|11-29-2011, 10:24 PM||#1|
green is fine.
Join Date: Dec 2007
an impressively stealthy holocaust
Been a while since I've posted, so here's something. C4C, as always.
you appeared in my selfish youth
like a ghost to a scientist,
bearing nothing but platitudes
and a fondness for frightening my friends.
how you walked with a whisper
and spoke with a roar.
when you met me, i was
fine on my own, contentedly alone.
it takes time to trust anyone. (it took mine to trust someone like you.)
i was wrong to assume (i guess)
that your blue eyes bore honesty;
what i mistook for friendliness
was a sea, slowly drowning me.
how you stalked with a whisper
and struck with a roar.
although i didn't live,
you disappeared. was it
the currents calling or
a murderer's remorse?
of rivers and oceans
|11-30-2011, 02:43 AM||#2|
Join Date: Oct 2010
Very nicely done, especially appealing cause i feel like i can relate this to a certain someone, my fav lyric is "how you stalked like a whisper and struck with a roar" love it
c4c mine is, "its better to have loved than lust"
|11-30-2011, 10:27 AM||#3|
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Madison, Wisconsin
"like a ghost to a scientist,"
Didn't make sense with the rest of the poem, I don't think. How could you be drowning in something that you don't believe in? It's clear that the other party is very real and affecting you.
The rest is okay. I may be misinterpreting it, of course.
|11-30-2011, 11:20 PM||#4|
Join Date: Mar 2011
I always used to like reading your stuff, doesn't seem like long ago but it was a good few months.
You certainly have carved yourself a style which you ought to be proud. It may be that I could read a piece with yours that has no name, and guess you had written it straight away. This is a testament to the voice you are developing, so I would suggest keeping it up.
However, that praise comes with the criticism that maybe you're not pushing yourself, and you need to try something.
(I understand I posted a contradiction, but if you bother to follow either piece of advice, the outcome would still be positive from where I am standing)
If you've got the time, I haven't posted properly in awhile either;
Just a word or two on whether you like it or not (doesn't need to be really detailed) would be nice man. Until then, take it easy.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
Last edited by Bag'ed : 11-30-2011 at 11:34 PM.