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Old 11-17-2007, 03:46 AM   #1
Zephyr Zylöz
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Bla-bla-bla Brighest Shadows in Days of Fade

Okay, this is the first thing I've written after coming out of writers block (4 years of it) oh well, crit would be nice, opinions just the same, feel free to bag the crap out of it!

Close the door, turn out the light
Nightfall’s call reaches to me
Sends me back into a dream
Beasts of night will wait for me
Don’t you know?
The Nights have grown so cold

The End of Days the start of light
Sends them all into flight
Leaving me all alone
To hold down a fight
Why did you go?
The feeling settles me

See them through the night
Hope they set alight
The flame inside of you
Let you set alight the night
Burning bright
Hoping end to a faithless plight

This is the fear that no-one knows
These are the beasts of conscious night
Creatures of darkness on an endless flight
Close the door, turn out the light
Things of nightmares hurry past
Nighttime moving far to fast

Walking side by side with death
The devils sanctum within each step
Night turns back to light
Beasts of night howl back to
A path where no-one goes
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Old 11-17-2007, 06:14 AM   #2
Delanoir
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I can definitely see the lyrical flow to this that to me quickly identifies it as a song rather than strictly poetry, which to me is largely a good thing (at least in terms of opinion).


Close the door, turn out the light
Nightfall’s call reaches to me
Sends me back into a dream
Beasts of night will wait for me
Don’t you know?
The Nights have grown so cold

Nice way to start the story, but the last line I feel falls a bit weak in comparison.

The End of Days the start of light
Sends them all into flight
Leaving me all alone
To hold down a fight
Why did you go?
The feeling settles me

Again, the last line here just seems a bit awkward, though it's mainly in the wording. I think if you just reworked what you were tried to say about (what I think you're saying, anyway) the feeling of solitude bringing some sort of complacence, it would still work quite well.

See them through the night
Hope they set alight
The flame inside of you
Let you set alight the night
Burning bright
Hoping end to a faithless plight

Too much rhyming off the same sound, to me. I don't think it needs it, really. I think that might also free you up a bit. Forcing a rhyme can hold you back.

This is the fear that no-one knows
These are the beasts of conscious night
Creatures of darkness on an endless flight
Close the door, turn out the light
Things of nightmares hurry past
Nighttime moving far to fast

Probably my favorite part of the song, but the rhyming here I think tripped up, going a-b-b-b-c-c. Try making that second line rhyme off the first to balance it out if you want to stick with that. I like the return of the opening theme.

Walking side by side with death
The devils sanctum within each step
Night turns back to light
Beasts of night howl back to
A path where no-one goes

I particularly like this part as well, and a nice closure to the song. Nothing really to critique off this part.

Last edited by Delanoir : 11-17-2007 at 07:03 AM.
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Old 11-17-2007, 07:21 PM   #3
Zephyr Zylöz
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Delanoir thank you for the critique, it has helped alot and with it I am hoping to turn it into something better, rhyming always has been my biggest problem, even when I dont realise it, anyway thanks again!
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Old 11-17-2007, 09:47 PM   #4
k00kie M0nster
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Sorry man, no smileys in title. Read the rules.

*reported*
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Old 11-17-2007, 09:48 PM   #5
The Hurt Within
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Please ignore that. It's not actually in the title.
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Old 11-17-2007, 09:52 PM   #6
k00kie M0nster
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I thought you can't use smileys at all. Sorry man, my bad.
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Old 11-19-2007, 03:13 AM   #7
Snowblind 911
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To be honest, these sort of lyrics [the entire genre as a whole] don't really appeal to me. The whole 'beasts', 'darkness' and 'devils' thing has never really clicked for me. I could crit this... but I'm afraid my opinion would be muddled. For the style of writing this is, I think it's good. The rhyming sorta comes off as a bit cheesy sometimes but I mean that's just me being picky. I'm sure it'd sound great with music.

Good job , and thanks a lot for your thoughts on mine.
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