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Search: Posts Made By: hippieboy444
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics Today, 12:22 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 124
Posted By hippieboy444
i give this a thumbs-up. vintage_metal brings up...

i give this a thumbs-up. vintage_metal brings up a couple points i agree with. not sure about "sperm spray-painted", the image (while true (i assume)) is a bit vulgar compared to the rest of the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-19-2014, 11:15 PM
Replies: 1
p.
Views: 81
Posted By hippieboy444
wow. i love the language and the composition....

wow. i love the language and the composition. only thing i dislike is the presence of "the/ other on my fingertips". mentioning the other isn't out of place per se, but it seems to explicitly...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-19-2014, 02:22 PM
Replies: 12
Views: 365
Posted By hippieboy444
revised (?) the front porch bathed in a cool dim...

revised (?)

the front porch
bathed in a cool dim light.

maybe it is summer;
what lies around indicates so:
whiskey, a creaky
wooden chair,
and i listen in the wind for your voice
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-19-2014, 11:53 AM
Replies: 2
m
Views: 90
Posted By hippieboy444
"my fuselage". *two thumbs uP*

"my fuselage".

*two thumbs uP*
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-18-2014, 09:56 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 214
Posted By hippieboy444
yeah, the last line was something i saw in a wiki...

yeah, the last line was something i saw in a wiki article about collapsing stars, so i went with it. the first couple lines are from another poem that, upon revision, were removed, so they're a bit...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-18-2014, 01:57 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 228
Posted By hippieboy444
this has a few good lines in it, and it unfolds...

this has a few good lines in it, and it unfolds nicely, but i find it being dragged down by the length and the imagery. to the former, i think you could say most of what you want with fewer stanzas....
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-17-2014, 01:07 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 203
Posted By hippieboy444
i've read this a couple times now, so i've given...

i've read this a couple times now, so i've given a decent effort towards meeting you. however, i really find this piece just faltering too much. many of the phrases seem haphazard and unrelated, and...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-17-2014, 12:56 AM
Replies: 2,064
Views: 66,203
Posted By hippieboy444
im having this issue where i can never finish a...

im having this issue where i can never finish a poem. it starts well but i can't find the right essence to get at and wrap up with. it seems like they all want to go on forever.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-11-2014, 01:51 PM
Replies: 3
k
Views: 171
Posted By hippieboy444
there are so brilliant lines here, and overall, i...

there are so brilliant lines here, and overall, i think this could be really really great.

but i have a few gripes.

i *really* hate the repeated letters at the end of words (mentalyyyy). why?...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-10-2014, 02:04 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 165
Posted By hippieboy444
the phrasing in the first stanza needs work. i'm...

the phrasing in the first stanza needs work. i'm not sure about the ==== either. but the line breaks and the phrases are pretty disjointed. maybe some added punctuation could help make it smoother...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-10-2014, 01:09 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 214
Posted By hippieboy444
stellar

by the river
we ponder a sea of stars
as eager as once we
swam amongst them;

shy columns of light sinking between the cracks of our knuckles

could be iím just happy,
or that i pretend that;
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-08-2014, 10:16 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 279
Posted By hippieboy444
'penis with a view' is a hilarious line. i don't...

'penis with a view' is a hilarious line. i don't know if you're trying to have a slightly caustic wit to this, but it comes across that way to me. i like it. not sure about the last stanza, although...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-06-2014, 08:00 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 238
Posted By hippieboy444
what's wrong with drugs and prostitutes?

what's wrong with drugs and prostitutes?
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-03-2014, 10:42 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 238
Posted By hippieboy444
the pinnacle of weirdness for your recent pieces...

the pinnacle of weirdness for your recent pieces certainly. i couldn't say if this is working against you - i think i'd have to physically hold it and read it to determine it (some of your...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 08-01-2014, 01:02 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 218
Posted By hippieboy444
Don.ner Pass

went too far;

and it was as far as the car
would take us.

in the desert,
a look of guilt creased against
the dusk mountains, red & blazing:
a sparrow lands on the hood.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-31-2014, 01:22 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 138
Posted By hippieboy444
cmon, the green font on the black is so f-ing...

cmon, the green font on the black is so f-ing hard to read!

anyway, this reminds me of Tao Lin in some ways. direct, honest, and poignant. my gripe is that it reads too much like a story at times:...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-31-2014, 01:15 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 559
Posted By hippieboy444
i should say i scraped the title "spiritual...

i should say i scraped the title "spiritual but not religious". i tried to edit it off the thread, but it didn't take. here's a quick revision:

to stay. but,
yet withheld;

so awake,
...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-31-2014, 10:11 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 559
Posted By hippieboy444
thanks for the thoughtful review. i definitely...

thanks for the thoughtful review. i definitely want to keep the first two lines, but i see your point about the following content before the break. i will have to muse over that.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-30-2014, 08:56 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 142
Posted By hippieboy444
welcome to the forum, don't think i've see you...

welcome to the forum, don't think i've see you around. nice username.

i enjoy the content here - the image, the phrasing, the ending. it is a nice piece. i originally thought that it was a bit too...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-29-2014, 12:01 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 162
Posted By hippieboy444
overall, i enjoy this, but the first two stanzas...

overall, i enjoy this, but the first two stanzas dont connect as strongly as they ought with the last two. i like the *vibe* of the intro, but i feel like it bears too weak a relation to where the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-28-2014, 11:51 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 189
Posted By hippieboy444
i like this. weird and satisfying. thanks for...

i like this. weird and satisfying.

thanks for posting. i'm keeping an eye out for future pieces from you.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-25-2014, 09:43 PM
Replies: 5
e.
Views: 310
Posted By hippieboy444
i really like this but i don't like the ending...

i really like this but i don't like the ending much. the last line seems more gestural than final; if i remember, was it previously "the skin of you"? i think i prefered that.

that being said, i...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-22-2014, 09:01 PM
Replies: 3
a.
Views: 306
Posted By hippieboy444
i feel like (spectacular) could be moved down a...

i feel like (spectacular) could be moved down a line or over or something.

brevity alludes me. i wish i had this economy of lines.

:waldo:
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-22-2014, 08:58 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 312
Posted By hippieboy444
this is really quite nice. i only hesitate over...

this is really quite nice. i only hesitate over the first couple of lines, i feel you could introduce the poem in a stronger way.

still, this builds to a great ending. i enjoy it. i hope things are...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-22-2014, 08:55 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 279
Posted By hippieboy444
the title is really lovely but overall this piece...

the title is really lovely but overall this piece lacks to me. i think your first two lines are nice, but the way it ends feels obvious, like you're taking the easy way out of ending it. i would love...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-20-2014, 09:40 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 559
Posted By hippieboy444
'untitled'

to stay. but,
yet withheld;

we ponder a sea of stars
as eager as once we
swam amongst them;

shy columns of light sinking between the cracks of our knuckles
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-18-2014, 12:04 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 293
Posted By hippieboy444
this is quite nice. i am always jealous when...

this is quite nice. i am always jealous when people can write such nice poems with such few words. i never feel comfortable with such brevity.

it works really nicely here. the only thing i might...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-17-2014, 05:16 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 472
Posted By hippieboy444
surprised this never took in the forum. i...

surprised this never took in the forum. i actually really like it, especially how it ends. the first stanza is the weekest, maybe you could find a way to ease into the context better. it seems...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-15-2014, 11:30 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 457
Posted By hippieboy444
i always marvel at the space you use in your...

i always marvel at the space you use in your poems. i could not use as much as you do comfortably. your writing always breathes so much

this poem, as faux said, is very relatable. good work. thanks...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-13-2014, 11:03 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 406
Posted By hippieboy444
revised. if i could find the key to your heart,...

revised.

if i could find
the key to
your heart, dear,
it would be better than
christmas - all the christmases
i have lived through; and,,
and all the birthdays, too.
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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