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Old 12-13-2007, 04:48 AM   #1
Zephyr Zylz
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Green Moonshine Over Foreign Hills

I dont know why Im standing here today
To let you know that time has flown away
Flown away from here today
Sent away to sudden disarray

I cant believe the time has come again
A time to end all that would and should be
A softly spoken word has more than meaning
But a meaning so pure cannot be sure of whats to come

Little time be so precious read to me tales of old
Leave the light to drift and wander amongst the withered stars
Little moon sing me songs of glory
Beneath the fading day.

A constant haze begins a fading maze
A subtle phase to end all ways
Little voices raining from the stars above
A slow end to misery yet its such a fine start

Across the fields they run
Amongst the vines of latter days
Begins the days of fade
A settled sunlight upon your cheeks so cold

I dont know why I cant believe whats happening to me
A little more than just a solemn moment a lighter way to start
When the nighttime ends and the sun rises
Like water to the shores I am sure that youll be mine

When I saw you standing
I couldve just turned away
Little voices in your eyes
Send all thoughts away

A little more than simple thoughts
Thousands come my way
A sight that none shall see
None shall take away

Its time to look and look again at what you see
Its not the way it all should be
Whats become of me?

What could I say to make things right
To turn the day back into night
End the woes that follow me
Your arms little more than sanctuary
This is the way things ought to stay
Back on a path where no-one goes

Where moonlight shone like diamonds and pearls
A hurricane of meaningless
Senseless preservation
No more to unwind
Like a world through a sightless eye


Crit 4 Crit, any comments welcome, have fun
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Old 12-13-2007, 06:18 AM   #2
Rebus
the male inconsistence
 
Join Date: May 2006
very nice, what type of song is it
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Old 12-13-2007, 07:04 PM   #3
Zephyr Zylz
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Its a slow acoustic sort of song, almost puts me to sleep when I play it, anyway thanks for having a look at this Rebus
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Old 12-13-2007, 11:10 PM   #4
shredder2be93
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I like it a lot. The only thing I would change is when you say:

I dont know why Im standing here today
To let you know that time has flown away
Flown away from here today
Sent away to sudden disarray

I would change it so there is less repetition, maybe
"I don't know why I'm standing here today
To let you know that time has flown away
Flow far from here today
Sent to sudden disarray"

As long as that doesn't take away from the song.

And I re-wrote a little of my song, it's a lot better in my opinion. It would be nice if you could crit it

Here's the link: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=735259
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