11-17-2007, 03:46 AM
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#1 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
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Brighest Shadows in Days of Fade
Okay, this is the first thing I've written after coming out of writers block (4 years of it) oh well, crit would be nice, opinions just the same, feel free to bag the crap out of it!
 Close the door, turn out the light Nightfall’s call reaches to me Sends me back into a dream Beasts of night will wait for me Don’t you know? The Nights have grown so cold The End of Days the start of light Sends them all into flight Leaving me all alone To hold down a fight Why did you go? The feeling settles me See them through the night Hope they set alight The flame inside of you Let you set alight the night Burning bright Hoping end to a faithless plight This is the fear that no-one knows These are the beasts of conscious night Creatures of darkness on an endless flight Close the door, turn out the light Things of nightmares hurry past Nighttime moving far to fast Walking side by side with death The devils sanctum within each step Night turns back to light Beasts of night howl back to A path where no-one goes |
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11-17-2007, 06:14 AM
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#2 |
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Transience.
Join Date: Nov 2007
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I can definitely see the lyrical flow to this that to me quickly identifies it as a song rather than strictly poetry, which to me is largely a good thing (at least in terms of opinion).
Close the door, turn out the light Nightfall’s call reaches to me Sends me back into a dream Beasts of night will wait for me Don’t you know? The Nights have grown so cold Nice way to start the story, but the last line I feel falls a bit weak in comparison. The End of Days the start of light Sends them all into flight Leaving me all alone To hold down a fight Why did you go? The feeling settles me Again, the last line here just seems a bit awkward, though it's mainly in the wording. I think if you just reworked what you were tried to say about (what I think you're saying, anyway) the feeling of solitude bringing some sort of complacence, it would still work quite well. See them through the night Hope they set alight The flame inside of you Let you set alight the night Burning bright Hoping end to a faithless plight Too much rhyming off the same sound, to me. I don't think it needs it, really. I think that might also free you up a bit. Forcing a rhyme can hold you back. This is the fear that no-one knows These are the beasts of conscious night Creatures of darkness on an endless flight Close the door, turn out the light Things of nightmares hurry past Nighttime moving far to fast Probably my favorite part of the song, but the rhyming here I think tripped up, going a-b-b-b-c-c. Try making that second line rhyme off the first to balance it out if you want to stick with that. I like the return of the opening theme. Walking side by side with death The devils sanctum within each step Night turns back to light Beasts of night howl back to A path where no-one goes I particularly like this part as well, and a nice closure to the song. Nothing really to critique off this part. Last edited by Delanoir : 11-17-2007 at 07:03 AM. |
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11-17-2007, 07:21 PM
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#3 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
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Delanoir thank you for the critique, it has helped alot and with it I am hoping to turn it into something better, rhyming always has been my biggest problem, even when I dont realise it, anyway thanks again!
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11-17-2007, 09:47 PM
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#4 |
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Banned
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Batcave
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Sorry man, no smileys in title. Read the rules.
*reported* |
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11-17-2007, 09:48 PM
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#5 |
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Preserving the name...
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Stoking your fire...
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Please ignore that. It's not actually in the title.
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Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
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11-17-2007, 09:52 PM
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#6 |
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Banned
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Batcave
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I thought you can't use smileys at all. Sorry man, my bad.
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11-19-2007, 03:13 AM
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#7 |
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V <3 gemma ward
Join Date: Dec 2006
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To be honest, these sort of lyrics [the entire genre as a whole] don't really appeal to me. The whole 'beasts', 'darkness' and 'devils' thing has never really clicked for me. I could crit this... but I'm afraid my opinion would be muddled. For the style of writing this is, I think it's good. The rhyming sorta comes off as a bit cheesy sometimes but I mean that's just me being picky. I'm sure it'd sound great with music.
Good job  , and thanks a lot for your thoughts on mine.
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