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Old 07-02-2008, 08:42 PM   #1
Zephyr ZylŲz
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Bla-bla-bla Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs

Bit Of a poem here... ok, a lot of poem here, one of the longest things I've done, anyway here it is

Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs

Iím hiding under a lampshade waiting for the night to fade,
Turning darkness into day turning to a winters day,
As morning blue to be as true to let a love as strong as mine,
Carefully erase any vile distaste,

Holding more your dying heart,
Between a lampshade and morning dew,
Resting softly next to your,
Dreary eyes and summerís news, a mile away but few, so few,
Steps to bring myself to you,

To take myself away from view,
From whom you wanted me to be,
Nothing like what I could have been,
Holding you under, holding you dear,

Silhouettes of dragonflies taint the dark like fireflies,
Lighting up what youíve left of me,
Left beneath a fallen tree, three years young, three years dead,
You never thanked yourself instead,

Kept thoughts hidden from my own twisted game of hide and seek,
Hideous layers you cannot mask a violent transgression that left me waiting,
Hiding, underneath the lampshade, holding on to morning blue,
Effortless prayers to bring you true, never do, what was intended to become of you,

For the morning rings you dead, let me hold you, now and forever, mesmerizing me,
Violet eyes and violent lies,
Left me hiding underneath a lampshade, please donít go, now go away from who you see, Iím nothing anymore.


No it's not just random crap, very deep and meaningful if you think on it... but I have had the flu... so maybe it just makes sense to me.. whatever. Its C4C so party on with it
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Old 07-03-2008, 07:01 AM   #2
Nic Play Guitar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephyr ZylŲz

Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs

Iím hiding under a lampshade waiting for the night to fade,
-too many sylables, try cutting this down, it's the start of poem
and the impact is lost because the flow is awkward

Turning darkness into day turning to a winters day,
-not keen on the repition of day here, use another word or perhaps contract the line to just "turning to winter" something like that maybe?
As morning blue to be as true to let a love as strong as mine,
- another line that feels as though you've had to crush it in, always re-read your stuff and cut out surplus words.
Carefully erase any vile distaste,
-I really like this line as an ending to the stanza. it's short and powerful.

Holding more your dying heart,
-I think this is a little clichť and not well linked to the rest of this stanza
Between a lampshade and morning dew,
Resting softly next to your,
-this line ends aprubtly, and it seems to be a puase in the wrong place? disrupting the flow of the poem.
Dreary eyes and summerís news, a mile away but few, so few,
Steps to bring myself to you,

To take myself away from view,
From whom you wanted me to be,
Nothing like what I could have been,
Holding you under, holding you dear,

Silhouettes of dragonflies taint the dark like fireflies,
Lighting up what youíve left of me,
Left beneath a fallen tree, three years young, three years dead,
You never thanked yourself instead,
- I like these 2 stanza's better than the opening ones, some good images, if a little contradictory... I do however think the instead should be placed at the start of the next stanza and a full stop used to end after "yourself" it would give a real bitter sting to the line.

Kept thoughts hidden from my own twisted game of hide and seek,
Hideous layers you cannot mask a violent transgression that left me waiting,
Hiding, underneath the lampshade, holding on to morning blue,
Effortless prayers to bring you true, never do, what was intended to become of you,
-too much "oo" noise between blue and you, I know it rhymes but it's obvious and often seems childish... which contrasts too much with the serious tone i think your going for here.

For the morning rings you dead, let me hold you, now and forever, mesmerizing me,
Violet eyes and violent lies,
Left me hiding underneath a lampshade, please donít go, now go away from who you see, Iím nothing anymore.
-This ending could be made into something more memorable, "I'm nothing anymore" doesn't really excite me.



OVERALL
Some things I liked and some things I didn't... I fell you ought to edit yourself harder and really cut down on what you don't need, a lot of your writing felt like it was only obstructing the point of the poem. I know the crit looks damning but it's not a bad piece, and these are only my views, keep writing. and thanks for reading mine.
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Old 07-03-2008, 09:04 AM   #3
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i didn't really like this. it's not really my thing, per se, but even as such a lot of the rhymes seem forced. i'm not really fond of the whole internal rhyme thing in the first stanza but you kind of drop it after that, so whatever. it's kind of hard to follow, too, it sort of rambles. it's not completely unsalvageable, there are some good moments in here. you just need to tighten things up a bit.

thanks for the comment on mine
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Old 07-03-2008, 10:16 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephyr ZylŲz
Bit Of a poem here... ok, a lot of poem here, one of the longest things I've done, anyway here it is

Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs

Iím hiding under a lampshade waiting for the night to fade,
Turning darkness into day turning to a winters day,
The concept of the internal rhymes here appealed to me... until you rhymed "day" with itself. I disagree with Nic about the line length; I think it's perfectly doable.
As morning blue to be as true to let a love as strong as mine,
Carefully erase any vile distaste,
You lost me here. You deviated from a structure of rhyme and rhythm and meter that made your work more than the sum of it's parts, The first one didn't rhyme with itself or the next line, and the last one was half the size. We're not dealing with 7tuplets, here, are we?

Holding more your dying heart,
Between a lampshade and morning dew,
Resting softly next to your,
Dreary eyes and summerís news, a mile away but few, so few,
Steps to bring myself to you,
"Except for "Dreary eyes", these last two lines felt unconnected to the main plot.

To take myself away from view,
From whom you wanted me to be,
Nothing like what I could have been,
Holding you under, holding you dear,
It's fine to change the rhyme scheme during the song, but it seems like it's happening randomly. Here, your rhyme scheme is ABBC. Also, with the way your syllables line up, "holding" gets pronounced "holDING!".

Silhouettes of dragonflies taint the dark like fireflies,
"Dragonflies" and "Fireflies" felt like a poor rhyme choice. They're essentially the same word.
Lighting up what youíve left of me,
Left beneath a fallen tree, three years young, three years dead,
There's no need for this line to be doubled up like this. Split it up.
You never thanked yourself instead,

Kept thoughts hidden from my own twisted game of hide and seek,
Once you got to "twisted", the sense stress was lost and the rhythm was shot.
Hideous layers you cannot mask a violent transgression that left me waiting,
These lines are just plain too long. And no rhyme? You need to create a rhyme structure, not a rhyme philosophy.
Hiding, underneath the lampshade, holding on to morning blue,
That middle comma saved the flow for me.
Effortless prayers to bring you true, never do, what was intended to become of you,

For the morning rings you dead, let me hold you, now and forever, mesmerizing me,
This mofo is 21 syllables long. 21 freakin' syllables! That's three times the following line. It's just too long.
Violet eyes and violent lies,
Left me hiding underneath a lampshade, please donít go, now go away from who you see, Iím nothing anymore.


No it's not just random crap, very deep and meaningful if you think on it... but I have had the flu... so maybe it just makes sense to me.. whatever. Its C4C so party on with it


I'd say create a structure of rhyme and rhythm. Write down your structure (8 / 4 / 8 / 4, or something), then write down your rhyme scheme (ABAB, or the like) and DO NOT DEVIATE! It's fine to squeeze an extra syllable here or there, but don't attempt 21 syllables.
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:20 PM   #5
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overall, i thought it was pretty well done. really powerful words, a little confusing at parts, but it means what you want it to mean . your third paragraph didnt really rhyme, thats all really that i noticed that was sort of awkward.
but i loved the phrases:
Silhouettes of dragonflies taint the dark like fireflies,
Lighting up what youíve left of me,

and

Violet eyes and violent lies,
Left me hiding underneath a lampshade

but after that, you sed please dont go, and then, now go away from who you see. if your referring to the same person, maybe you should put that second line in a different idea in a different paragraph, if you know what i mean

i liked it (very deep) thanks for the feedback on mine
~Lizzy

Last edited by TeiscoDelLizzy : 07-03-2008 at 12:22 PM.
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Old 07-03-2008, 05:04 PM   #6
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I actually thought it was great, it really moved me when I read it. Very deep meaning in every word and it cryed out to me when I read it. Personally, I think its one of the better works on this forum.
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Old 07-03-2008, 08:15 PM   #7
Zephyr ZylŲz
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Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this, even if it was not necesarrily to their own tastes, I WILL however take on board what everyone has said and try to turn this into something that can be more accessible to not only me but everyone else who has or will take the time to read this

Cheers

Zeph
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Old 07-05-2008, 02:56 AM   #8
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Yeah, overall it's a nice piece and when the rhyme and (monsterous) syllable count get's worked out should or could become something that really becomes magnificant, keep working on it, and I personally enjoy the ...randomness, if you dont mind me saying, leads people to believe that it is meaningless but has a greater meaning underneath...maybe... keep writing

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Old 07-22-2008, 01:53 AM   #9
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I really like the style of words you chose. It's very original. I'm not sure how I feel about the structure. You justify this piece by noting at the end that it's not just random, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt... However, I would have liked it more if I wasn't so distracted by the idea of it being structurally random. The words however was wonderful.
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Old 07-22-2008, 06:54 AM   #10
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Some of this is truly gorgeous.
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Old 07-22-2008, 08:45 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephyr ZylŲz
Bit Of a poem here... ok, a lot of poem here, one of the longest things I've done, anyway here it is

Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs

Iím hiding under a lampshade waiting for the night to fade,
Turning darkness into day turning to a winters day,
Something fails in this line for me (i don't know whether its the repetition of day, or turning)
As morning blue to be as true to let a love as strong as mine,
Carefully erase any vile distaste,
Maybe too much internal rhyme going on in this stanza, I keep getting distracted

Holding more your dying heart,
Between a lampshade and morning dew,
Resting softly next to your,
Dreary eyes and summerís news, a mile away but few, so few,
Steps to bring myself to you,
The syllable thing is kind of pronounced here, (like 15 in the fourth line, but 7 in the fifth) I think it leaves the last line sounding clipped.

To take myself away from view,
From whom you wanted me to be,
Nothing like what I could have been,
Holding you under, holding you dear,
I like this stanza, it flows well, I think the lack of rhyme helps it.


Silhouettes of dragonflies taint the dark like fireflies,
great line, I like it, but I wish there was a way to avoid "flies" twice. It keeps standing out at me.
Lighting up what youíve left of me,
Left beneath a fallen tree, three years young, three years dead,
You never thanked yourself instead,
The last line sounds a little incongruous and out of sync with the stanza other wise good

Kept thoughts hidden from my own twisted game of hide and seek,
Hideous layers you cannot mask a violent transgression that left me waiting,
Hiding, underneath the lampshade, holding on to morning blue,
Effortless prayers to bring you true, never do, what was intended to become of you,
I like the return to earlier imagery, it improves the continuity

For the morning rings you dead, let me hold you, now and forever, mesmerizing me,
Violet eyes and violent lies,
Really like this line IMHO the best one of the lot
Left me hiding underneath a lampshade, please donít go, now go away from who you see, Iím nothing anymore.


No it's not just random crap, very deep and meaningful if you think on it... but I have had the flu... so maybe it just makes sense to me.. whatever. Its C4C so party on with it



That was the hardest one to crit that I've done. When I got to parts I didn't like, it took forever to figure out why. Definitely good, lots of feeling it seems. Does need a structure in order to flow well though. I think my own mood would really change the impact of this poem/song/whatever, it might take on different meanings.
Mine:

Unraveled

Lie Awake in Fear
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Old 07-22-2008, 08:58 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephyr ZylŲz
Iím hiding under a lampshade waiting for the night to fade,
Turning darkness into day turning to a winters day,
As morning blue to be as true to let a love as strong as mine,
I really didn't like the 2nd and 3rd lines like this. In the second line, it reads as if you're rushing those words out with no pause between 'day' and 'turning.' Consider breaking it up and using different words.. Maybe like "Turning darkness into day/ turning to a winters morning/ blue to . . ." As for the 3rd line, just work on the phrasing. Words are good, but how it reads is weird.
Carefully erase any vile distaste,
Hmm. I was gonna say this isn't connected to the rest of the stanza.. But I think I see that you're trying to connect "a love as strong as mine carefully erase" like that? If so, drop the comma at the end of L3. They aren't mandatory and it will help a lot.

Holding more your dying heart,
Between a lampshade and morning dew,
I get confused with the "more" in L1.. I don't understand why it's there. I'm not sure I understand that metaphor of "between a lampshade and morning dew" either. lol
Resting softly next to your,
Dreary eyes and summerís news, a mile away but few, so few,
Steps to bring myself to you,
The last 3 lines seem disconnected from the first 2, and beyond that, to themselves. "Resting softly next to your dreary eyes and summer's news" works together, but you need to break off "A mile away but few, so few" from that line. And reword that. The flow is weird at the end with "few, so few" It makes you want to stop. Try something like "A mile away/ but few/ so few steps left/ to bring myself to you"

To take myself away from view,
From whom you wanted me to be,
Nothing like what I could have been,
Holding you under, holding you dear,
The last line doesn't really fit where it is, to me. It sounds good to me if you take it and put it before "to take myself," so you might want to look in to moving it around.

Silhouettes of dragonflies taint the dark like fireflies,
Lighting up what youíve left of me,
Left beneath a fallen tree, three years young, three years dead,
Once more, you could deal with some rewording/re-phrasing. Dragonflies doesn't seem like a good word to use either. They aren't nocturnal, nor do they add anything special to the piece. And split up L3 "tree/ three"
You never thanked yourself instead,
This line seems very random to me. Or maybe it's just the "instead" on the end. I don't know, but take a look and fix it. lol

Kept thoughts hidden from my own twisted game of hide and seek,
Hideous layers you cannot mask a violent transgression that left me waiting,
L2 seemed rushed to me. It made me just spit everything out in a hurry instead of reading it fluidly. I like the ideas, but work on the flow.
Hiding, underneath the lampshade, holding on to morning blue,
I don't like the comma after "Hiding." I don't see why it's there really.
Effortless prayers to bring you true, never do, what was intended to become of you,
Again, the commas don't seem like they should be there at "true," and "do." Break up "what was..." from the rest. Or just drop it. It's really random and doesn't belong.

For the morning rings you dead, let me hold you, now and forever, mesmerizing me,
Violet eyes and violent lies,
Phrasing again.. "dead/ let. . .forever/ violet eyes mesmerizing me/ violent lies left me. . ."
Left me hiding underneath a lampshade, please donít go, now go away from who you see, Iím nothing anymore.
Lol wut? First thing to do here is to connect ideas. lampshade/ The rest of this line is really confusing. I don't know how you're gonna do it.. But it needs to be done.. "Please don't go.../ Now go away from who you see,/ I'm nothing anymore."? I don't know. But something needs to be done. lol

Phrasing, phrasing, phrasing.
Flow, flow, flow.

Phrasing and flow seemed to be the biggest problems. Work on those and your piece will be a lot better. You also need to work on connecting ideas... How to do it, where, when, why, how to make it mean more than just a different idea, etc.

Would you mind checking out mine? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/sh...ad.php?t=915022 =)
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