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Old 11-21-2007, 06:30 AM   #1
Zephyr Zyl÷z
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Bla-bla-bla Midnight Skies

Upon the crescent moon he sat
A jester in a chair of plated gold
A wretched beast of unheard misgivings
The smile he wore so bare.

Upon his throne a lions head
An hourglass that counts no sand
A reason none understand
The feast has yet to become.

As the morning star arises
Left to reach to the middle of the skies
Where only eagles dare
Reach to touch the corners,
Of where the fool may sit.

A mask of innocence none may wear
The Jester laughs at all who wait
Turn around and seal their fate
Leave the Fools to bitter disgrace.

The Angry King stares down upon
Those whose light has shone
Quicken as you run
The beads of time pass slow.


Though he laughs all through the night
Through firelight and silhouettes
The mysteries he implies
Leaves the people enlightened.

Two Jesters rule the mortal skies.
Two Fools to sit upon the clouds.
Two frames of mind, frames in time.
Two left to twisted tales and horrid distaste.

The minds of those who listen,
Treated to the words of wonder,
The tales of the fools who walk
Under the midnight skies.


This is, well, I'm not sure poem or song...hmm, oh well have a look dish a crit, oh and yes this does have a meaning, its not a bunch of weird gibberish, the meaning though, I'm not ready to disclose...ooooOOOOoooo
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Old 11-21-2007, 12:38 PM   #2
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wow! what a great song. I love it. I thought that this -

Two Jesters rule the mortal skies.
Two Fools to sit upon the clouds.
Two frames of mind, frames in time.
Two left to twisted tales and horrid distaste.

was the best part of the song, I'd love to hear some music with this amazing song. Keep up the good work!

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Old 11-22-2007, 01:09 AM   #3
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Hmm, I like the lyrics, I've always been partial to the songs that tell a story, and if you don't have any solid ideas for what kind of music that you're going to put to it, I'd suggest power metal.
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Old 11-22-2007, 04:35 AM   #4
Zephyr Zyl÷z
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Bal_Sagoth thanks a lot for the kind words and as soon as I get the chance I'll crit your work. withgunstoglory, yeah I think power metal sounds like one whole lotta fun, now the only problem in the actual music, anyway that'll happen, thanks for the kind words also, everything means a lot.

Thanks

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Old 11-23-2007, 04:49 AM   #5
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At first I just sorta skimmed through this and looked at the way it was written and the rhyming and such, but then I went back through and really tried to picture everything, and I gotta say:

Upon the crescent moon he sat
A jester in a chair of plated gold
A wretched beast of unheard misgivings
The smile he wore so bare.

Upon his throne a lions head
An hourglass that counts no sand
A reason none understand
The feast has yet to become.


Them few stanzas brought some awesome imagery to my mind.

The next three however... didn't do anything for me. Forced imagery I thought, and rather awkward wordplay.

Regarding the part about the 'two jesters'; you don't mention a second jester anywhere else in the piece, so springing another here as if we are already aware of it seems strange - maybe try to incorporate the second jester in a bit earlier.

Anyway, it was very nice overall, and thanks for the crit on mine again.
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Old 11-23-2007, 04:56 AM   #6
Zephyr Zyl÷z
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The thing about the two jesters is the fact that this is like a big story, I've written a few and it mentions the second jester in them, he sort of starts it off, but anway I'll give it a go and work him in again, thanks for the thoughts on the first two stanzas the rest does need slight tinkering but it'll get there eventually, this'll probably end up being as big as the others (6 Pages :O) but hey that doesnt matter. The crit on yours was no problem, it is always a pleasure to read your work
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Old 11-24-2007, 01:23 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephyr Zyl÷z
Upon the crescent moon he sat
A jester in a chair of plated gold
A wretched beast of unheard misgivings
The smile he wore so bare.

Mmmm, how cruel this jester sounds; very nice

Upon his throne a lions head
An hourglass that counts no sand
A reason none understand
The feast has yet to become.

Wow, great imagery here...lions head...that makes me think majestic and king like; good allusion

As the morning star arises
Left to reach to the middle of the skies
Where only eagles dare
Reach to touch the corners,
Of where the fool may sit.

I like this too; minor suggestions; "left to reach the middle of the skies" ; "where only _______ dare; been done, but then again, eagles is really the only bird that works, lol

A mask of innocence none may wear
The Jester laughs at all who wait
Turn around and seal their fate
Leave the Fools to bitter disgrace.

This Jester is a homicidal freak, my god! turns me on....*growl*...JEEZ, kidding, but I like it!

The Angry King stares down upon
Those whose light has shone
Quicken as you run
The beads of time pass slow.

This stanza doesn't do it for me; is the jester and angry king the same person? and the beads of time are strange...if only that hourglass had had sand in it, then sands of time might work...

Though he laughs all through the night
Through firelight and silhouettes
The mysteries he implies
Leaves the people enlightened.

Solid writing here, good on ya

Two Jesters rule the mortal skies.
Two Fools to sit upon the clouds.
Two frames of mind, frames in time.
Two left to twisted tales and horrid distaste.

This confused me a tad; 2 jesters? I thought there was only one...but maybe you can enlighten me a little, i might be not focusing correctly...no I'm not high, lol

The minds of those who listen,
Treated to the words of wonder,
The tales of the fools who walk
Under the midnight skies.


I liked this alot, although it seems you use fools alot throughout...not bad, but maybe there's a synonym for fools somewhere?



This is, well, I'm not sure poem or song...hmm, oh well have a look dish a crit, oh and yes this does have a meaning, its not a bunch of weird gibberish, the meaning though, I'm not ready to disclose...ooooOOOOoooo



I would say this is a poem, as it doesn't strike me as song...however, if you changed a few things, it could easily be a song! Overall, yes I liked it

Mark
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Old 11-24-2007, 02:02 AM   #8
Zephyr Zyl÷z
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Well to start off Mark, thanks a lot for going out of your way to critique this, means a lot. To answer a few questions in there, the angry king and the jester are NOT the same person...big difference, but to get that you need to read the whole thing (still workin' on it) the whole thing being a whole load of pieces about the same thing TWO jesters and a constant struggle between the two, the next piece explains the other jester and how he came to find his way into the poetic/song/story deally I got going on here, sorta like a good vs evil thing (over done... I know). There is a meaning behind the hourglass that has no sand and the beads of time, though not many know of the reasoning behind it. Fools also has a reason for it being used so frequently but again not many know why. "makes me think majestic and king-like" uh, DING, but what sort of king hmm? anyway thanks again for the crit and I may call on you again for another crit on the next one just to sorta round everything off, but anyway thanks

Michael
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Old 11-24-2007, 10:54 PM   #9
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I definitely like the story it's telling and i agree with gibsonSG and snowblind in that it's hard to see where the other jester fits in at first. But of course if it goes along with other pieces than that would be fine. Maybe make it into a concept album once you find the music that fits. These were my favorite lines:

Upon his throne a lions head
An hourglass that counts no sand
A reason none understand
The feast has yet to become.

Overall it's a good poem/song and i'd like to see the others

-Ryan
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Old 11-24-2007, 11:09 PM   #10
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this kinda reminded me of metallica - king nothing. i dont even know why. haha.. nway, great piece of art. make it into metal song. i think it suits well in that genre. solid verses. but where's the chorus?

crit mine if you have time. its called johnny had a gun
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Old 11-25-2007, 01:45 AM   #11
Zephyr Zyl÷z
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ryanh09, thanks a lot for the crit, it means a lot and I've sent you a private message about everything else. rafael90, first of all thank you for the crit, secondly, your crit has been returned, thirdly great, the band me and a friend started wanted to go for Metallica/Led Zeppelin sorta stuff, so thats great and there is no chorus, different eh? anyway thanks for everything.

Cheers
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Old 11-25-2007, 02:36 PM   #12
MusicalMinority
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I like it quite a bit, but it seems really similar to "The Great Sun Jester" by Blue Oyster Cult... What were the influences for this?

http://lyricwiki.org/Blue_%C3%96yst...reat_Sun_Jester
^If you feel like reading Sun Jester.
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Old 11-25-2007, 03:59 PM   #13
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Good lyrics! Really good job. Sounds more like a poem, though.
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Old 11-26-2007, 03:40 AM   #14
Zephyr Zyl÷z
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MusicalMinority, to answer your questions, and clear things up:
1. I didn't steal this from Blue Oyster Cult, dont know much about em', only heard "Dont Fear The Reaper" so there ya go, just to quench any thoughts, sinister ones...
2. The influences for me musically, that being in all forms are Led Zeppelin, so touching on things that seem mystical, odd, weirded out stuff I just find easy, whether thats because of Zep or not I dont know, but theres a big influence, but songs like Stairway to Heaven, The Battle Of Evermore, Gallows Pole works for me, but this song just sorta happened, there was no real thought that went into it, I saw it, it worked and here we are.

NFXtreme, firstly thank you for going out of your way to read the piece I'll have to check out your stuff, whenever I get the chance, and poetry to music is really what I was going for, as I said above, sorta like a Zeppelinish style writing (with Metallica, hard styled, fast sorta riffs, with a mixture of the two for solos, match made in heaven...).

Zephyr Zyl÷z
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