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Search: Posts Made By: SubwayToVenus
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-17-2014, 12:39 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 64
Posted By SubwayToVenus
Weak

a persistent paleness from the light fixtures hanging
in the hallways, in the basement, in all of our faces -
you may never even see it, but you'll know it when you taste the
brown spots on the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 07-19-2014, 12:13 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 344
Posted By SubwayToVenus
I feel like all of your poems have been hinting...

I feel like all of your poems have been hinting at though not quite executing what this poem has done. All of your poems are brief and fleeting glimpses, but this glimpse incorporated the perfect...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-26-2014, 12:38 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 413
Posted By SubwayToVenus
thanks guys

thanks guys
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-18-2014, 10:58 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 413
Posted By SubwayToVenus
grateful

pondered on his legacy too long; i've chewed on it
like overcooked meat and now the flavor is gone.
the eulogies i've conjured are contrived and i'm embarrassed -
on that day the congregation could...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-16-2014, 09:10 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 505
Posted By SubwayToVenus
a very good and very important piece. it read...

a very good and very important piece. it read well with an on-the-spot, stream-of-consciousness type of pace and i never thought it meandered too off-base at all. i share the same sentiment as you do...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-16-2014, 08:50 PM
Replies: 11
Views: 752
Posted By SubwayToVenus
I personally liked the second re-write the best,...

I personally liked the second re-write the best, although I really liked some of the formatting features you had in the third. I actually thought your adjective use was amazing here, especially how...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-16-2014, 08:36 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 345
Posted By SubwayToVenus
really liked this, man. i had to read through it...

really liked this, man. i had to read through it a few times to latch onto something i found powerful and meaningful and i'm glad i did.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-14-2014, 01:21 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 529
Posted By SubwayToVenus
thanks guys

thanks guys
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-14-2014, 09:51 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 421
Posted By SubwayToVenus
those last two lines killed me. this was...

those last two lines killed me. this was beautiful, saadia
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 06-13-2014, 11:41 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 529
Posted By SubwayToVenus
beautiful women are invisible (ii)

I could watch you with the sun in my eyes
from sunrise to sunset, while the days slowly unfold
without a wrinkle or false note -
I know I'm much too in love with your silhouette.
In my moment of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-25-2014, 10:39 AM
Replies: 14
Views: 471
Posted By SubwayToVenus
All in all, I really liked this piece. In my...

All in all, I really liked this piece. In my opinion, this was a marked improvement from the original you posted.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-24-2014, 05:17 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 307
Posted By SubwayToVenus
i appreciate it guys (and girl). my criticisms of...

i appreciate it guys (and girl). my criticisms of this echo yours. in the attempt to be economical and terse, i probably took away too much from it.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-24-2014, 05:10 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 402
Posted By SubwayToVenus
the ending is a beautiful sentiment, but i tend...

the ending is a beautiful sentiment, but i tend to agree with hippieboy in that if you strung me along for just a little while longer, it would've been that much more satisfying. that being said, it...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-24-2014, 04:49 PM
Replies: 14
Views: 471
Posted By SubwayToVenus
got some ideas for this, but since you're...

got some ideas for this, but since you're revising, i'll hold up til you post the edited version. i'll be back
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-24-2014, 04:42 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 288
Posted By SubwayToVenus
i really enjoyed this, mainly for what saadia...

i really enjoyed this, mainly for what saadia mentioned above - that dichotomy between the playfulness of how this is written vs the seriousness of what its written about. there's an ocean to bridge...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-18-2014, 05:33 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 307
Posted By SubwayToVenus
an open pasture

trying to shake the rust off...

we ran through the trees out to the open pasture
when the wind spawned arms and reached down our throats.
our bodies writhed and convulsed under a sky full of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 04-18-2014, 05:10 PM
Replies: 10
Views: 345
Posted By SubwayToVenus
miss you saadia. these turned my day around.

miss you saadia. these turned my day around.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 02-14-2014, 02:28 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 249
Posted By SubwayToVenus
beautiful women are invisible

Going through an epic trough of writer's block right now, so kinda just had to get something on paper. Hopefully these will get better.

beautiful women are invisible

i'm not a teenager in love, i'm...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-22-2014, 11:54 PM
Replies: 9
Views: 535
Posted By SubwayToVenus
this very well might be the poem i've been trying...

this very well might be the poem i've been trying and failing to write ever since i started writing. so much of this rang true for me it was scary.

this was so visceral and even in the depths of...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 01-10-2014, 09:03 PM
Replies: 13
Views: 580
Posted By SubwayToVenus
gorgeous

gorgeous
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-26-2013, 12:38 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 356
Posted By SubwayToVenus
thanks for the feed, guys. i don't know what it...

thanks for the feed, guys. i don't know what it is, but i can't seem to find the same emotional thrust behind anything i write unless it's written in 10/15 minutes or less. it seems like the more i...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2013, 06:15 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 312
Posted By SubwayToVenus
Haunting and beautiful

Haunting and beautiful
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2013, 04:22 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 398
Posted By SubwayToVenus
I would try to be cognizant of when you lead the...

I would try to be cognizant of when you lead the reader into an image-intensive passage. In my opinion you dove into these types of passages a little early instead of building and culminating the...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-24-2013, 03:26 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 398
Posted By SubwayToVenus
This could use some tightening up but I really do...

This could use some tightening up but I really do love the imagery and aesthetic feel you have going on here. The focus you show is great as well, being able to alternate between an intimate moment...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 11-23-2013, 05:25 PM
Replies: 5
Views: 356
Posted By SubwayToVenus
7:52 inthemorning

ots

so-called cathartic screaming, now the blood in my heart is leaking -
i gave it some thought and concluded all of my thoughts are fleeting.
watch them wisp away through the open window, and baby...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-18-2013, 01:20 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 682
Posted By SubwayToVenus
i thought this was beautiful. "the...

i thought this was beautiful. "the architecture of your name" was especially beautiful to me.
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-10-2013, 12:19 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 346
Posted By SubwayToVenus
Thank you, Carmel. You are so right in each of...

Thank you, Carmel. You are so right in each of your criticisms. I've been struggling putting thoughts on paper so I hastily threw it out there without any real structure to my ideas. I was just a...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 10-08-2013, 10:40 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 346
Posted By SubwayToVenus
nissan altima

monday mornings we showed up with utopias
burning in rosy embers within us, burning through the winters
while bouquets wilted and sirens whined for lost women.
in adolescence, i fashioned this sense...
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-28-2013, 07:18 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 501
Posted By SubwayToVenus
i've always known you were brilliant at spacing,...

i've always known you were brilliant at spacing, but when i read those last three three lines in succession as i scrolled down the page, it was revelatory.

well done, saadia. that last line sticks
Forum: Songwriting & Lyrics 09-28-2013, 07:10 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 252
Posted By SubwayToVenus
the feeling was there on this one. well done

the feeling was there on this one. well done
Showing results 1 to 30 of 500

 
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