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Old 09-18-2010, 08:18 AM   #1
juckfush
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''Hey, No Worries''

Hey all, first post in this forum =]

This is a work in progress that started a few weeks ago, which I've just come back to again tonight. As of yet, a fair chunk of the word-choice is very bare and will be revised more thoroughly later, and I honestly have no idea where I'm going with the concept - chances are I'll extend the final stanza by referring back to other unfortunalities to be inserted earlier in the piece, and fluff a concept or coda based on that.
My influences for this piece are Arj Barker (particularly stanza six, inspired by his watch gag), Shakespeare's 'As you Like It' and Dr Suess.

Crit for crit of course! Please post a link to your piece in your reply, and I'll be happy to help however I can. If there's anything in particular you'd like me to look for, please let me know. =]

EDIT: Added a couple more stanzas starting from ''Please leave my property'' - cheers!

* * *

My dear, won’t you join me
Cross-legged in the pastures?
Thistles tickle all your thickles away.

And what issue’s real?
A sticky situation, with no obvious explanation
Is like a burrow, in the field.

You’ll have a fall-down, have a swear and a snort
And carry on your merry way;
Chin-up, but eyes averted to the unbefitting earth
Which, all-in-all... is but a wary notion of a weary wanderer

Whence, after some time, you’ll find a fastidious furrow
Fashioned to your wears (Eh? *wink-wink*)
And the obligatory inspections can begin

And by all means be cautious and clever
Because I wouldn’t dismiss forward-thinking behaviour
But when you’re well-done,
Bend your knees into a pretzel
And have a sit

We can pick apples sometime
And spit the seeds at each other.
If by these means an embryonic apple lands in my eye,
I promise, I won’t cry; maybe a wince, to preserve my masculinity.
But when a gargantuan apple tree sprouts out sporadically one day
I can say - based on conjecturing judgment of this idea -
That I may be a little concerned
If not a tad repentant for inviting you to sit cross-legged with me
In my backyard that I make monthly instalments on

‘’Oh chill - what issue’s real?’’
A juice plant sapping streams and sniffles from my peripherals
It’s not ‘’funny’’, but more on par with a mad orthodontist’s foreplay
Please leave my property.

*Giggles*
‘’Oh, my dear, won’t you join me
Cross-legged in the pastures?
Thistles tickle all your thickles away’’ =3

I’ve taken into account your reasoning
And based on the notion that I said the very same earlier (though that ‘’Oh’’ is enticing...)
I trust your instinct is correct and without any inherent flaw

I’ve always enjoyed a frolic through foliage
A metronomic dash on the back-seat of an ostrich
Country-side and country-tide
A backyard swimming pool for my ravaged attire
Conversely, what irks me is trip-wire

While prior I’ve found delight in your attire
The dental floss knickers are a hazard to my piggy-back
A talon to the fabric is like foreplay with a certain reaper
And while unlike Mr Mercury, ‘Star Wars’ is my scene,
I’m not quite up for imitating clumsy AT-ATs

‘’Oh, dear host, what issue’s real?’’
[blunt, annoyed tone]
A pancaked ostrich subjected to the weight of a burden.
Did you honestly think it was sensible to litter your bum-pickers?
My backyard vineyard looks like the multi-coloured flag-lines
That waver outside of a less-than-reputable car dealership.
Quit the giggles, because I’ve had it up to where my hands can’t reach
[/blunt, annoyed tone]
‘’Well then reach into your pocket – we’re going to fetch you a treat’’
...
I’ve never enjoyed car rides, but if you insist.

* * *

Thanks!

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Last edited by juckfush : 09-19-2010 at 12:19 AM.
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Old 09-18-2010, 01:23 PM   #2
themarsvolta
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Too words hear didn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece. "Embryonic and orthodontist. " For lack of a better word there just too "science-y" in my opinion. I really like the slightly whimsically tone of the narrator. It's a very fun read. The third line of the first stanza is a mouthful to say however. Also I think you need more punctuation to help the reader know exactly how it should flow. Overall I think this is a pretty good piece.

Crit mine please
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Old 09-18-2010, 01:23 PM   #3
AngryGoldfish
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I thoroughly enjoyed the humour of this, the frivolity of it.

"And spit the seeds at each other bullet-style"
- I don't think "bullet-style" is necessary. We already know full well the imagery you're creating, you don't need to tell us any more.

I think you should try and continue with the idea of the "what issue’s real?" It has this obscure charm to it, that could mean anything. And I love that, because you can take all that insanity and charm from the middle stanzas and create whatever fair-tale-esque story you wish.

The second and third verses, for instance, could be relating to some form of death and feelings of death, and although it doesn't seem like the most plausible choice of metaphors, it fits into the style of writing really well.

But to me, this is about its method. It doesn't have one theme running throughout it - and if there is one I can't see it - instead there is a wonderful sense of mystery of mischievousness. This was really enjoyable.

Words, in my signature, is something I wrote recently I'd appreciate a thought or two on.

Last edited by AngryGoldfish : 09-18-2010 at 01:24 PM.
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Old 09-29-2010, 12:04 AM   #4
rushmore
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stickied this. will get to it when i have time tomorrow. thanks for the lovely crit on my piece.
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Old 12-21-2013, 02:06 AM   #5
dyingturtle
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rushmore
stickied this. will get to it when i have time tomorrow. thanks for the lovely crit on my piece.


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Old 12-21-2013, 06:16 AM   #6
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I really enjoyed this, but it could do with a little tidying up. I'll get back to you.
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Old 12-21-2013, 12:15 PM   #7
AngryGoldfish
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Please be mindful of thread post dates before posting, even if it's something constructive. This thread is over three years old.
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