and the coast is magical.

i think you could trim the fat on the bookends. not that there aren't...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 01:34 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 208
Posted By hippieboy444
I'm not sure what to think of this. i find the...

I'm not sure what to think of this. i find the most satisfying part to be the interior lines - "I am inanimate. I will live my final days / alone. I have written these words (somewhere) before. I am...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 03-15-2015, 01:27 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 377
Posted By hippieboy444
The emphasis on the internal lines with the...

The emphasis on the internal lines with the formatting was quite effective. i can't help feeling that different punctuation might help make it even more effective - a semi-colon instead of...
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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