Originally Posted by Zephyr Zylöz

Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs

I’m hiding under a lampshade waiting for the night to fade,
-too many sylables, try cutting this down, it's the start of poem
and the impact is lost because the flow is awkward
Turning darkness into day turning to a winters day,
-not keen on the repition of day here, use another word or perhaps contract the line to just "turning to winter" something like that maybe?
As morning blue to be as true to let a love as strong as mine,
- another line that feels as though you've had to crush it in, always re-read your stuff and cut out surplus words.
Carefully erase any vile distaste,
-I really like this line as an ending to the stanza. it's short and powerful.

Holding more your dying heart,
-I think this is a little cliché and not well linked to the rest of this stanza
Between a lampshade and morning dew,
Resting softly next to your,
-this line ends aprubtly, and it seems to be a puase in the wrong place? disrupting the flow of the poem.
Dreary eyes and summer’s news, a mile away but few, so few,
Steps to bring myself to you,

To take myself away from view,
From whom you wanted me to be,
Nothing like what I could have been,
Holding you under, holding you dear,

Silhouettes of dragonflies taint the dark like fireflies,
Lighting up what you’ve left of me,
Left beneath a fallen tree, three years young, three years dead,
You never thanked yourself instead,
- I like these 2 stanza's better than the opening ones, some good images, if a little contradictory... I do however think the instead should be placed at the start of the next stanza and a full stop used to end after "yourself" it would give a real bitter sting to the line.

Kept thoughts hidden from my own twisted game of hide and seek,
Hideous layers you cannot mask a violent transgression that left me waiting,
Hiding, underneath the lampshade, holding on to morning blue,
Effortless prayers to bring you true, never do, what was intended to become of you,
-too much "oo" noise between blue and you, I know it rhymes but it's obvious and often seems childish... which contrasts too much with the serious tone i think your going for here.

For the morning rings you dead, let me hold you, now and forever, mesmerizing me,
Violet eyes and violent lies,
Left me hiding underneath a lampshade, please don’t go, now go away from who you see, I’m nothing anymore.
-This ending could be made into something more memorable, "I'm nothing anymore" doesn't really excite me.

Originally Posted by Zephyr Zylöz

Bit Of a poem here... ok, a lot of poem here, one of the longest things I've done, anyway here it is

Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs

I’m hiding under a lampshade waiting for the night to fade,
Turning darkness into day turning to a winters day,
The concept of the internal rhymes here appealed to me... until you rhymed "day" with itself. I disagree with Nic about the line length; I think it's perfectly doable.
As morning blue to be as true to let a love as strong as mine,
Carefully erase any vile distaste,
You lost me here. You deviated from a structure of rhyme and rhythm and meter that made your work more than the sum of it's parts, The first one didn't rhyme with itself or the next line, and the last one was half the size. We're not dealing with 7tuplets, here, are we?

Holding more your dying heart,
Between a lampshade and morning dew,
Resting softly next to your,
Dreary eyes and summer’s news, a mile away but few, so few,
Steps to bring myself to you,
"Except for "Dreary eyes", these last two lines felt unconnected to the main plot.

To take myself away from view,
From whom you wanted me to be,
Nothing like what I could have been,
Holding you under, holding you dear,
It's fine to change the rhyme scheme during the song, but it seems like it's happening randomly. Here, your rhyme scheme is ABBC. Also, with the way your syllables line up, "holding" gets pronounced "holDING!".

Silhouettes of dragonflies taint the dark like fireflies,
"Dragonflies" and "Fireflies" felt like a poor rhyme choice. They're essentially the same word.
Lighting up what you’ve left of me,
Left beneath a fallen tree, three years young, three years dead,
There's no need for this line to be doubled up like this. Split it up.
You never thanked yourself instead,

Kept thoughts hidden from my own twisted game of hide and seek,
Once you got to "twisted", the sense stress was lost and the rhythm was shot.
Hideous layers you cannot mask a violent transgression that left me waiting,
These lines are just plain too long. And no rhyme? You need to create a rhyme structure, not a rhyme philosophy.
Hiding, underneath the lampshade, holding on to morning blue,
That middle comma saved the flow for me.
Effortless prayers to bring you true, never do, what was intended to become of you,

For the morning rings you dead, let me hold you, now and forever, mesmerizing me,
This mofo is 21 syllables long. 21 freakin' syllables! That's three times the following line. It's just too long.
Violet eyes and violent lies,
Left me hiding underneath a lampshade, please don’t go, now go away from who you see, I’m nothing anymore.


No it's not just random crap, very deep and meaningful if you think on it... but I have had the flu... so maybe it just makes sense to me.. whatever. Its C4C so party on with it

Originally Posted by Zephyr Zylöz

Bit Of a poem here... ok, a lot of poem here, one of the longest things I've done, anyway here it is

Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs

I’m hiding under a lampshade waiting for the night to fade,
Turning darkness into day turning to a winters day,
Something fails in this line for me (i don't know whether its the repetition of day, or turning)
As morning blue to be as true to let a love as strong as mine,
Carefully erase any vile distaste,
Maybe too much internal rhyme going on in this stanza, I keep getting distracted

Holding more your dying heart,
Between a lampshade and morning dew,
Resting softly next to your,
Dreary eyes and summer’s news, a mile away but few, so few,
Steps to bring myself to you,
The syllable thing is kind of pronounced here, (like 15 in the fourth line, but 7 in the fifth) I think it leaves the last line sounding clipped.

To take myself away from view,
From whom you wanted me to be,
Nothing like what I could have been,
Holding you under, holding you dear,
I like this stanza, it flows well, I think the lack of rhyme helps it.


Silhouettes of dragonflies taint the dark like fireflies,
great line, I like it, but I wish there was a way to avoid "flies" twice. It keeps standing out at me.
Lighting up what you’ve left of me,
Left beneath a fallen tree, three years young, three years dead,
You never thanked yourself instead,
The last line sounds a little incongruous and out of sync with the stanza other wise good

Kept thoughts hidden from my own twisted game of hide and seek,
Hideous layers you cannot mask a violent transgression that left me waiting,
Hiding, underneath the lampshade, holding on to morning blue,
Effortless prayers to bring you true, never do, what was intended to become of you,
I like the return to earlier imagery, it improves the continuity

For the morning rings you dead, let me hold you, now and forever, mesmerizing me,
Violet eyes and violent lies,
Really like this line IMHO the best one of the lot
Left me hiding underneath a lampshade, please don’t go, now go away from who you see, I’m nothing anymore.


No it's not just random crap, very deep and meaningful if you think on it... but I have had the flu... so maybe it just makes sense to me.. whatever. Its C4C so party on with it