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Old 08-10-2008, 04:37 AM   #1
Zephyr Zyl÷z
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Bla-bla-bla Starlight Over Tainted Gold

First piece in a while, dunno where I'm going with it, but anyway, C4C of course, have fun with it!


Starlight Over Tainted Gold

Moonlight tickles faces of gold,
Writ in silver words of old,
Turning god to a faithless soul,
Beneath the world, such mourning

The earth a mass of hate,
A dying faith,
Hopelessness suppressed all but one,
Said morn star, the fallen one.

Light up the night,
Angels and starlight,
Sing fears aloud,
Moored down in pride.

So we pass on by,
Our dreams have died,
Oh, sing aloud,
Oh, dream aloud.

And so our demons dance,
Beneath the trees, tasting our fears,
Gold to their tongues,
Standing in starlight, dancing in dreams.
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Old 08-10-2008, 10:13 AM   #2
Skaliveson
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The part of NY that isn't the city.
Glad to see you post again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zephyr Zyl÷z
First piece in a while, dunno where I'm going with it, but anyway, C4C of course, have fun with it!


Starlight Over Tainted Gold

Moonlight tickles faces of gold,
Writ in silver words of old,
I liked the use of 'gold' and 'silver' here.
Turning god to a faithless soul,
Beneath the world, such mourning

The earth a mass of hate,
A dying faith,
rhythm is strange here. To me, at least.
Hopelessness suppressed all but one,
Said morn star, the fallen one.
by 'morn', you mean morning, yes? or mourn?

Light up the night,
Angels and starlight,
Sing fears aloud,
Moored down in pride.
This whole stanza was great. The juxtaposition of 'Light up' and 'Moored down' was well crafted.

So we pass on by,
Our dreams have died,
Oh, sing aloud,
Oh, dream aloud.
A little weaker than the previous content. if dreams have died, how can we dream aloud? Sorry thats kinda nit-picky

And so our demons dance,
Beneath the trees, tasting our fears,
I like this a lot, but 'beneath the trees' isn't my favorite "location" so to speak. A more metaphorical place in regard to people would be more powerful, IMO.
Gold to their tongues,
Standing in starlight, dancing in dreams.
Great ending.


Very interesting piece, a lot of great wording, and very un-cliched.
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Old 08-11-2008, 02:55 AM   #3
Zephyr Zyl÷z
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Skaliveson, thanks a lot for having a look at this piece, and thanks even more so for the kind words, it's always good to hear good things about things you've worked so hard on, it needs work, I'm well aware of that, I will try to think of a more metaphorical place than beneath the trees, whether or not one springs to mind is the question, and yes "morn" was "morning" lol, so in finish thank you for the kind words, I'm glad you found it interesting and Yeah!, its great to be posting again!!


Regards

Zeph
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